My name is Park Hoon-yan, 21 years old, single, male.

I am a clinical medicine student studying at Yanghan Medical University.

To others, I am just the right amount of ordinary people.

My personality tends to be just the right amount of introversion most of the time, and just the right amount of extroversion a few times.

Like every ordinary person in the world, I am so ordinary, just like a passerby, so just the right amount of ordinary.

But I know that I'm a little bit special compared to other ordinary people.

Everyone in the world has hobbies.

Playing the piano, singing, dancing.

Photography, videography, design.

Food, sports, travel.

But my hobby is a little strange.

I......

Likes to be suicidal.

Likes suicide just right.

For me, death ...... It's really a wonderful thing.

But I don't just mean death itself, but also the process of moving from living life to death.

I would often let out an entire bathtub of hot water when no one was at home, and then put myself in it and cut the artery in my wrist.

It's not too deep, it's not too shallow, it's just the right place.

Every time the bright red blood starts to flow through that gap, I can't help but feel that this is really the most wonderful thing in the world.

Vitality...... Constantly leaving the body, from prosperity to decline, from spirit to weakness.

The boundaries between life and death were completely blurred at this moment, and the soul continued to tremble as if sublimated, forming the most stark contrast to the cold and silent body.

I always stop the bleeding when it's just right, and then I turn back into the ordinary, well-behaved boy that others see as mediocre.

It's just that when everyone doesn't notice, I'll become the suicide lover who likes to discover all kinds of ways to die.

Hang oneself.

At the moment before complete suffocation and the jaw cartilage was strangled, it was just right to re-put on the chair.

Jump.

When there was just the right amount of snow in the No. 3 area, I jumped from the roof window of the middle and upper floors.

Drown.

Wait in the lifeguard pool for just the right moment before a complete drowning.

I always end the process of death just right.

Live those wonderful experiences that are just right.

Is it sick?

I don't think so.

A person's life may be beautiful or miserable, but it is nothing more than walking on the road of death.

To live is to die, and to live to die.

The beauty of life lies in the process of continuous death.

I've just condensed the process to a great extent.

I know, I enjoyed everything that was just right.

I've lived ...... Very happy.

But one day, I was suddenly not so happy.

As I remember, it was my first anatomy class.

looked at the general teacher lying on the dissection table, being watched by everyone.

I suddenly ...... Some very strange emotions were generated.

It seems like...... Is it envy?

I guess so.

Watching him lie motionless on the bed, the appearance of death was vividly displayed in everyone's eyes.

Although he had long since died, this "process of being killed" still made me feel almost trembling envy.

I suddenly discovered...... In the past, I was too one-sided.

I've always thought of myself as someone who likes "just the right amount of suicide".

But the answer is always clear.

I like it maybe not suicidal, but ...... own death.

It seems that the wonderful thing is not only the process of death.

Death itself...... It is also a unique work of art.

It's just that in the past, I would stop this process just right, so that I don't really die, so as to ...... Never experience this incredible feeling again.

And being killed by someone else is a higher way to die.

In front of you—

With a very standard gesture, the instructor clinged to the scalpel that reflected the glow, and gently slashed it over the skin that had lost its blood.

The blade of the scalpel is very sharp.

Where the blade goes.

Skin, fat, muscle.

Blood vessels, veins, nerves.

The primordial form of life is exposed to bright light naked, unobstructed.

It's wonderful.

I almost couldn't keep that normal person.

I want to die......

I want to ...... Killed by someone else......

This slightly crazy idea is completely ingrained in my mind, and it can no longer be completely stripped away.

After that, I began to intentionally or unintentionally let others injure myself with all kinds of instruments in my course and life, whether serious or light.

At the time of the incident, I never cared about their panicked emotions and apologies.

I just watched the blood oozing from the wound and felt the joy that felt from it.

Albeit...... It is still far from the level of "lethality".

I'm longing for death.

It is no longer the suicide that happened just right, but a complete killing by the hands of others.

But in this society, you want to be deliberately killed...... It is indeed an extremely difficult thing to do.

I need to design the whole process myself, identify those who are likely to kill me, and use this whole process to complete the death as a matter of course.

I'm no longer the normal guy I am.

I started to behave flamboyantly, unreasonably, and irritablely.

At the same time, I started digging corners, humiliating people, and provoking people to their faces in every way I could think of.

I carefully plan, lay out, and guide others to do something to me in every part of my life.

But...... I failed.

Why......

Why is there no one who has completely lost his mind?

Is this era too civilized?

It must be.

Otherwise...... I can only say that I was unlucky.

Those kinds of school violence and social darkness seem to only appear in film and television dramas.

And all around me are cowardly people.

I've done my best, but I haven't met those godsends.

I started to give up.

I knew I might have to go back to all those boring lives.

But when I stepped into a new world, I could no longer rely on those modest suicide methods to add fun and motivation to my life.

I knew that I was about to regret it for the rest of my life, and that I would live this boring and ordinary life.

But it wasn't long before things took a turn for the better.

The reason is ...... I had a dream.

In my dreams, I can be killed by all kinds of people in various ways without any scruples.

Maybe it's because of the obsession in my heart, every time I am killed, a certain part of my body will turn into some kind of hard texture, and sometimes I will lose my skin and become flesh and blood.

I can't count how many times I've died over and over again in that dream.

All I know is ...... I'm happy.

Really, very happy.

I thought I could only experience happiness once in a lifetime, but I have experienced it countless times.

During the process, a voice kept telling me to accept him.

Such...... I can bring that happiness back to reality.

Naturally, I readily agreed.

But...... He lied to me.

He lied to me......

He lied to me!!

He lied to me, he lied to me, he lied to me, he lied to me!!!!

When I came back to reality, I became the stiff I had become after a thousand deaths in my dreams.

When I look at the reflection in the mirror......

I realized that I had become a mannequin that I used to do in anatomy class.

This is what it looks like...... Will anyone really come near me?

Of course it can't be.

When the others saw a walking anatomical model, they would just scream and run away.

No one will dare to approach me.

And no one will kill me.

I'm in pain.

Those thousands of deaths have made me inseparable from that heartfelt happiness.

But no one will kill me again.

Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody......!!!, nobody

Hehe......

Since no one wants to kill me.

Then I'...... I'll force you to kill me.

No...... Now it's supposed to be "us".

Otherwise...... It is you who die.

Hahahaha...... Ha ha...... Hahahahahaha......ha

I'll try to enjoy it all.

Enjoy it well and slowly.

Until...... The day he was completely killed.

…………

Hey......

This is...... Where......

Today...... What day is it?

I...... And who?

Yes......

Right.

My name is Park Hoon-yeon.

I'm from Country 8.

21 years old, single, male......