Because all my thoughts are lost, my heart is dead. I don't want to live anymore, but I am unwilling, I think of Zhang Xu's harm to me, I think of the injury my father suffered, I want to take revenge, avenge myself, and avenge my parents. I'm going to settle all of this before I leave.

But how do I fix it? How to take revenge? I can't wait to kill Zhang Xu, but I can't kill him, if my heart is ruthless enough, I don't need to kill him, I can send him to prison directly. I also couldn't do anything about the people who hurt my father, so I could only keep suffering. Now I can't advance, I can't retreat. I regret letting Zhang Xu again and again, I don't want him now, but it's too late, the appeal period for suing for subdivision has passed, I have no right to appeal again, I want to apply for a retrial, I don't have the energy or ability anymore.

Zhang Xu beat me, I was supposed to have my injuries checked, but I didn't go, I couldn't go even if I wanted to go again, it was also expired, and the injuries were already healed. But the wound to the soul is permanent.

I want to sue the bank, but I don't know if it's expired. Because it's been a few years. I now feel that even if I fight any lawsuit, I will not win it, unless I hire a lawyer, and I have to hire a lawyer with ethics.

I want to kill Zhang Xu now, I believe I can do it, I can not care about his mother's life or death. It's not just her son who deserves to die, she's not innocent, and he's not a good person. But if I kill Zhang Xu, he is just a momentary pain, and what about me? I'm not afraid of anything, but after all, I have a son, and if something happens to me, it will definitely affect him. I don't have the ability to keep him from knowing, and even if I want to, someone will let him know. So, what would happen to a sinful mother like me? What will others think of him? I can't let my son get hurt in any way because of me.

If you want to take revenge, you can't take revenge, and if you don't take revenge, you can't swallow this breath. For my father, too, I want to avenge him, but I can't do it either, it's his relatives, it's also my relatives, I can't do it either, although I know that they deserve retribution and punishment, but I can't be ruthless with outsiders, let alone my own relatives?

After my mother died, I could dream of her all the time, but I rarely dreamed of my father. I guess my father must have blamed me for not being able to protect him. When I was young, he protected me, but when he was old and he needed protection, I, as a daughter, did not protect him. He must have blamed me for not venting his anger for him and not avenging his grievances. Let him leave this world with resentment. But I really can't do it, how can I do it? Did he cut his son and daughter-in-law with a knife? Kill that hateful sister with a knife? I couldn't do it either.

I couldn't find a little outlet to vent to, and I didn't know what I was going to do. I now think, why is there no Meng Po soup in the world? If there is, I must drink it, I want to forget about these things, I want to forget all the people.

Now I seem to have a devil living in my heart, I always have the urge to kill someone, and recently, I always inexplicably throw out the things in my hand, for example, I am holding a mirror in my hand, then I will suddenly, the mirror in my hand is still viciously still on the ground, I have thrown two mirrors, I also threw the mobile phone in my hand viciously thrown out, the screen is broken, I changed the screen again. While eating, I also broke the bowl.

Afterwards, I would cover my eyes with both hands and let the tears flow down my fingers. When I went to work, I was better, because I was focused on the children, so I thought about these things less, but suddenly when I was free, I thought more. I suddenly regretted that I shouldn't have quit. But if I don't resign, I'm afraid that I'll hurt other people's children, so I feel that it's wrong to resign for a while, and then I feel that it's right to resign.

Sometimes I even start talking to myself, and what I think in my heart, I say it for no reason. I just lay in the house all the time, my eyes were closed, I didn't move, I didn't even want to cook, I didn't want to eat, I didn't cook when I was hungry, I didn't eat, I just lay down like that.

After lying down for two days, my head started to get groggy and my stomach started to rumble. There was really no way, I was able to support my weak body. Seeing that Zhang Xu's mother was still watching TV in the living room, I didn't want to see her, I didn't want to see anyone in their family. So I chose to go out for a bite to eat.

I suddenly felt that I should dress up and dress myself, I have never been very soaking up makeup, I took those simple cosmetics, after washing my face, I sat in front of the mirror, carefully began to apply, first water, then essence, then lotion, then isolation. I've been buying these cosmetics for two or three years, and I think, in fact, I buy them, and I rarely wipe them, even if I wipe them, I wipe them like this, and if I don't wipe them like that, I never wipe them in full. If you use it every day, you can't even use half of these things, but now there are many of these things, and I don't know if they have expired, and I don't care about it.

To be honest, I didn't wipe it so carefully when I got married. I used to think that I didn't need any cosmetics at all, even if I didn't wipe it, it looked good, but when I got older, I thought I didn't wipe it when I was young, and what did I do when I was older? It wasn't until there was a crisis in my marriage with Zhang Xu that I went out to rent a house and thought about buying these things, I wanted to dress myself up beautifully, but I thought like that, I bought things, but I didn't bother to use them when I bought them back.

I only use a little bit occasionally when I'm happy, but now I want to clean myself up. After I wiped all these things, I thought about putting on some lipstick, but when I thought about it, it hadn't been three years since my father died, so I didn't put on lipstick. I don't need to draw my eyebrows, because my eyebrows are also curved and long, so I don't need to draw them anymore, just use an eyebrow trimmer to trim the extra points. I don't need to wear makeup for my eyes. Because I think my eyes are pretty good, I've always been proud of my eyebrows on this face, and many people say that my eyes are good-looking. So even if I don't touch up, it's beautiful, and even if I have to wear eye makeup, I won't, and I don't have those things.

I simply put on a little makeup and looked in the mirror. The face is quite fair, the eyes are quite big, the eyelashes are quite long, the eyebrows are quite curved, the nose is straight, and the mouth is quite small.

He grinned bitterly in the mirror, and his exposed teeth were quite white. Because he never smoked, didn't drink, and didn't eat much sugar, although he was in his forties, his teeth were not yellow, and he was not active, and he was very healthy.

After dressing up, I got dressed and walked out, Zhang Xu's mother saw me, as if she was quite surprised, she asked me, "Are you going out?" ”

"Get out." I say. She didn't say anything more, and I didn't say anything more. That's how we are, we just say one word when we meet, and there is absolutely no second sentence to say. Only when she used me to do the work for her would she come to my bedroom and talk to me more. I don't usually want to talk to her, I answer when she asks, she doesn't ask me, and I don't have words. Maybe I'm too cautious, right? Anyway, I don't forgive her from the bottom of my heart for teaming up with her son to bully me. So it's impossible for me to take the initiative to talk to her.