I have fantasized countless times about going back to a time in the past with the memory of the present, and this fantasy is especially strong after every failure, every time I cry, every time I want to give up, every time I am deceived by betrayal, so strong that I go crazy, and now I know that I am a strange coward, the biggest coward, always thinking of escape, always deceiving myself, always indulging in my own fantasies.

But what if I was really going back in time? It's nothing more than a few detours and a little more flat. Maybe I have already become a successful son in the eyes of others, with money and power, luxury cars and mansions. But I can no longer meet some of the people around me now, and I can no longer experience the things I remember now, so I know that no matter how bright the promise is, it is not what I want, and I will refuse it all; It's not what I love, and I resist it all.

My unhealthy family environment made me feel inferior to the point where I was too low to be able to tell others about my needs, I didn't dare to face the atrocities, I was always pretending to be asleep or dreaming for no reason, so that I could deceive myself and let myself sleep more deeply. But to escape, after all, it will reach the point of avoidance, no matter how well the person who pretends to be asleep, he will still wake up when he should wake up.

As I peered into all the corners of the darkness, I realized that I was either consumed by the darkness or I burned myself and faced the darkness in search of the unnamed light. I am cowardly but not lacking in courage, I am cowardly but not mean, I am dull but not cunning, I am mediocre but not hypocritical, I am mud but I never say I am gold. I'm just me, a different fireworks. I am who I am, and when I truly understand that I am who I am, I am no longer me.

People who live to die no longer despise life and do not value life too much, I once asked my mother, "What can I do to make you happy if you brought me into this world and did not give me hope?" The answer did not satisfy me, in that silent night, I thought for a hundred years, but in the end I did not die, so I was reborn in the darkness, to have my own independence and maturity. I know from that night that my life is my own journey, my life is not limited by anyone's eyes, my life is not defined by anyone's eyes, my life does not need anyone to plan for me, and my future is up to me if there is an abyss or a cliff. A wonderful life doesn't need to be defined, and nothing can imprison the torrent of my life. "From the day there is a world to the day when the world is destroyed, human beings cannot be equal, and it is always ordinary people who follow the footsteps of a few real people", no matter how selfless and noble the hero is, I can learn from him and follow his example, no matter how much I respect him, but I will never blur or even annihilate the individuality because of this, even if the individuality cannot be displayed in the collective, because "those who are willing to be slaves will not be arrogant; Those who dare to spend a lot of money will not be begged for a piece of Showa candy by the enemy's men. ”

I am not willing to be a slave, or to be a cookie-cutter template, I also want to be heroic, but also want to be angry. I had only been working on the construction site for half a day, and I went at 6:30 in the morning, and I had not rested for a moment, but the foreman thought that I had rested for a long time, and I was exhausted and paralyzed by noon that day. Although it was an anticlimactic experience, it still taught me that everything needs to be done, and if I can't stand it, then I'm bound to suffer it, and that's it. But the sweat on the construction site is the most worthless sweat, so the hard-earned money of the working people is the most precious money, you never know how boring and empty life is at the end of the day, but the essence of life may be boring and empty.

I don't want to be anyone, I just want to be myself, I just want to be with the people I like the way I like. My relationship with my mom is best of friends, and although it is a dispute, it does not hurt at all. I mean, while I'm going to hurt some people inadvertently, believe me, it's not just you. My past self has always pestered me, please leave after three eplegies, I won't look back, I've lost too much time in the past, life.

Everyone can see the mirror in reality, but the mirror in the heart is not so easy to peep into, after all, "the one who sees the fish is unknown". But that doesn't stop you from looking at it once in a while. After all, this is how I can see the light in the darkness, and where the particles of light fall, I see the wings spread.