The human heart is a strange thing, and if there is the slightest suspicion, it will spread in all directions, just to smell the clues that can confirm the self-doubt.

Yuan Chengle and Fang Mumu returned home from school after school, for what happened to Fang Mumu that day, Yuan Chengle felt a little guilty in his heart, and he wanted to make up for it in his own way. He and Fang Mumu hadn't been to their secret base together since the beginning of this semester, let alone studied together. Therefore, when the two of them walked to the door of Yuan Chengle's house, he grabbed Fang Mumu who was wilting beside him and proposed, "Tomorrow is a holiday, do you want to go to our secret base to write homework and review textbooks?" ”

Fang Mumu raised her head and looked at Yuan Chengle who suddenly stopped, she wanted to respond to Yuan Chengle with a smile as usual, but she really couldn't muster up a little strength to smile, she collapsed with a pale face, "No." ”

Fang Mumu's eyes noticed the big iron gate behind Yuan Chengle, she suddenly returned home so soon, she thought that she could follow Yuan Chengle for a while, and she could escape the experience of not facing the day that had passed.

Time is easy to pass, memories are hard to erase, Fang Mumu's eyes wandered between Yuan Chengle and the door behind him, opened his mouth, and said to Yuan Chengle in a low voice, "You're home, it's time to go in." ”

Then, Fang Mumu didn't wait for Yuan Chengle's response any longer, she turned around without love, and she slowly walked towards the door of her house step by step.

Fang Mumu, who stepped into the house, did not go straight to the kitchen as usual, did not run to Yu Cai's side and share with Yu Cai the experience of this day in school, but stopped at the door, and the wooden door behind her made an old creak.

Under the brief accompaniment of the wooden door, Fang Mumu looked at the courtyard where he had lived for nine years, the ground with solidified soil, the bars of cattle sheds besieging the city with dry wood branches, the earthen platforms that had been knocked off the corners and corners, the half of the curtain on the kitchen door did not cover the dirt of the wooden door but stained himself, the spots were the trajectory of its life, the red brick house put on a gray coat to show off his persistence in the wind and rain of the years, and a white cloud on the blue on the horizon wanted to force a little sunshine into the courtyard. However, Fang Mumu couldn't see the slightest beauty, she could see poverty and despondency in every part of them, and this poverty and despondency nourished the inferiority complex in Fang Mumu's heart: You shouldn't go to school like this!

"Mumu~" Yu Cai stood at the door of the kitchen, shouting to Fang Mumu, who was standing motionless at the gate.

I don't know if it was because of the schoolbag, or because of the experience of this day, Fang Mumu, who was a little hunchbacked, shifted his gaze from staring at the courtyard to Yu Cai, "In~" Her ears couldn't hear her voice clearly, she didn't know if her mother heard it. Fang Mumu didn't answer again, but walked slowly towards his mother with heavy feet.

Except for Yu Cai who looked at the wilted Fang Mumu worriedly and asked a few more questions, everything else was going on as usual.

It wasn't until Fang Mumu sat down on the kang in the side room after dinner that she felt her wandering thoughts crash into reality and fall into place. She was glad that her father hadn't seen her, and she thanked her mother for not asking her anything. She didn't change her clothes, she slept on the kang, and the darkness with her eyes closed was like worshipping the gods, enshrineing the inferiority complex in her heart, baptizing it, and worshipping it. Those subtle self-questioning were like a dagger slashing at her thoughts.

In the torment of self-denial, Fang Mumu, whose consciousness had begun to blur, heard the sound of the door closing, heard his mother's footsteps, felt the coldness of the quilt covering his body, and felt his mother's hand gently patting himself wrapped under the quilt. She didn't dare to move, she couldn't even hold her breath, and when she was extremely uncomfortable, she took advantage of a certain gap in time to exhale her breath and hold it again.

Fang Mumu could feel his mother's gaze on him, maybe his mother had something to say, but in the end, only one sentence echoed in her ears lightly, not big or small, "If you were a boy, wouldn't it be better?" ”

A tear rushed out of the corner of Fang Mumu's sideways eye that slept on the pillow, awakening consciousness and praying for the darkness and silence of the night at the same time.

Fang Mumu, who was forced by the breath and forced tears, made her feel more and more that she was about to collapse, and a second before she was about to open her mouth and open her eyes to break the jar, she heard the sound of the switch pulled by the rope, as if she was saying to Fang Mumu: Don't worry, I don't want the light to see your fragility, thus saddening my silent payment.

Fang Mumu opened her mouth and opened her eyes, the darkness engulfed everything, in such darkness, she thought for a long time, and came to a conclusion that was only one sentence: yes, why am I not a boy?

What can survive is the day, the night, the life that has been given a long time, and what is left in the end is only the unspeakable in a certain time node, such as the lingering inferiority complex in Fang Mumu's heart.

"Mumu, don't you have any homework this week?" Yu Cai was tinkering with the wheat he had brought back from the field, and asked Fang Mumu, who was sitting not far from him, in a daze.

Fang Mumu lowered his head, walked up to Yu Cai, didn't say a word, and helped Yu Cai get the wheat.

"Fang Mumu, mom asked you!" Yu Cai looked at Fang Mumu, who had been stuffy like a stuffy gourd since she came back yesterday, she suddenly increased her tone, although she knew that she really shouldn't be like this at this time, but she didn't want Fang Mumu to just let her keep talking and hold back everything, if she continued like this, something would go wrong sooner or later.

It was the first time Fang Mumu heard Yu Cai's stern tone, like a stranger, her hand stopped in mid-air, she shrank and wanted to bury her head in the ground, she didn't know how to face Yu Cai, and she didn't know how to answer Yu Cai, whether to tell the truth that she didn't want to touch the book, or to nod deceptively in affirmation.

"Fang Mumu, you can't hear me, can you?" Yu Cai stood up and looked down at Fang Mumu.

Fang Mumu felt the coercion from Yu Cai after she stood up, originally she didn't want to look up at her mother's worried face, but at this moment she didn't dare to look up at her mother's face, there must have been anger on that face.

"I don't want to go to school anymore." Fang Mumu's voice was as small as a mosquito bite when he said this, and even so, Yu Cai still heard it.

"What did you say?" Yu Cai thought it was her auditory hallucination, maybe others didn't know what Fang Mumu had gone through to be able to go to school, but she, as a mother, could see it better than anyone else, she was scolded, beaten, endured the pain, and secretly studied... You don't need a passion for reading to endure it again and again.

"I said I wouldn't go to school anymore!" Fang Mumu cried and screamed, she shouted out the words she had hidden in her heart these days, and under her voice was a stubborn grievance.

From that day to this moment, Fang Mumu asked himself more than once, "Am I really suitable for school?" The only answer she can give is no, and the more she tries to find affirmation in these negative answers, the more inferior she feels in her heart.

Fang Mumu felt a gust of wind blowing from the bottom up on his cheeks, and the sun drew a shadow for the wind, and its shadow had merged with the shadow of his mother's body, turning into his mother's raised hand. She waited, waiting for the raised hand to fall heavily, waking up her dreaming self all along, so that she could clearly realize that she was not the one who could swim in the ocean of knowledge.

The autumn wind rose with the fine dust and fell with every grain of dust, but it did not bring Fang Mumu to close his eyes and wait. She slowly opened her eyes, and after adjusting to the light, she moved her gaze from the soles of her feet to her mother's raised hand, and she couldn't tell whether her mother, with her dark face with her back to the sun, was happy, disappointed, or regretted why she didn't give birth to a boy.

Yu Cai turned around and walked into the kitchen, she wiped the side of her face with the hand that she had raised for a long time until she trembled but did not fall, but her eyelashes were stained with unwiped tears.

Yu Cai thought that Fang Mumu felt a little tired because of what he had experienced at school, and Fang Mumu's sentence that he didn't want to go to school was just talking.

Yu Cai, who couldn't wake up Fang Mumu no matter how he screamed on Monday morning, suddenly realized that the words that came out of Fang Mumu's mouth were more than just words.

Yu Cai almost rushed off the kang and opened the door vigorously, and she quickly put the thin curtain hanging on the door on the door, letting the light of the day shine into the side room. She glanced at the closed wooden door of the main house, Fang Jian, who was still sleeping in the wooden door, may have been woken up by the sound of his own door opening, or maybe he was smacking his mouth and scolding himself for not being sensible. But at this moment, Yu Cai didn't want to care anymore, if she was beaten because of this, she would admit it.

Then, Yu Cai quickly returned to the kang, picked up Fang Mumu from the quilt, and sat Fang Mumu standing on the kang, and then she grabbed Fang Mumu's shoulders and shook Fang Mumu vigorously, "Fang Mumu, open your eyes for me!" Don't think you can hide with your eyes closed! ”

Fang Mumu's eyes opened as if the plank blocking the torrent had been removed, and the surging tears splashed onto Yu Cai's arm, and she didn't say a word begging for mercy.

Yu fixed Fang Mumu's face with his hand, leaned his face close to Fang Mumu, and said in a hoarse voice that Fang Mumu could hear, "Fang Mumu, I don't care how unwilling you are, get up immediately and go to school for me!" Did you hear that?! ”

"But I don't want to go to school." Fang Mumu lowered her eyes, not daring to look at Yu Cai, who looked a little crazy now, and she squeezed out an answer from between her teeth.

"I don't care if you want to or not! Must go to school! Yu Cai's breath as he spoke, and he slammed it vigorously on Fang Mumu's face.

"But..."

"No, but! Must go to school! I'll let go, you get up immediately, do you hear?! Yu Cai didn't want to give Fang Mumu a chance to explain at all.

Fang Mumu didn't say anything more, let alone nod in agreement.

"Did you hear that?" As soon as Yu Cai's words fell, a voice sounded right after.

"What are you doing?" Fang Jian stood at the door, staring at Yu Cai and Fang Mumu who were sitting face-to-face on the kang in the side room with a pair of sleepy eyes.

Fang Jian's voice startled both Yu Cai and Fang Mumu, Yu Cai thought that she would not care about Fang Jian's attitude at this moment, but when she really saw Fang Jian, she was still intimidated.

"I'm dressing Mumu, and the child is about to go to school." Yu Cai said, and began to pull Fang Mumu's clothes up and down, left and right, she could feel Fang Mumu's trembling at the moment, yes, if Fang Mumu dared to say to Fang Jian that he didn't go to school at this moment, Fang Jian would definitely be angry, and the degree of anger would not be just Xiao Mars.

"Then adults won't wear their own?" Listening carefully, you can hear Fang Jian's voice mixed with the hoarseness that has not woken up.

Fang Mumu, who didn't move, began to wave his hands that he didn't feel like he was pulling his clothes up and down, left and right.

Fang Jian didn't continue to speak, and when he turned to leave, his spitting voice was very loud, waking up Fang Mumu who wanted to escape.