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CHAPTER XX

[When you fall in love with someone, you can be so embarrassed]

（2022.8.13）

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01

When you fall in love with someone, you really can't do anything, and then you really want to spend your life with him, and you have made a lot of effort and dedication for this love.

But I found that the more you exert yourself, the farther away he becomes, and he doesn't treat you as you imagined and expected, and even your future is only one of you to carry the weight forward.

You feel lonely, you need companionship, you need someone to read your heart, you think he can. Because at that special time, when you were in a state of depression and tired from being physically and mentally tortured for a long time, he just appeared.

If his appearance is a gift from God, why don't you often feel the security that emanates from him?

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02

He's too passive, he's too rational, he's too cold and cold. You think you know him well, that he just loves you too much and is afraid of being hurt, so you put on a heavy mask.

In the end, you find out that you are too self-righteous and that it is not the case. He knows that you are very emotional, but he feels that you are too much, and this love will become a burden for each other.

You feel very aggrieved, you have been tolerating him, slowing down the pace of love, catering to his life trajectory, and doing your best not to disturb, sending messages and calling have to be measured, let alone meeting, extravagant hopes.

In his eyes, it seems that all the ideas you put forward, even if you just hope that he can talk to you well and run in this relationship, what you get is that he positions you as an idler who is full of food and has nothing to do.

Your sense of security is completely lacking, your disappointments have accumulated too much, and you finally understand that the person you love is not an avoidant attachment personality, he doesn't love you at all.

You finally understand that he is not you. You can live happily because of love, nourish your emotions, work hard to make money, and strive for your future. And he's not you.

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03

He feels that your love is too heavy and a big stumbling block in his life. He just wants to escape, he doesn't need love to nourish his emotions. He doesn't want to be distracted by experiencing love. You are no longer the treasure that made him panic in the past, and now you are nothing more than a burden to him.

You cry out for injustice, and it is difficult to calm down. It's not because of unequal love, it's not that there is a huge disparity between high and low love, but he can't see how hard you work for this love. Perhaps, he is not rare for all your efforts, and it is not rare for you to do your best to restrain your love for him.

In order to balance this love, you hide all your thoughts and love in the bottom of your heart, and when you can't help it, you can only ask him carefully, can you not be too cold, can you reply? In exchange, it became more and more apathetic and bored.

He said that he had too many things to think about every day, and the work pressure was very high. He said that he was really in no mood to talk to me every day, it was too extravagant. He wants you to empathize, be considerate, and understand.

Every time he tells you the difficulties of work, he blames all the non-management of love on you making a big fuss and making a big fuss, you are really inconsiderate, and you really become a girlfriend who is not considerate at all, you are really bad at all, and let your boyfriend suffer so much.

Right! You are also very sad, every time the contradiction comes, you promise that you will change, work very hard to kill your thoughts, and try very hard to force yourself to control your emotions to give him enough personal space he wants, and then you retreat again and again...... But then what?

A half-hour phone call a day......

The average frequency of 3 phone calls in a month......

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We only see each other twice in 3 months......

Video calls are only available once......

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The average daily message is down to 15 minutes......

In what you think is too much information for no private time......

This love, from the heart, is it really too crooked?

In this love, is my girlfriend really too lacking in heart?

However, you still love him very much, tolerate and try not to send him messages or calls, hold back the negative energy of huge thoughts and gains and losses, and strive to stand in his perspective for him, and maintain this love with your heart.

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04

Is it worth it? Standing on tiptoe like this, loving so frightened, loving so trembling, loving so much that people are panting and feeling weak.

You toss and turn, all your efforts and restraint in the end the clown turned out to be just yourself, he still shouted that you can't get tired of it, he felt very tired.

You finally cried for two hours, and you were finally no longer afraid of his anger. He once said that when you cry, he gets angry and wants to curse.

You've had enough of disappointment, you've understood that the person you love doesn't really love you, he loves himself more and pays more attention to his own feelings.

You have suddenly realized that he is not you, and you regard love as a nourishment, love is so beautiful, it can make the turbulent life more courage and motivation. Perhaps, he also yearns for love, but he is not you in his heart.

You have completely chilled your heart, and your love is not the same as his. His love is constantly weighing the pros and cons and you are currently just the best option for him, there are no exceptions and preferences, at least you are not his exceptions and preferences at the moment.

And your love can't help it, as long as it's him, you are willing to break through everything, and you won't look back until you break the south wall. It's sad and lamentable, only you are the one who touches in the end, and he doesn't cherish your full effort.

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05

Yes, have you forgotten what he said when he hated you: "I know you love me, I don't have to repeat it so much!" "What a humiliation you have brought on yourself! Love, can it be eaten as a meal? Although you have a stable job, this salary is barely enough to support a family. Actually, you are not strong, what kind of love do you say?

Are you upset again? You feel that love is giving, and love is making both parties better. Therefore, you have been trying very hard to sympathize with his life is not easy, find ways to improve yourself to engage in side hustles, control your emotions hard, restrain your insecurity and impulse to love, in order to just hope that this love can develop healthily and have a future hope.

The result? You don't have any regrets now, don't you? It's him who misses it, not you, right? After crying, wash and sleep, and the sun will rise tomorrow, won't it?

Loving someone will go out of their way to take action for the people they love, move forward bravely for the future, work hard to make money, and find ways to create the best future for both parties.

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06

The negative emotions he brings to you are several times greater than the positive ones. Anxiety, low self-esteem, loneliness, helplessness, aggrieved...... You're putting too much emotion into him.

But you always can't let go of him, you often feel that you are obviously the most wronged and sad, but you always make it seem that he is very uncomfortable, he is deeply hurt by you, and he has a clear conscience. Strangely, he thought the same thing......

If you can't meet the expectations of the other party despite your best efforts, then the pig-killing knife of "time" will ruthlessly pull the relationship between each other, and finally achieve that life is no longer chaotic and becomes orderly.

If this love has brought infinite consumption to each other, letting go is also a kind of love. For your own sake and for his sake, you should understand that you have always been a person who dares to love and dare to leave. If he is not reluctant, he will not make you so sad and say so many hurtful things to you. Every sentence pierces the heart, and every sentence has a poisonous tongue.

The love of this article is overflowing, even you can't stand it anymore, this love is too heavy. Your love is like a heavy ear of wheat ripe, and if the peasant uncle does not cut the wheat in time, the ears will fall all over the ground with the wind, and the whole land will be full of ears......

（97）

【Diary】

2022.8.14Rainy day

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You don't love me anymore!

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Fact 1: I'm not sure if you have me in your heart anymore, if you really love me, if you really want to see me. I asked you before, how did you get back to me? You scold me! You tell me to feel for myself. Do you think you're very powerful, so perfunctory to me!

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Fact 2: You say you don't want to get tired every day, you feel extravagant! Then I'll give you the math of our three-month long-distance relationship, what will we talk about! This love, from the heart, is it really too crooked? This love, am I really too lacking in heart! Is my love too stressful for you! (1) Telephone conversation for half an hour a day...... The average frequency of 3 phone calls in a month...... (2) We only meet twice in 3 months...... (3) There is only one video call...... (4) The average daily information is 15 minutes (you still think that there is too much information and no personal time, and you are tired of it every day!) ）

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Fact 3: What I asked for! I just hope you don't treat me too coldly, give me a hug and kiss occasionally, and call me treasure! You don't give me any emotional value at all, and I ask you about your gains and losses, so you keep asking me to guess and scold me! You say it's love for me? Is this an expression of your love for me? I don't want sadomasochistic love! I'm desperately insecure right now, I'm going to run away!

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Fact 4: What couple doesn't have a love period? We have been together for three months, divided and combined several times, deleted and blocked several times, and the reason is just one: you are too cold to me, I can't stand it! My love is very precious, and I don't cherish it every time you chase it back! Why are you so repeated! I've barely seen you like in love! You talk to me like a friend, an old husband and wife, but you say that I am not as deep as your spiritual pillar! Faulted...... The relationship is broken! I've been deprived of all my sense of security by you!

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Fact 5: Adult love, according to what you say, I accept it, you can not be like young people who are tired of saying that you love me, and I love you every day, which is greasy and disgusting. But, here's what you think, and I can accept part of it. Things must be reversed, and the expression of love is greasy, and if you don't express it at all, you don't pay attention to it. You don't value me, good! I also retaliate with a tooth for a tooth! Don't cry and ask me to say I love you! Just as I can't ask for it today!