(Demining: First Person Statement)

My name is Shangguan Que, and my biological mother gave me the name.

She wanted to use my name to tell everyone that I wasn't a whole child, that I was sick and missing.

Even though I look normal, I can't be normal.

As long as I want to live, I have to be sick, half-dead.

She thought that she would be able to save me in this way, but she didn't expect that she couldn't protect herself at all.

I have known for as long as I can remember that every few days the abominable man would burst in, and he would pull my mother into the house and close the door so that no one would enter.

Then the mother would cry and cry out in pain, and then she would soon be at peace, and then she would come out for a long time.

But after each time, my mother would lose her mind for a long time.

I didn't understand what my mother meant by that state at first, until one time I stumbled upon a dead palace man, and I was scared.

It's not that I'm scared because I see a dead person, it's because the dead man is in a state like my mother.

At one point, I was worried that she would die too.

But I didn't expect that she wanted to kill me before she died.

What does it feel like to have your mouth and nose covered by a pillow?

I watched her cry and said sorry to me, watched her cry and told me she couldn't help it, looked at her and said that we will go to hell together and be mother and son in the next life......

I mentally refused, I didn't want to be her child anymore.

I don't want this afterlife either.

It's too hard, it's too hard to be a human being, it's no fun, maybe only death is liberation.

Unfortunately, after the pain, when I opened my eyes, I realized that I was not dead.

Even, she looks more injured than I am.

I don't know what happened that day, but the doctor came and went, diagnosed her and then came to give me needles.

My cough never got better, and she was lying in bed all day, unable to even get up.

The damn man came a few more times, but he didn't seem happy, and even cried once.

I don't understand.

Then, she died.

I was afraid of her death, and I was looking forward to her death.

When she really died, and I became a careless child, I finally realized that the days when I could eat and drink enough and dress every day were actually good days.

The man had many sons, and he came and went in a hurry every day, and he didn't seem to deal with each other.

I don't understand.

I'm so hungry.

I continued to stay in my mother's yard and no one brought me food, as if I was a transparent person, and no one could see me or know me.

I guess I'm really a transparent person.

With no one to see me, I found countless paths hidden in the branches and walls of this palace, and in only half a month, I was able to skillfully find the dining room from my mother's courtyard, and then eat to my heart's content.

Only sometimes I would suddenly be opaque, and when I was seen, I would be verbally abused, and occasionally someone would beat me.

So I learned to be more careful, and soon I was walking up and down the palace and no one could find me.

Now that I think about it, there is a huge Miyagi, and I want to hide how simple it is to hide a child.

But no one cared about me, no one taught me, so when I was hungry I went to steal food, and when I was sleepy, I went back to my mother's bed to sleep, and when it was cold, I looked for some clothes to put on my body.

All in all, I survived, and I lived well to be six years old, until Zhou Zhao ventured into the palace to see me.

Zhou Zhao, or rather my uncle, burst into tears at the first sight of me.

He hugged me and cried silently, saying something like he was late and made me suffer.

It's late, it's bitter, I don't know.

But I'm still very happy to be able to go out of that square Miyagi.

Zhou Zhao's place is not too big, far worse than the palace, and he is the only one.

He went out early and returned a few days late, as if he was sure of something, and then hugged me and told me to call him father in the future, and let me change my name to Zhou Chuwan in the future.

I didn't understand at that time, and I couldn't speak, so I just looked at him blankly, and Zhou Zhao burst into tears when I saw it.

This man seems to be very capable of crying, and when I see him crying, for some reason, I always think of my mother.

I didn't like to see him cry, so I started trying to call him, father.

But he cried again.

It's about me that the screaming is too ugly.

Then he got busy again, and said that he would take me to the south, and that when he got there, he could take me openly and teach me anything.

I didn't understand, but I didn't know where to go, so I had to agree.

And then we didn't have time to go to the south, winter came.

I almost coughed up in bed.

Ever since my mother covered me with a pillow, I've always been sad when it's cold. I used to hide in bed, cough and faint and wake up, but now, Zhou Zhao takes care of me.

I actually feel that there seems to be a little bit of goodness in life.

After surviving a winter, seeing Zhou Zhao's red eyes for me, I didn't know what to do, so I could only call him father.

Then he cried again, hugged me, and cried out.

For the first time, I learned that a man could cry like that, although it was much later that I realized that he was just seeing another child through me.

He and his wife's only child.

When the weather warms up, he's going to take me south.

Before leaving, he took me shopping, and I went to such a lively and crowded place at one time, and I didn't notice it for a while, so I couldn't find Zhou Zhao.

I remember that he was supposed to be over there, but after looking for a long time and not finding it, I came across another ...... Something strange to the people.

She asked me to call her sister, and she took my hand, wiped my face, and fed me sweet pastries.

Her voice is good, her hands are soft, especially,

Her eyes are so beautiful.

I've been looking into her eyes.

I don't want to go south anymore, I want to be with my sister.

But no, I was sent back to Zhou Zhao by my sister's family, and Zhou Zhao was also frightened, hugged me tightly, and soon went to the south without caring for more.

I grew up in the army and gradually became like a normal person, but it only looked the same.

The past of my childhood has left indelible scars on my soul, and sometimes I sit on a tree branch and look at the north, thinking of that square imperial city, the only thing I feel is disgusting.

I'm going to get my mother's bones out and bury them in a place like that, she's going to be disgusting.

After Nan'an was defeated and voluntarily declared himself a vassal to Dasheng, I returned to the capital with my father.

The man on the throne has changed, the son of the hateful man.

It is said that he killed the man and all his brothers to sit on the throne.

It's good, it's disgusting, and it's worthy of this Miyagi.

He is really disgusting in doing things, obviously hypocritical to death, his eyes are full of vigilance and greed, but he says the best things on his lips, and he wants to give his father a marquis.

The hero of the expansion of the territory and the recovery of the enemy country, the marquis.

It's ridiculous.

But Zhou Zhao and I don't care, since we have decided to return to Beijing, we are all ready.

In order to show his trust in the Marquis of Annan's mansion, the emperor let me enter the palace as a personal guard.

Funny, is he afraid that I won't be able to kill him?

But he is not that man, that man has returned to dust, and Zhou Zhao, the skeleton of his mother, was also picked up with me and buried in the ancestral grave of the Zhou family.

In the future, I'll go here too.

The Shangguan family has nothing to do with me.

The so-called King Qin, who was sick and couldn't get out of bed, was just a stand-in for me to arrange there, so that the emperor could show his benevolence and forgiveness.

It's funny.

It's so disgusting and funny to be alive, so I don't want to live too long.

Thirty years of life is enough.

…… If I hadn't attended the Queen Mother's birthday banquet.

Those eyes as bright as stars are still there.

And it fell into my arms.

I, how can I do it.

When I was a child, the path I had to find in the palace for food became useful, and I began to look forward to seeing her every night.

until you sink deeper and deeper......

If it's for her, I want to live a little longer, isn't it a bit hypocritical?

But it's true.

After recovering Master Lin, I realized that she had given me such a big surprise when I returned to Beijing!

I didn't even want my own life, but now she gives me more continuity......

I cried like Zhou Zhao, who was once called "father" by me.

Those three months of treatment were so painful that I was thinking she would be able to survive.

The harem is treacherous, and I'm worried about her, but fortunately, a lot of people were inserted in the early years, and they could help somewhat.

It's just that I didn't expect that after the difficult three months, I would usher in an even more difficult period of time......