The choice of this book to be published at this time has a special meaning. Three years ago at this time, I was suffering from bipolar disorder and was seriously ill without realizing it. After completing the last cover article "The Pursuit of Efficiency and People's Livelihood" with great perseverance, and struggling to compile several small drafts for the "Two Sessions" report, he finally collapsed on March 12, 2012, and began a half-year-long course of illness.

Three years have passed, and looking back at the pain at that time, it is like a lifetime. I once read a phrase to the effect that a sickness contains healing power in itself. This is especially true for psychiatric disorders. Now, I can confirm with some confidence that after more than two years of adjustment, I have climbed out of the lowest point in my life and rebuilt my physical, psychological and social relationship system.

Specifically, there are about a few changes.

(a)

The first is the improvement of physical fitness.

From the first day after I recovered, I started doing physical activity. In the past two and a half years, except for business trips to other places, there has been no interruption. Gradually, my physical strength is strong, my body is light, and I don't feel tired after walking more than ten kilometers of mountain roads; Not afraid of the cold, take a cold shower until mid-November, even if you have a cold, it will be good for a day. Not long ago, I had a physical examination, and all biochemical indicators were in the middle of normal values.

The benefits of physical activity are well known, but the problem is that it is difficult to stick to them. My experience is that at the beginning, you have to set a task and use perseverance to force yourself to complete it; Slowly, tasks become habits; In the end, the habit turned into enjoyment. By the third stage, there is no need to persevere.

Nowadays, exercise has become a daily part of my routine. If you don't move for a day, you seem to have lost something before going to bed, and you must make up for it to be practical. At night, exercising in the park, walking through the shadows of the trees, the wind is blowing in my ears, and the body is so light that it seems to disappear, and there is a feeling of floating against the wind.

(b)

The second is the improvement of brain power.

Generally speaking, mental illness can be more or less damaging to the brain, and I am mentally prepared for this. However, inexplicably, since May 2014, when I began to write the 8 articles in the series of "Popular Science Depression" and then the series of 8 articles in the series "New Narratives of Old Things", I vaguely felt that the writing was becoming more and more comfortable, the expression was becoming more and more accurate, the sensibility was becoming more and more sensitive, and the associative power was becoming more and more abundant. Then, by the second half of 2014, creativity (including photography) was blowing out, and an article would be written in two or three days, in a variety of genres, and the quality could be maintained at a high level.

At that stage, I was in a wonderful state. Inner emotions are surging, dizzying; The feeling of beauty can be found everywhere, and the gratitude for life follows. The whole person is in the middle of discovery. Like the light of the sunrise dispelling the darkness, inspiration flows in that moment.

I had doubts about whether this change was real. After repeated comparisons (I reread almost all the articles I had written before), I confirmed this fact.

So, how to explain it? Combined with what I have learned in the spiritual field, I have put forward three hypotheses: first, my brain power is so high, but I have been in a chronic course of illness for many years, and my wisdom has been obscured by illness, and now I am just returning to my original state;

Second, after the disease, the treatment process changes a certain structure and function of the brain, and this change, fortunately, in a good direction, stimulates and improves brain power;

Thirdly, I thought I was doing well, but I was actually in a bipolar hypomanic phase, which manifested itself as a temporary increase in brain power. Perhaps in the near future, we will fall into depression in the opposite direction.

Of all three, the first and the second are all good things. However, if it is the third option, the outlook is worrying. There was a time when I felt a sense of urgency out of concern about the third situation. It's about seizing this good time and writing hard. Otherwise, I don't know which day, the state will fall back.

During the Spring Festival of 2015, when I paid a New Year's greeting to Dr. Jiang Tao, I recounted my three hypotheses to him. Jiang Tao said: "Your three-point summary is possible, but the manic state generally does not produce creativity and productivity, and there will be an increase in efficiency in the short term, but the consequences are not good." So the result of a long investigation is that you have nothing to do with mania. ”

As for the reason, Jiang Tao said: "This should be your own huge potential, through the recovery of the disease to release a lot of potential, this is also a lot of examples here for me, it is not a miracle." That is, what Chinese medicine says may be that some tendons or meridians are opened up during the disease period and recovery treatment, and people become smart all of a sudden. ”

However, Jiang Tao said, this will not happen often, because, "first of all, he must have accumulated precipitation or reserve enough potential." ”

This explanation made me feel relieved and no longer worry about being hypomanic.

(c)

In addition to the improvement of brain power, there are also changes in memory. This is in two directions: short-term memory decline; Long-term memory enhancement.

Nowadays, I almost forget the things in front of me, especially the numbers, the names of people, and the names of places. I couldn't believe my memories of the moment, and I had to write them down on paper to be relieved.

Dr. Jiang Tao's explanation for this is: "The cerebral cortex is active and unstable, and the engraved marks are relatively shallow, and the form cannot form a deep memory. ”

As for the improvement in long-term memory, it may be more difficult to explain.

Not long ago, my college classmates started a group. One day, when reminiscing, I mentioned that 32 years ago, the students had run a publication "Nanda Chinese". As I spoke, the yellowed, coarsely mimeographed journal suddenly popped into my mind; I immediately reported which articles were written by several students, and even repeated the first few sentences of the article; Then I remembered that I went with a classmate to interview a certain teacher; The teacher lived in a tube building, and as we walked through the narrow, crowded corridor, there was a shirtless man cooking in the dark, using a kerosene stove, and the smell of kerosene came to my nose......

I'm creepy. I really didn't know I had these things in my head. From this, I deduce that memory is very powerful, and many things we think we forget are actually just hiding somewhere in the brain, and at any point, it will be excavated and surfaced......

(iv)

But all of the above is just a superficial argument.

Compared with physiological, the most profound should be the changes in the spiritual world. Today, I can say from the bottom of my heart that mental illness, including depression, bipolar, etc., is positive. It allows you to stop moving fast, take stock of your life, re-examine yourself, discover yourself, and face the world with more confidence.

Why? I realized that the human spiritual world has a hard shell. Whether it is others or yourself, it is difficult to go deep into your own spiritual world, let alone change? Imperceptibly, a complete process of mental illness healing may break this hard shell, so that the brain function from imbalance to balance, and accordingly, the mental structure will also change; The reshaping of the mental structure can form benign and positive emotions, will, cognition, and thinking patterns, so that the psychological state can be changed.

From a practical point of view, a person will temporarily lose a lot of social functions during the course of the disease, but the brain never stops thinking. Now that you have fallen into the lowest point in your life, you don't have to whitewash and exaggerate, but you can face your heart, dissect yourself with a scalpel, and sort out the gains and losses of people's life and failure.

In this world, the most negative emotion is fear. So one of Roosevelt's "Four Freedoms" is "freedom from fear." And the reason for fear is the fear that you are not strong enough. In fact, both the strong and the weak are relative; There is no end to the pursuit of external strength, and the only thing that can be done is inner strength.

Everyone has a wall in their heart, and at the same time there is a door. This wall is narcissistic, fearful, closed, separating oneself from the truth, unable to see the real existence of the world, unable to see its own greater power. Only by tearing down this wall, or opening this door to the outside of the wall, allowing the outside light to shine in, or lighting the light in your heart, can you see your heart clearly and let the truth come naturally.

Sometimes, I even think that depression or bipolar is actually an opportunity for the integration of mental strength. It's about stopping the original steps, watching and reorganizing. In two and a half years, I experienced the second growth in my life. It's like withdrawing from yourself, facing yourself from a high place, looking down at the front and back, left and right, the past and the future.

I think that's true for everyone. If you can see yourself clearly, you can face the world with more confidence and calm, and become truly strong. - You will be fearless.

For two and a half years, I haven't stopped rediscovering myself. After finishing this article, my reflection is almost complete. People spend their entire lives without ending the eternal pursuit of life, and it is not too late for me to realize this when I am rushing to the year of knowing the destiny of heaven. ——Zi said: Chaowen said, you can die at night.

Today is May 6, 2015, which is the beginning of summer in the 24 solar terms. "Dou refers to the southeast, Wei is the beginning of summer, and everything has grown up so far", the beginning of summer means that spring has gone, the heat is coming, and everything is luxuriant. The season of life has arrived.

At this point, it is late at night. Outside the window, the heat flows like a dream, and it soaks the eyes and hearts of human beings. I have written, and I am relieved, that a past in my life has slipped into the depths of my life. Great ups and downs, great joys and sorrows; In a remote and remote quiet place, you may be able to find beautiful memories of the old days, that kind of strong emotions and contradictions, familiar fantasies, familiar sorrows......

Let's be grateful and cherish life.

I would like to pay tribute to the doctors who have compassion and help patients to see the light of day again.

Hats off to the victors who were tortured and escaped alive;

Greetings to those who are suffering, but grit their teeth and do not give up;

I would like to pay tribute to the families who have suffered as much as their loved ones and have struggled on the road to treatment.

Good night.

Zhang Jin on the night of May 6, 2015