This chapter should be a chapter testimonial from any point of view, but after I finished writing it, it occurred to me whether to change it back to the VIP chapter.

Because this chapter is the best chapter I have written in the past month, the most passionate, the most genuine, and the most touching chapter for myself.

It is also the only chapter that has no outline, no detailed outline, no transition task that connects the previous and the next, no relaxation and relaxation, no inner self-blame voice supervision, no fierce inner entanglement, and it is completely natural, the pen is full of spirit, and it reminds me of the chapter that "the article is natural, and the magic hand gets it".

I think it's worth a dime more than all the toothpaste you've squeezed out hesitantly over the past month.

···

From now on, these texts will be emitted when needed.

The reason why I have to time is to give myself a thought, maybe I will change my mind in the last time. After all, in the past month, I have had to change my state of mind every two days on average, sometimes stable and sometimes restless - intermittent complacency and constant distraction, changing each other.

If I had changed my mind, all the words would not have been sent out now.

If you can read this testimonial, then it means that I really gave up.

···

I'm not really good at writing.

I just want to create a popular entertainment piece and try to prove myself.

But I couldn't draw comics, I couldn't make movies, I couldn't make games, so I had to write, and I tried to write for magazines before writing online articles.

I am not a professional writer, and I am not short of writing fees. There is a desire to talk, not too much, but most of the time it is enough.

More than half a year ago, after my "Little Priest in Containing the Strangeness of Divinity" was serialized for hundreds of thousands of words, my family saw me so uncomfortable and painful, so anxious every day, and had insomnia from time to time, chest pain, and they had been silently caring for me. In the end, although I found some not-so-good things - such as in November, when I kicked the vase in anger (and later swept up the dirt) and smashed someone's car (using a plastic can, I apologized for the damage), but I finally finished writing.

After the serialization was completed, I thought I had learned enough experience to start preparing for the next book - writing the outline, breaking down the plot, and I started watching movies for the first time when I hardly watched movies, dismantling the contradictions in the movies and every purpose/obstacle/turn/accident, and learning from those who can really tell stories.

At that time, my family saw that I was still preparing my next book. My dad said to me:

"If your next book is still as painful as it is now, I won't let you write it.

"Promise me to write happily!"

I looked at all the materials prepared in the document, and all the knowledge and skills I had learned during this time flashed back to my mind, and my mind was full of infinite fantasies about the future story, and I confidently agreed.

I say:

"I'm going to pick a light-hearted theme for my next book.

"I'll be happy writing!"

Later, I broke my promise.

············

I can probably remember that the real bad state started around March 25th and 26th (when there were about 50,000 manuscripts in reserve), and all of a sudden, the high sentiment after the recommendation hit rock bottom.

I don't know why, but I'm really unwilling, and from that time on, I was able to write words after a fierce psychological struggle almost every day. It just so happens that there are a bunch of in reality during this time, and I won't talk about it because it involves private individuals.

I tried my best every day to avoid the task of writing, I didn't want to open that WPS document, I didn't want to read it when I opened it, I always forced myself over and over again to read that document.

I created all kinds of emotions for myself, to pound the wall to vent, to smash the bushes, to sleep at night to insomnia, so that I could escape this task and ask for forgiveness in front of that "overseer" who was always watching me in his mind and supervising me with absolute rational thoughts.

The WPS documents piled up together, named "Lord Lord is Undercover", "Lord Lord is Undercover Setting", "Lord Lord is Undercover Outline and Unused Plot" made me sick, and all my emotions and careful thoughts were to avoid them.

It's so uncomfortable, so painful, and the most disgusting, painful, incomprehensible, and self-blaming thing for me is that it doesn't take long to really get into the state of writing, and it's not difficult, and I can write two chapters and 4,000 words a day in about two or three hours. The really difficult thing is that I can't get into the state for a long time and can't write the first word. I can't catch the emotional state of what I wrote yesterday, I can't get into a witty and happy state when I write a witty plot, I can't get myself excited when I need an orgasm.

A whim fantasy is different from a real writing task, and the climaxes and highlights in the mind need to be implemented on paper but the logic and cohesion must be considered. The momentary excitement and inspiration were finally smoothed out by the day-to-day updates of mobile games clocking in and clocking in, and the step-by-step writing of completing tasks according to the outline.

Even if there was a moment of inspiration for me, when I thought that it might take a long, long time before I could write about this episode, the brief excitement eventually fell silent.

When I finally wrote about the excitement I had imagined according to the outline, I found that I had long forgotten the emotional state of the original inspiration, and I couldn't get into it at all, find the emotions I needed and wanted, and the fleeting inspiration drowned in the long pages and daily tasks.

During this time, my friends and family in the book friend group have been comforting me and reassuring me.

One day, my father came to see me, and my family made a sign for me, which read "Interest, Gentleman is not a weapon".

But every day I survived, I had to face the same task on the second day.

I don't know when those days will come to an end.

Compared to "The Little Priest", the outline I wrote for this book is too long and too long, and it is not at all possible to finish in a month or two.

What may be simple for others is just not something for me. I have emotional problems when I am stressed, I have torn up dozens of papers since I was a child, I went to see the psychology teacher several times a week before the college entrance examination, and tore up the admission ticket the day before the sixth-grade exam. Others can update fifteen thousand a day for a year, but I can't do it.

I don't even know what I'm holding on, is it because of the voice that reminds me over and over again in my ear that "it's easy to just spend more than two hours a day renewing"? Is it because everyone says that "eunuchs are not good", afraid of eunuchs, afraid of the slightest fear of being hated?

Why!

Why can't you break it?

I'm so angry!

What the hell am I writing for?

Because of this fear, I am going to make a mess of myself, fall into self-struggle every day, torture myself every day, and even make my family feel uncomfortable with me all the time?

It shouldn't be!

All right.

I gave up.

The disaster is over.

——

This article was written on April 19, 2023, and some of the expressions may not be quite in line with the current situation. Originally, it was scheduled to be sent the next day, but the next day, I suddenly changed my mind and thought that I might still be able to write, so I hurriedly took back the article that was sent on a regular basis.

This kind of psychological confrontation lasted for a long time, and I hesitated and entangled repeatedly, and finally posted this article today. Two days ago, my family used my QQ number to say a few words to the editor, and the editor said that it didn't matter.

I'm a little calmer now than I was when I wrote this article. A few key points:

The uncomfortable part is usually not the writing itself, but the fact that it has been holding the task in the way. Always thinking about updating today. The characters in the story need a goal, but in reality, I am anxious about it. I guess I'm the kind of person who would give up on myself because of the anxiety of the three-year covenant.

Writing and writing always feel that the rhythm is not quite right, and can not be controlled, sometimes there is only a short content in the outline, but when you actually write, there is a long list. I haven't been able to advance the plot for a long time.,It's very uncomfortable.,It's like it's stuck there.,I don't know if the added content is necessary or nonsense.。 It's as if now, according to the outline, I thought that a few chapters ago the "talker" would have caught Siefer, but it turned out that it has not been written yet. The title has been thought of, it is called "The Military Thought of the Serpent General".

In terms of subject matter, there is indeed a whimsical component. The only rebirth text I've read is Futu's "The Caster of X", although I have only read hundreds of thousands of words, and the book may not be as good as mine now, of course, the website is different and cannot be compared; The only fourth natural disaster text I've seen is the game "World Tree", and I've watched about 300,000 of them.

Compared to the previous book, the initial outline of this story is too long, so there is no motivation to write it at a glance.

Unlike when I wrote my first book, I can now evaluate the appeal of my work. I think it's really hard for me to write interestingly by writing by feeling, and only by putting a lot of effort into a well-designed plot can I achieve the standard I want. Sometimes I know that a certain plot should add a little twist and turn, but I don't know how to add it. When I see someone else's plot, it's frustrating.

When I started writing, I was full of enthusiasm, but the more I went back, the more uncomfortable I became, and the more disgusting I became, as if I had no credibility and had to force friction for a long time. After almost 3 months of continuous writing, I began to feel resistance.

I feel that it is still too difficult for me to serialize the online article every day. Maybe not touch it in the future. There are a lot of ideas, but there is really no ability to serialize millions of words. Maybe I'll write it on the whole point and send it again after writing it that isn't so long?

This book will be updated with fate.

(End of chapter)