After separating from Few, Elizabeth came to New York alone, and although she missed the few good foods, she was forced to start her internship at a private equity firm in New York under the pressure of life.

Now, Elizabeth has two phone numbers in her hand, one for the East and one for the West. The West End is where the rich live, and it will definitely be expensive. The town where Elizabeth studied was expensive enough, and Elizabeth didn't want to pay twice the price, but the price was higher, perhaps more skillful, and more attentive. Anyway, Elizabeth should try the West End first. Elizabeth dialed, and they asked the old question: When was the last time? Elizabeth answered the question. They said it would cost $700. "Let me think about it first," said Elizabeth.

Elizabeth dialed the second number, answered the same question again, and inquired about the price, "About $400." The woman who answered the phone said. It's not too bizarre.

"I want to make an appointment, when can I go?"

"You can't put it off any longer, you've been putting it off for too long. Come tomorrow, 11 a.m. Tomorrow is May 17th, and we'll see what to do. ”

Elizabeth got up early in the morning to take the subway to the clinic, and it was rush hour, when the elevator in the subway station was crowded with people rushing to work. It's ridiculous that people are running around like this, why do they want to go from east to west or from west to east? It seems that everyone is rushing to the other end of the house to go to work, isn't it good for everyone to go to work nearby? How much trouble can be saved.

The carriage was also packed, and there were no seats, so Elizabeth had to stand. The clinic told her not to eat the first night, and Elizabeth felt dizzy and had an earthy smell in her mouth. On the seat in front of him were two women with straight faces, well-dressed and powdered. It must be a Korean woman, Elizabeth thought, only a Korean woman would make this flat face white, like a pumpkin with heavy frost. "I wish they had gotten out of the car early so I could sit down. My head was dizzy again, and I wanted to throw up. I don't want to faint in the carriage, think about it, how shameful it is for so many people to watch. They will definitely call the police, and I went to the hospital before I went to the clinic" Elizabeth saw a dark curtain in front of her eyes, a quarter, a half, a quarter remaining, completely dark......

"Miss, sit down, Miss, sit down." Elizabeth heard a voice say it several times. Elizabeth fumbled to sit down, and the dark curtain in front of her disappeared immediately. There was an old lady standing beside her, with both concern and indifference in her eyes. It's a big city, and people don't gossip. Elizabeth must have lost consciousness, the two Korean women in the seat just now had already gotten off the car, and Elizabeth was now sitting in Elizabeth's seat, but Elizabeth didn't know when the car had stopped.

Elizabeth found the house on the corner of one of the most famous streets in the big city. New York often reminds Elizabeth of Shanghai, with its bejeweled commercial avenues next to dirty and narrow streets, the same gray high-rise buildings, and the same puddles of dirty water on the ground. A woman in front of the clinic was handing out a booklet, and she wanted to stuff a copy in Elizabeth's hand, and Elizabeth caught a glimpse of the embryo on the booklet. It must be some kind of fanatical religious element, hysterical member of the "opposition", with a haggard face, it seems that he has given birth to more than a dozen in this life, has he not given birth to enough?

The nurse took a large stack of forms for Elizabeth to fill out, and Elizabeth was already familiar with the questions. Age: 24; Last menstrual holiday: February 14. It's Valentine's Day. Elizabeth remembers very well that they were so happy that they had a ball in the graduate student dormitory until 4 a.m. As they left, the tall, skinny French boy ran to say "Happy Valentine's Day!" Let Elizabeth's friends "kiss Elizabeth for me." "I also like your long hair," he said. Lovely person, he follows a beautiful girl with long blond hair all day long, eats together, washes clothes together, and goes to the library together, almost never leaving. But on Valentine's Day that day, the girl's official boyfriend came, and he had to place an order and wander around the ball with a blank face, like a ghost. Elizabeth felt infinite sympathy for him that day, but she did not expect that the day would be associated with the greatest disaster of Elizabeth's own life.

"Who should be notified in case of an emergency?" Elizabeth hesitated, not knowing whether to leave Kalaw's phone number and address. If anything, by the time he arrived, I would have been dead, Elizabeth thought. But who else? Elizabeth didn't know anyone in the city, and Elizabeth didn't want any other friends to know about Elizabeth. Those gossip. The two of them were always together, but no one else knew what was going on.

"What precautions have you taken? Please tick. "What steps did they take? Nothing. He said it was like a boot tickle. Elizabeth wanted to buy some medicine in the store, but she didn't see a display on the counter, and she was too embarrassed to ask, not knowing that she needed a doctor's prescription. When she was at home, this kind of medicine was placed in the most conspicuous place at the entrance of the pharmacy, and the people who returned home said that it was very expensive abroad, and even suggested that Elizabeth buy some and take it out. But at that time, Elizabeth still had an appointment with a boyfriend, so it was impossible to prepare first. Kalou should know that he had lived abroad for several years and was married, but he only suggested buying a thermometer. Elizabeth took her temperature every day, but it was clear that this was not working.

Elizabeth understood what was going on when she first felt sick, and the uncomfortable feeling that followed never left Elizabeth again. For more than two months, Elizabeth lived in complete hell: perpetually dizzy, nauseous all the time, vomiting what she ate, constant stomach cramps. Elizabeth lost interest in everything around her. How could Elizabeth be interested? She was literally buried alive in the grave. But Elizabeth actually struggled to complete the three courses she had taken that semester and got good grades. Elizabeth went to class every day, extremely tired of the incessant talk of her classmates, and just looked forward to getting out of class early. As she walked along the road, Elizabeth could not see the smiling faces of the people passing by, could not hear their laughter, as if she were a ball of broken cotton, floating in a pile of black clouds. Elizabeth was also afraid to lie in bed, even though Elizabeth was in bed most of the time. Elizabeth was restless and hated love. There is already one thing parasitic in the body for no reason, and another thing has to be squeezed in from time to time, which is really unbearable. Elizabeth's reluctance left Kalou very upset. Elizabeth sat in front of the window for hours on end, looking out the window, at the clouds in the sky, without saying a word, and could not think of anything to say. Kalou tried to make Elizabeth happy, but to no avail. One day Elizabeth finally heard him mutter, "I've had enough." "Elizabeth didn't understand why Kalou didn't understand how she was so sick and how she could have any interest in it." I want you to taste it too," Elizabeth told him several times.

He was very angry: "What are you doing so badly, hoping that I will be sick too?" ”

"That's when you know how hard I am." Elizabeth said.

Elizabeth never thought of keeping the child, she had no feelings for it, she only felt that it was a disease, a tumor, and it would have to be removed sooner or later. Other women may feel reluctant to give up, but Elizabeth can't afford the luxury. Elizabeth made the decision without even thinking about it, Elizabeth knew that there was a drug, which was banned in the United States, but was easily available at home. Carlaw wrote a letter home to his sister, who was a doctor, and within a few days received a package from her sister, with a note containing instructions for medication and a mention of possible dangers: "If you have sudden and heavy bleeding, you should be taken to the hospital immediately." Neither of them thought much of it. Elizabeth didn't know how Kalou explained to her sister why he needed the medicine, and she didn't care. Both were glad that this terrible situation was coming to an end soon. Elizabeth took the medicine as instructed, feeling somewhat uneasy. There was some blood, and Elizabeth thought this was probably it.

As a result, Elizabeth's situation got worse and worse. Except for forcing herself to drink a bowl of broken rice porridge every morning, Elizabeth no longer eats anything. The food in the dormitory cafeteria disgusted Elizabeth, who hated the bloody beef and the chicken nuggets soaked in cheese and ketchup. The vegetables were either raw or cold or boiled yellow, and the brown grains of American rice often choked in Elizabeth's throat and refused to go down. Elizabeth was so hungry every day that she couldn't sleep at night, so Elizabeth would think about her grandmother's delicious meals at home with her eyes wide open, and in Elizabeth's memory, even the most ordinary cauldron dishes in the university cafeteria became delicious. Elizabeth wanted a bowl of fluffy white glutinous rice, covered with shredded pork and stir-fried, though she was a little skeptical that she could actually eat it. Elizabeth became inhuman, thin as a ghost. Elizabeth also became very crying, and when she cried, she fell into darkness and did not know where she was. Elizabeth began to be afraid, fearing that the torture would eventually kill her. Kalaw urged Elizabeth to see a doctor, but Elizabeth refused to go. What's the use of just going to the "doctor"? Now Elizabeth knew what was wrong, and so did Kalaw, but neither dared to think about it.

"Lily, Lily", Elizabeth heard the nurse call several times before realizing she was calling herself. Elizabeth casually gave herself a name when she filled out the form, and a woman who casually embarrassed herself should not be called Elizabeth's original name of ice and jade. At first, Elizabeth didn't expect this to be the case. It was China's Chinese New Year's Eve, everyone went to the party, Kalou and Elizabeth because they were new to the city, they didn't know anyone, they didn't go to join in the fun, they went out and bought a bottle of wine to drink in Kalaw's room, and Elizabeth didn't go back to her room that night. Kalaw has a French wife named Tishina, Elizabeth has known for a long time, they have been married for several years, and his wife has just had a child, and Carlaw not long ago took an ultrasound photo to show off in front of Elizabeth, which was black and could not be seen.

What Elizabeth never understood was why Kalou often asked Elizabeth if she loved him, and Elizabeth didn't know how to answer. Love must assume a common future, and if there is no future, why assume love? That Chinese New Year's Eve Kalou solemnly declared that he "would not hurt Tishna", although Elizabeth had not thought of the issue of "hurting" at all, and Elizabeth was just bored that night and was embarrassed to push away. Elizabeth did not doubt Kalaw's sincerity, and even believed that he did love her, but was often surprised that Kalou never cared if he would hurt Elizabeth if he really loved him as he wished. He called Tishna in front of Elizabeth, calling her dear darling, and he never forgot to show Elizabeth the pictures she sent, even though the ultrasonic photos seemed to Elizabeth to be just a big black hole. He said that he likes children, and he will have five children in the future, and when he sees a big car made in the United States, he said that he will also get a big car in the future, so that he can fit a large family. One day when Kalou was talking energetically, Elizabeth blurted out, "Your child killed my child." After saying that, I was stunned. After a long pause, he finally asked, "Do you really think my child killed your child?" Whenever there was such a time, Elizabeth began to assume what a really loving and demented woman would say, for example, and she might ask desolate and sadly, "Is my child not your child?" Of course, Elizabeth in reality didn't bother to ask.

That night Kalou asked Elizabeth again, "I love you very much, if I had not been married, would you have married me?" Elizabeth said, "I won't marry you, I'll go back and marry my boyfriend David." Kalaw's face turned white with anger: "So you just used me as his stand-in?" ”

"Didn't you also use me as a stand-in for Tishna?" Elizabeth said. In fact, during the day, Elizabeth received a letter from her friend Xiaohua, saying that she had something to tell Elizabeth. said that when Elizabeth was still in China last year, Xiaohua met David at the back door of the school at 11 o'clock one night, David invited her to drink, and the two came back at more than 1 o'clock, and David said that he wanted to sleep with her. Xiaohua said that David was not a good man and should beware of him.

Elizabeth is by her side, David also went to recruit his girlfriend, which really made Elizabeth feel embarrassed, the reason why Xiaohua told Elizabeth is probably because David just wants to go to bed and refuses to fall in love, otherwise he will drink in the middle of the night. It's all a bunch of bastards.

The clinic counsellor was a girl, who looked younger than Elizabeth, probably only twenty-one or two, probably an intern at school. The girl used some body organ models to explain the specific operation process, and Elizabeth watched indifferently as her hands moved the model up and down, and she didn't know how to describe many body parts in English, and she was confused. Elizabeth thought this explanation was simply stupid. Is there any need to tell me? No matter what you do, I'm going to have to get through this, so why bother saying so much to scare me. The girl asked Elizabeth if she had any friends in New York, and Elizabeth said no. The girl asks Elizabeth if she wants to think about it again, and Elizabeth says no, Elizabeth is just a student and has no money to support a child.

"Does he know?" The girl asked Elizabeth. Elizabeth said she didn't know.

"Isn't he in New York?"

"He's in France."

"When will you be back?"

"He's not coming back."

This is really the plot of a typical tragic story: the hero finally returns to his wife, leaving Elizabeth alone in this strange big city. Fiction writers will write it in a poignant and dramatic way. Elizabeth read a Mansfield novel "The Mouse" (or "Do You Speak French?") a long time ago. tells a similar story, and it's not even so tragic. The problem is that Elizabeth can only imagine, and she can't get into the role of herself, Elizabeth is indifferently and mechanically doing what Elizabeth should do, just hoping that it will end soon, and that she will walk in the bright sun in good health, and then Elizabeth will feel extremely happy and extremely happy.

In any case, fate was still fairer to Elizabeth, so that Elizabeth had loved her once earlier in the years of abundance and idleness, and not so that Elizabeth would not want to live this time when she really couldn't live. Elizabeth heard the doctor doing the ultrasound sigh softly, wondering what was in his mind, maybe he was seeing a formed person?

"Who's going to accompany you tomorrow?" The nurse at the front desk asked Elizabeth.

"Why are you coming tomorrow?" Elizabeth was amazed and thought that the problem would be solved that day.

"You've been delaying for so long that we're going to do it in two parts. Today we will put a few special little sticks in your body, they will have a dilating effect, and tomorrow we will officially operate. The nurse said.

Elizabeth was silent.

"Who's going to accompany you tomorrow?" The nurse asked again.

"I don't need anyone to accompany me."

"That's not good, you have to be accompanied, and you have to have someone to accompany you home when you wake up after general anesthesia."

"I don't want general anesthesia." Americans are really intolerant of pain, and in China local anesthesia has not been heard of, Elizabeth thought.

"It's going to hurt, you can't bear it."

"I'm not afraid of pain." Elizabeth said.

The clinic was already empty, and the rest were probably coming back the next day like Elizabeth, a couple of fat black men, a Caucasian woman with short hair and a thin face, and a beautiful South American girl, very pretty, but with a sad face. Maybe I should cry a lot? Thinking about it, tears really poured out like a faucet, and flowed all over her face, Elizabeth covered her face with her hands, and the tears squeezed out of her fingers, and dripped onto her shirt, and her chest was soon wet. Elizabeth thought that the men might all be looking at Elizabeth with curiosity, and did not dare to look up at the others.

In the afternoon, the subway was empty, and Elizabeth sat dumbfounded, her eyes falling on the advertisement in front of her: "I just went to a party that night, and I didn't expect them to have bad intentions." Thankfully, I took my medication on time every day......"

Elizabeth's temporary rented room consisted of only a few simple pieces of furniture, and lying on the bed, she heard the constant wind chimes on the balcony, remembering that she had been with Kalou two days ago, and the wind chimes were also constantly ringing. That night Carlaw was a discontented lover, as if he was going to expend all his passion on Elizabeth before parting, Elizabeth was still as uncomfortable as usual, but the thought that he was leaving, maybe he would never see each other again in this life, and he had to sacrifice his life to accompany him. He fell asleep, Elizabeth opened her eyes in the dark, listened to the wind chimes outside the window, listened to his breathing beside her, thought of the college town, thought of the campus, the snow-covered tennis courts, the orange lights, the blue sky, the purple tulips everywhere. Remembering that when he returned to the dormitory after class, he always stood in front of the window waiting for Elizabeth, whistling and waving to Elizabeth. I remembered that when they were walking down the path at dusk, Elizabeth patted him with her wide sleeves as she went, and heard the church bells in the distance. Elizabeth turned to hug him tightly, and he patted Elizabeth's hand in his sleep.

Woke up in the morning and was busy packing his bags. "Do you want to come back?" Elizabeth asked knowingly.

"Not coming back. Tishina is going to have a baby and needs someone to take care of her. ”

"What about me?" Elizabeth wanted to ask. In fact, it was only at that moment that Elizabeth thought about it. He had asked Elizabeth many hypothetical questions, but Elizabeth had never asked him anything. Not out of self-love and self-esteem, but not at all and without thinking about it.

He suddenly remembered to call Tishina, saying that he was going home soon. Hearing him call Tishna "baby", Elizabeth seemed to feel that he couldn't wait to go home. He always said that Elizabeth treated him with cynicism, but Elizabeth thought that if it weren't for this indifference, Elizabeth would never forget this moment.

Elizabeth only occasionally imagined how heartbroken her character would be in a romance novel, but never imagined how he felt. Elizabeth, if she was writing a novel, would not be imaginative, and she would not be an omnipresent narrator. But if Elizabeth had to write about him, how would Elizabeth write it? Write him as an amorous person, a negative person, a person who also has to earn a living and eat, a person who benefits the children of the family?

In the clinic, Elizabeth saw several women from the previous day, but there were more men around her, and Elizabeth was the only one. The skinny Caucasian woman was silent, the South American girl was still frowning, and several blacks were chatting loudly: "I don't want to, there are already too many children, he doesn't care at all." "He wouldn't use that thing, saying he was going to find another woman." "I wanted to keep the child, so I dragged it out for six months."

…… It hurts, like a tooth extraction, like loving love for the first time. Elizabeth looked at the ceiling and remembered how she had watched steers when she was very young, and for some reason remembered: the steers took a bandage to fix a certain part of the chicken, plucked the feathers three times and twice, cut the flesh and skin, dug and dug in it, and finally took out two golden balls, put away the bandages, let the chicken go, and the chicken flapped its wings twice, as if nothing had happened.

Elizabeth heard the sound of the utensils falling on the plate, and the nurse shook Elizabeth's hand: "All right." The doctor finally pressed his hands on Elizabeth's stomach and squeezed them, reminding her of the leather bags of water in the desert and wine in the grasslands.

The same few women in the observation room were complaining that the large anesthetized cover had just put on their faces and that Elizabeth was still out of breath. The nurse is five big and three thick, but she has a small braid, and she can't tell if it's a man or a woman when she hears the voice. The huge black woman stood in the doorway, bright red blood running down Elizabeth's legs, dripping onto the floor. Looking down at the blood, the black woman was frightened and stupefied, howling dryly, but there was no sound. "The doctor told you to go back and wait, and come back tomorrow, 6 months pregnant, too big to come out." The nurse told her, but she didn't respond, still howling. The Caucasian woman had hysterical seizures, shouting loudly that she was going to suffocate if she stayed inside, that she had to go home, that she was going to get out right away, that she was almost going to hit the nurse.

There may have been a rain in the morning, the ground was still a little damp, and the sun had come out. The South American girl changed into a rainbow-colored T-shirt and looked radiant, and the tall boy next to her was just as eye-catching as she was. The girl got into the boy's motorcycle, beckoned to Elizabeth, and disappeared in a blink of an eye.

"It's good to be alive," Elizabeth thought.