Wang Ge:

See the letter as well.

By the time you read this letter, I should have taken up residence in a strange city.

Maybe you've already found out that I didn't take the college entrance exam.

Don't worry about me, don't go to me, I'm fine, I've never had a better time.

You've finished your math exam, so it's supposed to be time for us to meet in the library every night.

Although I think there is a high probability that I will come back to you, no one can say what will happen in the future.

In that case, let's take this letter as if we were seeing each other for the last time.

I told you a long time ago that I won't agree to your confession because I have something more important to pursue.

As you might have guessed, this more important thing is freedom.

It's not a spur of the moment I made, it's something I planned a long time ago.

I have been working towards this goal for a long time, and freedom has almost become my obsession.

I have to go.

With you being so smart, you should have thought that there would be such a day, right?

Well, just after writing these few words, those memories of me and you have begun to emerge in my mind, colliding back and forth, lingering.

I'm already starting to give up.

After recalling it carefully, I found that most of the relationships between us were about you talking and I was listening.

I love listening to you and listening to you share some very trivial things with me, which is very warm and funny.

I didn't have any friends when I was a child, and no one listened to anything I said at home, so I gradually lost the desire to express myself.

If we really got together, I would be a very boring girlfriend, right?

- I wanted to write more about my feelings for you, in order to prove that I really like you, but after thinking about it carefully, since I have parted, no matter how much I say, it is just a mirror and a regret.

I have told you before that I can say it, and if you think about it, the only thing I can say to you in the letter is 'sorry'.

Sorry, Wang Ge.

I've been listening to you before, and since this is the last time we'll see each other, let's listen to me instead.

You should have a rough idea of what is going on in my family, so I won't talk about it anymore.

I'm just going to express my inner feelings to you – or you can just take it as a confiding or complaining.

I'm in pain, Wang Ge.

It was not only the shackles brought to me by my family, but also the strong conflict between morality and ethics and my personal will.

I hated this family, I hated my incompetent and irritable mother, and I hated my silent and cowardly father.

But my upbringing told me that this kind of thinking is not right, and that they are the parents who gave birth to me and raised me, and I should be grateful to them.

So, I felt disgusted with my family and guilty at the same time.

The family full of constraints is tormenting me, and the guilt is eating away at me.

In the midst of intense pain, I made the decision I have now.

Namely: escape from the present life.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not running away from the problem, on the contrary, I'm running away to solve the problem better.

My idea is simple: since the morality I accept conflicts with my personal will, it means that it is wrong—at least not for me.

This is probably a bit too arrogant, but you know, Wang Ge, my thinking is always different from that of most people, and it is always a little strange.

It seems to me that perceptions may deceive me, but my feelings will not.

The suffocation, the oppression, the pain I felt, they were so real, deep in the marrow, they wouldn't lie to me.

There have been many ways to enslave others in the history of mankind.

shackles for acts of servitude; the prison of words, to enslave speech; Eight strands of scholars, used to enslave the mind.

But ah, Wang Ge, from ancient times to the present, five thousand years of civilization, there has never been any kind of slavery that can enslave our feelings.

The freedom of feeling is the deepest, the most self-contained, and the most inalienable freedom of every person.

My feelings will never lie to me until I have not become numb, pain is pain and it will never turn into joy.

So, I confirm that there is a certain error in my perception.

But I still feel guilty, I still suffer.

Because this concept has long been deeply rooted in my heart and thoughts, and has become a part of me.

Even my three views are based on this concept, and if I are to deny this concept now, wouldn't that directly deny my whole person?

After experiencing the initial pain and despair, I began to realize that my mind was being bound and enslaved by the ideas I had built up since I was a child.

Even if I am out of the control of my parents, the ideas I have formed over the years will not change, and this bondage will still exist, high above my thoughts.

Just like the prisoners who have been tortured, even if they are released from prison at the end of their sentences, the mark of shame engraved on their faces will not disappear and will accompany them for the rest of their lives.

After coming to this conclusion, I was even more miserable, and even had thoughts of suicide for a while.

I can't accept such a future, I can't stand being unfree.

But there are always two sides to everything.

At the same time, it also made me think more deeply about the grand proposition of freedom.

What exactly is freedom?

With so many shackles in the real world that cannot be shaken off, how can we achieve freedom?

What kind of freedom should I want?

……

In the process of reading and thinking for a long time, I got some answers.

But the road ahead is still bleak and foggy.

But it doesn't matter, I can take my time and try it.

Only after trying it will you know if it will work.

I'm still young and I have the opportunity for trial and error.

All human beings are born free, but they are invincible and in chains.

The material world has all kinds of bonds that cannot be broken, so I must at least achieve freedom in the spiritual world.

So, I'm going to try, reinvent myself.

Each of us came to this world naked, like a blank piece of paper, but with the passage of time, handwriting began to appear on the white paper, which is the imprint and influence of the external world precipitated on us.

Ideas are formed, and shackles emerge.

That's where the pain comes from.

That is, this blank piece of paper belongs to me, but it is not me who writes and paints on this blank paper.

This is unfreedom.

So, I'm going to reinvent myself.

Reshape my mind, my philosophy, my three views, and everything that doesn't belong to me, doesn't come from me.

Only in this way will it be possible for me to pursue that ethereal, unattainable freedom.

That's why I'm going to say goodbye – to do that, I have to be cut off from everything I used to be and move into a new life.

I don't know if the path I've chosen is the right one, but I'll never know if I don't try to go down.

Since the imprint engraved on my face cannot be washed away, I peel off my whole face.

Leaving behind all the shackles and imprints of my past life, my life can become a blank slate again.

At that time, Wang Ge, I will be able to write your name seriously on a blank piece of paper with a pen of reminiscence.

Please believe it.

I will be free, and we will meet again.

Above.

Chen Yanxi.

On the afternoon of June 6.