I came to Shanghai in the spring of the year after SARS, and to be honest, I never imagined that one day, I would also ride in a green iron car, as I often see on TV, crowded into the crowd of migrant workers with colorful green snakeskin bags, spread out a few newspapers, curled up under the seat, accompanied by the sound of steel crashing, and go to the unknown world.

After getting on the train, I looked back at the hometown that had raised me for twenty-three years, tears blurred my eyes again, my sister was still waving to me on the platform, I couldn't bear to look at her again, I just didn't look over, and looked at the platform a little bit back.

The carriage was crowded with people, and in addition to people in the aisle, there were large and small luggage, so I struggled to find a corner near the door, put a bag containing a few changes of clothes on the ground and sat down, and took out a piece of steamed bread in my pocket and stuffed it into my mouth.

I chewed on the hard-to-swallow dry steamed buns, and told myself fiercely: "Chen Xiaoxu, you must mix up your personal appearance outside!" ”

Lin Yan's shadow came to me again, she and I have been in love for five years, from the first year of junior college to graduation, we are inseparable, after graduation she entered a company as a clerk, and I have not gone out to work because of my father's illness.

On the second day of my father's burial, Lin Yan came to me in a man's car, the man's car was parked not far from my house, Lin Yan called me out of the door and told me that she didn't want to wait for me, she felt that she couldn't wait for the future, she wanted to live the life she wanted, and I couldn't give her all this.

I hadn't come out of the grief of my father's death yet, and as soon as she spoke, I felt black in front of my eyes and almost fell to the ground.

Lin Yan also saw my gaffe, and hurriedly asked me what was wrong, I waved my hand to prevent her from caring about me, reached out to hold a tree beside me, and forced my spirit to say to her, "Is that the person?" Is it he who can bring you the life you want? ”

Lin Yan followed my gaze and glanced over there, the man was smoking a cigarette and looking at me with contempt, like a beggar begging for food.

I'm sure I'll never forget the unstoppable look on this man's face, not too young, with a victor's smile, just a smile like a sword to my heart.

I strode over to the man standing there smoking a cigarette, dressed in a white tracksuit, wearing sunglasses, and a dazzling gold chain around his neck.

Lin Yan took a few steps behind her, grabbed my arm and said, "It's none of his business, what are you going to do?" ”

I shook off her hand, walked up to the man in three steps and two steps, and punched him in the face.

The man didn't expect me to make a sudden move, he spit out the bloody cigarette butt from his mouth and scolded, "You little rabbit, don't you want to die?" ”

As he spoke, he ran to me like a hungry tiger pounced, and raised his arm and hit me in the chest.

I didn't wait for his fist to get close, and with a kick in the stomach, he took several steps backwards, sat on the ground with his ass, and shouted, "Don't fucking come here, do you know who I am?" If you provoke Lao Tzu, you will die! ”

I rushed to him, grabbed his hair with my hand, slapped him in the face, and said fiercely: "Who the are you love, today Lao Tzu is going to kill you, who is looking for Hades!" ”

After saying that, I was about to swing my fist again, but Lin Yan ran over and hugged my arm tightly, and said angrily, "Xiaoxu, what are you doing?" Don't you look at what you look like? What qualifications do you have to be angry? What qualifications do you have to hit someone? Believe it or not, I'll call the police and arrest you? ”

I froze all of a sudden, this is the woman I have been in love with for five years, she used to be so obedient to me, we are together, she will always be the one who is a little bird, why all of a sudden, I don't know each other?

I let go of my hand, stood up straight and took a half step back, re-examining the woman in front of me, she was still so good-looking, although her face was angry, she was still beautiful, her three-dimensional features were a little distorted by anger, but all this still couldn't hide her beauty.

However, she has become so strange, and the strangeness is intimidating.

I calmed down and looked at the man who had climbed up, who had clearly developed a fear of me from within, and stepped back to the car, his eyes still fixed on me, afraid that I would be rough with him again.

I ignored this man, turned to Lin Yan and said:

"I can't give you a future, I can't give you the life you want, I can't give you anything, you can go."

Lin Yan didn't expect me to change suddenly, and looked at me a little incomprehensibly, I said, "Before I say what you don't want to hear, hurry up and leave my house!" ”

My sister was standing in the doorway, and I was gesturing to stop them from coming.

Lin Yan turned around and said cautiously, "Then I'll go." ”

I stood there calmly and ignored her.

I watched Lin Yan's figure go away, but I didn't feel a trace of relaxation, trying to keep myself calm, but my heart was dripping blood.

With Lin Yan for five years, she was almost all of me, but I didn't expect that with a gentle word, everything would be reduced to dust.

I thought we would get married, we would go to Baitou together, she was my first love, the only woman in my world.

I have thought more than once what would happen if there were other men around Lin Yan, I thought I would go crazy, I would beat people, and even sacrifice my life, but when she told me it was over, although I expressed my greatest anger, I didn't blame her for half a sentence, and I could let her leave calmly.

After many years, I recalled this scene, and I said to myself with a wry smile that it was Lin Yan who hit me the most painful place, so that I didn't have the courage to regain the love that belonged to me.

If it's really love, it's so vulnerable?

I changed my position to make myself sit more comfortably, and subconsciously touched my underwear pocket, and the hundreds of dollars in my pocket were secretly carried by my sister when I was carrying my luggage and preparing to leave the house.

The sudden death of my father made the already four-walled family even worse, and my mother took out more than ten pieces of ten and five yuan change from under the kang mat, and when she handed them to me, I was as heavy as holding a boulder.

The money for the burial of my father was the money of the villagers, and these were to be returned, and the one hundred and ten yuan in my mother's hand may be the family's food expenses for several months.

My sister works in the health center, and most of her salary of more than 100 points per month is paid to the family, but the private money saved by thrift is secretly given to me.

When it was time for my sister to talk about marriage, she should have bought herself a few beautiful clothes, fashionable shoes, and the Kun watch she had in mind, and when the money was stuffed into my pocket, all her good wishes were in vain.

After a long night's journey, the train finally stopped at Shanghai Station, I picked up my canvas bag, and followed the tide of people, with a look of trepidation, to this bustling and unfamiliar city.

"Accommodation, accommodation, fifty-one, fifty-one, deluxe standard room with TV, there is a hurry to live, the room is limited, there is no night!"

"Electronics factories recruit workers, and you can go to work with primary school education, and the salary is ......"

All kinds of shouts filled my eardrums, and some people even dragged my arm and asked me if I wanted to take a temporary rest and send a one-stop service of foot washing and massage.

I ignored them, walked a long way out of the square, saw that no one was pestering, found a public phone booth, took out a small notebook in my pocket, threw a coin and dialed the number on the notebook.

The number belongs to my cousin, who came to Shanghai before last, and my sister told me the number, saying that she came to call her cousin and asked her to find a way to find me a job.

The phone rang for a while before I heard my cousin's voice, who seemed to have just woken up from her sleep, and spoke in a heavy nasal voice: "Who? ”

I hurriedly said, "Second sister, it's me, Xiao Xu." ”

My cousin is a girl from my mother's distant sister's family, and she has long been out of five suits, but my cousin also married into our village, which is closer to our family, and she is like a sister, she is a few months older than me, and we grew up together since childhood, and we are childhood sweethearts.

My cousin's name is Zhang Li, and I keep calling her second sister at home.

"It's Xiao Xu, you've arrived? So early? ”

I thought to myself, it's almost noon, what kind of class are you on, you haven't gotten up yet.

I told her I had just left the station and asked her how to get in the car to find her.