The day of Chen Junping's 30th birthday happened to be the second day after he changed to his third job. Strange cities and strange people made him feel a little distance. So that afternoon, he didn't tell anyone, just walked along the road back after work. After seeing a café in the middle of nowhere, he crashed into it.

There are a lot of text messages on the phone. Insurance companies, banks, clothing stores that have had their own discount cards, and some are friends and former colleagues. It should all be jokes downloaded from the Internet, or there is a fixed format, and the words between the lines are either polite or exaggerated, revealing a bit of alienation and coldness. After Chen Junping swiped the screen with one hand and flipped through it casually, he put the phone aside and beckoned the waiter to ask for a cup of hot cocoa.

The store is small and decorated with a petty bourgeois atmosphere. The hanging table clings to the wall, and above it are several books of unknown authorship. There are very few customers in the shop, all very young couples, who occasionally get together and talk and laugh in low voices, but they all smile like flowers blooming in May. Occasionally, they raised their voices and said something innocent and clichéd, which was of little value to Chen Junping's ears.

30 years old seems to be a hurdle, nostalgic for the youthful enthusiasm of the 20-year-old, and sneering at the superficial and straightforward 20-year-old. Looking forward to the steady and introverted 40-year-old, I am afraid of the responsibility of the 40-year-old. Chen Junping sometimes doesn't understand why at such an age that others say is "just the right year", as long as he stops a little, he will feel a kind of fatigue. The tiredness that is covered up by the pressure of work is always with you, making the whole person start to become a little lazy and weak.

Ah Ling said that now he is becoming more and more passive and escaping. Every day, I think about it: all I have to do is find a warm nest and sleep in it.

Ah Ling is a close friend of Chen Junping. The colleague I met at my first job was a warm and frank person who could get along well with everyone. Chen Junping always slanders in his heart that girls with this kind of character will be easy to suffer in society, but he has to admit that that kind of straightforward and kind warmth, even he is sometimes very greedy.

For example, today, Ah Ling is the only person other than her parents who called her to send her blessings.

She is not like Chen Junping's parents, who talk over and over again why his marriage is still unsettled. For the current Chen Junping, the posture of his parents is no longer as high as it was more than ten years ago, but has become very low, so low that Chen Junping is a little breathless. Ah Ling's words are still like a naughty girl, laughing and scolding with a provocation that is not unbearable. Although she is now a mother, she still remembers to call Chen Junping when she finds time. This kind of human touch inexplicably made Chen Junping feel that he could forget about something else for the time being.

It's just that after talking nonsense for a long time, when she was about to hang up the phone, Ah Ling added:

"Ah Ping, you should come back often to get together with all of us."

Chen Junping's eyebrows didn't raise, but he said lightly perfunctorily: "Well, sometimes." ”

"Don't work too hard, it's better to relax once in a while. You don't know how happy it was for Sister Huang's child to be born yesterday, and everyone got together. and Lin Hao's family last month, a girl was added to his family. ”

Chen Junping felt that his heart was slightly numb, but his complexion remained unchanged, and he replied lightly:

"Oh......"

"Ah Ping," Ah Ling paused, and it was such a brief pause that made Chen Junping seem to understand something instantly: "I'm hanging." ”

Listening to the prompt sound of "doodoo ......" on his mobile phone, Chen Junping's heart was slightly blocked. What he may not have expected is that simple girls will also grow up, and will remind themselves in a subtle way: the best way to forget blank space is actually pain. At least after the pain, you will understand: some things are no longer worth waiting for, and it is no longer worth fantasizing.

What conditions can I afford to sit idly by?

Life is changing, and everyone is changing. I'm still willfully interpreting that elegant and outdated old movie, but I can't see that this has long since become a one-man show. And those facts that I close my eyes and don't want to face up to have long been integrated into the ordinary life that I disdain, full of laughter and scolding.

The encounter between Lin Hao and Chen Junping is not so surprising. The two of them joined a foreign-funded enterprise together after graduating from university, and the two got to know each other during the training. Chen Junping didn't have any special impression of Lin Hao at that time, but he remembered that he was a very good foreigner, an organized and rigorous person. In a group of young people, there is a unique and stable temperament. For the rest, I didn't think much about it. So much so that in the years to come, in the continuous recollection, the bits and pieces of the time when we first met have been recalled repeatedly, but it is much more vivid than the actual scene at that time.

If life is only as first seen, I'm afraid most of it just refers to the first meeting in this kind of memory, right?

It's just that at that time, in good conscience, Chen Junping didn't take Lin Hao very seriously. In fact, this is not surprising, just out of college, there is a state of mind that is above the top, and there are all kinds of unrealistic conjectures about the new job. When you are young and vigorous, how can you take a potential competitor in your eyes?

During the training, the work unit will definitely arrange some topics for discussion in order to inspect them. Lin Hao, as the team leader, needs to integrate everyone's opinions to make PPT or something, so he is naturally more tired. Since he himself did not refuse, a group of young people were happy to be a little more relaxed. It's just that after late at night that day, when Chen Junping came out to dry his clothes, he accidentally found that Lin Hao was still lying on the table in the conference room and was busy. He was also on a whim, so he soaked a bowl of noodles and sent it to Lin Hao.

After that, Lin Hao's eyes looked at him a little differently. Chen Junping didn't deliberately say anything. He didn't fall in love in college, and he didn't want to be bound by anything too early when he entered society. But he didn't want to refuse Lin Hao's overtures in secret.

Young people always have that little bit of vanity, hoping that they will be recognized and appreciated. Whether it's talent, or charisma. So after the two of them came and went politely a few times, Qiu Bo secretly sent a lot to each other, but no one pierced that layer of paper.

Of course, the fact that the two of them are playing Tai Chi does not mean that the people around them are all fools. The first to find out must have been their close friends. Lin Hao's circle of friends is quite large, and occasionally he will invite Chen Junping to attend his friends' gatherings under some pretexts. His unusual concern for Chen Junping naturally couldn't escape the eyes of a group of friends, so under the coaxing of everyone, maybe he was happy, Lin Hao actually lost his mouth with the strength of wine:

"This is my boyfriend."

Chen Junping's heart was also "chuckled" at that time, he glanced at Lin Hao with flickering eyes, but after Lin Hao's eager gaze for verification also looked at him, he hurriedly bent the corners of his mouth perfunctorily, and then lowered his head.

Lin Hao was the acquiescence of him, how could he guess that Chen Junping had other thoughts?

When he went back that night, Lin Hao secretly wanted to step forward to pull Chen Junping's hand, but Chen Junping quietly avoided him. Lin Hao thought he was embarrassed at first, but he knew that Chen Junping was going faster and faster, and he didn't say a word from beginning to end, and then he realized that something was wrong with the situation.

"Ah Ping......" He stood in place, looking at Chen Junping's back as he walked farther and farther, and shouted with some uncertainty.

Chen Junping stood still, and after a long time, he sighed in a low voice:

"You haven't even consulted with me," he added, after a pause, "Don't make such jokes next time." ”

Chen Junping's tone was plain and bland, but Lin Hao was blocked and speechless for a moment.

A man's passion doesn't always lead to the right decision. But some of the right decisions are made without this enthusiasm. Chen Junping self-righteously gave Lin Hao such a step, but that enthusiasm gradually faded.

Lin Hao's heart was a little lost, but he didn't say anything. He couldn't figure out Chen Junping's thoughts. Chen Junping's previous actions seemed to be in response, at least he didn't hate Lin Hao's overtures. However, when Lin Hao plucked up his courage, Chen Junping gave him another nail that was neither soft nor hard. This made him a little confused and a little anxious.

After thinking about it for a long time, he put his hand in his pocket and smiled faintly:

"Got it."

Some words, unspoken, are unspoken for a lifetime. In a word, a pair of hands, a hug distance, may eventually be unimaginably far.

Their relationship doesn't seem to have been affected by that night, and it's still the same. It's just that sentence, but it seems to be like a knot in life, which occasionally comes to mind and haunts in thoughts. Although, none of them wanted to mention it after that.

They still send long text messages to each other every night, each of them will hide under the covers and cook porridge on the phone for an hour, and you and I will invite each other to dinner when they get off work. They do similar things as couples, but they always don't even hold hands.

Lin Hao became more and more confused, but Chen Junping felt at ease. He is a person who likes to do what he wants, and when he is comfortable in any environment, he will not want to change. For Lin Hao's cooperation, and for his friends' constant teasing and matchmaking, he felt comfortable and felt interesting. But he didn't want to think about how long this would last, or what path he should take.

"You're still young," he always thought, "why bother yourself? ”

Freedom is a trap that life gives to many people. Later people had to spend more energy to take responsibility and make up for their mistakes. It is essentially because people are afraid of challenges and enjoy laziness, and they have to use a contrary statement to beautify their own unenterprising.

As long as you don't know Chen Junping deeply, you may think that Chen Junping is a man with a pretty good temper. He never gets angry easily, and his words are not very gentle and elegant. He is cheerful but not ostentatious, considerate and measured. Most of the time, he was like a quiet boy next door. However, after Lin Hao gradually infiltrated it, he found that there were countless spikes erecting in the heart of this young man next door.

It was the siege and armament he had built for his heart for 20 years to prevent the harm caused by the outside world.

So when I occasionally take off my guard, Chen Junping always makes Lin Hao feel a sense of pity. He knew that such an idea was ridiculous, but Lin Hao had to admit it: that was the existence of Chen Junping, which made the macho thoughts in his heart begin to grow like weeds.

That kind of reserve and coldness is like a peak, tempting him to climb. Lin Hao, who had already gone through a journey, didn't want to give up, he didn't want to stagger the beautiful scenery from the top of the mountain.

If there is also a so-called "honeymoon period" in this relationship, then the two years they were colleagues together did add a little warmth to this memorable day. Different from the fluctuating treatment of feelings, Chen Junping is an unusually committed and serious person at work. He and Lin Hao are very willing to endure hardships, and never refuse dirty work and tiring work. Sometimes when they encounter something difficult to tackle, the two will often discuss it together until late. At this time, Chen Junping will get rid of that ambiguous and flickering attitude, and become very difficult. As long as there is a slight disagreement about what he believes, he will fight on the basis of reason, and he is not willing to make concessions at all.

At this time, Lin Hao will compromise. Seeing Chen Junping, who had a childlike smile on his face because of the joy of victory. He will feel that any verbal victory will become meaningless. And his generosity will also infect Chen Junping in a short time. Lin Hao can also get some extra returns. For example, Chen Junping will invite him back to cook something for him to eat, or invite him to the court to have a discussion between the two of them or something.

Chen Junping's ball skills are very average, but Lin Hao's sports are very good, especially basketball. He used to be a regular on the school basketball team, and his explosiveness and bounce were top-notch. It can almost be said that he and Chen Junping are fighting bulls together, and he wants Chen Junping to score a few, so that Chen Junping can score a few, and the premise is that Chen Junping can throw in. But he didn't tell the other party about it, after all, after work, playing basketball is the right to fitness, and there is no need to make Chen Junping lose face in this regard.

During the love period, there is always one party who needs to make a certain degree of concession. Lin Hao loves carefully and step by step, allowing Chen Junping to enjoy that sense of superiority and dominance. It's just that the desire in love is different from the worldly feelings in life. Accustomed to the tolerance of one person, it also magnifies the flaws of the whole world.

So that stuffy stick came unexpectedly, but it was also very timely.

I have to say that Chen Junping is a person with a very good sixth sense. His defensiveness against the world stems from his innate instinct to stay out of the world and avoid getting hurt. But sometimes things don't go the way people will. Although Chen Junping has always adhered to the principle of "being a low-key person and doing things in a high-profile manner", his eagerness to grow at work still brings some sense of crisis to the people around him. And he seems to have forgotten: not everyone tolerates his shortcomings like Lin Hao. They only need to induce a few sentences at a certain juncture, pretend to turn a blind eye to something, and it is easy to magnify a mistake to the point that it is difficult to end it.

The reason for this is simple. It is a customer that Chen Junping is responsible for when signing a contract with the company, and adopts the method of payment agreed by the acceptance bill. However, when the customer endorsed, he stamped the wrong financial seal, which led to the bank's refusal to pay when due, and the company's payment could not be paid in time. At this time, the other company had a problem with the capital chain, so everyone was very nervous at that time. In order to shirk responsibility, the people in the finance department found several documents to prove that Chen Junping had violated the company's regulations when he signed the contract. It is equivalent to paying the goods before seeing the money, which is a reverse procedure operation, and he must be held accountable. Although later after public relations, the company recovered the payment. But because the matter at that time had already reached the top, it had a relatively big impact. In order to calm the fluctuations, the company still punished Chen Junping. He was just a salesman at the time, where did he have the capital to fight with the old employees, so all the justifications were suppressed, although Chen Junping was full of grievances, he had to admit it.

It is conceivable that this incident is a blow to Chen Junping. He's always been a feel-good guy. Living so carefully is to protect your peaceful life. But in the end, he was still pierced by the thorn in his heart and bled nonstop. Chen Junping's "boy-next-door" temperament faded suddenly, he became less talkative, and occasional exchanges were occasionally mixed with a few words of complaint and venting.

Lin Hao was a little worried about him. You know: in this collective of employment relations, others will quickly forget that you used to be good, but they will do bad things to you, and words that you have said badly, may be remembered for a lifetime. He was afraid that Chen Junping's childishness would make his working environment begin to deteriorate. So, a few days later, in the evening, he called Chen Junping and asked him to come out for a drink together.

Chen Junping looked distraught. He sat on the stairs of the corridor with Lin Hao, pinching the beer cans to "click", but they didn't drink a single sip. Lin Hao waited for a long time, but Chen Junping didn't want to say a word, it seemed that he was just satisfied with sitting in place with Lin Hao, letting those hoarded thoughts and solemn atmosphere cut the hearts of the two people.

"You should take it easy and let it pass."

Chen Junping shook his head, and after being silent for a long time, he suddenly let out a long sigh:

"I'm just disappointed in myself," he paused, adding, "I'm not sure, so I'm scared." I'm sorry, Lin Hao. ”

"I'm fine, Ah Ping, I just don't want you to be so tired. If you're not happy, let me know, okay? ”

Chen Junping laughed lowly, turned his face sideways and quickly glanced at Lin Hao, and after touching the other party's eyes, he quickly drooped down:

"You're good enough for me."

It was so good that Chen Junping was a little overwhelmed.

If there is anything Lin Hao is not perfect, maybe it only exists in Chen Junping's vision for the future.

He thinks too badly about the future and imagines waiting as a way to be liberated. But he didn't think about it: time will sharpen something, and it will also dilute something; Something will be changed, something will be erased.

In fact, people don't need to live so clearly in their lives. The more concerned and important it is, the more it needs to be tolerated. If life is a book, and you want to understand it, you can't expect to see a flower between the lines. Completeness and authenticity are the most important things. Life has been in a hurry for decades, and I can't bear the fatigue of carving words.

It's easy to come and easy to go. In this increasingly tiring relationship, letting go, like holding hands, may just be a momentary choice. Chen Junping also felt ironic after the fact. He always felt that he needed time to think, but for so long, he could not find an answer in his doubts. On the contrary, a sentence without a heart turned his entire life around.

Lin Hao didn't know why that night, he drank a little too much. He called almost eleven o'clock and called Chen Junping. The two of them walked around the courtyard of the community, pacing in circles as usual. The weather in early winter was a little cool, Chen Junping put his hand in his pocket, smelling the faint wine emanating from the person behind him.

"What's the matter at such a late hour?" Chen Junping asked casually.

This is not Lin Hao's first whim. is different from Chen Junping's forward-looking and backward thinking: Lin Hao is a more chic and passionate person. When two people are together, the topics in life are often opened by Lin Hao first. Chen Junping is only responsible for listening and feeling. But that night, Lin Hao seemed a little low-key.

"My mom said that a colleague in her unit wanted to introduce me to a girlfriend."

Chen Junping was stunned for a moment, and his footsteps stopped.

There was something strange in his heart. But he still had to stabilize his mood and think about the meaning of Lin Hao's words.

It's actually quite normal. After leaving the university and entering the society, the center of gravity of people needs to be shifted in such an appropriate way. What's more, they have all been working for two years, and it's common for adults to start thinking about this for their children. When Chen Junping occasionally went home, his parents also began to talk in front of him, intentionally or unintentionally. They have all reached the age of marriage, and they are always so unclear, no wonder the parents of both sides are starting to get anxious.

But what position can he take to face it? He wasn't ready.

"That'...... That's good. Chen Junping said hesitantly.

Lin Hao sneered. He stood there for a moment, then walked over to the flowerbed. There was a bench, a street lamp, and it was where they often chatted.

I didn't agree, and then my mom started asking me if it was because I had been talking secretly outside for so long. And then, guess what? It turned out that she already knew everything. Your existence, your name, your age, your family, she has investigated everything. ”

Chen Junping was stunned, for a long time, he didn't know what kind of expression he had on his face.

He underestimated the situation he was in. He always thought that people could do whatever they wanted in the world. But he never expected that the bondage of feelings would bring a lot of additional variables to people. It turns out that unconsciously, those little secrets that are still growing up in the greenhouse of their hearts have already matured in the eyes of others.

It was at that moment that Chen Junping realized that he was out of touch with this society. My heart and my surroundings create a sense of distance.

"I don't know......," he asked, a little caught off guard, and had to ask tentatively, feeling an extreme tension for the first time in his life.

"My mom called me a fool, she said I was willing to be played with, and I had a fight with her." Lin Hao took a few breaths, stood there holding on to the lamppost, and looked at Chen Junping seriously: "Ah Ping, do you know what I mean?" I want you to tell me, tell me that my persistence is not meaningless. ”

For the first time, for the first time, I faced this kind of emotional pressure that I could no longer escape. Chen Junping was a little helpless for a moment.

He can see that Lin Hao's character is definitely a filial son at home. He must have deliberately downplayed some of his mother's words, not to embarrass Chen Junping. But when Chen Junping knew that this unformed relationship would definitely be hindered, at that moment, he felt a chill all over his body.

A breathless feeling made Chen Junping stunned for a long time, he sat on the chair a little dejected, lowered his head and was silent for a long time.

He never thought he was so good, but he couldn't accept that people would describe him in that tone. He didn't want to play with Lin Hao's feelings, he just wanted to wait. But why use such drastic means to force him to make a decision?

There are still many possibilities ahead, and now he just wants to get rid of this panic and disappointment:

"Lin Hao, I still treat you as a friend."

I'm still not ready, can you wait any longer?

His heart shook back and forth, and such a vague sentence in his mouth made Lin Hao's eyes suddenly dim.

Then, Lin Hao cried.

He stood there with his head down, his right hand gripping Chen Junping's shoulder tightly. Chen Junping seemed to be frightened, he sat on the chair in a daze, looking at Lin Hao twitching his shoulders there.

"Chen Junping, you ......"

Lin Hao shook his head vigorously, but he didn't say anything after all.

After so many years, Chen Junping has been guessing what will be behind Lin Hao's unfinished words?

Lin Hao's emotions were indeed out of control that night, but after a long time of silent accusations, he still remembered to control his emotions and sent Chen Junping home.

Perhaps that road is the one that Chen Junping thinks about the most. Those trivial and noisy thoughts splashed silently in the night wind, and his brain was muddy. He suddenly longed for Lin Hao to come over and take his hand at this time, maybe now he had begun to lack such a support.

But as usual, countless assumptions only exist in the mind, not into action. His mind was circling over and over again: Let's talk about it tomorrow. But he still didn't know at such a moment: there is hope for the future, and the future will completely bury hope.

Chen Junping had insomnia that night. When he got up to drink water, he found that Lin Hao was still staying downstairs and had not left. He sat on the edge of the flower bed, slightly hooking his back, a little scarlet light between his fingers, flickering and disappearing. Chen Junping suddenly discovered in a trance: It turned out that his long-term persistence now finally has an answer, and Lin Hao really has shortcomings. In order to strive to create a perfect image in Chen Junping's heart, Lin Hao did deliberately cover up a lot. However, the shortcomings in those natures, once excavated, are not like a flood beast as Chen Junping first thought, but in Chen Junping's heart, little by little, they have become a more profound existence.

Without that lingering bitterness, how can it be set off and tasted sweet?

Chen Junping suddenly felt a trace of panic, a trace of uncertainty, and a trace of loss. The myriad of emotions was tangled in his mind, and he couldn't find any logic or language to organize. The chaos hovered in his mind, neither liberating nor discarding.

Life is meant to be comprehended in the slightest. If you haven't experienced, experienced, or tried, there won't be a twilight drum and morning bell overnight. This relationship, which ended without a problem before it really began, finally ended up with soot all over the ground.

But those remnants also permeated their lives.

After all, we still work together, and we are still colleagues after all. Every day when you look up and don't look down, those subtle particles in your heart will always turn into an emotion, which is called embarrassment.

Lin Hao may be more calm, but for Chen Junping, he always doesn't know what kind of gaze to face the other party.

Especially in those ashes, things that are still starting to heat up gradually.

A month later, Chen Junping resigned without warning.

He wanted to give himself a chance, and he wanted to give himself a complete relief. So he took the most drastic and capricious method in a desperate attempt to completely erase this experience from his life.

But Chen Junping forgot that feelings are not materialized things. He was nowhere to be found, afloat. When I want to forget, I don't seem to know where to start. He didn't even know where to start.

He deliberately wanted not to let himself get out of contact with everything about Lin Hao, left the city, and deleted Lin Hao's phone number. But he has never changed his contact information, and he will often look at his mobile phone in a daze. He fantasized about whether the number engraved in his mind by his memory would one day suddenly light up on the screen and light up his life again.

Then, will he have the opportunity to say the words that he didn't have time to say, which are getting more and more stuck in his throat?

Time gradually erased those spikes in his heart, and made Chen Junping more honest. He unconsciously suddenly discovered that those emotions that could not enter his heart were like a blunt knife, rubbing his heart over and over again in the changes of time. I went from feeling nothing to getting used to the sharp pain. His heart, which was becoming more and more open and clear, gradually began to face the sharp blade until he was overwhelmed.

He began to anesthetize himself with other things, and even thought about starting another relationship all over again. But many of the emotions that I encountered for the first time when I was young have become standards and habits. In his increasingly critical eyes, he suddenly found that Lin Hao had become a benchmark for him when he made his choice.

And in this world, there will be no second Lin Hao to fill the gap in his future world.

So that's it, I want to put it but I can't put it down.

Until now.

Chen Junping held the cup of hot cocoa, trying to maintain a little warmth in a chaotic mind. After a long time, as if he had thought of something, he suddenly raised his hand and randomly removed a book of poems from the shelf, hoping to distract himself.

A collection of poems is a collection of books, without a fixed author, only scattered collection of poems by some members of the society. There is neither a fixed format nor a fixed author, and the style seems to be very accessible. In normal times, Chen Junping would rarely notice it.

Open the title page, and there is only one sentence from the author's message on it:

"If you can see it one day, you know, no matter where you are, I want you to be well."

Chen Junping's heart twitched unconsciously. He flipped to the next page and found that it was a poem called "I Want to Say".

I would like to say:

"Take my hand."

With the shy throbbing of my heart.

From this side of the brilliant lights,

Walk to the other end of the city.

Looking up at the light in the corner of the building,

Fantasy of one day,

It will also be a place for you and me.

I would like to say:

"Lean on my shoulder."

Feel the warmth of youth in my arms,

And then began to whisper,

The ones in life are hard to say.

Maybe next time,

We'll get through it with support.

I would like to say:

"Listen to my heartbeat."

Agitation in the face of stress.

Confusion under the dim street lamps,

Speechless on the bench in the community.

You and I still accept the pain silently,

Probably for a lifetime,

What's missing is an exploration beyond crying.

I would like to say:

"Take your courage."

Reserved is a kind of foolish arrogance,

Happiness is holding hands that is real and close at hand.

We will always look forward and will only look forward to,

Gently interlocking your fingers,

The blue sea and blue sky in life depend on each other.

I want to say,

Those words that have never been able to be spoken.

Once upon a time, we who were unable to open love in our hearts were still stupidly looking forward to the coming of love. In fact, it has long been quietly passing by us. Once upon a time, we were all waiting for the maturity of growing up to be able to solve the doubts of youth. But it turned out that there were some doubts, and the more I grew up, the more I couldn't solve them.

Chen Junping covered his eyes with his hands, but he still couldn't stop tears from spilling out of his fingers.

Not long since......

There is no repetition in life, and there is no ifs in fate.

So those unspoken words, you and I have to let go.

Chen Junping trembled his hands, hooked his mobile phone, broke the lid hard, and pulled out his mobile phone card that had not been changed for more than ten years.

The paper cup in his hand was still steaming, just like the entanglements that had been extinguished but stubbornly unwilling to disperse after that night.

As you wish, I hope you cherish it.

"Smack......

The tiny chip fell from the fingertip to the cup, stirring up a dull ripple, but gradually, calming down.