Lately, I seem to be getting sick.

Every time I make eye contact with a boy in the class, my heart beats faster, and I can't make eye contact with him, let alone look at his smile as if he wants to play tricks on me.

I was the elder, but I seemed to be looked down upon by boys who were eight years younger than me, and treated me as an ignorant little girl.

I knew where I stood out, so no matter what sweet words he said, I always deliberately kept a straight face and scolded him mercilessly.

Every time I spoke to him loudly, I couldn't help but soften my heart when I saw him showing a lonely expression, and I thought about being more gentle with him.

Whenever this happens, I think of my identity, my age, and the girls of the same age who should be surrounded by him who are more youthful and beautiful, and I am a silent person.

I've always been like this, I don't know how to say no, I don't know how to fight, I just go with the flow.

That's why I was entangled by bad men and turned into a pitiful posture, longing for someone to redeem me deep down.

Now, I've finally found someone who can redeem me, but he's not the burly mature man I imagined.

Some naïve, some troublesome, clingy to age, an out-and-out imp, but his eyes occasionally show a depth different from his age.

I've never seen such an incredible teenager.

At the end of the day, I was walking alone on the slope in front of the school, and I couldn't help but think of the teenager when I heard the training shouts of the sports club in the direction of the school, but I couldn't imagine what it was like for him to join the club.

Maybe it's my stereotype, he gives people the impression that he is very unathletic, and this feeling probably comes from his solitary actions, because I have never seen him walk with anyone in school, and he is always alone and alone.

…… Really, why are you thinking about him again.

I patted my cheek and tried to dislodge the teenager from my mind.

I bought the ingredients for dinner at the supermarket near my home, and the bean sprouts were very cheap, because I paid a considerable amount of money to that person, and I had to save this month.

Sometimes I also think that in fact, I don't need to have anything to do with him anymore, but I am a person who is born with such independent thoughts, or rather, I am submissive, and I still choose to give money on the basis of knowing my own shortcomings, and in this respect, I am indeed a hopeless woman.

However, even a woman like me will have someone who will say that they like me without hesitation and will always be by my side.

"Guest...... Guest......? ”

"Ah, yes!"

When I came back to my senses, I realized that it was my turn to line up for checkout, and my face was hot, and after paying, I quickly left the supermarket with two large bags of bean sprouts and a box of discounted eggs.

When I got home and started preparing dinner for today, the phone on the table vibrated non-stop.

I just glanced at it, and I felt dizzy, thinking that the person had appeared in front of me again, and suddenly felt cold hands and feet, for fear that there would be a knock on the door at this time.

Tremblingly, he picked up his phone and confirmed the content of the message he received.

[That little ghost, it seems to be your student, right?] 】

For a moment, it was as if I had lost consciousness and connection with the world, as if existence had been completely erased, and I had become an empty shell with nothing left.

……

……

In today's lesson, I was absent-minded and made frequent mistakes, not only did I not set an example, but I asked the students to comfort me, which was really a bit unseemly.

In the face of the concern of this group of children, did I smile well, I was so afraid that I would show negative emotions.

I was afraid that I would shout hysterically in front of the teenager like I did that day.

If I could, I would like to be their ideal teacher.

But I understand that Aoyama Aoi is not such a brave and gentle person.

It all started with my timidity.

Back in the staff room, I opened my bag from time to time to confirm the cash wrapped in newspaper.

It's 3 million yen, which is all my savings from my job, and if I hand it over, I'll be completely penniless, and I won't even be able to pay next month's rent.

After that, if he continues to threaten me, what should I hand over?

That's the kind of thing that will happen when the time comes.

In any case, I can't let him threaten my important student.

I have lost many things, money, courage, dignity.

Because I am a weak woman, I think this is a helpless thing in my heart, and I have long denied in my heart that I am a woman worthy of redemption.

However, none of this has anything to do with Jinguji classmates.

I never thought about protecting myself, and for the first time, I wanted to protect someone with my own hands.

As soon as I got out of school, I grabbed my bag and left the school as quickly as possible, when a teenager blocked my way in front of the long road.

The warm winter sun sprinkled on his face, dyed with a layer of golden glow, he had a handsome face that captivated the soul, and his dark eyes often revealed a depth that did not match his age.

"Oh, teacher, can I go to your house tonight?"

I stood still, unable to respond to his expectations.

I can't even look him in the eye.

I rarely see him laughing in a crowd, but when it's just me and him, I'm always attracted to his soft smile.

Can I think that his smile is only willing to show me?

It must not be like that.

I'd rather believe that it's my excess of self-consciousness than that he's in love with myself that I loathe.

I ignored him, and even made a cold voice, and when I passed by him, I felt strongly the powerlessness and grief in my heart.

I realized that in addition to being weak, I was also an inconsistent, insincere woman.

I treated the students who had a crush on me, but I couldn't say no to the man who hurt me.

Is...... Deserve.

……

……

It was a cold and windy night, in the agreed uninhabited park, surrounded by weeds, I leaned on the slightly rusty swing iron frame, silently waiting for the arrival of the man.

He was late.

This is indeed his style, and I have long been accustomed to it, even numb, and continue to stand in place without thinking.

But all I thought in my heart was the guilt of that young man.

I didn't understand what I was feeling guilty about, I just felt that I wasn't the good woman he thought I was, and the mere thought of it made me breathe with regret.

The street lights kept flickering, the temperature around me plummeted over time, and the sound of footsteps was heard not far away, and I pulled myself together and clutched the bag on my shoulder in my palm.

The man appeared in front of me with an unsettling smile on his face, and I realized how pure the boy's smile was.

But this person, what he wants to do, is to destroy the smile of Jinguji-san.

In the future, I will still be deeply trapped in the haze he gave me, living up to my parents who gave birth to me and raising me, and living up to the persuasion of my classmates in Jinguji, and still being a stupid woman who deserves it.

That's the life I want.

…… Anyone is good, come and wake me up, and scold me.

It's the first time I've looked forward to it so strongly.

No, not everyone is good.

I know it in my heart.

I wanted to see him, to see the boy who said he would always be with me.

I want to say thank you to him, thank you for not leaving at that time, for not leaving me alone.

I want to apologize to him, I shouldn't have yelled at him at that time, used him as an outlet for catharsis, and wanted to say sorry to him.

If I had him by my side, would I have been able to make up my mind to fight against the man in front of me?

I fantasized about this kind of beautiful thing that I knew wouldn't happen, and my body numb handed over the wrapped money to the person in front of me.

But he appeared.

There is no foreshadowing or prelude, neither like the heroic appearance in the movie, nor does it give a belated protagonist-like rescue, he just takes a slow step, as if he appears here as a matter of course.

It's just that he is different from my impression, his expression is not smiling, and his dark eyes burst with burning anger, and I know that he will show such a look.

I stared at him in a daze, unable to ponder why he was here, and let him stand in front of me, holding my wrist tightly and pulling him behind him.

Hey?

His shoulders, are they so generous?

I had never paid attention to such a thing, and I always treated him like a child, but when we were so close to each other, I suddenly realized.

Before age, before identity.

I'm a woman, he's a man.

And this money, in the end, was not handed over.

It turned out that he was not only sharp in the face of me, but his poisonous tongue was really a little ugly, and the first time I saw that person was scolded to the point of incompleteness, he was angry and ready to do it, but he was neatly twisted his wrist by Jinguji classmates and subdued to the ground.

I was so stupid to think that he didn't fit in with the sport, that he was just agile and handsome.

It's too bad, and if it goes on like this, I'll probably fall in love with him.

Running down the alley of Shimokitazawa by his hand, I couldn't hear the cries for help of the man behind me as he fell to the ground.

I just feel that my behavior so far is really ridiculous, what is there to be afraid of such an embarrassed man.

Compared to these, the scenery in front of me made me unable to take my eyes off.

The moment he ran from the dim alley to the main road, the neon light around him sprinkled on his face.

His smile caught my eye deeply, panting slightly, revealing a sense of exaltation that he had accomplished something big.

Perhaps infected by his smile, or perhaps the shackles in my heart disappeared, I couldn't help but laugh, and the accumulated turbidity in my heart dissipated, and I could no longer take my eyes off his face.

I don't think I'll ever forget this day.

will never forget how Aoyama Aoi fell into this love affair on this day.

……

……

On the way back to the apartment, it suddenly started to drizzle, and I walked quietly beside him, glancing sideways at him from time to time, and from time to time looking at his hand holding my wrist.

I seem to have become the aoyama aoi who didn't dare to say no, and I didn't have the courage to speak out and tell him to let go of me.

Or do I actually want to be held in the palm of his hand?

The drizzle in the wind drenched our hair and clothes, and we were silent, listening to each other's breathing and heartbeats.

He sent me home, and when I opened the door, he stood outside the house for a long time, looking at his wet hair, which was constantly falling with droplets, and a strong sense of shame suddenly swept through my heart.

Even so, I spoke.

"First...... Stay and take a shower, you'll catch a cold. ”

He looked at me incredulously, and I couldn't resist his cute puppy-like eyes, and I looked away in shame.

The soaked clothes stuck to my body, and I should have felt cold, but my body was hot and hot.

As long as he meets his eyes, his body temperature will involuntarily rise.

I'm really sick.

When he approached me, I thought he was going to touch my head again, like he did last time.

But with it, his thin lips.

Kissing me unscrupulously, the intense sense of shame made me close my eyes and not dare to accept what was in front of me.

I had to refuse him, but in a matter of seconds, I was reduced to a slave to kissing.

"Hmm...... Jinguji ...... Wait a minute! Wait...... Hmmm!

"Hah...... Ha...... It's hard to breathe...... Why, why would you, hmm, so skilled~~Hmm~" I, I couldn't refuse him.

Even though I knew in my heart that this was an impermissible relationship, my heart seemed to have subtly accepted his touch on me.

I want to hug him, I want to taste his lips, I want to remember the smell of him.

Everything is my fault.

Jinguji classmate he, he didn't do anything wrong.

It was I who didn't resist, I took the initiative to seduce him.

I think it's my responsibility as an adult.

So one day, when that person came to the school to make a big fuss, I was surprisingly calm and took all the responsibility on myself for the first time.

I can't let the boy who saved me, the boy who likes me from the bottom of his heart, and the boy who says he will always be by my side, accept an unfair trial.

He didn't do anything wrong.

So......

It's all my fault.

I am willing to accept any punishment.

In this way, I left Kamisakura High School, and I will probably never be able to work in the education industry again in my life.

Incredibly, I didn't grieve about it.

I've gotten rid of the nightmares that have haunted me so far, I'm no longer afraid of strong men, and I know that even a woman like me will have good guys who say they like me.

I took the initiative to break up with Jinguji-san, even though it wasn't my intention, but when I think about his future, I think it must be good for both of us.

He deserves a better girl, and he shouldn't be an aunt like me.

So end here, just right.

But I will never forget, I will not forget that there was such a teenager in my life.

He is like a flame that burns me, burning my cowardice and inferiority.

Then, give me a new lease of life.

(End of chapter)