A thousand words, I can't figure out a clue, although my heart is messy, but I don't know how to put it down. I originally wanted to quote a poem, but I used to express my heart, and after thinking about it for a long time, I suddenly found that the sour man who claimed to love poetry couldn't remember any poems describing his father after all. I had to use Baidu Weili, but there were a few unfamiliar words and sentences that came into view, and I looked at it quietly, and there was no one that could describe the heart of the moment, so I had no choice but to abandon it.

"The body of the child will be born, and the body of the mother is like being in prison. "After 30 days of hard work, the mother is getting fatter. "The line in the mother's hand, the wanderer's shirt. ”

It's amazing, I want to write about my father, and the poems about my mother always come out without thinking! Maybe it's because I'm shallow and can't think about it, or maybe most people feel that way? I don't know, but I'm not curious. As in today's article, the answer is that it doesn't matter, just pour out your own state of mind.

Personally, it is often so contradictory, knowing the outcome, but not being able to control the process, which is not appropriate, but it seems to be in line with the relationship with the father.

I often think that I will never wait until my family will grow old completely, or I will finally be separated one day, and I will regret everything I have done now, and I will cry bitterly, and I will think that I am a villain with unforgivable sins! But this is only after the fact, and I always can't control my emotions when I quarrel.

Whether it is to classmates, friends or comrades-in-arms, he can always show a natural gentleness. From childhood to adulthood, his popularity is still acceptable, and he rarely argues with others, let alone noisy actions, because he is a person who lacks assertiveness, and it is very easy to agree with others' ideas.

Of course, I'm not a rat in the nest, at least not all, to my grandfather, grandmother, grandmother, Jiaci and other elders, I can still maintain a filial appearance of a good son and grandson, after all, at this age, there is always no qualification to be too much of a bastard.

However, these good thoughts and gratitude, every time I met my father, they completely turned into nothingness! For him, I was always very vicious and ugly, revealing my most hideous face! Although I would repent a few words in my heart afterwards, these confessions would disappear in an instant, and I could not be influenced to wreak havoc again!

Is it because my father is not good enough for me? Obviously not, although my mother's love is more meticulous, I never doubt my father's love for me!

When I was in elementary school, my family was already in a state of despair! So my mother had no choice but to go to Shenzhen, thousands of miles away, to work hard and earn money to support her family. However, I was too young at that time, and I was cared for by my elders since I was born, and I had not experienced too much wind and rain in the outside world, so my life was not bad, of course, this did not mean the psychological aspect.

At that time, I had only one thought -- the sky was falling!! because my mother could no longer be by my side all the time! This was no less than a nightmare life for me! But at that time, I was not completely inconsiderate of my parents' hard work, so I had no resistance to cry and shout, so I could only choose to bear it silently! Now I think about it, this is indeed not a great event, but in my opinion at that time, it was the most terrifying encounter in my little life!

My mother's love for me is greater than what I have for her, and there is no doubt that she can choose to give up her life without hesitation for me! I have always been very sure that her love for me is beyond all the love in the world! Including her parents, my grandmother, grandfather, and her husband, my father, I am the only one for her!

When I was a child, I was still a baby, and I didn't remember anything at that time, but later my elders told me as a joke. I was happy before, but now I can only be grateful!

Even if it is a young child, I am not afraid of being as squeamish, I never like bed, only love to embrace, it is hard to imagine a thin and timid woman, accompanied by scattered snowflakes in the winter night, holding a child of ten pounds all night to accompany and care!

No matter what I wanted, my mother would try to satisfy me, no matter where I went, even if it was the bathroom, she would never leave me for a moment! For seven years, we were together all the time, every minute! So I can imagine my attachment to my mother! For me at that time, the sudden separation was undoubtedly an incomparably huge blow! And what is even more terrifying is that this is not the only blow!

Because my mother had to go away and couldn't come back for a long time, and my father needed to work and didn't have time to take care of me, so I couldn't even live in my own house and had to move to my grandparents.

Suddenly changed the relatives I cared for, and suddenly changed the relatively unfamiliar environment, I was already fragile, and I was very uncomfortable. Thinking about it now, it was also because I was too thoughtful at that time, so it caused this situation, a child, especially a boy, should not be so sensitive, but this kind of character has accompanied my growth until now.

I still remember the first day I went to my grandfather's house, I wore a beautiful new dress and a pair of beautiful leather shoes, and my mother was always very particular about my dress.

I vomited a lot that night, and I had a bad stomach since I was a child, especially that night, but I was very happy because eventually my father took me back. Although I knew that my mother would leave the next day, I would still return to my grandfather's house, but even so, I was very happy at that time, snuggling in my mother's warm arms, and that feeling is still fresh in my memory!

The next day, my mother left, and I went to my grandfather's house, and from then on I started a new life, in which the protagonists were grandpa, grandma, dad, and a grandma who could see once a week.

I vaguely remember that my sister-in-law seemed to live there at the time, and she should have been in college. But my memory has not been good since I was a child, so in retrospect, I can't figure out whether she came back occasionally or lived at home every day? It's strange that the memories of that moment are some unforgettable, and some are more and more blurred.

I remember that at that time, I would quietly cry alone every night, and I didn't dare to let others know, and no one should have found out at that time. Because I went to bed early at that time, I had enough time to carefully vent my grievances secretly, and from that time on, I paid great attention to wiping away my tears, otherwise I would wake up the next day and my eyelids would be swollen.

At that time, I didn't tell anyone, I knew very well that my mother's departure was not something that others could control, but that the pressure of the family was too great, so I had nothing to complain about, nothing to confide in, just a person who cried silently and missed silently.

One night, I had a very clear dream, it was in the alley of my grandfather's house, my mother was sitting on a tricycle and speeding forward, and I was running alone behind! Unfortunately, I was too young at that time to catch up with her, no matter how hoarse I shouted, I could never make too much noise! I could only look at her back, gradually moving away, gradually disappearing......

This should be a very short dream, there is no logic, there is no content, every time I go to sleep, I will always encounter all kinds of strange content, but most of them are completely forgotten the next morning, only this one, even the details are clearly remembered, and I still can't forget it until now!

Talking a thousand words, I found that the protagonist seemed to have become my mother, and my father who had a "grudge against me" hadn't appeared much so far, but he was in a state of mind, and if he didn't write it, it would be a little unpleasant. All kinds of nonsense have no rules, and please do a lot of them, if anyone still watches this nonsense.

My grandparents were very good to me, their lives were very hard and not easy, but they brought up two daughters and three sons. Their hard and simple style has been maintained to this day, and they do not pay attention to food and clothing, but they have the nature of northerners and love pasta. Of course, it is not the kind of warmth and affection that takes a bowl of noodles to the extreme, it is just an ordinary food that is difficult to eat and tasteless in my opinion, but fortunately, I had the treatment of a small stove at that time, which was also my life at that time. It's not as described, the twists and turns are bizarre or under the fence, very ordinary, very bland.

My father used to take me out on trips, and when we were younger, we went to many places together. Although he has no money, he also tries his best to meet my various unreasonable requests, especially in terms of eating, always cooking in different ways, preferring that he is very frugal on weekdays, and is willing to save money for me to eat a roast duck, of course, half a duck, because at that time, a duck was too luxurious for our family!

It seems that when I think about it this way, he is very good, completely fulfilled his father's due responsibility, and even gave me too much that even he himself is reluctant to enjoy, as Fang just said, his love for me is something I never doubt!

But in the deepest part of his soul, there lived another him, a somewhat tyrannical and somewhat drunkard! An unreasonable man who didn't speak well and often quarreled with his mother! He was a good husband, a good father, he was not a good husband, he was not a good father, it was paradoxical, but this was him!

He is very good to me, but he is not bad at wine, and two completely different species in this world can have a strange hostile relationship because of a man!

At that time, he was probably too stressful in life, so he couldn't control himself, got off work every day, went to his friends to drink, and excreted his depression, which was a normal thing, if there was no such channel, this hard-working man might not be able to grit his teeth to support today.

At the same time, I hated it very much! Because I was sacrificing time with me! My mother was not by my side, I lived at my grandfather's house, and what I was looking forward to and longing for was that my father could come and accompany me, eat together, and play together!

But he always loved to drink, and he loved to drink too much! He often stayed with his friends until midnight! We didn't live together at that time, so it meant that we didn't see him often!

He would occasionally come to my grandfather's house, and I was very happy! I was very relieved! Actually, it wasn't a big deal, but it still made me feel different.

One night, I had just had dinner, and my grandfather, grandma, father, and aunt were all there, and my aunt and father blew up a balloon and slapped and played with each other, and they were very happy! Suddenly he received a phone call, it was a colleague, asking him to go out for a drink, I didn't want him to go, but he promised me that he would definitely come back at night!

Because my aunt continued to play with me, although I was a little disappointed at that time, I didn't care too much, and the child's attention always shifted quickly, and time passed quietly with a smile.

But in the early hours of the morning, I was sleeping soundly, but I suddenly woke up! I don't know why, I woke up very early that day, and I was even more awake! At that time, my grandfather had no mobile phone at home, no fluorescent watch, so naturally there was no way to know what time it was, but it was dark outside, and it might be early before dawn.

The first thought I had when I woke up was to turn my head to the left, and I clearly remember that it must be the left! I don't have a good sense of direction, and it is difficult to distinguish between east and west, north and south in my own home, so I can only use left and right to describe.

If my father had come back at night, it would have been a place for him to rest.

It was a dark shadow, sleeping soundly, snoring. It was so dark that I couldn't tell who it was, and by the faint moonlight, I could see the face vaguely, as if it was grandpa or father, and I was not sure at all.

In fact, my father and grandfather did not look too similar, and their bodies were very different, but at that time, it was probably too dark, covering my eyes, or maybe it was some kind of small expectation, covering my heart, and I really couldn't tell whether it was my grandfather or my father!

I forgot whether I felt uncomfortable later, but it seemed that I suddenly fell asleep, and it seemed that it was about to dawn, and I got up. I only remember that after my grandfather woke up, I pretended to be unintentional but asked him carefully, holding on to the last trace of illusion, and the result was undoubtedly only disillusioned, and my father did not come back that night.

Maybe everybody forgot about it, Grandpa, Dad, Auntie, but I still remember.

I don't want to remember, but I remember it vividly.

In fact, there are not many similar things, and they are not less, I once hugged my father's leg and cried bitterly, making a fuss about not letting him out. also used to follow him alive and dead for other reasons. Although it didn't work out, the strange thing is that this incident is so memorable for no reason, no reason, and it's too contrived to think about it now!

In retrospect, I didn't stay at my grandfather's house for too long, but for some reason, it felt so long, and even in my memories, it was still so long......

Finally, one day, my long-awaited day finally arrived - home!

Although my grandparents loved me very much, it was not my own home after all. But from then on, the contradictions with my father began to increase, Xu was too young at that time, not sensible, unable to understand the hard work of adults, Xu was unable to recognize his mistakes, and always made his father angry. But for some reason, I seem to have become a punching bag!

My father gets angry very easily, he hits me very easily, especially after drinking! Of course he doesn't hurt very much, and it's just his ass, and it doesn't matter what domestic violence or anything else. But at that time, there was no mother, only father, and I was afraid of him!! and maybe he was timid!! but I was reluctant to let him go, I would rather be like this, and I would never leave my home and leave this closest person!!

In this way, tangled and conflicted, another period of time passed. I don't remember how long, maybe a few months, maybe a few years, my mother finally didn't have to go to Shenzhen anymore, she came back!! but I didn't feel any joy and warmth at home!

"Poor couples mourn everything", I have deeply experienced these seven words since I was a child.

My father hasn't changed, he still loves to drink so much! It's just that after he finished drinking, the object of his venting changed from myself to me and my mother! He would keep insulting us, but he wouldn't do anything to his mother, after all, he was just stressed, not a bad person with morally questionable morals. But he will drop things, and he will disturb our mother and son for a moment! I thought about death, but I can't bear my mother, if I die, my mother will definitely go crazy, she is such a beautiful and beautiful person, if she is crazy, how can she live!

Of course, this may just be an excuse for my cowardice, and maybe I wouldn't have dared to kill myself without my mother. But there is no doubt that I really had suicidal thoughts, and I really feel that living is really hard.

Later, as I got older, I felt more and more that the difference between my father who had drunk and my father who had not drunk was too great! At that time, he was the embodiment of fear in my eyes, and every time he went to work, my heart immediately relaxed a lot, and once he came back, I immediately felt a little scared, and I asked my mother, and she felt the same way.

In the face of my husband, this man who wants to spend my whole life together, and in the face of my father, this man who gave me life and infinite love, there is always a huge stone in my heart that I can never move from.

So at that time I resented him, but at the same time, I also loved him! But I never wanted to be like a father who smoked and drank and treated his wife and children wantonly! To this day, I never smoke, I rarely drink alcohol, including my girlfriend, I can't say that I am 100% tolerant, but I am also humble. I don't want to quarrel, I'm afraid of quarrels! I'm afraid that my girlfriend will feel like my mother! I'm afraid that my future child will feel like me! I've been trying not to learn from my father's shortcomings, I've been avoiding these!

Later, for a period of time, my mother had a very strange disease, and there was no way to find out the cause in this city or even in this province, and there was no way to treat it. The doctor suspected that it was a bad disease, and there was no way, so he finally went to Peking Union Medical College Hospital. The family was very difficult, but my father didn't say anything, silently resisted this, silently endured, accompanied my mother to see a doctor for treatment, he never gave up! Gradually, my mother recovered, it can be said that if there was no father, there would have been no mother early, and his love for the two of us will always be undoubted!!

Perhaps under too much pressure, my father's temper has not changed. He loves us, very much, but he never minds hurting us with impunity!

I grew up and began to protect my mother! I began to rebel against my father! I stood at the forefront of every conflict! I was afraid of their divorce at first, and then I longed for them to divorce! It was at that time that everything was completely radicalized by me!

Until later, my father gradually got old, until last year, he was over half a hundred years old, he has actually been changing, has been adjusting, he has changed too much. Nowadays, he has paid too much attention! But he still likes wine! But after drinking, he rarely got angry, threw things, and quarreled with our mother and son for no reason.

I thought that our father-son relationship would gradually improve, but unfortunately it didn't! He was getting better, and I was still a bastard! Every time I saw him drinking, I couldn't control my inner emotions! I was more introverted since I was a child, and I can tolerate many things, but this is the only one thing, I can't bear it!

My father is old, his mind has become a little dull due to the effects of alcohol, and his skin is not good. But I tried to persuade him again and again, but it was always fruitless! Every now and then, I was like a beast that had lost my mind! My father touched my sensitivity a little, and all kinds of negative emotions would burst out uncontrollably!

I knew that it was not right to do this! It was even more unfilial! I was constantly adjusting, but unfortunately it had little effect! I didn't want to get angry, so I chose to avoid it, and I didn't dare to speak. Suddenly, I found that this was actually a kind of cold violence in disguise!

Just like today, just like yesterday, we have fallen into a new Cold War! It is I who provoked the war! I am the one who made the mistake! I am the one who is ruthless! I am still the one who is shameless!

I want to apologize, but I can't open my mouth! I want to have a hug, but I can't do it! I know what to do in the future, but I can't do it!

Now I am not a child, let alone an age that can be wanton and willful, but I am so reckless! I owe my father, and I will never pay it back! Everything is just an excuse, it is just a reason, but I have not crossed the hurdle that should have been crossed a long time ago!

I wish my father a long and healthy life!

It's scribbled, unorganized, and it's a mess, but it's a little looser! Whether anyone reads this mess or not, for the lovely father! For the bastard's son!