1, husband: "I contacted her again last night, she is still so hot, it makes me sweat and can't stop... ”

Wife: ", it's disgusting to eat chili oil." ”

2. The daughter-in-law said to me earnestly: "What's wrong with being green, Guan Yunchang wears green clothes and cuckolds, and his achievements cover the world; Hulk is green from head to toe, and his strength is infinite; the people's soldiers are green all over his body, and his combat effectiveness is bursting; I will give you a green hat so that you can have a future and not be bullied!"

I listened to what my daughter-in-law said quite reasonably, and walked towards the kitchen while nodding...

3. The aggrieved husband said to his wife: We have two cars, two TVs, and two bathrooms at home. Why can't there be two opinions?

4. Wife: "Do you remember that twenty years ago, we said to write down each other's shortcomings?"

I laughed and said, "Oh, of course I do!

Wife: "I just finished writing. ”

5. My husband quarreled last night and threatened to run away from home, but my husband closed the door: You can go!

I stood in the courtyard and was scared to see the darkness outside, but I felt shameless when I went back to my room.

After a moment of silence, I took off my shirt and threw it in a chic manner: It's too hot, I want to run naked!

In less than a second, my husband rushed out like the wind, picked it up and ran back to the house!

Fight with me, hum...

1. Some netizens pointed out that "Wolf Warrior 2" plagiarized "Bullet Marks".

Recently, Dong Qun, the screenwriter of "Wolf Warrior 2", responded: I, Dong Qun, pen name Dancing Enchantress, masterpiece "Bullet Marks"

2, Zhu Bajie and Sun Wukong came to Mishan and Mianshan, Zhu Bajie shouted: "Brother Monkey, I eat Mishan, you eat Mianshan, see who eats it first." After saying that, he jumped into the pile of rice and ate it in a big gulp.

Sun Wukong looked at Zhu Bajie and sneered: "Idiot, how long are you going to eat this bite?"

After speaking, he turned into a king continent.

3. The advertising paradox: The longer the ad interrupts me watching a video, the less likely I am to buy the product.

4. History is always strikingly similar, for example, more than ten years ago when you called Big Brother on the street, and now you call Big Brother on the street, the return rate is extremely high.

5. When I fell in love a few years ago, my mother was always worried and said: Look more, don't worry, you have to understand each other, I'm afraid that the other party is hiding too deeply!

Now when I fall in love, my mother is always worried and says: If you look good, hurry up, after a long time, when the other party understands you, it may be yellow again.

6. Why do you hear a lot of truths, but you still can't live a good life? Because people who live well don't listen to others' reasoning, but give reasoning to others.

1. Today, the car collided with a car, which almost caused a tragic accident...

I got out of the car and negotiated for three minutes, and TM almost suffered from heat stroke. . .

2. When I went to a restaurant to eat, I pushed the door open and a wave of heat came to my face!

Me: Why don't you turn on the air conditioner?

Waiter: The boss won't let go, saying that it costs electricity.

Me: Then you open the window, it's hot!

Waiter: The boss said to close the windows, and the people outside will think that we have turned on the air conditioner.

I...

3. I have a cousin who loves to be greedy and cheap.

Yesterday I went to learn to drive, the coach lit a Chinese cigarette, put the cigarette and the lighter aside, this goods went up and the coach set closely, did not give him a cigarette, he took it himself, and was cut by the coach.

My cousin came back and told me, and I said, "Isn't it just a Chinese cigarette?"

The cousin said indignantly: "He is an immortal, and the coach's reason is: Those who offend me 'Chinese' will be punished even if they are far away~", there's nothing wrong with it!!

4. A young man with a blue nose and swollen face, wearing a pair of myopic glasses with only one lens left, walked into the optical store.

The optometrist looked at him and said, "Young man, if I'm not mistaken, this is the third time you've been here to get your lenses, the first time because you were walking with your phone and you hit a telephone pole, and the second time you were playing with your phone and fell into a sewage well without a manhole cover - what happened this time? Did you fall or crash?"

The young man said embarrassedly: "No, this time I went to the public toilet with my mobile phone, and I didn't pay attention to enter the women's toilet... ”

5. There is no one in my house today, so I called my male ticket to let him come to my house, and after we snapped, he threw the condom in the toilet, and then the condom did not flush down. . .

As a result, my mother found out, and my mother asked me who came to our house today?

I said I don't know, I'm not at home today, you ask my dad!

1. Often walk by the river, and the number of WeChat steps will be more.

2. Mature people never write their emotions on their faces, they all have their own emojis.

3. Isn't there a lot of sows, so my friend named his grandmother's sow: Bodo also minds.

4. As long as one bad thing happens, the day is bad, however, at least a series of good things need to be there to make me feel that this day is good.

5. Eating will grow wings, don't believe you look at maggots.

7. The air police car parked on the side of the road is a scarecrow used to scare the driver.

8. Now the people who ask their colleagues how much you pay as soon as they pay their salaries are the same people who ask their classmates how many points they score in the exam when they go to school!

9. The so-called going to work: It means that we exchange our souls for money, and then redeem our souls with money.

10. People who drive Mercedes-Benz are trying to change Bentley;

The people who drive Chery are always desperately trying to save fuel;

The pattern is different!

When I buy a house, I always want to change to a big villa;

If you don't buy a house, you always think that the house price will fall;

The height is not the same!

People with ideals and ambitions always want to make money;

People who have no ideals and no ambitions always want to forget it like this;

The realm is different!

1. I went to the bank to make a payment account, and after waiting for a long time, it was finally my turn, I asked the bank staff at the counter: The counters of your bank are all working people, and the efficiency is not high, when can it become a fully automatic robot to serve customers?

He thought for a moment and said, "Probably when the customer becomes a robot."

I...

2. I went to my girlfriend's house to play and found a notebook on the coffee table, so I picked it up and looked at it.

I saw that on page 1 it was written "I ate a cake", on page 2 it was written "I ate an ice cream", and on page 3 it was written "I ate a hamburger"...

Seeing this, I couldn't help but boast: "You still write down everything you eat?

As soon as I finished speaking, I turned to page 5 and saw that it said, "I ate so much in the morning." ”

3. When I went to the bank with my friends to withdraw money and was robbed at gunpoint, I and other customers hurriedly squatted down, and when I saw that my friends were also going to squat, I hurriedly said, "You don't have to squat." ”

"Why?"

"Anyway, you're a Virgo, you're shot while lying down, what's the use of squatting. ”

4. The lawyer said to his wife: "The client said that he has no money, and I can't continue to help him appeal." ”

A few days later, the lawyer told his wife, "I have discovered something new, so I want to help the client appeal again." ”

Wife: "Did you find any new evidence?"

Lawyer: "No, I found out that the client still has $50,000 in his bank account. ”

5. "Why don't you have a girlfriend?"

"I'm too big to find a suitable one. ”

"So coincidentally, so did I. ”

"You're that big, too?"

"No, I'm also shameless if I brag about bull B. ”

1. On the pedestrian street, a man and a woman came to a fortune-telling booth and said, "Count the relationship between me and my husband." ”

The fortune teller looked at the two, pondered for a moment, and said, "With all due respect, the relationship between you and your husband has come to an end, and there is no need to force it any longer. ”

The woman breathed a sigh of relief, grabbed the man's arm tightly, and said softly: "Hear it, honey, let's be together, I'll divorce my husband when I go back." ”

2. Just after making out with my husband, I was silent for a while and said, "You don't love me anymore!" and then started crying!

My husband hurriedly asked, "What's wrong, why do you say that?"

I said, "You hugged me after making out before! Rest for a while, you don't hug me for a while!"

My husband's temper came up: "The exercise is so intense, I am sweating, hugging you, you are not afraid of prickly heat!"

I kicked him under the bed and said, "No one else is afraid of heat, but you are afraid of heat...

And then he was upset, and I ... Am I saying something wrong ...

3. I just answered a phone call: "Wife, I paid my salary today, let's go to have a big dinner in the evening, and buy you a few sets of clothes by the way, Qixi Festival is coming, the pendant you saw last time and bought it together, don't save anymore, make money for you to spend, love you... ”

Holding back the tears of emotion, he told him: You. Beat. Wrong. Electricity. Speech. Finish...

Whose husband is this?

4. Men and women go on a blind date, they have a good impression of each other, and the woman says: "Let's play a game, whoever moves first loses." ”

So neither of them moved, and five seconds later the woman said, "I lost, my heart moved." ”

But the man said, "No, no, no, I lost, I was excited." ”

5. Female: No matter what you do, don't rush to get something in return! Because sowing and harvesting are not in the same season, as long as you sow seeds, there will be a harvest.

M: That's why you gave birth to my baby three years after I left?

, the son quarreled with his father and wanted to run away from home, and his father: "If you dare to step out of this house, don't recognize me as your father." ”

Son: "Dude, count you ruthless!"

2. Take your four-year-old daughter to travel during the summer vacation, scenic spots, my daughter suddenly felt anxious, and hurriedly took her to find a toilet, my daughter couldn't hold it back, so she began to pee on the side of the road, I looked back and saw her and hurriedly stopped, and blamed: "How do you usually teach you, how can you urinate everywhere so unqualified?"

The daughter was aggrieved: "I really can't hold it back, besides, others won't talk about me when they see it, they will only say that the child's parents are too unqualified, how can they teach the child to defecate anywhere!"

I...

3. Take my 5-year-old daughter to recognize words, true and false, she knows the real words, and she thinks about the fake words for a long time, I reminded her: "What will be true in this world?"

Returning the gesture, she immediately realized and said: "I know, read the line word, there is a needle and a thread, right, Dad!"

4. There is an idiom in my daughter's Chinese homework called lonely palm, what does it mean to ask me?

I said that what I meant was that the palm of the hand didn't make a sound, and she argued: Why can't it be beaten?

I said you try? You think she's going to slap me? No, she snapped her fingers...

I was speechless in shock.

5. I went to pick up my little nephew in the third grade from school, and bought two strings of sugar gourds, one for my little nephew, and the other for myself to relive my childhood memories!

As soon as my little nephew saw me, he said, "Uncle is so good!" He snatched both strings and gave them to the female classmate next to him!

Seeing that I was a little unhappy, the little nephew said to the female classmate, "Didn't your aunt just graduate from college?"

I...

6. The taxi driver was about to leave, and the lady who took the taxi just now ran back and shouted, "Master, wait a minute! ”

The master handed the bag to the lady, and when she left again, the lady chased after her and shouted, "Wait a minute!"

The master said impatiently, "What's the matter?"

The lady said, "My luggage is still in the trunk!"

When the lady left, the master breathed a sigh of relief and started the car.

At this time, the little girl sitting in the back said, "Uncle, can you wait a little longer? ”

My sister-in-law is beautiful, but her personality is a bit domineering, and she says everything at home, and her brother obeys her words.

In the evening, the little nephew was not good at doing his homework, so the sister-in-law taught him: Look at your father, he looks stumbling and has no money, why did his mother marry him? You study hard, grow your skills, and marry a beautiful daughter-in-law like your mother in the future!

The little nephew looked at his sister-in-law in horror, gritted his teeth, and threw the book aside: "Don't read it!

2. At dinner, I told my wife: "With that little money every month, I can't afford to smoke anymore." ”

The son silently put down the dishes and chopsticks and walked into the room, and when he came out, he held a box in his hand, which contained the money he had saved, one and five yuan......

I burst into tears, and then I heard him say, "Mom, it's better for you to keep it safe." ”

3. When I was a child, I once dismantled the toys my father bought for me.

Dad was about to beat me, Mom whispered: Don't hit the child, I heard that inventors were like this when they were young.

After that, every time I dismantled the toy, my father not only scolded me, but also praised me.

Until one time, he saw me smashing his watch with a brick at the door, and said with an aggrieved face: I can't open it...

After a violent beating, a future inventor died like this...

4. It's already nine o'clock in the evening, but my daughter has no sleep. I said to my daughter, "Sleep, if you don't sleep, you won't grow tall!"

My daughter smiled and said to me, "Mom, you've grown so big and tall, why are you still sleeping!"

I...

5. Quarrel with my wife and ignore me... So I wanted my 4-year-old son to coax his mother, but the little guy came directly: "You don't dare to go, let me go!

I... 1. One day, the father saw his son bring back a portrait from kindergarten, so he asked his son, "Who is this painting?"

The son said proudly, "This is Mommy." ”

When Dad heard this, he joked with him, "It's so ugly, it doesn't look like Mom at all." ”

The son explained earnestly: "I'll have to put on makeup for her later." ”