On a blind date, I told the girl that my job was to work with animals, and I said, "That sounds so loving, do you work at the zoo?"

Me: "Slaughterhouse." ”

5. I saw a poster today that reads: "Millions of children die of malaria every day in Africa, and all it takes is a mosquito net to prevent this tragedy." By donating three pounds, the price of a sandwich, you can save a life. ”

Seeing this, I couldn't help but fall into deep thought:

A broken sandwich costs three pounds?

6. Friend: "Amazing! I heard that a person surnamed Liu, who is over half a hundred years old, has almost a relationship with all the women in Dream of Red Mansions!"

Me: "Fuck who?"

Friend: "Grandma Liu." ”

7. Today's college students, their hearts are higher than the sky, their lives are thinner than paper, and they have been studying hard for more than ten years, but they bend their waists for dozens of dollars.

Thinking of this, I put down the high school exam paper in my hand and shook my head helplessly at the invigilating college students...

On the pedestrian street, a man and a woman came to a fortune-telling booth and said, "Count the relationship between me and my husband." ”

The fortune teller looked at the two, pondered for a moment, and said, "With all due respect, the relationship between you and your husband has come to an end, and there is no need to force it any longer. ”

The woman breathed a sigh of relief, grabbed the man's arm tightly, and said softly: "Hear it, honey, let's be together, I'll divorce my husband when I go back." ”

2. Just after making out with my husband, I was silent for a while and said, "You don't love me anymore!" and then started crying!

My husband hurriedly asked, "What's wrong, why do you say that?"

I said, "You hugged me after making out before! Rest for a while, you don't hug me for a while!"

My husband's temper came up: "The exercise is so intense, I am sweating, hugging you, you are not afraid of prickly heat!"

I kicked him under the bed and said, "No one else is afraid of heat, but you are afraid of heat...

And then he was upset, and I ... Am I saying something wrong ...

3. I just answered a phone call: "Wife, I paid my salary today, let's go to have a big dinner in the evening, and buy you a few sets of clothes by the way, Qixi Festival is coming, the pendant you saw last time and bought it together, don't save anymore, make money for you to spend, love you... ”

Holding back the tears of emotion, he told him: You. Beat. Wrong. Electricity. Speech. Finish...

Whose husband is this?

4. Men and women go on a blind date, they have a good impression of each other, and the woman says: "Let's play a game, whoever moves first loses." ”

So neither of them moved, and five seconds later the woman said, "I lost, my heart moved." ”

But the man said, "No, no, no, I lost, I was excited." ”

5. Female: No matter what you do, don't rush to get something in return! Because sowing and harvesting are not in the same season, as long as you sow seeds, there will be a harvest.

M: That's why you gave birth to my baby three years after I left?

1. I went swimming with my son, and my son looked at me and said, "Mom, I finally know why you can swim, I only have one swimming ring on me, and you have three!"

I...

2. My son came to me and said: Dad, our teacher said that he was going to tutor tomorrow and would pay 100 yuan of Q coins, I looked at the glory of the king in his mobile phone and fell into deep contemplation. . .

3. I saw two children fighting today, and the younger one was beaten and cried, and said unconvinced: "You are 9 years old and I am 6 years old this year, I can't beat you, wait until you are 90 years old and I will fight again when I am 60 years old." ”

I... Lost in deep thought ...

4. When my wife and daughter came back from shopping, my wife said to me coquettishly: "It's hot baby!"

I quickly took a piece of iced watermelon from the refrigerator and handed it to my wife, and my daughter saw it on the side, and said aggrievedly: "I'm the baby, okay... ”

5. My brother wants to buy another suite, but my sister-in-law said that there is a lot of pressure to repay the loan every month, so forget it!

My brother said, it's a big deal, let's spend less every month, no, from next month, I ride my bike to work, no more driving!

The little nephew took out his storage jar from the room: Ma Ma, I still have more than 20 yuan here, you can take it to pay the down payment!

I'll go... How much do you want to go to school!!

1. My sister-in-law is beautiful, but her personality is a bit domineering, and she says everything at home, and her brother obeys her words.

In the evening, the little nephew was not good at doing his homework, so the sister-in-law taught him: Look at your father, he looks stumbling and has no money, why did his mother marry him? You study hard, grow your skills, and marry a beautiful daughter-in-law like your mother in the future!

The little nephew looked at his sister-in-law in horror, gritted his teeth, and threw the book aside: "Don't read it!

2. At dinner, I told my wife: "With that little money every month, I can't afford to smoke anymore." ”

The son silently put down the dishes and chopsticks and walked into the room, and when he came out, he held a box in his hand, which contained the money he had saved, one and five yuan......

I burst into tears, and then I heard him say, "Mom, it's better for you to keep it safe." ”

3. When I was a child, I once dismantled the toys my father bought for me.

Dad was about to beat me, Mom whispered: Don't hit the child, I heard that inventors were like this when they were young.

After that, every time I dismantled the toy, my father not only scolded me, but also praised me.

Until one time, he saw me smashing his watch with a brick at the door, and said with an aggrieved face: I can't open it...

After a violent beating, a future inventor died like this...

4. It's already nine o'clock in the evening, but my daughter has no sleep. I said to my daughter, "Sleep, if you don't sleep, you won't grow tall!"

My daughter smiled and said to me, "Mom, you've grown so big and tall, why are you still sleeping!"

I...

5. Quarrel with my wife and ignore me... So I wanted my 4-year-old son to coax his mother, but the little guy came directly: "You don't dare to go, let me go!

I...

She drank the watermelon juice, looked at the squeezed watermelon dregs and said to me: Dad, you eat meat, I'll drink soup!

I#!$%^#$!*#

2. My parents went out for a few days and asked me to take my sister at home.

I didn't expect them to come back early, and the mess at home was not cleaned up...

Mom was furious, and scolded while cleaning up: I'll beat you to death in a while!

When she received the kitchen, she was half angry and said: I don't see you washing the dishes so cleanly, I have to kill you today!

My sister came and said: Mom, my brother is not allowed to use a bowl these days, and he eats it in the pot. . .