I was in the hospital for many days.

In the beginning, my parents and wife would come to visit me in the hospital every day. They would talk to me about things that I didn't remember at all. It made me feel a little embarrassed. Later, they began to alternate in the ICU. The three of them alternated, occasionally sharing the latest news and stories with me during the short hour-long visit. And then ...... They started coming every other day. And when he speaks, he obviously feels a little impatient.

I can probably guess that something is wrong with the family's financial situation.

"Living here, the cost of treatment, it's expensive. Dr. Sun has also been showing up less frequently lately, and he seems to be tired – the doctor seems to have not rested much in recent days, and his face is covered in stubble.

"It's not cheap. Dr. Sun sighed and pointed to the screen in front of me, "This set of equipment just to make you able to speak is worth hundreds of thousands. The cost of other treatments is also high...... On average, your daily expenses are tens of thousands. ”

I blinked, a little incredulous. I know that the cost of the intensive care unit is high. But I didn't expect the cost to be so high.

Speaking of which...... Did I live in the ICU for more than ten days?

Although I don't remember a lot of things, I want to have a brain surgery, a leg surgery, just a dozen or so MRI examinations that I have an impression, plus more than ten days of intensive care unit treatment, how can this not cost one or two million?

I turned out to have so much money?

It turns out that there is ...... I'm afraid not anymore, right?

Dr. Sun left, and my wife walked in. Her face looked very bad, as if she had suffered a lot of sin.

"You, look, very tired, look, look. "Ten days of eyeball typing has made me speak a lot faster. Compared to the feeling of panting before, it still sounds "mechanical", but at least I can listen to it.

"I haven't slept well lately. She smiled at me, but still reluctantly. "How are you today?"

"The same old way. "I wanted to sigh and accentuate my tone, but I couldn't do it at all. "You, aren't you, out of money?"

She looked stunned, and then shook her head in a bit of a panic, "How come, there is nothing to do, don't think about it!"

Well...... It's true that there is no money left. My head was deliberately tilted slightly to the left by the nurses so that I could see all of her expressions. She was stunned for a moment, and there was obvious trepidation and worry. This is obviously a manifestation of the reason that I guessed.

Sighing in my heart, I asked, "You, do you know, I'm here, Huaxing, yes, account?"

The wife's expression suddenly became sharp.

"You, don't, and I, get angry. "It seems that she doesn't know. But it's not surprising that her husband opened an account behind her back, and there must be a lot of money in it. As long as her brain is still functioning and she doesn't have a bunch of problems like I did, then she'll definitely wonder what the hell I'm doing with this account.

"Ka, in, in my desk. "Instead of trying to explain it to her by eye type, I should use my existing memory to tell her that I have no different intentions. "Password, yes, your, birthday. ”

Her expression softened suddenly. That's right, which man would set the password of the fund account he used for cheating as his wife's birthday?

"Inside, should, there are still some, money, you, take the money first, take it out, come, emergency. I said slowly, "Specifically, yes, how much, I don't remember." ”

I really don't remember how much money was in it. But I can vaguely remember that this account has been in existence for a few days - at least in the summer. Because I remember that it was an extremely hot and humid afternoon when I went to open the card. I sat in the bank's large customer area, wiped my sweat, and deliberately set my wife's birthday as a password.

"You, with the doctor, and, with Mom and Dad, talk about it. I continued, "I, now, live, here, also, no, what is the point. Yes, think about it, live, ordinary, ward, too. ”

She was stunned, as if she was ready to persuade me to give up the idea and stay in the hospital in peace.

"No, persuade. I typed quickly, "Go on, stay, there's not much point." ”

Life is like this, people always have to make some decisions at the right time. Giving up treatment is a decision. And abandoning overly aggressive treatment is also a decision.

Just lying like this for the rest of my life, I'm not reconciled. But because I'm a wasted person who needs help to move my head, I have exhausted all the money I have accumulated over the years, and even dragged down my parents and wife...... I can't bear it.

Unwilling, unbearable, and tangled together into a mess. The cut is still messy. I didn't even dare to think about whether I could have any emotion and write something amazing when I was lying in a wheelchair and being pushed to the altar of earth by my wife—I was afraid that I could only tilt my head, keep my saliva, and try to make the electronic screen that could recognize my vision let out a wail of "my neck hurts".

Although I have lost a lot of memories and can only blink and move my eyeballs up and down, I am also a person, a male, a man. I have my own self-esteem and need for dignity. I couldn't accept myself as a waste, dragging down the people I loved the most, like a slug, struggling to survive.

On the one hand, I want to live, and on the other hand, I feel that it is better to die than to live like this.

Let my wife check how much money is still in it, which is an important basis for my subsequent decision. If I have enough money, then I may try active treatment options again, such as some kind of surgery, advanced medical treatment, or even transfer to the capital, Shanghai, or even abroad. But if money is enough to alleviate their immediate needs, or to live for a short period of time, then I will refuse any further treatment.

Dr. Sun may not have known it, but I had already heard the nurses talk about my condition – I couldn't even cough and couldn't drain phlegm on my own. Without assisted suction, I would have had difficulty breathing in a very short time. As long as it is stated that no rescue is allowed before that, it should be quite fast to die.

Death is terrible, but for a man, there are some things that are more terrible than death.

Based on the food the nurses poured into my nostrils, it was probably past dinner time. In order to prevent me from starving to death, the doctors cruelly found an extremely long transparent tube inside my nose. Then every time it was time to eat, they would pour some unpalatable brown paste into the other end of the tube, a clear cylindrical tube hanging next to my face. Then I had to watch as the brown gosh slowly entered my nostrils under the force of gravity. Then down the nostrils, slowly falling into the stomach.

As for the problem of excretion after eating...... I don't want to reminisce, but to sum it up in four words, I want to die.

"I heard, do you want to go to the general ward?" Dr. Sun appeared next to my bedside, he looked at the mush in my nostrils, was stunned for a moment, and then smiled politely, "Did I disturb your meal?"

"I, now, speak, and don't use, mouth. I complained, "By the way, one, mention, eating, also, no, mouth." ”

Dr. Sun smiled and said, "If you have the kung fu to complain, it seems that you are in a good mood right now." He glanced at the top of my head again. Then he asked, "Why do you suddenly want to go to a regular ward, and are you uncomfortable living here?"

"I, this, state. I paused and continued, "Stay, in, what, place, no, important. ”

"There may be a time limit for ICU visitors, but this is the one that best suits your current situation. Dr. Sun explained to me very seriously, "You have two large wounds on your body now, and you can't move your body casually. Leaving the ICU and entering a general ward is likely to lead to serious infection, which is very dangerous. ”

Doctors all over the world are the same, trying to drink blood and make money. Although I was dissatisfied, I still did not refute it. The immovable muscles also ensured that I didn't show any signs in my face - since these doctors could put a tube in my nose, there must have been a lot of things that would make me miserable. It's better not to offend them.

"I, need, consider, problem, not only, myself. "I don't want to go into too much detail about why I'm going to the general ward. It is clear to me that, no matter what, doctors will not understand and support the idea of patients giving up on treatment – how can they make money if they give up treatment?

"If you're worried about the economy, you've actually entered a relatively stable stage now. Dr. Sun tried to explain to me with a smile, "Our main direction and means now are focused on getting your wound back as quickly as possible after surgery. ”

I didn't speak, but I had mixed feelings. Now the experience is focused on surgical wound recovery, which means that the doctors have given up on treating my current state of "locked-in syndrome". Either because they don't know what caused me or because they can't do anything about what caused me to get sick.

I...... Probably hopeless.