I vividly remember that the day I left was October 3, 2007, and I left the city that carried all my memories, and I also left you who I couldn't let go of the most.

The weather was fine, the plane took off at 11:30 p.m., and I refused my sister's send-off, because I was afraid of parting, and I dragged a pink suitcase through the security checkpoint alone.

Before the implementation of the plan in the afternoon, I wanted to call Beizi Pig again, and then listen to the familiar voice one last time, but I regretted it after just two beeps on the phone. Forget it, it's all just a matter of sadness. I threw away the four-and-a-half-year-old SIM card when I boarded the plane because I was "dead" from today......

Looking down at Madrid Airport from the plane, the low buildings look very simple. There is no crowded flow of people at a domestic airport, let alone the luxury of a domestic airport, but it makes me, a person who sets foot on this land for the first time, feel a touch of home. My parents were catching up with the temporary trouble, so I had to call my friend Pablo to help pick me up, listening to Pablo's broken Chinese, my heart blossomed, but on the surface, I had to hold on to it without showing any sound.

Outside the airport is the metro station, Madrid is famous for its well-developed metro lines, with clear subway signs and very user-friendly platform design. Pablo bought a ticket and went, and I was afraid that I would get lost if I wasn't careful, so I had to stand aside and wait at a loss, and then watch all kinds of people walk past me. Those pedestrians were only in a hurry, but they were not at all curious about me, a yellow-skinned and black-eyed "foreigner".

Pablo dropped me off at home and went back without even entering the door. When I asked where my room was, I plunged into it and fell asleep. The next day, stay at home, sleep when you are full, and eat when you are full. Since my parents settled in Spain after graduating from primary school, I haven't felt the joy of a family of three for a long time, and I haven't tasted the delicious food made by my mother again.

On the 7th, I was going to the hospital for a physical examination, and my father specially put down his business to accompany me to visit Madrid, which is a city that is quite suitable for walking and roaming, holding Dad's arm, from the Puerta del Sol to the Plaza de la Siberes, until the Royal Palace, along the way are full of tourists gathering to enjoy browsing the monuments. After lunch, we went to the famous Plaza de España in Madrid, looking at the statue of Cervantes standing in the center of the square, and the Torre de Madrid built in the forties of the last century.

The next day, my dad drove me to Mostoles Hospital for a lab test.

I waited in line for a long time, but I was told by the doctor that today's time has passed, let's come back before 9 o'clock tomorrow. I had no choice but to turn around and go downstairs, the hospital has planted a lot of perennial green plants, in my eyes, this should be a gray world full of plague and death, but why are the plants in front of me so green?

I was a little glad that I had escaped another day, and even though it wasn't the first time I had had a blood draw, I was still afraid of the feeling of watching something in my body being drained little by little, because it would give me a kind of depression that I couldn't grasp my fate, just like my life.

After spending two days with me, my father couldn't spare any time, so I had to ask my mother to accompany me to the hospital. The negligence of the Spanish doctors was nothing worse than in China, and after a long wait, I was given a heavy needle, a large tube of blood was removed, and then the doctor left the needle in my arm, fixed the sleeve, and told me to wait outside for the results. We waited for more than an hour for results in ten minutes, and there was always an abominable needle in our arm......

The 12th was Spain's National Day, but I didn't go to see the parade and was not in the mood. From tomorrow I will have to leave this home, which has only been a week's worth of living in, and go to a place full of white horrors, called a ward.

On that day, I was admitted to the hospital.

After completing the formalities, we received two cards, and we were told that with the cards, we could enter and leave the ward at will within 24 hours, while other family members who did not have cards could only be admitted to the hospital between 5 pm and 9 pm. The decoration of the ward is very luxurious, like a five-star hotel in China. Two beds, in addition to the bed and cupboard, each has a small closet, the room has a private bathroom, and there is a leather chaise longue next to the bed for the family to accompany the family overnight. There is a color TV in front of each of the two beds, and a pair of stereo headphones next to the bed are matched with it, so as not to affect the rest of the patients next door.

In the next bed was a little girl who looked to be only fifteen or sixteen years old, very beautiful with blonde hair and blue eyes, but very thin, and her face was terribly pale. I heard my father say that she had a very strange blood disease, and every time I turned my head to see that she was either hanging a bottle, or lying on the bed with her eyes closed.

Once when I went to the toilet, I happened to see the girl's mother pouring blood in the potty, and when I saw the big pot of blood, I suddenly had an inexplicable fear, and I didn't even dare to turn my head back, so I ran back to the bed......

This winter has always been a very dull life, in this ward full of white eyes, I ushered in the 21st spring of my life, I don't know how many springs will be waiting for me in the future, and this will be the last?

It's been a long time since I was separated from Beizi Pig, and I seem to have forgotten his face, but the freeze frame of those memories is so clear.

Suddenly remembering the tea eggs on the Yellow Mountain that year, the two people held the hot tea eggs in their hands, eating them unwillingly, and even the steam exhaled from the mouth had a faint fragrance of tea. So I deliberately asked my mother to make tea eggs at home, but it didn't taste like it was back then.

Although I was hospitalized, I felt good except for some weakness and occasional nausea and dizziness.

I don't know when I started, I became obsessed with Beizi Pig's QQ space, and I became obsessed with those sad words about me, a woman who has "died". But for me, it's just a matter of seeing, and a thousand words can only be hidden in my heart forever, and I must always remind myself that "dead people" are not allowed to lie to corpses.

I never thought that the boy who even loved me and didn't want to say more would care about me so much. I don't know how many times I've been woken up crying at night, can you forgive me, Beizi Pig. Forgive me for my selfishness, and if there is an afterlife, I will definitely compensate you.

I still remember that one evening in the first year of high school, I met you on the downhill road to the bathhouse. Probably you don't remember the girl in your life who asked for directions, and she was me.

The next day of military training, on the playground, I saw you again, and what surprised me even more was that you were in the same class as me. When I was in a military posture, I peeked at you several times, but you didn't notice it, because your eyes were always focused on a girl who was not far from me, and later I learned that the girl's name was Chu Chu.

At noon that day, you walked in line and did not shout slogans, and the instructor punished you for being the last to eat, and by the time you finished eating, the cafeteria was already empty. Seeing you standing alone by the sink looking around, I came to your side intentionally or unintentionally, and then looked at you a little shy and touched your head and asked me to borrow a dishcloth, it turned out that you were still a shy boy. Hehe, I finally heard your voice again, soft, very good.

It turns out that since then, I have been hopelessly in love with you.

You once said that you want us to be together forever, but the so-called eternity is too short, I am not your sea, and you will not be my mulberry field in the end.

On April 11, 2008, I witnessed the death of a girl who had been with me for half a year in the next bed. Despite the language barrier and the fact that we never spoke, I couldn't help but grieve as I watched the doctor slowly cover her body with a white cloth.

I couldn't see her face, so I just tried to cover my mouth with my hands, holding back the tears. After many days, I let go of my heartache and fear little by little, and I didn't know if I could survive the next winter, and the smell of death became stronger and stronger.

In fact, what I have been waiting for is just the next one, my own, a quiet death. Suddenly, without a foreshadowed end.

As the Olympics approached, my desire to return to Beijing became stronger. Since my condition has been well controlled since I was admitted to the hospital, the doctor finally approved my one-month discharge from the hospital after a consultation.

The moment I walked out of the hospital gate, I saw the blue sky that I had not seen for a long time.

On July 28, 2008, I was going home.

(2010.10.21 This chapter has been revised)