A few days after the start of the second half of my junior year of high school, the chilblain on my heel ruptured, making it very difficult to walk. On the first day, I endured severe pain during the morning run and recess run, and because I had to run three laps each time, and the shoes I wore were not suitable for running, I ran twice and had blisters on my feet.

In the next few days, I endured double severe pain—like tongues of fire licking my heels and soles, tearing skin and tendon-like pain came in waves, and I truly realized what Ling Chi was.

Maybe someone will not understand why I didn't ask for leave. The answer is simple, I don't want to please.

I can't stand to take time off work as an exception because everyone else is running. If I don't run, my strong self-esteem will not be convinced, and if I can hold on, why not run?

One more thing, I want to see how strong my mental endurance really is, and I want to know how indomitable my indomitable soul really is. However, I got my wish, and only those who have experienced it firsthand will understand the pain, and how painful it is.

Maybe it's ironic for someone who doesn't want to run in every possible way, and I still insist on it despite such severe pain, isn't it?

I was thinking, I can endure this kind of inhuman torture every day without saying a word, so what kind of suffering will I not be able to endure in the future? The answer is very clear, I am forging and tempering my personality.

On Thursday night, I suddenly dreamed of Jay, my former head of the dormitory. He and I were separated from each other in our senior year of high school, and although there was only one wall between the two classes, it was like a sea of sea between me and him. He saw me less often, and spoke to me even less.

I dreamed that he was sitting in the first row of the classroom with me, and he was sitting next to me, and we were eating together, chatting, and watching the TV next to the podium. I vividly remember that I was so happy and happy that I thought it was true.

It wasn't until I woke up that I was stunned. Everything has changed, it has become so cold and unforgiving, it has become so pale and boring, it has become so oppressive and heavy.

One word comes to mind, self-inflicted. Isn't it funny that people don't even want to pay attention to you, and you take the initiative to get in? I'm such a funny kind of person.

The head of the dormitory is gone, Shu is gone, Yan is gone, gone, it seems to be gone.

All that was left was me to sigh at the scenery occasionally, to laugh at myself at the sky, and then the falling leaves drifted down into my eyes, into my heart, and finally fell apart, and the dust settled, and fell to death like mud.

However, my fragments did not attract anyone's attention, and even if they were, they were too small to be seen.

Sadness to the extreme, low to the extreme, heartache to the extreme, my extremely optimistic self popped out.

I was supposed to be a very optimistic and positive person, but I was crushed by the invisible mountains around me, and the weight increased every day, and I was so pressed that I was bent down, and even I thought I was pessimistic, and I began to doubt myself.

On that occasion, I was walking along the campus road, and suddenly, I noticed a lonely figure that almost melted into the darkness, he limped and his breath was reserved, and I was reminded of the wounded old wolf who was dying. He sat down on a tree altar with his back to me, his body blurry.

I approached him curiously, and he suddenly spoke: "Here you are." ”

"Are you waiting for me?" I was surprised.

"Yes, because only you can see me and listen patiently to my story. "He seemed to be smiling, even though I couldn't see his face.

"At the beginning of high school, I fell in love with someone who was the first person to give me a strong heart. "So I secretly tried to get close to her, and gradually I became friends with her, at least that's what I thought."

Nine times, exactly nine times, I dreamed of her in my future dreams. One day, she deleted me from QQ, and when I added her later, I said, I was really sad when I saw you delete me. ”

She promised that she wouldn't delete me next time. I am happy. ”

"One day, I did something wrong on the spur of the moment, although I didn't think I was wrong, but the language was a little too aggressive, like listening to the rebellious psychology of my parents' nagging, arguing with my parents, and then it was fine. But I didn't expect that she deleted me again, this time with a shield. ”

"It's miserable. I said, "What happened?"

"Then I cried, but I couldn't get anything back. He said.

"Why don't you take the initiative to find out to her?" I asked.

"I can't do it. He said, "I'm afraid, I'm afraid that she will refuse, and then I will lose face even more, men are very face-saving, at least I can't tolerate a little bowing." ”

"It's also that if you can do it, do it early, and it's always easier to say than to do. I said.

"Yes, every time I see her, I will actively avoid it, run away from her sight, since she doesn't like me so much, I can only do this, I also try to forget her, but unfortunately I can't. He said.

"It's just my first love, I want to open some friends. I said.

"If I can't open it, you won't see me now. He laughed again, "I imagined that one day out of school, I was following her and a car was speeding up uncontrollably and was about to collide with her. I rushed up and pushed her away, and I was knocked over.

When she found out that it was me, she didn't care about her surprise, and desperately told me to hold on, and I struggled to open my eyes and said weakly, no, I only ask for your forgiveness, then death is enough.

So she cried, saying that it was my fault and that it was my fault, and I don't blame you, as long as you live, we will talk every day. ”

"It's a pity that this kind of thing probably happens on TV. I shook my head, "I have to say you're whimsical. ”

"I think so too. He also smiled and shook his head, "Do you think I'm stupid and naïve?"

"It's a little bit, but you're very persistent and affectionate. I said.

"What's the use of that? You look, you look at the people around you, and no one can see me, they can't hear me, they can't hear me. He pointed at the frolickers on either side.

"This is the so-called realm of loneliness, right?" I asked.

"No, it's not loneliness, it's jealousy, it's indifference, it's rejection, it's neglect, it's ...... Despair!" he stirred.

"Once, a friend of mine online updated his signature and said that he suddenly felt so sad. He said.

I replied to her in a private chat, what's the use of being sad, what happens will still happen. She said why do you say that? I said that in the end, it was myself who would be hurt. She said, "Don't I even have the qualifications to be sad? I can't even be sad? I said that being sad doesn't solve the problem.

She hehe, I said if you like to be sad and like this feeling, I didn't say it, she sent a series of goodbye emojis, saying that no one understands me.

I said that if you don't say it, who will understand, and I never hope that someone can understand me, saying that others are others after all, they can't help much, and they may gossip. She said blow and keep blowing.

I was very angry and said what to brag about? It's just a small bit of what I feel, and to put it simply, it's my perception of this life, and I understood it when I was in junior high school.

She said, "Well, all of you feel are big things, and all of mine are small things." I didn't understand, I didn't understand what she meant.

"And then?"

"I know, in fact, she was just trying to have someone to comfort her, what must have happened to my first sentence? ”

"This can't solve any problem after all, comfort is just an anesthetic, after comfort, it will hurt after all, the symptoms are not cured, and my words are hoping to directly remove the hidden danger, but unfortunately no one can understand and understand. He said.

"I've definitely experienced more sadness than the average person, because I'm sad every day, I'm sad all the time, and I don't even know I'm sad, but I'm sad. ”

"I feel the pain of heartache all the time, so I don't want her to be miserable, I am caring about her in a roundabout way, trying to make her not sad, but she can't see it, maybe she just thinks I'm talking crazy, which makes her even more sad. ”

"You're doing the right thing, you're not wrong, but have you ever thought that someone else needs an anesthetic, not a scalpel? I said meaningfully.

"Of course I do. He said, "But the anesthetic is not good, and I use it every day, and it is precisely because I am in numbness and pain every day that I don't want others to use it." ”

"Do you use it every day?" I asked.

"Hahahahaha. I'm using it right now. He laughed. Then slowly turn around.

I froze, for I was shocked to see that he had the same face as me.

February 27, 2016 diary