The sunset is so beautiful, although I have never seen it from time to time, but the scene in my heart is also profound and eye-catching. If the boy is the rising sun, then the sunset and the sunset correspond to the sinking and dying.

I think my body is still like the morning sun, but my heart is gradually approaching the sunset. No, the sunset is magnificent, and my soul is scorched black, dull and cold.

Because the light shining in the sunset is gone, and the flower that sways in the wind in the setting sun also flies away. Without these two things, the sunset is not a sunset.

I don't understand why things are the way they are.

At that time, even though I was separated by a veil, she could still see me through the veil, bloom a smile that I could see, and then said to me, "Come on!" Now, I and her are more than just a veil, the veil is gone, replaced by a black mountain.

I couldn't cross the mountain. I didn't expect that what I thought was an unbreakable friendship could be so fragile that a single thought could shatter it. They sentenced me to death, or the kind that was carried out immediately, and I couldn't even refute a word, I could only stare at them and lose their souls.

So I began to walk towards the sunset that was about to sink into the horizon, and the shadow under my feet slowly changed length, and it suddenly split into two halves, one high and one short, the high one pulled down, and the short one elongated. Until they reached the same height - the sunset suddenly disappeared, and the evening breeze was gone.

"You're here after all. Paranoid I knelt in the gloomy black water, my hair disheveled, my clothes tattered, my back bent, black chains extending from the dark sides, cuffing my open wrists.

"I shouldn't have let you out. Ten meters away, the rational me walked step by step, looking at the paranoid me and raising my eyes, "If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have lost Yan and Shu." ”

"Are you still thinking about them?" I laughed maniacally, "what's so good about them?

"You are not allowed to slander them like that. Sensely, I whispered, "You won't understand." In my world, there were only so many things, but now there are two things missing. But I understand that nothing is missing, and less is heartbreaking, and my world will cry. ”

"So what? aren't you used to these days?" I stopped laughing.

"Isn't that good? Even if you don't break up with them, with their current attitude towards you, it's not much different from breaking up, maybe meeting occasionally is the same as a stranger?"

"A woman's heart, a needle under the sea. That's a good thing to say. I sighed sensibly.

"This is what you granted. Paranoid I said.

"What?"

"This is granted by you, and if it weren't for your laxity, how could I have come out and publish that abusive article? Paranoid I said coldly.

"I know it's wrong. Rationally, I lowered my head, "Letting you out is like letting go of an angry lion, I really can't control you." ”

"Everyone has a lion in their hearts, but the timing is different, and the consequences of releasing it are different. "Paranoid I got up from the black water.

"Some people are always like this, with the new one, they forget the old. I shrugged my shoulders sensibly.

"When a man and a woman quarrel, who should admit their mistake first?" I looked into my sane eyes as I was paranoid.

"Naturally, it's a man. Sensely, I shook my head.

"I know what you mean, but I can't, and you know that I can't bear the rejection of an apology, and I'm going to take a million points of damage, but my health is only 1, minus 999,999, and it will take me 999,999 seconds, or 116 days, to make up for this pain. ”

"You're still too contrived. "At least some people must think that you are very pretentious, pretentious like a villain, who doesn't say anything on the surface, but secretly only scolds others." ”

"It's what you do, I can't do it. Rationally I frowned, "I really regret it." ”

"What's the use?" the paranoid me tilted my head and grinned, "What's the use? they're just a flower and a beam of light, and if they're gone, they're gone, and your world won't collapse without them." ”

"But it's going to be dark, it's going to be lifeless, it's going to be warm. Rationally, I said dejectedly, "I'm afraid of the dark, and as you know, I'm also afraid of the cold." ”

"Looks like you have the potential to be a neck-biting ghost. The paranoid me shook the chain violently and tempted, "How about you?" ”

"Don't you want them?" I asked sensibly.

"Miss them, jokes, why should I think about them, in their eyes, Lao Tzu is just a ridiculous grain of nerve sand!"

"If you don't want them, why are you so embarrassed?" I sneered, "Look, look at the way you look, tsk, it's ugly!"

Paranoid I was silent, and he suddenly snorted, covered his face, and trembled, and raised his head like a broken voice to let out a laugh worse than crying.

Eventually, he chuckled and said, "Really...... I don't understand you. ”

"We're one, I'm thinking, and it's impossible for you not to. Rationally, I laughed, "How does that feel?"

"Pretty good, isn't it pretty good? Anyway, my soul is already dark, and I don't feel much pain. "Paranoid me is like a rooster that has been defeated, and my voice has unconsciously become quieter.

Rationally I clapped my hands, and the scene suddenly changed, and the dark space was constructed into a dark room, with no door, only a small window open.

"The peach blossoms outside are blooming. I said softly, sanely.

"Unfortunately, none of them are yours. Paranoid me responded, "Those are peach blossoms lined with green leaves, and they belong to someone else." ”

"Yes, someone else's. Rationally, I said lightly, "I'm waiting for a peach blossom, a peach blossom that is still germinating and not bound by green leaves, she flutters in the wind and floats into this window." ”

"Daydreaming. The paranoid me laughed sarcastically, "Do you think this is possible? You can't get out of this room, all you can do is show your head as much as you can and reach out and catch the corpse of the peach blossoms flying in the sky." ”

"It's a lot of brains to talk to you. "Actually, I don't have the luxury of this, I just hope that one day I can meet the light and the flower." ”

"Speaking of which, you can't let go?" I said paranoidly, "They were so decisive and ruthless, they didn't even give you a chance to explain, they didn't treat you as a real friend at all, they lied about your feelings, and you still have a lot of nostalgia? I'm really fed up with you!"

"Don't say that about them, there's nothing wrong with them!" the sane me snorted coldly at the paranoid me, "do you need it? don't need it? don't need a reason? ”

"Self-deception, self-righteousness, self-indulgence, talking about fools like you. Paranoid I laughed wildly, "I really don't understand why you are the one who takes the initiative, I feel ashamed of you, I did it, I regret it, I have a dick? Are you very hypocritical?"

"That's enough!" I screamed at the paranoid me, "I don't have any attachment to them, I ...... I don't regret doing that, I ......"

"That's right!" said a satisfied smile to my paranoid face full of evil spirits, "We still have a common language, are we ready to take revenge on them?"

"What are you talking about? do you know what you're talking about?" I was sensible, "I never wanted to hurt them. ”

"Of course, of course, I'm not talking about that kind of revenge. Paranoid I broke free of the chain, took out a glass of peach juice, and took a shallow sip, "Your silence is the best revenge for them." ”

"If so, I don't want to be silent. Rationally, I frowned again, "No, you're setting a trap for me, telling me to take the initiative to talk to them?"

"Clever. Paranoid I drank peach juice, cut my hair and put on a new school uniform, "With you, how can I be willing to hurt them?"

"I always feel that you are talking awkwardly, as if I am out of love, and two at a time. Rationally, I rubbed my cold palms and sighed.

"What's wrong? Do you need to think about the affection between friends for so long? The friendship that can slap others to death to this level is almost the same as a man who has been in love for several years and falls out of love in an instant. "Paranoid me hit the nail on the head.

"Maybe you're right, I really shouldn't have fallen into such a deep hole, maybe it's not worth it. I said sensibly.

"It's not a question of whether it's worth it or not, it's a question of their attitude towards you. "Maybe they have forgiven you a long time ago, but they are too embarrassed or too lazy to talk to you?" Of course, this situation is extremely unlikely, otherwise why don't they add you back?"

"They probably thought I was dangerous and deliberately wanted to stay away from me. I smiled slightly wryly.

"It's me who is dangerous, not you, of course we are in the same body, and they are right to think you are dangerous. Paranoid I jumped up the window.

"Imagine the maiden of the beach, with the sun shining on her delicate face, her smile shining, her dimples red, the sea breeze blowing her hair, her feet fluttering in the sparkling water, and the water splashing, as if a pair of white wings had been attached to her back.

"Can you not be so disconnected?" my face darkened with reason.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't hold back just now. Paranoid I withdrew my distant gaze, "Life is like this, when you are in pain, you can only think about these beautiful things - you are a strong man on paper, but in reality you live like a defeated dog, don't you?"

"But what else can I do?" I sat down on the ground in despair, "The only thing I can do is to cherish the existing friendships, and they, and some of them, have not left my world." ”

"I know there was an extra pine tree in your world not long ago. Paranoid I chuckled, "He's your valued friend, isn't he?"

"He was my junior high school classmate, he transferred to another school in the third year of junior high school, and now it has been nearly three years, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that he had not forgotten me, and after learning about my suffering, he decided to come to my house to see me, I was very surprised, and of course more of course I was moved. ”

"And so the pine tree has thrived in your world, and it seems that the old love has been rekindled, even beyond the new. Paranoid me sighed, "Aren't you afraid that he will make so many new friends and shrink your position in his heart?"

"No, I can feel what he meant. Reasonably, I replied firmly.

"I've been together for the same two years, and I probably understand your answer. Paranoid me said cryptically.

"No, I don't really want to compare anything, it's very emotional, you know? I naturally keep everything that other people do to me in my heart, and I am moved from the bottom of my heart, and I don't need to express something clearly. ”

Rationally I opened the window, "Having said all this, I found that we have at least one more common goal. ”

"What?" I asked, paranoid, rather meaningfully.

"No matter whether anyone understands it or not, no matter how violent the wind and rain are, no matter how powerful the light is, no matter how hot the sky is, no matter how chaotic the rocks drill the heart, no matter how the waves roll up, billions of ice arrows pierce the marrow and splash blood. ”

"We. "The sane me looked at the paranoid me.

"We. "Paranoid me looked at the sane me.

"Will—critique...... Dark!"

"This time, you won't be able to control me like last time, will you? Paranoid me, I smiled subtly.

"I don't want to lose anything anymore. Sensely, I nodded.

"Yan, Shu, I know you can't see these words, and finally I want to say, I hope you can be happy, always so happy and not sad or distressed, I am just a passerby of you, and I will say goodbye after all when I get to the fork in the road, everything you have given me makes me very happy, thank you!"

The sane me and the paranoid me finally merged, and the resolute and serious me stared at the distant light and the flying flowers, smiled, and shook my hand solemnly at them.

March 12, 2016 diary

I didn't want to mention them anymore. But I have to mention it, because in recent months, I have been dreaming about Yan and Shu repeatedly. Either dream of Yan, or dream of Shu, or dream together. There have been more than ten times.

Every time I dream of them, it's a beautiful time.

Shu sat right next to me, and Yan was in front of me. My main perspective is Shu.

I turned my head, and she turned her head at the same time.

I said, forgive me.

She said, well, forgive you. Her eyes were big, watery, and lovely.

I turned my head, my heart full of excitement, thinking that since Shu forgave me, then Yan should also forgive me, right?

Then I thought of another question, they should unblock me, right? Just when I was about to ask again, I woke up from a dream.

I dreamed that Yan was sitting right in front of me, and she was facing me and doing her language papers on a table. I didn't know what was going on, but she suddenly appeared in front of me. The scene seemed to jump out of nowhere, but I didn't think anything was wrong.

She was doing the test papers, thinking about the questions. Somehow, memories were involved.

I said that some of my memories have disappeared, it has become memories, and that is really the saddest thing for me. I don't remember what I said, but I remember that what I said was like the sigh of a dying old man, very subtle, very meaningful, very heavy.

She also seemed to realize what I was trying to say, and seemed to ask me something, and I forgot what I answered.

Finally, she and I chatted about QQ on our phones again. She seemed to understand me, too, and she smiled cutely. The dream woke up again.

......

Every time, I wake up with a smile in my dream, but I am sad. Speechless.

This is probably the best portrayal of my life, right?

I don't know if they have dreamed of me? I guess I'm thinking too much.

Continued April 10, 2016

This is a state of unity between nature and man, which is the power of nature. I didn't dare to move, because if I did, I would be forced to quit this realm. I only dare to roll my eyes or open my palms, as if I merge into the heavens and the earth.

I finally realized what it means to be supreme, to be tolerant of everything that can be tolerated. I began to wonder why I was fascinated by a ray of light, because her vitality and aura were like an elf.

And what I lack is this kind of thing, what I am after, something that is essential. That day, I inexplicably said sorry to her, and even she felt inexplicable.

Now, it has been verified: stay away from me - the weight of that sentence has obviously not been taken seriously enough by her. I admit that some of my mistakes are inadequate, and even thinkers make mistakes sometimes.

But I did not receive the tolerance and understanding I deserved. In this regard, all I can do is look at the common people with gloomy eyes.

I dreamed of them again. In my dreams, I kept praising Shu, you are very smart, beautiful, cute, lively, and very-

But, wait a minute, have you forgotten one thing, we've -

It's broken!, Yan next to him, continued.

I smiled wryly, okay, then give me a chance? I hugged Shu, and I swore it was the first time I had such an intimate encounter with her in a dream. And she didn't even move, and seemed to think of me as a girl.

I'm spoiling her, give me a chance, okay-

After the dream was shattered, I was speechless again.

I once asked Yan and Shu such a question on QQ: Do you think I am an unreasonable, cowardly, and extreme person?

Their answers were all decent, and without exception they disagreed. Now, I'm afraid there is already a trend of recognition, right? I'm sorry to let you see the truest side of me, but also the most terrifying side.

Kafka said that writers should be absolutely honest and open everything until they can't.

Now, I've done it, people, but it's gone.

I can probably understand Kafka's loneliness.

In fact, I suddenly felt that I was really powerful, and when I was angry, I could make two true friends so angry that I broke off my friendship directly, and I didn't even leave a word, only a few dreams left.

Continued on April 22, 2016