The holidays are still as boring as ever. When there is no video to watch, when the novel hurts in the eyes, when the game feels wasted and I don't want to play, and when the homework is completed and I don't want to do more, I don't know what to do.

Maybe just stare at the air for a while, and then think about it...... Imagination blank.

I finally understood why I felt lonely all the time, because I didn't care about anything that normal people should be interested in, and then I didn't say anything, just looked silently around a corner and left.

What was it like for me at that time? It seemed to be numb and indifferent, right? Maybe I didn't know what to do, and I felt like I had lost my soul. Where is my soul? In my heart? Probably yes!

When I was silent, my soul was sealed there, and I froze and fell into the deep sea in a depressed state, and the sun could not shine in.

Last Wednesday night, I tossed and turned, and for some reason, I always woke up halfway through my dreams, generally speaking, one night is enough for me to wake up three or four times, and every time I wake up, I feel that time flies so slowly, and it is not yet dawn.

Then I daydreamed that I was at home, imagining that everything in the dream was real, the reality was illusory, imagining a group of people circling around me, Yan and Shu holding my hand and laughing and dancing.

The noise of the countless buzzing sounds made my heart numb, and I nervously twitched my body, clutching my heart, afraid that it would stop beating at any moment.

Who knows? Who knows? Why am I me? Why did I have this fate?

Then I dreamed that I was in a white world, and I wrote an essay on the topic of the taste of stupidity. When Mr. Li read my essay aloud, everyone laughed.

It was an undisguised sneer, and I was stunned by the laughter, and I really couldn't understand why my terrible essay was read. I also forgot what kind of language it was, it seems to be extreme?

But I saw that Yan was not smiling, she poked her face out among the students, it was a concerned face, she just looked at me like this, wanted to say something, but after all, she didn't say it, she was silent.

I looked at her too, and then my mood suddenly improved, and just as I was about to laugh at her and say that I was okay, my dream shattered. In the middle of the wandering, I muttered to myself, muttering that it was all false, not true.

I clearly understood that I was hoping it was true, even if the whole world was watching my jokes, as long as the people I cared about weren't laughing, then I was satisfied.

All kinds of weird dreams give me a kind of delusion, and I hope they all come true, isn't there some prophetic dream?

I used to think that I had a special ability to prophesy, and then I cursed all those who bullied me, but unfortunately none of them worked. Weird is still weird after all, it can't come true, in fact, I can't think of how that stupid taste was written, I don't have a clue.

It's like I'm being so stupid, or is it trying to be stupid? Maybe it's all there, but it doesn't matter.

I really admire Mr. Lu Xun. Why do you say that? Just last Wednesday night, in my last second dream, I actually dreamed of Lu Xun.

He lived. There was darkness all around.

He sat on the rocking chair and shook it, holding a book in his hand, as if he was picking up flowers in the morning? At that time, I didn't realize that Lu Xun was no longer there, and I asked Lu Xun, did you look at the works you wrote when you were old? Lu Xun replied yes, and there seemed to be helplessness in his tone.

Why don't you look at other people's work? Lu Xun was stunned and said, "Who's the others?"

I thought for a few seconds, my brain racing, and then I said a name: Lao She.

I can't remember Mr. Lu Xun's expression, he didn't make any movements, he was still looking at his works, I suddenly felt lonely, and I woke up from my dream.

I also wonder why I can't think of other authors, but I pop up with an old house. Maybe it's because I've seen his camel Xiangzi, and then I don't read it anymore because I'm a little bored, or is he the person I admire the most besides Lu Xun? But I don't think so myself.

My family said that they wanted me to be admitted to the undergraduate program, and I got tired of hearing the words they wanted me to work hard, over and over again. If I was admitted to a junior college, I would still have to go to undergraduate school. I suddenly felt that life is so confusing, what about being admitted to undergraduate?

I am so poor at English, can I get a diploma through CET-4? I don't have much interest in English, what should I do after that? I still can't pass the exam even after I work hard? I can't pass the exam even if I live or die? So God laughed and said no way, that's how your life is.

But I'm not convinced. I'm not convinced. But I don't want to memorize English books all day long, with my distracted and stupid skills, it is comparable to Jiuyang Divine Skill.

Before a word is memorized, you may be thinking about life, and then after thinking about life, you will think nonsense, and when all the logic is chaotic, the brain will be in a state of death, and there will be nothing.

Time stood still in my mind, and my mind froze and became tired. It's like the dark clouds in the sky, trying to hold back something, and before there is no thunder and storm, nothing can be held back.

But where is my thunderstorm and my thunderstorm? It turns out that my dark clouds are colorless and transparent, and no matter how loud and loud the thunderstorm is, there is always no rain, and some should only be meaningless teardrops in the eye sockets, right?

I tried to convince myself, to convince myself to be happy, not to think about all this and that all the time, but there was a devil who followed me like my shadow.

He said stop being delusional, lowly wretched, you will never be happy for long! You can't laugh, you can't laugh, and even if you laugh, it will soon fade away.

And then there's an even more terrible haze, I can crush you to death, don't try to resist, I just move my toes, and you'll cry and kneel down and beg me to crush you to hell!

Actually, my first favorite song was Jackie Chan's manhood. It was very young, and there was innocence or something. When you don't understand. Although I still like this song now, I prefer Zhang Shaohan's rain and keep walking.

This kind of ethereal song fills my empty state of mind with something warm. But after listening to it too much, I became numb again.

I inexplicably want a beautiful girl to listen to my story, and I smile and nod my head while listening, saying I understand you, and I will be by your side to listen to your thoughts no matter what happens. No, is it because of adolescence that makes me feel like spring?

I didn't expect any boys to listen to my story, and I didn't bother to tell them. Because it would seem like I'm too nervous, one guy telling his story to another?

If it's a love history, they might come up and listen to it and laugh at me, but if it's a universe explosion and a view of life and the future, they will definitely scoff at it and say that you think too much.

Or maybe they didn't have to talk to me, they talked to me first, I couldn't interject, they talked about things I didn't pay attention to, so I didn't have anything to say, and I just shut up after a few words that no one answered me.

My smile didn't have much warmth, it was mostly a sneer, a cold tear open that was as tight as a barely visible crack in the ground, and you couldn't even insert the thinnest blade in the world, let alone pull it open.

I began to feel sorry for my significant other. I thought I wouldn't say a word about how I would find a girlfriend in the future, and women were all coaxed, but I would only sit next to her when she was upset, and try my best to conjure up a napkin and hand it to her.

Say don't cry, your eyes will be swollen. After that, she cried even more, slapped the napkin away and said let's break up. Then I looked at the napkin flying in the air and then at the half-open hand, squirmed a little, and watched the back go farther and farther.

I tried to chase, I tried to hold her hand and she turned around. Looking at the delicate face of the crying flower, I was silent for a long time, and finally only two dry and fragile words popped out: "Don't go." ”

I can't imagine her expression after that.

I was in a café at the time, and I never went to this kind of place, but I was here for a date. So I looked left and right as my favorite person came and sat down across from me, and the waiter handed me two cups of coffee. I didn't order it, she ordered it.

She started chatting with me with interest over her coffee. I sat obediently in my chair like a child, staring at the steaming cup of coffee and following her words without saying a word.

When she finished, she started asking me about my past. I hesitated and thought for a long time, still not knowing what to say, and kept "uh...... That ......"

She didn't seem to expect me to be so unrelenting, and she didn't know what to say when she looked at my face, which was originally serious but now funny because of embarrassment.

She finished her coffee after ten minutes, and mine didn't move until it was cold. After a few more seconds, I kept an awkward smile, but she started to play with her phone boredly, and after another ten minutes, she finally couldn't stand it anymore.

She slapped her hand the table, looked at my flustered and confused eyes condescendingly and disdainfully, and said, "Waiter, check out!"

Then she picked up her bun and hurried away without looking back.

I looked at her until the waiter's voice woke me up: "Sir, did you settle that young lady's account?"

"Oh yes. I nodded blankly. Getting up from my seat like a zombie and noticing that the cup of coffee was still not moving, I stared at it, picked it up and gulped it down, choking on my throat.

I coughed, coughed and walked out of the café, looking around at the figures, I suddenly forgot how I got here, I was lost. The place where there was a heartbeat was already empty.

This is the Nth time my parents have introduced me to the object, and it turns out that it's still like this, I'm just so useless. I laughed at myself and said, you're just a piece of waste, you can't do anything, what's the use?

I finally won a partner, but I was at a loss when she was sad, I wanted to hug her but I had nowhere to do for fear of her rejection, and I wanted to comfort her and disappeared when the words came to her mouth.

As you can imagine, when I reached for the napkin that she had slapped off, she said that she was just curious about me and wanted to see the inner workings of a person like me.

I did what she had written, and I showed what I had written on my laptop, and she read it, said what she thought, and it was gone. That's all I had to talk about with her.

She could stand it, but she couldn't bear it, and when she was upset, the man would just hand her a napkin next to her like a fool. She ended up leaving, too. The only word that was left behind: do it yourself.

Then I pulled out the note, which Yan had written to me in high school on my birthday, and the trinkets and stuff, and I didn't lose any of them. I smiled miserably, and in a fit of rage tore it in half, taking the charm out of the keychain and throwing it away.

I don't know why I remembered the past, but after a sad event, more pain poured out, and it tortured my heart endlessly. I regretted it in pain, and tried to pick up the two pieces of paper and pick up the ornaments, but I couldn't find them.

Nothing, about all that good stuff.

I remember laughing only once, when I was about twelve or thirteen years old, going to my aunt's house for dinner. My cousin and I ran up to the second floor to find something to play with. But there are no computers. I looked at him boredly, and I burst out laughing.

I didn't know why I was laughing, my cousin laughed too, he probably wondered why I was laughing, I watched him laugh and laughed harder, he looked at me and laughed harder.

The two of us laughed wildly, laughing so much that we rolled on the floor with each other, and then hugged our stomachs, because we both laughed so hard that we didn't want to laugh anymore, but we still couldn't help but want to laugh. In the end, it was easy to stop laughing.

Now that I think about it, there was no reason why I could laugh for so long that it caused a chain reaction, and even my cousin laughed inexplicably for a long time with me.

It was so terrible that if he and I couldn't stop laughing at that time, maybe tomorrow there would be a news story about two boys dying in a room one night in a certain place.

It sounds like nonsense, it's true, otherwise I wouldn't have been so impressed, could it be that I laughed all my laughs all my life after that laugh? It was meaningless and gone? That's tragic enough, I thought.

I was very depressed, and I rarely wanted to find someone with a personality that was diametrically opposed to my own to improve myself, but others were not interested in wooden people like me, they were only interested in their peers.

I want to say to them to continue, you guys go on, I move between the topic of boys and girls, neither advance nor backward. In junior high school, I at least had a sense of existence, even if it was the presence of being bullied, I was very painful, but it was a kind of existence, much better than air.

But if you don't speak, why should others take the initiative to pay attention to you? You are not handsome, you have no temperament, you have no emotional intelligence, you have no grades, you have no height, and you have no ...... In short, three words, waste wood! It's still the kind that can be broken with one foot!

That's the use of waste firewood.

I asked you if you were so afraid of me, who said that you could only talk to me? and then a couple of the girls thought about it, and said seriously, that they were not afraid of you than the disgusting, wriggling, hairy caterpillar that crawled on top of them all day.

In an instant, my expression was as wonderful as if I had eaten a hundred caterpillars.

I was relieved and forced to do so, because I couldn't change it. The chains in the underworld are too small for me alone.

I always want to break it but always hurt myself, even if it is covered in bruises, I ...... Didn't I get up again and again? Am I tired of dragging that lonely, tired, unintelligible shadow to bear the erosion of the devil one by one?

I heard the call of heaven, the singing of angels, and the crying and roaring mixed with hell, the cries of people from all walks of life, the blood boiled over and over again, but the heart never boiled, the doctors injected it with stimulants, it did not move, God gave it the warmth of the sun, it did not move.

Because, it seems to be almost dead.

March 5, 2016 diary