In fact, there are many people I would like to thank besides my family.

Including Yan, Xiao, Shu, and Shi, all of them are people I want to thank.

Yes, as long as there are people who can make me feel a little bit of presence or emotion, I will remember them.

An actor on TV, the author of a novel, a teacher at school, a classmate...... They are all the ones I want to thank you for.

Why? Because they all gave me a glimmer of warmth, even if it was just a little bit, no matter how much they didn't care, even if they made me sad and depressed for a while—I still remember it.

Here, I would like to give an extra thank you to a girl surnamed Chen and Xu, who are my classmates in the second year of high school, and they are usually good friends with Shu.

Yes, I want to thank them, even though I pass by them like a stranger every time, they say hello to me almost every time. Most of the time, I just laugh it off or whisper a "hi".

They shouldn't have heard, and my voice was always low.

I knew they were just saying a few words to me out of sheer casualness, but it sounded to me as an affirmation of my existence. But I couldn't react to that.

I feel guilty, I feel sorry for them, I'm afraid that if I continue to be indifferent, will they ignore me? They may also find such one-sided greetings boring, right? But what can I say? What can I do that is meaningful?

I can't change that.

I've always been cold to festivals.

When I saw the gift given to Yan by the head of the dormitory, I thought it was really naïve: Do you have to use material things to satisfy the expression of liking someone? If you give gifts, why wait until the holidays? Shouldn't it be a festival every day when you like each other? Is there such a weight in holiday gift-giving? This makes me feel very fake.

Although I admit that there is a bit of a single dog sour in it.

Perhaps, this is indeed a good way to pick up girls, but unfortunately, I am destined to be a person who will not be liked.

I never paid attention to any festivals, except for some major festivals that I was well known about. Therefore, I am at odds with the convention that should be so. In other words, I don't chase girls.

I think some people have noticed that I seem to only pay attention to the communication of girls, and not much to the communication between boys.

Why?

First, school bullying, the guys who bullied me in kindergarten, elementary school, and junior high school gave me enough shadows. Second, none of them put me in the position of a friend at all, they only talked to the people they could talk to, and as for me, they just said a few words and threw me aside. I can't talk to them, and I'm not interested in what they talk about. To use an analogy, it's like an adult watching a cartoon.

Their friends are there, there, there, but never mine.

And my current situation can be said to be the surrounding environment, or it can be said that I have created it single-handedly.

Who can blame?

That's how it should be.

I can't do it on my own, unless I have someone in my life who can change me, and that kind of person......

And in what corner of the world?

Where is he/she?

Diary of November 14, 2015