Jin always has a headache and sleeps during the day, although the newly opened mirtazapine tablets are only eaten in half, so that Jin Zi does not have to wait for the dawn with his eyes open all night, but the ensuing side effects are also very obvious, the first day I ate the gold and woke up the whole person really became gold, and the whole body was yellow, because mirtazapine tablets would affect people's liver and kidney function, so jaundice was only one of the side effects, and Jin Zi could only stop the drug and continue to enjoy insomnia. Citalopram tablets are considered a daily medication, and Jinzi's body has passed the period of side effects caused by taking this medicine. Jin Zi didn't look carefully when he went to recheck the registration this time, the doctor is the main treatment of schizophrenia in the male area, and his speech was also very direct and rude, Jin Zi proposed to recheck the brain transmitter power test, the doctor thought it was not necessary, and simply persuaded a few words, saying: "Parents must have the greatest love for their children, you have to understand them more, they don't contact you, you can take the initiative to contact them, why don't you contact them?" Jin Zi could only helplessly answer: "Maybe every family has its own situation." The doctor stopped his speech and asked Kaneko why he had to do another examination, and Kaneko said, "I'm afraid I'm going to get better." The doctor asked, "Isn't it a good thing to be okay, why are you afraid? Is it because you are afraid that your family will not care about you so much?" Jin Zi did not deny it, but she knew in her heart that the depression diagnosis was her shield, she could shrink behind this illness and not face those false friendships, and others would not think that she was emotional, but because she was sick, depression was the best excuse for her to let go of her psychological burden, and Jin Zi even hoped that her illness would not be good for the rest of her life.

The doctor opened the checklist at the insistence of Jinzi, and the gold took the checklist to do the examination, the person was sitting in a relatively dark room, and then the inspector would come to you and bring you an elastic rubber hat, which would be linked to a lot of metal heads, and the inspectors would connect the metal head with the wire of the host after disinfection with an alcohol swab at the corresponding position of the head, and let the gold close his eyes, the whole test took 20 minutes, the principle may be to stimulate the brain through microcurrent, and then the host will analyze the response power given by the brain, although the brain transmitter detection only makes an auxiliary report, but can analyze the current work of the patient's brainAfter the test, Jin Zi took the report, and the above power was still all reduced, but the value of serotonin has reached the standard slightly, before the brain inhibition function was insufficient, and now the brain excitatory function is insufficient, the doctor said to Jin Zi after seeing it: "Then you are really not well, go back and take medicine, depression is a high recurrence of the disease, and you will continue to take medicine for another year after you are completely cured." ”

The re-examination was accompanied by Jin Zi one by one, and they also saw a patient who was mentally ill at first glance in the patient waiting area, he was very anxious to crawl on the ground, and said to his parents who accompanied him that he was dying, and Yiyi also had an intuitive concept of mental illness for the first time, Jin Zi was afraid of being scared one by one, and said to her: "Most mental patients can control themselves, and those who can't control themselves are very serious, and this kind of neurosis will die if they run out by themselves." One by one, saying that this kind of person is very pitiful, Kaneko thought silently in her heart, hoping that she would not become such a "psychopath", although now she is also a member of the mentally ill army.

When Kaneko was a child, she saw some sick people, she would walk to and from school every day when she stayed at her second aunt's house, and there was a family in the middle of the alley where a sick person lived, Kaneko knew that he was sick, because he looked sick, his face was yellow and thin and there was no hair, he always lay on the bed by the window and looked out the window in a daze, and sometimes stood at the door with his knees, Kaneko was not afraid of him, but gave birth to a lot of sympathy, and every day when he passed by this window, he would wave his hand to the person lying inside, and he also stretched out his arm like a hemp pole and waved his hand at Jinzi, the relationship between the two people is like a strange friend, as long as they see each other exist, There is no need for substantive communication, and Kaneko doesn't know what kind of illness he has, but sincerely hopes that he can live and live longer.

In fact, now that I think about it, it is a kind of torture to live for a long time when I am seriously ill, is it really better to die than to live?

Jin Zi also left terrible memories in that alley, she went out very early that morning, and when she was about to arrive at the door of the sick man's house, Jin Zi saw a disheveled man walking on the opposite side, his hair was messy, and his shoes were not clean, he looked at Jin Zi with that kind of squinting eyes, and said some foul language in his mouth, and exposed his lower body to Jin Zi, Jin Zi hurriedly approached the side of the wall, and walked out of the alley with his head down, she didn't know if the patient would see this scene so early, and if he could help her, anyway, when he arrived at school, he heard that many classmates who took that road also encountered this pervertSo Kaneko shuddered every morning when he went to school. After about a month, Jin Zi saw that person again in the distance one morning, she pulled her legs and ran, but she didn't expect the pervert to run after her, and touched the position of Jin Zi through the lower body of his pants with his hand, Jin Zi was very frightened, and only heard the man jokingly say: "So fat, so fat." Jin Zi felt extremely humiliated, she didn't dare to call the police, and she didn't have a chance to tell her family about it, she just hoped that the patient could rush out to save him, and the two of them could defeat this pervert, Jin Zi could only comfort herself by relying on the fantasy in her mind, she flew up and kicked the pervert, making him kneel on the ground and scream, and never dared to harass the girl who passed by, but this was just Jinzi's fantasy, she felt that she was extremely guilty in reality. At that time, she saw a cartoon on TV, which had a seven-colored flower, and each petal would fulfill a wish, and she had gone to the green belt to find this kind of flower, but the Gesang flowers with similar shapes were all single-colored, and the wish did not work, so she could only give up in frustration.

Orange's wedding date is approaching, and Jin Zi has also bought a ticket back, because it is far away, so it takes three trips back and forth, Jin Zi is going to stay at home for a night, and then go to Orange's house for one night, and return after the wedding, she doesn't want to face more embarrassing anger, now she is not good at performing a harmonious family, so she can only keep a safe distance between herself and her parents, so that they can get along more at ease, but it caused a storm.

Jin Zi sent screenshots of the itinerary to his father and mother, and his father replied after a while that he would pick her up when the time came, and his mother was not so peaceful, she asked Jin Zi why he only stayed at home for so many days, and Jin Zi could only use it to come back to see a doctor and prevaricate, and his mother asked why he didn't change the ticket back early, Jin Zi said that it was not easy to change the ticket back and forth, it was too troublesome, and his mother replied because he didn't want to see her, and Jin Zi could only reply: I don't want you to be angry, and the distance produces beauty. This is a powder keg lit.

Mother said to Jinzi: "Forget it, what are you angry with, one doesn't treat her as a wife, the other doesn't treat her as a mother, and I figured out that only my own good is the most important thing." Jin Zi suppressed his emotions and replied to his mother: It's good to open it if you want to. Mom continued: Find a class by yourself, women still have to be financially independent to be affordable, and the money will have to be calculated and spent after the family can't control you. Jin Zi's heart felt like something had been punctured, she hated this attitude, as if an ice pick was wantonly exuding cool air in her heart, and she couldn't say anything angry to her mother, so she could only reply: Got it. Mom continued to complain that she would stay for two days after a toss. She was really, really wondering, could it be that the contradiction only left a pimple in her heart, and everyone else disappeared. She put down her phone, her heart felt like she had been pierced by countless thorns, she knew her mother, she could use very practical and heart-piercing words to hurt others coldly, and her father always had an official answer, which made people always feel very unkind, her depression accumulated to the extreme, and a voice echoed in her head: "Cut it, cut it." She went to the kitchen by surprise, picked up the knife and cut it on her wrist, but she didn't cut it a few times, then the gold was a little low blood sugar, she was dizzy and went back to the sofa to lie down, and felt a little better and got up again to continue cutting, and finally went to the dresser on the balcony to change the sharp eyebrow razor, or this kind of light knife is easy to use, Jin Zi thought.

Drops of blood came out, and Jin Zi instantly felt extremely relaxed, she laughed unconsciously, and then turned to go to the bathroom to take a shower. Zhang Shi also came home after a while, he should have rested today, because there were customers who picked up the car, he hurried to work, and when he came home and saw the sluggish gold, his first reaction was whether the gold received a call from whom, looked through the phone and there was no strange call record, the gold turned out the chat record to show him, she wanted to get some comfort from Zhang Shi, but Zhang Shi felt that there was nothing wrong, he saw the injury on the hand of the gold was even more angry, and asked the gold: "Do you want to die?" Then I went to the computer in the second bedroom with a displeased face and went to work. As Kaneko lay on the couch, her head hurting like it was about to explode, and another voice came to her and said, "Jump, jump." She looked for the voice, changed her clothes and walked out of the house, and walked to the window on the sixth floor, Zhang Shi heard the sound and hurriedly chased it out, looked downstairs and saw no one, hurriedly turned back and ran upstairs, and dragged the gold standing at the window back home.

It was a typhoon day, the wind blew the golden hair fluttering, the trees downstairs were also swaying wantonly, the clouds in the sky were pressed very low, tightly arranged on people's heads, gold looked down at the downstairs, afraid that this height would not kill people, and accidentally fell on the platform at the door of the unit, and when jumping a little further.

After coming back, Jin Zi was silent and did not speak, she fried a prepared steak for Zhang Shi, as well as two eggs and ham, and a plate of tomato scrambled eggs, and the two of them ate in silence. Zhang Shi was still busy in front of the computer, and in the evening he wanted to go out for a cigarette, and Jin Zi went out again shortly after he went out.

Zhang Shi went out to call Jinzi's mother, he said that Jinzi's state was not very good, and he wanted his mother to call Jinzi, but he didn't know that Jinzi didn't take anything when he went out, and the phone was not answered. Gold clung to the edge of the window, and finally broke down and cried, and the emotions that had been suppressed for a long time burst out like a flood.

The mother on the other side of the phone also knew the situation, and Jin Zi didn't want to say a word to them in tears, so her mother said, "What I said was all angry words, and I just said it." Kaneko said, "I'm just a garbage can." Mom comforted Jinzi: "How can you be a garbage can, you are the child of Mom and Dad." This sentence struck the sore spot of Kaneko, and she finally vented the words that had been swirling in her head. "You treat your children like this, you are hot and cold, when you are happy, you take things to feed me, give me some money to spend, and if you are unhappy, you can ignore me for months, as if I never existed!" The mother replied, "I also know that when I was a child, I owed you something to put you at my grandmother's aunt's house, and there was no way to do it." Kaneko smiled: "There is no way, the result of no way is not that I will bear the final result, I can see how the children around me have grown up, no one is like me." Mother asked: "Who is not like you, who do you think is better off than you?" Jin Zi said: "Xiaoyan of my cousin's family, Ruoruo of my cousin's family, Jingjing's sister from my aunt's family, and Xiaoyi from my cousin's family, they have not experienced growing up like me, and they are all taken good care of by their parents." "Jin Zi can see these parents picking up their children and taking them out to play every day from the circle of friends, Xiaoyan likes Brother Ning, and her cousin and cousin-in-law also take her to chase stars, and they haven't even left their parents for more than a week. Mom said to Jinzi: "Those are just good on the surface, like your cousin's family is also a bunch of things, your cousin's family is still in debt, he still doesn't work, how can it be as good as you think." Jin Zi broke down and said: "That's why they have lived like this! They have never given up on their children! What is the situation before you will send me away, you are really desperate to give up your children, if they live without worrying about food and clothing, and take good care of the children, I have nothing to say, then you are really desperate." Jinzi's mother also said helplessly: "That's not because your family conditions were not good when you were a child, if you have money, who would be willing to give up taking care of your children." Jin Zi sneered: "Money, there is no way, it's just your excuse, no money, it can be an excuse for everything." Mom continued: "I know that you are also buying a house in Wei City for my own good, and you want us to be closer. Jin almost roared and said, "It's not my decision to buy a house at all, I can decide what you want, that's what my dad wants to buy!" Mom replied, "Yes, your dad said the same, and you didn't agree to buy it at that time." Jin Zi continued to cry and said: "It's not because of this house, it's not because of this house, our family is full of rifts, do you think we have a good relationship? Do you think we are close to each other? Do you know how the two aunts scolded me because of the house purchase, how much I trust them, I treat them as family, but what happened is not the same, as long as I have a bad relationship with you, any family relationship between me will break down, I have grown so big, I don't even have a relative to rely on, not one!" You put me at my grandmother's house, my aunt's house, they raised me, but I think they are not good because of the bad relationship between you, they are bad people, how can I have someone to trust!" Mother still wanted to appease Jin Zi and said: "Isn't it your own choice in life after that, like you chose Zhang Shi, you have to cherish your future days." Jin Zi covered his eyes with a tissue and calmly replied: " How did I get to where I am today, how many conflicts did we have in the first place, why did I want it, it was never easy to get, I didn't have any choice, I just wanted to choose to end this life, everyone should not continue to pretend and be troubled, I have been playing the role of a child of a harmonious family for too long, I look forward to an intimate and real family relationship, I hope that the relationship between the family can be eased, I pull the corners of my mouth and grin to get along with you, but it still doesn't work, you are angry and say that the past is over, how do you want me to passThe happiest picture of our family of three in my mind is that I came home from vacation in elementary school, watching Journey to the West, my father pretended to be a monster in the curtains, and you also ran around the curtains, and our family of three was smiling happily under the curtains, this is the only picture of our happiness that I can think of, how much do you think I can use it to offset the contradictions and unhappiness between us? What do I want me to do? I don't blame anyone until now, I don't blame you, because you regret it, on the night I went home after getting married and went home to set up a drink, you got drunk and said that you have another chance not to have money, to have children, I know you regret it, so I don't want to hurt you again, but Dad has not regretted it, he has not regretted it for a day, our family, just continue to live in a daze, you all have your own spiritual pillars, you have sisters, Dad has sisters, and there is work worth your efforts, since you have chosen, don't look back. The mother said, "Our spiritual pillar is the child, and I am your mother." Jin Zi pulled his hair and replied helplessly: "Please don't tie me up like this anymore, many people have children not because they like children, but because they can give birth, for the elderly, for emotional sustenance, for usefulness, for a lot of people, but not necessarily for the good of children." Jin Zi didn't want to say any more, she knew that her mother and she both knew that many things couldn't change at all now, and Jin Zi just wanted everyone to be the same as before, or no matter what happened, they could tacitly pretend that nothing had happened and continue to live a seemingly harmonious life, Jin Zi said that she was tired, and she didn't want to continue talking and hung up the phone, her mother wanted her to go home, she said that she had her own home, it was not her home, it was just Mom and Dad's home.

After hanging up the phone, Jin Zi predicted that his father would call in a while, and he used that official tone to smooth everything out. Sure enough, as Jin Zi expected, Dad said on the phone about his success learning, who should stand up and struggle in the midst of setbacks, to solve practical problems, it is the responsibility of children to pass on the ancestry, don't worry about many things, find a way to solve them. This time Kaneko didn't echo him as before, and she asked sharply, "Do you know what I like to eat?" Dad couldn't answer, and she asked again, "Then do you know what I can't eat?" Dad still couldn't answer. "What's my favorite color? "Do you think you have a good relationship with your aunt, do you trust her?" every answer of his father was in Jinzi's imagination, he said that his relationship with his aunt was not so close, and when he was a child, Grandpa Kaneko was able to manage their food and clothing, and he didn't talk to them about ideals and friendships. Jin Zi asked suspiciously: "Since I know that the relationship is not so good, and I don't believe it so much, how can I put my children in the hands of others, do you think others will be good to me?" Jin Zi knows that Dad respects his sisters, so Dad's attitude determines everything, she can't confide in her father about her experience, because after weighing the pros and cons, Dad will only let her overcome difficulties, and will not be angry for Jinzi, Jin Zi knows her family too well, Dad is also a person who is extremely responsible for his work, responsible for him to the point that he has no other mind to take care of the family, Dad is still letting Jin Zi fight in setbacks, and strive for a career that others envy, Jin Zi was stunned, she said the most true words in her heart to Dad:" Please treat me as a daughter, not as a strong woman, an employee to treat me, people have to experience setbacks, but setbacks are big and small, not everyone has to experience setbacks like me, I don't need to have an enviable career, as long as I live comfortably. Dad asked, "Then do you think you are comfortable?" Jin Zi paused and replied: "That's my own business, let's live like this as a family, don't look back." Hanging up the phone, Jin Zi knew in his heart that these words would not be of any use, their father-daughter relationship was polite on the surface, every time Dad had something to do with Jinzi, Dad would say "thank you" after it was done, and the real family didn't have to be so polite, this habit was naturally ingrained in her family, and no one could change it.

After hanging up the phone and quieting down, Zhang Shi said to Jinzi: "You are like a judge just now, indifferently judging everything, and asking questions that are also to the point. Jin Zi asked rhetorically: "Do you think Dad is very pitiful?" Zhang Shi said seriously: "No." ”

Jin Zi remembered that when he was venting to his mother that he envied Zhang Shi's family, his mother said that Zhang Shi's mother was good to Zhang Shi because he was obedient, and Jin Zi retorted: "Do you think that all mothers are good to their children because their children are obedient? Kaneko remembered that when she first returned to her hometown to go to preschool, one day she was elected as the class leader, and she happily went home and told her mother, and the neighbors heard and said, "Then you should kill a chicken and celebrate!" But Kaneko's mother was expressionless and didn't say anything, as if Kaneko had done something wrong, and since then Kaneko has known to look at the faces of adults and do things, and she always wants to make her family laugh through some funny behaviors, but this pleasure is always short-lived, and cold water often comes faster than joy.

Only Jin Zi herself knows, how long have these words been buried in her heart, she even went to learn the lines in the TV series, Minglan in the know, Ziqiu in the name of her family, she even has to vent to make a perfect performance, her illness is now, she can not eat a bite of food every day and do not feel hungry, she will be woken up by the brain at three or four o'clock in the morning and can no longer sleep, a lot of hair falls out, it is wrong to see what he does when he meets the targeted person, Jin Zi especially wants everyone to know that she is sick, before going to the sixth floor to go out, she sent a slightly desperate circle of friends: I hope that one day you will regret treating me with this attitude, no, don't regret it, just go forward。 Afterwards, because he didn't die, Jin Zi complained that Zhang Shi saved him, and now he can't end it, so he can only reply one by one that it's okay, and he doesn't waste too much tongue.

Jin Zi is sometimes angry with Zhang Shi's attitude, he never leans a little more to the gold like a fair scale, every time Jin quarrels with some brainless idiots in the owner group, even if he sees it, he won't help Jin Zi say a word, Zhang Shi is like a judge, Jin Zi even feels that if Zhang Shi can scold her with her, her mentality may not be so broken, but she also knows that this is impossible, like her relationship with her family, it can't be changed at all.

The next morning, Jin Zi knew from Zhang Shi that her mother had bought a ticket to come over the next morning, and she was anxious to let Zhang Shi tell her mother not to come, because she really felt that she didn't need any comforting actions and words now, and she didn't have the energy to deal with the relationships and things that needed to be whitewashed, so it was still not good at this time.

Time is a good thing, I remember that someone would always say to her before: "How good your parents are to you, how good your mother is to you, your father is afraid of melting in his mouth, holding you in his hand for fear of dropping." This is the time when Jin Zi feels that public opinion and wind comments are the most helpless, those words are pierced in her heart like a knife, how heartless she is, she can't feel it, she can't feel her parents' kindness to her, what should she do, in order to meet the return of children to parents in the eyes of others, in order to endure her own pain to perform, and perform a gorgeous stage play.

Jin Zi is more accustomed to watching her aunts act, I remember that once when she was in elementary school, the little aunt took her uncle home to visit relatives, everyone was at the second aunt's house for the New Year, that morning she got up late, slowly in the kitchen for breakfast, but unfortunately heard the three aunts and grandmothers in the next room talking about all kinds of bad things about their parents and their parents' bad and unfilial piety, maybe the family island in her heart at that time collapsed, and every time they get along with each other in the future, Jin Zi is like watching a drama to watch them perform a harmonious and cordial scene, including the marriage of the cousin of the third aunt's family, Kaneko wants to see with her own eyes what their acting skills can be sublimated into because of their well-educated cousin couple, and it makes Kaneko feel funny just thinking about it.

In the middle of the night, Jin Zi chatted with Zhang Shi, Jin Zi told Zhang Shi that he was a person who lived in lies, so he was very tired, and he had already made plans to die in an accidental car accident after attending all the weddings, and the compensation money was given to Zhang Shi to keep in the future, but today because he was not controlled by emotions, these absurd things happened. Zhang Shi was still very angry in his heart, he had been angry with Jin Zi before, because Jin Zi said that all the fun places she went to when she was in love were taken to her by her previous boyfriend, Jin Zi saw Zhang Shi trembling with anger, his head turned red and then calmed down, Zhang Shi just silently said to Jin Zi: "You are my wife, I am responsible for you." Kaneko joked, "If you knew these things before you got married, you wouldn't have married me." Zhang Shi said honestly: "Yes." Because Jin Zi knew that Zhang Shi's ideal type was a little princess who was pampered by his family, he had always thought that Jin Zi grew up surrounded by happiness. Jin Zi smiled, she was glad that she was married to Zhang Shi, he is indeed a kind-hearted person with a more positive outlook, Jin Zi also longs for redemption, just like Zhang Shi is her seven-colored flower, she is reluctant to use him to fulfill her wishes, but she is eager to use him to get the illusion she wants, even if the seven-colored flowers are consumed, even if these wishes will eventually come to naught.

Today's dream: In the middle of the night, Jin Zi was woken up by Zhang Shi's whining cry, she woke Zhang Shi up and asked him what was wrong, if he was having a nightmare. Zhang Shi said in a daze that he dreamed that his mother had cancer, it was a thyroid disease in the neck, some people came to the house, and his grandfather was also circling in the yard, he was at work, and he didn't go back, so he could only call the eldest sister to inquire about the news, and heard the eldest sister say that her mother's situation was very sad, so she woke up crying. Jin Zi comforted him that he missed his mother, and he had time to go home for dinner, just go and see them, Zhang Shi nodded, turned his head and fell asleep again, Jin Zi took out his mobile phone and looked through it, continuing his insomnia.