“...... I have always disagreed with hiding Xia Yan's affairs from you, which is unfair to Xia Yan and you. But after all, I am only a psychiatrist, and I can't interfere with the decisions of my family, let alone you're not my patient. Doctor Qin Huai patted me on the shoulder, squatted in front of the brown bloodstain, and continued to say to me: "Ten years after that incident, I found you just to find out if the sealed memory had been loosened, and if you remembered Xia Yan. If you remember, I will help you better enter a normal life as Xia Yan entrusted me, if you don't remember, I will also treat those things that never happened before, don't disturb your life, and let you forget everything that happened with Xia Yan before as your family hopes, and live well. ”

In Dr. Qin Huai's account, I finally understood why he suddenly appeared in my life at that time, and why he came to me now.

I squatted next to Dr. Qin Huai, ignoring the thick dust on the ground, and reached out to stroke the brown bloodstain, as if I had touched Xia Yan.

The memories that I had been desperately pursuing all along, came back to my mind, but at the same time, it was not only my guilt but also my pain that deepened.

But even though it hurts, I still want to know these truths, know what has happened, remember those who love me deeply, and then live as well as she hoped.

Even though I will always be sorry for the rest of my life, I don't want my memories to be as vague as frosted glass.

"It's hard to accept, isn't it?" Doctor Qin Huai turned his head to ask me, his tone was a little detached.

"Yes. I hung my head and couldn't help but cover my eyes, I still couldn't control my emotions.

Looking at my appearance, Dr. Qin Huai felt something, took out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket, took out a cigarette and lit it and asked me, "Do you want to know why I didn't work as a psychiatrist here later?" ”

The obviously extinguished spark brought a little melancholy, I turned my head and accidentally inhaled the smoke ring that Dr. Qin Huai spit out, choked and nodded, tears welling up.

"I'm sorry. Dr. Qin Huai changed the cigarette in his hand to the other side and said to me: "Maybe you have encountered the loss of a friend or a relative, and I will face a lot of life and death due to my profession. I am also a human being, and I also have seven emotions and six desires, even if I deliberately avoid it, I will become familiar with it because of time and patients, and once I am familiar with it, it is the beginning of a nightmare. ”

"Why do you say that?" I wiped my eyes with my hand.

"Familiarity leads to connection, and with connection, it is likely to become friends, and when you become friends, you want them all to live. But a lot of the efforts were fruitless, even though I was a doctor. The feeling of trying your best and not being able to do anything is so uncomfortable. A few days after Xia Yan's suicide, the other girl I was in charge of didn't hold on, and she asked me the day before if I could bring her a beautiful headband tomorrow......" Doctor Qin Huai took a deep breath, his hands trembling a little.

In my impression, I always thought that doctors were omnipotent, they were professional and wise, and they could save people's lives, but when I heard Qin Huai and me say it today, I realized that doctors are ordinary people like us, and they are afraid of parting like us, and they are even more exposed to parting because of work.

"You can't blame you, you've done your best, and for some people, maybe death is a relief for them. I comforted him with his words of comfort to me, and it was only then that I understood what they meant.

Doctor Qin Huai put out the cigarette on the ground and tilted his head to look at me: "You understand a little faster than me, in the past many years, I have felt that I am not suitable to be a psychiatrist, because I did not save those fresh lives, but after promising Xia Yan to guide you into a normal life without guilt, I gradually understood the meaning of my existence, and it was Xia Yan who enlightened me." In the letter, she told me that everyone has their own choice, to look at the people who have saved their lives, and not to criticize themselves for the choices of others, so I choose to come back now and continue to be a psychiatrist. ”

"Xia Yan... Xia Yan... She's really nice. "When I say Xia Yan's name, I always stumble, I try to convince myself of the fact that she has left, but I still can't help my nose and red eyes.

"Go see her, it's been ten years, and she should want to see you, too. Dr. Qin Huai stood up, took out an old watch from his pocket and handed it to me.

That was the first time I made money to buy a gift for Xia Yan.

"The thing is returned to its rightful owner. Seongnam Cemetery, 3-1314 She is waiting for you. ”

I stretched out my hands and took the watch, as if I had taken over the youth of me and Xia Yan: "Thank you." ”

I thanked Dr. Qin Huai and drove to the cemetery in the south of the city.

It's still dawn, maybe I'll be able to see her today.

As I drove the car, the memories of the past were crystal clear.

The section of the road that flashed not long ago is where I had my car accident, but I didn't stop to check.

Pain should not be remembered, love should be remembered.

On the way, I bought Xia Yan's favorite daisy, and brought her favorite records and favorite fruits.

I don't know if her hobbies have changed over the years over the years, but she has not changed in my heart, she is still the same gentle and lovely.

Seongnam Cemetery, 3-1314.

I looked at the photo on the tombstone, and her smile was still so beautiful and moving, but it was a pity......

I sighed, put the little daisy and her favorite fruit in my hand in front of the tombstone, squatted down and gently touched her photo, and muttered: "Xia Yan, I'm Chen Ye, I'm sorry, I waited so long to come to see you, your heart is here," I said, I patted my chest with my hand, "It's healthy!"

I don't know if I tried too hard, but I felt so painful after only two strokes, the kind that can hurt tears.

But I'm a man, and I have to look like a man.

I tugged at the corners of my mouth, kept smiling, put down the record I had been holding in my hand, and whispered, "I came to see you today to tell you...... I'm doing well, don't worry, I'll be fine, just as you want it to be......"

It was like a spirit, and soon it began to rain.

I looked at Xia Yan's photo and was fascinated, thinking that I was going to be drenched in soup, but instead of feeling the wetness of the raindrops, there was a shadow on my head.

I looked up and saw that it was Ishin, whom I hadn't seen in a long time, holding an umbrella for me.

I stood up, and the vertigo from squatting for a long time and standing violently made me feel unreal.

Is it really Ishin?

She looked at me and smiled generously, and I was suddenly relieved.

Admit that you are lucky enough.

(ENDS)