When he returned, we had a meeting with a few friends we knew.

On the day of the reunion, I got up early and went to the barber shop to get my messy hair and put on a delicate makeup.

When I saw him again after more than half a year, my first reaction was timidity, shyness and low self-esteem.

Antidepressants changed my sugar metabolism and I gained a lot of weight, but luckily I could wear thick clothes and a scarf to cover it up in winter.

He seemed to have changed a bit, his hair had grown, his glasses had changed, and he was wearing a teal sweatshirt that I had never seen before.

What remains unchanged is that there are still few words at the dinner table, eating and glancing at the mobile phone, and occasionally shyly smiling.

When playing Script Kill, in the role game, it was a special coincidence that he and I were husband and wife.

When it comes to private chats, he always chooses to interact with me, looking at me with sincere little eyes and saying a lot of things.

"We are husband and wife, and my feelings for you are real. ”

"I really like you. ”

"I never doubted you. ”

"I stole the cheats to cure you. ”

"You're in the tower, and I've bought the maid to take care of you. ”

"Trust me, I'll always protect you. ”

"We are a couple. ”

I was really, really, very, very happy that afternoon.

Since then, we have started chatting with each other, giving each other what I think are delicious snacks, favorite movies and funny variety shows, we went to set off fireworks together, I cheekily helped him pull people to fill out questionnaires, and he asked me to urge him to memorize words.

Our relationship quickly warmed up to a height never before reached, and I was pleasantly surprised and apprehensive at the same time.

A friend said: "A boy like him, if he takes the initiative, there should be a story." ”

My friend said, "Is the thousand-year-old iron tree finally going to bloom?"

The friend said, "Congratulations, sit back and wait for the announcement." ”

I'll admit that I really have a lot of anticipation in my heart.

We made another appointment to eat hot pot together.

I told him in advance, "I'll prepare something for you then, so can you give me a pack of blueberry-flavored QQ candy?"

He said, "Okay." ”

Because of his affirmative answer, I looked forward to it, but he didn't bring it that day, just said lightly, "I forgot, I will remember next time."

After the meal, he went to buy snacks and never asked me if I wanted to eat them, who had been with him all the time.

I waited with a little hope, but in the end it was the clerk who asked, and I shook my head as he looked at him intently savoring his snacks.

On the top of the moon, as we walked down the pedestrian street, he complained that he was carrying too many things and too heavy, and it was the milk tea, supper, clothes, and cookies I made for himself that he bought for himself.

I lifted some of it for him empty-handed and accompanied him to wait for the bus on the side of the road.

When I got home, I asked him "have you arrived", and he replied "arrived" and did not say anything more.

After a while I said, "I'm going to take a shower," he said "oh," but when he saw the auto-reply "What are you doing with your wife?" that I had set up so specially, he sent a laughing emoji.

In the middle of the night, he sent again: What about people?

I ignored him, and the next second I deliberately posted a dynamic that was only visible to him in the circle of friends: I must hug him next time.

He gave it a thumbs up.

The next day, we went to the movies and drank milk tea, but he forgot the QQ candy that "I must remember next time".

When is the next time?

I said, "You can't play games in the future, and you can ignore me." ”

He nodded in agreement, "Okay." ”

Before parting, I opened my hand and said, "I want to hug." ”

He subconsciously took a step back, and added as if trying to alleviate the embarrassment: "Next time, next time I must hug me." ”

When is the next time?

The day before he returned to school, we listened to a song together for the first time.

Sitting on the bus home, he took out his headphones and asked if he wanted to listen to the song, and I ordered Mayday's "Cangjie".

"Think about how much a person misses, and that is the moment when the words fail. ”

"How far away, how tangled, how much missing, how much indescribable, pain and madness, you can't see. ”

"I want to become a word-making Cangjie and write poems that remind you of me. ”

I think what I want to say, the past and the present are like the lyrics in the headphones, and he understands them.

Otherwise, how could he keep reminding me in the following days: "Girls are really troublesome, and when they see women, they are annoying, and they are annoyed to death......"

Keep emphasizing, keep repeating, over and over again.

I never bothered him during class hours, but he rarely replied to me after class.

Every weekend he indulges in the game, playing from getting up until late at night.

Let me send my messages, and he always plays his game.

On the second Sunday in April, I angrily called him because he completely ignored my messages and texts, but I tried to calm down and express my feelings to him: "I'm not happy that you played games and snubbed me. ”

He said impatiently, "I'm not doing it," and turned around to play games all afternoon.

In the evening, I pretended to be serious and told him, "I'm going to break up with you", trying to threaten him, trying to make him try to make a small place in his heart for me, trying to make him learn to value me.

He explained solemnly: "I can't see the message when I play the game, and once I see it, I will reply in seconds." ”

He said: "You are too hypocritical, and you talk about something every day. ”

He said, "You're such a humble bunch, I just want to play a game." ”

He said, "I don't have anything to talk to you about, I can talk to my classmates." ”

He said, "What boy doesn't play games? What boy waits every day to talk to a girl?"

In the end, he said clearly word for word: "I'm not in love, and I don't want to be in love." ”

He's not in a relationship, he doesn't want to be in a relationship......

So what the hell are I doing these days?

What is it to meet and chat again and again?

I vainly tried to find the traces of so-called liking that my memory had whitewashed in my memory among the many clues of clear dislove, and it was just self-deception after all.

I was holding the doll he had given me after a friend's prompting on the day I first met, and I didn't know what to say to him. So I hung up the phone, deleted all the photos about him, and deleted dozens of comments in his space.

The friend said: "He is not worthy, he is not worthy, he is the wrong person, this man is not just playing ambiguous, don't be stupid, forget him." ”

Mom and Dad also told me: "This boy doesn't seem to like you, you deserve someone who really loves you and loves you." ”

I can't argue with that.

One day in the middle of the summer, when my physical condition had improved a lot, I hid from everyone and took the No. 504 bus while my parents were going to work.

People walked quickly in the streets, vendors hurriedly put away their stalls, and dragonflies hovered low.

I stood downstairs in his neighborhood, looking at the closed window, and I imagined countless times that he opened the window and was so surprised to see me.

I turned on the "Gentleness" in my headphones to the loudest and looped it over and over again until the raindrops fell on my forehead, on my eyelashes, on my shoulders, and wet on my uppers, and I muttered "You still owe me a pack of QQ candy and a hug" at a volume that no one else could hear, then bought a bottle of his favorite blue packaged soda where he belonged and quietly left.

I unconsciously looked back at the window many times until the bus turned, as I used to sit with him, and I got off the bus and kept looking back at the car until it disappeared around the corner.

It was the humblest but bravest thing I've ever done in the years I've loved him.

I never looked for him again, and I deleted all my contact information, even though I had memorized the numbers associated with him.

But not to bother, it was my last tenderness.