Pessimism Zhang Baotong 2017.6.6

Recently, I have noticed that every morning when the light is shining through the window, and I am still in a half-asleep state, there is always a pessimistic mood condensed in my heart, as if I am covered and shrouded by a deep dark cloud. Pen & Fun & Pavilion www.biquge.info When I am fully awake, the pessimistic mood is even clearer and thicker. It's usually a feeling of confusion and melancholy, a sense of loss and powerlessness, thinking about what I'm going to do today, what can I do? Actually, I'm officially retired, so what does it matter if I don't do anything? And what I have to do every day is nothing more than writing and playing, and very little else to do. But my heart was gloomy and gray, like a heavy dark cloud pressing down, and I felt a little breathless at times when I was pessimistic.

But why do I always feel so pessimistic?

I think I'm probably a pessimist. I can't give any definite reasons, but I can conclude that I'm a pessimist based on some tests. For example, there is a test question that says that there are two apples, one is good and the other is a little rotten, do you eat the good one first or the one that is a little rotten first. In this regard, I would not hesitate to choose to eat the one that is a bit rotten first. Because when I was a child, our family was very poor, and our family always ate bad food first, and then ate good food. There is also a little story about two barrels talking at the well. A wooden barrel said that no matter how much water was drawn from the well, in the end, we were always empty. And the other barrel said that although we went down the well was empty, when we came up it was full. And I actually felt the same as the first barrel, I always felt that I really couldn't do it, and I didn't get much in my life.

In retrospect, this pessimism is not unique to me, but to me since I was very young. When I was four years old, my father died in the line of duty, and my mother took my brother and sister and I to live a difficult life, so I had a sense of distress when I was very young, timid, introverted, not good at talking, and a little inferior. Later, although these weaknesses have been constantly overcome, deep down I still have the same heart, as if gray is the background color of my mood. I distinctly remember that in my entire life, I never really expected myself to be blessed and prosperous, to live a better life than others. I always think that I want to endure more hardships than others, be better than others, get ahead, and let myself and my family be able to be looked down upon by others.

Although I was almost born with this pessimism, I also had dreams. In the first half of my life, beautiful dreams have been like bright sunshine dispelling the dark clouds of pessimism in my heart. When I went to the countryside, it was the hardest years of my life. Although the farm work is very tiring, I always think that once I recruit a worker and become a worker, my fate will change from now on. As a worker, although I am not tired from work, I always work night shifts, and I feel that being a worker is not as good as I imagined, because my dream is to be a middle school teacher. Being a teacher is a good profession to teach, learn, and play ball every day. So, I started to prepare for the exam. Later, he was admitted to the teacher college and really became a middle school teacher. However, I realized that teaching was boring and difficult for students to teach, and I wanted to be a writer, so I began to practice writing again and began to publish my work in newspapers and magazines. Later, he was transferred to the Party Committee of the Education Center as a propaganda assistant.

Until I was forty years old, I struggled constantly, but pessimism never left me. At that time, my biggest sorrow was that I had struggled all my life, worked very hard, and had outstanding achievements, but because I was too rigid in dealing with people and etiquette, I gave the leadership to others several opportunities for promotion. This incident has been haunting me for a long time, and it has almost become a heartache for the rest of my life. After that, he went to work as a school secretary. At this time, I am already a little older, and I have no hope for the future, and my pessimism and depression have slowly condensed in my heart, but because I am very busy with school work, I have put more thoughts on work. Since retiring from work in the past two or three years, I don't have to go to work anymore, and I don't even have the pressure to work, so the pessimism that has been latent for a long time has begun to manifest obviously.

This kind of pessimism is a kind of sorrow for people who are about to grow old, a kind of sorrow for the struggle of a lifetime and little gain, and a kind of sorrow for wasting time when there is nothing to do. I feel that I am really old, and a feeling of inadequacy, idleness and disillusionment often haunts my heart, and I often lie in bed pessimistic and sad, and I don't want to do anything for a long time. Sometimes I also think that there are thousands of people in the world who are not as good as me, thousands of people, who have been workers all their lives, who have been farmers all their lives, who are much more miserable and tired than me, some who are richer than me, and some who are poorer than me, but they can all live happily and plainly. For many people, as long as they don't have to worry about food and clothing, it doesn't matter what they have gained or achieved in their lives now. The fact is also true, whether you are an emperor or a general, or an ordinary person, whether you are famous or mediocre, life is the situation of these decades.

As the saying goes: it is a day to live happily and a day to live unhappily, but the feeling of survival is completely different. Many people may understand this truth, but it is not easy to do it. A friend of mine used to call me and say she didn't want to live for a day. She worked hard in the city, while her son was in his hometown talking about eating and drinking, playing cards and gambling, and constantly causing her some trouble, so angry that she wanted to cry twice a day. There is also a friend who was cheated of hundreds of thousands of dollars because of his participation in the guarantee, and he often can't figure it out, although it has been a long time, but when he thinks about it, he is so angry that he wants to jump off the building. If we think they should leave their worries behind and allow themselves to be calm and tranquil. However, there are some things that you can't help yourself. Whenever there is silence in the dead of night, or when we are lonely and lonely, those troubles and frustrations will invade our hearts and occupy our hearts, making us sad and sigh and worry. Pessimism caused by a single event may be easier to overcome and dispel due to the passage of time and changes in events. But some pessimism is innate, and it has become a gloomy and gray state of mind in us.

Perhaps each of us will have some such pessimism to a greater or lesser extent. It's a genetic emotion left over from millions of years of human evolution and evolution. It's like a mosquito facing all that fear and doomsday when winter comes. Since the primitive evolution, human beings have constantly struggled against floods and beasts, until later the scramble between people and between countries, until now there are open and secret struggles between human beings, power and profit, and all kinds of problems arising from fame and fortune, survival and livelihood, birth, old age, sickness and death, and good and bad fortunes. Because everyone will have different worries at different times, and different pessimisms at different ages.

People's worries and pessimisms will never go away, unless they will be infected and intoxicated by a momentary sense of satisfaction and happiness, replaced and enriched by the busyness and concentration of the moment. The reason why people advocate beauty and yearn for beauty is to fill their hearts with more happiness and beauty, and let those worries and pessimisms occupy less space in their hearts as much as possible. When people listen to songs, dances and watch movies, they will be moved by the beautiful scenes and realms, because the emotions in front of you will bring you into a beautiful artistic conception, making you feel beautiful and forget the sadness. There are many literary, artistic, athletic, and natural beauties that will make you think and revel in it. Let you throw away pessimism from temporary beauty, or let your pessimism be filled with a sense of beauty. And the beauty of tragedy is an art of living. It allows us to deeply understand the meaning of life and the value of life from the beauty of tragedy. Let us deeply appreciate the beauty of art and life from the pessimistic mood, rather than the taste of hardship, so that our pessimistic life and tragic character are like a movie or novel full of tragedy.

People always want to show their brightness and share their happiness with others, because this is the brilliant side of their lives. and hide their sorrow and chagrin in their hearts. In fact, this is the truest emotion in his inner world, and it is also the emotion that has the deepest impact on their lives. When people are sad and annoyed, they often hide in the hut alone, tossing and turning, meditating, understanding the value of life and the meaning of life more truly, and reflecting and adjusting their own lives. Therefore, people's most precise thinking and most important decisions often come from this kind of psychological adjustment.

People have no foresight, but they must have near-term worries. No matter how glorious and noble a person is, he will be full of pessimism and melancholy. It's a normality of the mind, a real emotion. Even Qin Shi Huang and Emperor Wu of the Han Dynasty, who were illustrious in the end, died sadly. But their hard work and dominance in their lifetime are enough to make them famous for eternity. As ordinary people, it is impossible for us to achieve any great achievements, but as long as we are upright, work honestly, fulfill our responsibilities, and complete our tasks, even if we are conscientious and have no regrets.