Also known as "Marriage is the Grave of Love" Zhang Baotong 2016.7.4

We always think that poverty is hunger, lack of clothing and no house, and if you spend some time in a convent, you will deeply feel that the greatest poverty in the world is not needed, unloved and uncared for. Pen ~ fun ~ Ge www.biquge.info Yes, not being needed, not being loved and not being cared for is the terminal disease that each of us fears the most.

Many years have passed, and the girl who used to be sixteen or seventeen years old is now a young woman in her twenties. She was dressed in holy black and veiled, but she was still young and beautiful, radiating the light of Christ. All these years, she locked herself in that hut, rarely showing her head or attracting attention, but prayed and pleaded with God for forgiveness with all her heart. She was so peaceful and silent, so pious and holy, that all the people in the monastery looked up to her.

For the nuns, all the rules of thought and behavior are written in the Bible, and the answers to all difficult questions are in the holy book, and it is a sin to doubt what is in the holy book. Eloise was a brilliant woman, and she knew that worldly cleverness would not work here. She must follow the biblical norms of thought and behavior to guide her in everything she does in her daily life. In this respect, she and Abelard are the opposite. Abelard was too persistent to dare to make public the truths and truths he had studied and thought of, and to stand up for the worldly and ugly things that he was not accustomed to, criticizing and criticizing them without mercy. This creates enemies for themselves on all sides, causes strife, and is persecuted.

Eloise, on the other hand, rarely appears in public, always smiling and serene when she sees people. Although she did not believe in God, she was extremely sincere and enthusiastic about religion, and she always seemed very attentive in every prayer. In addition, she was young and beautiful, extremely intelligent, and often preached to other nuns, so she has always been regarded as a model in the convent, and is deeply loved and liked by people. At this time, she was already the abbot of the monastery and a good assistant to the abbot.

The bishops treated her as if she were their own daughter, the abbot treated her as his own sister, and the other sisters loved her very much. So everyone was amazed at her religious fervor, and her good judgment and incomparable patience made her feel that everything was so peaceful and sweet.

But who knows what it was like to feel in the heart of this perfect saint in everyone's mind. The nun life is in a state of extreme and prolonged mental anguish. It is absolutely forbidden to eat meat in the monastery, the usual food is oatmeal, carrots, onions and bread. Fasting was required every Wednesday and Friday, and there were various religious festivals, so the food that the nuns often ate was gruel. But she was not terrible about the hardships of life and the simplicity of food, because she was told, "Don't complain." Consider that in the afterlife, gluttons will be forced to eat raw rats and poisonous snakes." In the convent, the abbot's word was the supreme authority, and the only place the nuns could go without the abbot's permission was the toilet. In addition, what to eat, where to go, and who to talk to must have the permission of the dean's mother. Obedience is a virtue in the monastery, and man is useless, small, dirty, all you can do, is pray and ask God for help. As long as you pray sincerely, God will come to help you. Help your mind and body. This is the unswerving creed of the nuns.

After the castration of Abelard, Eloise no longer believed in God. She entered the monastery in obedience to Abelard's wishes. This is quite different from her dogmatic theological thinking. Whether it's a confrontation with her teacher as a girl, an argument with her uncle, or even a crazy move with Abelard later, she doesn't act like the ordinary medieval women who live under the cross in a regular manner. In her mind, the truth she defines is far better than the truth imposed by others. Although after his castration, Abelard became more and more convinced of God and claimed to have seen Christ. But she never saw Christ. Because she thinks of her husband more than Christ.

Confession is done monthly. In each nun's small bedside table is a notebook for sinners that need to be repented of. Documenting one's sins is also a daily lesson for nuns. There are many kinds of sins, and if the teachings of the Bible are strictly followed, then every human being in the world sins all the time: the sin of gossip by chatting with a girlfriend, the sin of gluttony by spending energy preparing delicious meals, the sin of pointing fingers by thinking others as fools, and even being in a bad mood on a rainy day. Because no matter what the circumstances are, the nuns must not be resentful.

For Eloise, however, she tasted the ultimate in joy with her lover, and those sweet moments made her so happy that they were deeply engraved in her heart. Even on such a solemn occasion as Mass, she should pray with a pure heart before God. However, her heart haunted the ** picture of her and Abelard's happy moments, and her mind also flashed the scene of the two of them playing. Everything they did, every moment, every place, along with his image, was deeply imprinted on her heart. Even during sleep, this sensation does not diminish in the slightest. Sometimes her body movements or inadvertent words reveal her thoughts. In the midst of extreme despair, her anguished soul often cried out: "What a miserable creature I must be, who can save me and save me from this carnal sin that is destined to be sentenced to death?"

Although in the past ten years, Abelard had only visited her once after she had entered the monastery, and then he had disappeared and never came to see her again. Sometimes, she felt very resentful, that he didn't care about her at all, didn't love her. She even suspected that his feelings for her were just the kind of love and lust between men and women, not real love between husband and wife. She felt that he owed her too much, and if she wanted to see him again, she had to let him pay off the debt she had owed for more than ten years.

No, she is still young, although she is in the monastery, although she has sworn to keep the covenant, but in the depths of her heart, there is still a very beautiful longing, a very strong desire. However, those beautiful longings and strong desires can only be a kind of fantasy and fantasy. For more than ten years, how she wished that Abelard would come to visit her, but he seemed to have disappeared from this world, and there was no news. Therefore, she can only consume her youth and years in that endless and endless boredom and pain every day, and let herself grow old slowly and ruthlessly.

Once, after praying, she kept kissing the statue of Jesus as her beloved relative, thinking of her loved ones with her whole body and soul. However, when she realized that it was just a wooden statue of Jesus, she sighed sadly. She lifted the base of the idol, revealing a feather inside, a token of her love affair with Abelard. She has treasured it all these years.

Looking at the feathers, she burst into tears and spoke sadly to the portrait of Abelard hanging on the wall of the hut, "If anyone can save me, I can say: 'This is a blessing from God through my Lord Jesus.'" Beloved, this blessing has come to you without your deliberate pursuit. A wound in the flesh can help you heal many wounds in your spirit, and thus help you get rid of many mental torments. When you think God is your adversary, He is in fact helping you with kindness, just as a sincere doctor would not refrain from surgery that can heal your wounds for fear of causing you severe pain. But for me, the experience of youth, passion, and joy exacerbated my physical torment and my desires. ”

Sometimes, she thinks that he can't think about himself, so he makes those poems he used to write for her, reliving that good memory:

"You coldly said we shouldn't meet,

There is only one thin line left in our world.

Every day and every night I'm on this watch,

Heaven like a prisoner looking at the clouds!

Clouds, clouds, clouds, day by day, you change your face,

But I can't change back to where I used to be without you!

Oh Eloise, my Eloise,

Day by day, my liver and intestines are broken!"

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"Thy pain binds thee in my heart during the day

Under the moon, your tears bind you in front of my eyes.

Silence robs love from heaven,

Oh, the stolen love has been recaptured back to the clouds!

Oh, the clouds, the clouds, my Eloise!

My lover, my beloved,

My daughter and bride,

You have been taken to heaven in the clouds,

Have you ever heard the loud sound of my heart breaking? ”

Sometimes, she almost broke her heart when she missed Abelard, but the heartbroken Eloise could only recall the time when they had fallen in love together in extreme longing and lovesickness. Despite the devastating injuries inflicted on Abelard, she is still deeply affected by him. Sometimes she also harbors a deep grudge against him, but that is also because of a sign that she loves him. Because in her heart, the heartbroken Eloise's love for Abelard has not diminished in the slightest, and the many obstacles and interruptions of audio have not extinguished her love. If she doesn't love, she will love deeply, and she will not regret it. As she said, she would follow Abelard "to hell" all the time. During her ten years in the monastery, she hung a portrait of Abelard in her house and spoke to it often. She never put God above love, she never put the precepts of the Church above her heart.

She lamented the coldness, the darkness, the loneliness, the torment she was enduring herself. She likened the experience to hell, and at one point made her wonder if there was even a Lord in heaven. She was always smiling, but she knew it was just a mask or a cover to cover it up. She even suspected that she had fallen into a verbal deception. She said, "I love the Lord." But in her heart, the people she really loves are her former lover and husband.

So, every time she prayed, she heard the other nuns praying sincerely, and she thought that maybe Jesus had been gracious to them. But for her, the silence and emptiness were so heavy that she had eyes but could not see, and ears but could not hear. Her tongue fluttered as she prayed, but she couldn't speak.

Yes, in the eyes of those close to her, she seemed so calm and peaceful, praying quietly for more than ten years, but she lived in a different spiritual world and reality, a parched scene and boundless darkness, where her Lord had disappeared.