Also known as "Marriage is the Grave of Love" Zhang Baotong 2016.7.4

Poor and lovely Eloise was well sailed in the Abbey of Argentite, and was already the Vice-Chancellor of the Abbey. Pen ~ Fun ~ Pavilion www.biquge.info In addition to her daily monastic work, she is also responsible for teaching seminary students. Over the years, in the monastery, she has learned more knowledge, learned the hardships of the world, learned to get along with God, and learned to do her best to appreciate what her former lover might let herself experience in the difficult and boring years. As a nun, Elois is not allowed to have personal feelings, but her love for Abelard is not extinguished. Therefore, when she is immersed in the thirst for love, she always can't get rid of the guilt. She knew that as a cultivator, love for God came first, and she couldn't love a man more than God, but she couldn't suppress her heart.

Once, she wrote a poem for herself to express her inner yearning and bitter ambivalence. The poem reads:

"What a joy the pure Vista virgin is!

Forgotten by the world, and forgotten by the world,

Beautiful hearts sparkle with eternal sunshine!

Every prayer is accepted, and every wish can be waived. ”

Because the desire and desire for love are so strong in her heart that they are unstoppable, she often involuntarily reveals some bold words and deeds. Sometimes, from the depths of her heart, she would burst out with a more affectionate and powerful line than the poem, "Let me be your bitch!" which she felt was the most affectionate and touching words she had for his Abelard.

The passion of youth has never been extinguished in her heart, and the desire of humanity has never been extinguished in her heart. This passion and desire motivates her, making her feel a kind of desire stirring in her heart, an impulse that always wants to be released. Since this desire and impulse of love could not be relieved, she secretly wrote to him, and although she had no idea where he had been and how he had been doing all these years, she still wanted to write to him, but she could not send these letters. One letter reads:

"My love for you has driven me to the point of madness, and I have deprived myself of what I most desired, and with no hope of recovery: when I take off my clothes at your request, everything is irretrievable, and with my mind, and I do so only to prove to you that my body and my soul belong to you. God testifies that I never wanted anything from you but yourself. You made me accept religion and swear allegiance to it before you converted to God, perhaps because you thought of the regret that Lot's wife had caused by not listening to advice and looking back. ”

Her desire and experience of love sometimes led her to involuntarily deviate from God's will, because although she was teaching for seminary, in her heart, she often put love above God. Because she feels that love is real and great, and God is fictional. That's why she was teaching seminary students how to resist temptation. She asked the students, "How can I resist temptation?"

The students thought for a moment, and one student replied, "The best way to resist temptation is to accept it." ”

Although this sentence did not conform to the will of the Bible, it made her feel quite new, because her experience and inner feelings over the years were unforgettable, and she deeply felt that this sentence was so simple and true, and it expressed her heart in one sentence. Instead of criticizing the student's bold answer, she gave her approval in a tacit manner. At the same time, she boldly asked the students, "Is God male or female?" and even said to the students, "Does God have genitals, does He kiss women's genitals too?"

The girls in the class giggled and laughed. The abbot was also shocked by the question. However, the dean did not criticize Eloise, on the contrary, she said that she thought that this young and beautiful nun had a temperament and aura, and was very lovely.

However, this kind of venting and expression cannot release the passion and desire that have been suppressed in her heart for more than ten years. This passion and desire made her hungry and thirsty, but she couldn't do anything about it. So, after extreme longing and thirst, there is extreme loneliness and despair. In her confession, she wrote: "I longed for the Lord so much, but I was beaten back with emptiness and mercilessness. Without faith, without love, without zeal, the 'salvation of the soul' has no attraction for me, heaven is worthless to me, please pray for me. Unable to be saved in prayer, she felt that religion was a human fiction. She tried to improve this state of mind through confession of faith, but this only led her deeper into the trap she had dug for herself.

So, in prayer, she pleaded with the Lord to relieve her loneliness and pain. She knelt before the idol of Jesus and pleaded,

"Lord, my Lord. I am the child you love, but now I am the one you hate the most. You abandoned me, you don't want me anymore, you don't love me anymore. I cried out, I clung to it, I needed you!"

But no one answered her, which made her feel adrift in the middle of the sea, unhelped, and desperate. Yes, she was already completely alone. There is no heart, no faith, no hope. There is only boundless emptiness and darkness. Whenever she tried to think about going to heaven, all she felt was such a real emptiness, and it pierced her heart like a knife, hurting her soul deeply. She was told that the Lord loved her, but the darkness and indifference and emptiness in her spirit were so great that she could not touch anything. And so she kept crying, "My God, my God, why would you forsake me?" She persistently responded to the faith of Jesus on the cross to death. This keeps her pain from falling into emptiness.

When the Bishop of Wellington came to visit her that day, she wept bitterly and said to the Bishop, "My Lord, I feel extremely lonely and sad, I long for the Lord's salvation, but every one of my desires has been denied, and I feel darkness before my eyes. ”

Bishop Wellington said to her, "My dear daughter, my Sister Eloise, the Lord has not rejected you, and the Lord has seen all your pain, and He has been comforting you. Don't put emptiness and darkness in your heart, you have done so much for the monastery and the church, and the Lord will take special care of you. Remember, we don't need to feel, and feelings can often be misleading. ”

In fact, Eloise was also thinking, "I did not accept the will of the Lord because of my feelings, but because of my will, that I must follow the will of my husband and my lover." However, she was grateful for the comfort he had given her, for he loved her very much.

The Bishop also said to her, "My Eloise, when you realize that your spirit is in darkness and emptiness, it is a special way in which your spirit shares in the passion of Jesus. Eloise listened to the words of the Bishop and felt a sense of redemption and liberation in her heart. For her darkness and emptiness were only a tiny, tiny fraction of the darkness and pain that Jesus had in His soul when He was on earth.

But the bishop's words did not comfort her much, because she did not believe in God in her heart, and even hated God a little, because God had punished them and caused them so much suffering. The pain and emptiness in her heart is because she can't get love. The hunger for love and the expectation of love were already a serious torture for her life. She often thinks: When your lover no longer talks to you, no longer touches you, no longer appears in your life, and no longer waters you with his passion and love, then what is the value and meaning of your life? She feels that she is like a flower without sunshine and rain, and her youth and life are withering and withering inexorably.

But twelve years have passed, Abelard, why don't you come to see me?