My heart was so frightened and cowardly. But there was a snickering joy that I couldn't even believe, and it slowly flowed into the haze, trying to dispel it.

At the same time, I hate myself for being like this.

When I was deep in the quagmire, I still longed to be included and accepted. Can you call this greedy? or shameless?

He's coming. I want to keep him, I want to keep him for myself.

"I like you. I stared at his back and said silently in my heart.

"I like you. ”

"I like you. ”

"I like you"

“……”

I've tried it countless times, but I still can't tell.

With a shallow smile in his eyes, he asked in a low voice, "What are you standing there in a daze?"

"I've been standing for a long time, don't my legs hurt?

He beckoned, still with the same hippie smile as before.

"I'm thinking," I said, taking a deep breath.

"What are you thinking?"

"I was thinking, you're a good guy. ”

"Poof-" he asked, half-jokingly, as he lay on the bed, "I've always been a good person, did you find out today?"

"I've always ...... I know it. ”

Slowly closing the distance with him, but I was worried that if we were too close, the extravagant hope in my heart for him would swell more and more.

He held out his hand to me, his eyes mixed with a dim light, revealing a long-standing weariness.

"Don't be so far away from me, do you know how hard I've gone to find you?"

"Look, don't believe me, look at my arms!" he rolled up his sleeves, revealing his red-spotted skin.

There was silence around me, and I could hear my own breathing and my irregular heartbeat, 'Knock knock,' and my scalp tingling, loud and loud.

"Are you stupid......"

"Isn't it stupid for you to come back by yourself like this?"

I was thinking about how I could run away from the past and say things like, 'I'm not worth it, you can go,' to prevaricate him, and to prevaricate myself.

But I was unwilling to say such things and drive him away, and at that moment I realized that I had always been selfish. I want him to like me, I want him to like me all the time.

Sitting down, my heart was beating faster and faster, getting more and more nervous, and panicking more and more.

I showed him the scar that was hidden in the depths, and revealed to him what I cared about the most.

"In my junior year of high school, I didn't do well in the mock test, I scored 21 points in the math test, I called my dad, he didn't say anything, and he slapped him when he came home. I hated the feeling of being beaten all the time, and I hated boys at that time, and I thought that all men in the world were as grumpy as my dad. Besides, I probably didn't tell you about the ...... between my dad and my mom."

"They had a conflict, my mom ran away from home, and my dad and I put up a missing person notice together, and when I was a child, I saw the missing person notice on the wall that was rotten, and he asked him what if the paper with my mother's picture on it was rotten after we put it up, and we couldn't find her? He told me that if it was rotten, I would change it until we found her. ”

However, after three years, he stopped sticking to it, and found another woman, and then he married another woman...... When I say this, I just want to say that I don't really want to believe in love, and I'm very scared...... If one day I disappear, will the person who said he liked me find another person?"

"But I'm really good at cheating...... It can't be said that it is easy to deceive. Do you know why I like you?"

I looked him in the eye, and before he could reply, I continued, "Because you are good to me." ”

"I also thought it was too fast, you told me that you wanted to be with me in just two months, but I didn't want to procrastinate at all, I was afraid that if I agreed too late, you would think this woman was so hypocritical...... I don't have much experience in relationships, and I was skeptical about whether I liked you at all, but I felt uncomfortable thinking too much, and I really didn't want to think about it that much. ”

"Then I didn't want to, it's enough for you to be nice to me. ”

Zhao Yilun...... You haven't said four words to me, can you say that you like me, just say it once, and I'll listen to it once, okay?"

I don't care how humble I am, I just know that he has come to me, thousands of miles away.

"I like you. ”

He held my face in his hands, wiped his tears with his sleeve, and said as if he had made a promise, "I like you, as long as you want to hear it, and you can say it as little as you want." ”

As if I had received permission, my nose became more and more sore, and the tears that I had been holding back burst out of the embankment, and I asked him again and again, "Is what you just said true?"

"Really. ”

"You came to me, not because you're my boyfriend, it's because you like me, right?"

"Yes. ”

"Then you take care of me, not because you are afraid that others will condemn you, but because you like me, right?"

"Yes. ”

"Then will we get married?"

"Yes. ”

Mixed emotions were mixed together, and I could feel my heart twitching, and I couldn't help but ask again, "I asked you before, and you said you didn't know...... What's the answer now? Isn't it really because I'm dirty that I came to comfort me?"

I can't trust anyone so easily anymore that they're either deceived or abandoned. I became more and more insecure, questioning the answers I received to sensitive questions over and over again, as if that would reassure me. But in fact, it only makes me more uncomfortable.

He looked at me quietly, then touched my messy hair again, and whispered, "I know you're concerned about being treated cruelly now...... I also have something that I've always been able to let go of, I have porphyria, you know. Because I have lost so many things, I don't dare to make promises easily, I am afraid that I will not be able to achieve them. ”

"I thought about leaving you, after all, I'm not normal, and your family won't agree to you being with such a person. But now it's not because you don't want me anymore, it's because I like you, I came, I miss you. ”

"Everyone has their own things that are hard to let go, and not everyone may have the ability to let go, but that doesn't mean that you can really start over when you let go. I know what you've always minded, and now you know what I'm most afraid of. If you can't get by, you can't get by, let's not get through it, okay?"

How is it possible not to get tangled...... I questioned, "What if I can't get over it all the time, and keep struggling?"

"Don't always give up, we're still young, how do we know if we don't try? Don't give up easily, if you give up, what will I do, huh?"

I bit my lip and turned white, and the iron wall built in my heart collapsed.

Perhaps, I can see the light in him, even though I am still desperate.