This is an office of only a dozen square meters, the entire wall is pasted with gray fish-pattern wallpaper, the ceiling is hung with a chandelier with a white plastic cover, directly below is a dark brown lacquered desk, on one side of the desk sits a woman nearly fifty years old, dark skin, short hair, wearing a pair of myopic glasses, wearing a white coat, lined with a brown and yellow shirt, holding a pen in her hand from time to time on the desktop notebook to record something. Sitting opposite her was Ji Jun, his hair was unkempt, sitting on a shabby gray sofa chair, his legs spread apart, his hands crossed on his legs, his head bowed and silent.

"Have you had any negative emotions lately?" the woman asked.

Ji Jun looked up at her, then shook his head with a wry smile.

"Did you take the medicine on time?" the woman asked.

"Yes. Ji Jun replied.

"You're just thinking too much about yourself. The woman said as she moved her pen and recorded in her notebook: "I will tell your brother that you have been doing well recently, and the amount of medicine can be reduced gradually." ”

"But......" Ji Jun raised his head and looked at the woman, with a desperate look on his face: "Why do I still feel pain?"

"The alternation of seasons, irregular work and rest time, and high study pressure will lead to recurrence of illness, you don't have to worry about this, take medicine on time and exercise more will get better. "The woman took it for granted.

"I see. Ji Jun didn't want to talk to her anymore, so he took the prescription list and went downstairs.

The woman is Ji Jun's psychiatrist, Ji Jun has suffered from severe depression since he was thirteen years old, dropped out of junior high school and lived in a psychiatric sanatorium for a year, and after being discharged from the hospital, he followed his brother to this strange city, facing a strange psychiatrist to do useless psychotherapy. In the eyes of his father and brother, Ji Jun is indeed getting better day by day, becoming more and more like a normal person, but only Ji Jun himself knows that this kind of psychological treatment will only speed up the road to his death, and if he doesn't know how to listen, he will only blindly rely on the so-called experience to judge the condition, and then prescribe some so-called drugs that can be normal if he eats - repeating this, Ji Jun only feels that instead of living in such pain, it is better to be happy.

Ji Jun sat in the hall downstairs of the hospital waiting to get the medicine, he looked at the people coming and going and had only one thought in his heart - is it really only himself who is still in pain? The sister-in-law said that he was moaning without illness, "Is he really moaning without illness?" Ji Jun thought to himself.

Too many doubts and incomprehensions.

After taking the medicine, Ji Jun got into a taxi, the driver was a middle-aged man in a navy blue shirt, the man greeted Ji Jun very warmly and asked where to go, Ji Jun replied to the White River Bridge.

Ji Jun sat in the back seat, listening to the song playing on the radio in the car, what song is it? Ji Jun couldn't remember, but it was a little familiar, he didn't bother to think about it anymore, so he opened the glass, leaned on the car door and looked at the street scene, every picture, every face, all, will no longer enter Ji Jun's memory, only the cool wind in the spring evening and the smell of heather blooming in it continue to rush to Ji Jun's nasal cavity to stimulate his brain. "The smell of Jing liquid?" Ji Jun frowned slightly, and then thought, "No, it's heather, it's April, and it's the season when heather flowers are in full bloom." "Why is the last thing I remember is heather? Ji Jun asked himself in his mind, he has lived for seventeen years and has not had any intersection with heather, why is it heather that is reminding him that he is still alive?

Ji Jun looked at the heather trees in the roadside flower beds, and remembered a German folk song "Erika" during World War II, Erika's alias is also called heather, and part of the lyrics are: There is a small flower blooming in the heather, her name is Erica, and a lot of honey surrounds this flower all day long, surrounding her: Erika. Because her stamens are the sweetest, and her petals are fragrant.

"But where is my Erica?" Ji Jun thought, his Erica abandoned himself four years ago, that's right, Ji Jun was only thirteen years old at that time, his mother had just passed away, and Ji Jun suffered from depression due to school violence, and in the most difficult time of his life, Ji Jun met his own Erica-Yu Shuwen. She is two years older than Ji Jun, with long hair, melon seed face, big eyes, watery and not very pitiful, she likes to wear small floral skirts, he told Ji Jun that he must live strongly, otherwise the two of them will not have a future.

But before she could wait, she left Ji Jun, and in an instant, Ji Jun's whole world was completely gray, and he seemed to have become a scavenger who kept walking on the wasteland of the polar night, faltering and dying. If at this time, there is still a star in Ji Jun's world, hanging in the night sky of the polar night, holding up the last piece of light for Ji Jun, then what happened to him after he was discharged from the sanatorium and followed his brother and sister-in-law to a new city and start a new life is the reason why his last star fell - endless torture.

No one understands him, no one understands him, his classmates regard him as a monster and an alien, and even his sister-in-law sneers at him, despite this, he must pretend to be happy and strong every day, love learning, be optimistic about life, and try to repay the greatest kindness to everyone, because if this is not the case, Ji Jun will feel that he is in great danger, and he must package himself as someone else's like, otherwise he may not even exist in his last pure land, the wasteland of the polar night.

All of them wear masks, stand in dark corners, and become the ones who can hurt themselves at any moment.

It's just that, it's just that Ji Jun feels that he has suffered so much suffering and torture, and finally chooses to commit suicide...... Thinking of this Ji Jun, he couldn't help but shed tears. What kind of people deserve to be happy? Evildoers? Kind people? Ji Jun couldn't figure it out, but he understood one thing, if he really couldn't get happiness, then it was better to die!

"I don't need the sympathy of others, I don't need the pity of others, that doesn't do anything to me, no one will do this to me, no one is willing to listen to me, no one wants to save me from fire and water, impossible, no one, absolutely no one, I only have one way to go, and that is death, this is the only thing I can give myself, I will dissipate in this world, everything will return to zero, everything will return to nothingness. ”

The long wife rested to cover up the tears and mourn the difficulties of the people's livelihood.

Ji Jun was suddenly relieved, it turned out that not only was he so miserable, but there was also one person, that is, the good man who fought for a three-day vacation for the masses after committing suicide - Qu Yuan. In 340 BC, this great patriotic poet was born, Ji Jun was born in 1999, Qu Yuan died in 278 BC, and he himself will die in 2017 in the 21st century. Ji Jun thought that the same suicide was also a suicide, and it was estimated that he would soon be forgotten after he died, but one thing was the same, he and Qu Yuan would go to hell to see King Yan after they died, because everyone was Chinese, and more importantly: suicide is not forgiven.

I don't know how Qu Yuan is mixed up below, but someone like him should go to some prefecture university or Huangquan Vocational and Technical College to become a teacher? Or maybe he will take the civil service exam. Himself, Ji Jun thought, after going down, he would honestly go to the fourteenth layer of hell to serve his sentence, and there was not much demand. However, according to Qu Yuan's talent and ability, he may be dying in hell as a warden. If possible, Ji Jun wanted to go to the underworld to find his mother, and he had too many words to say to his mother's arms and tell her, tell her how much he missed her all these years, and tell her what happened to him.

"No! it can't be like this!" Ji Jun thought, this will only make his mother more worried and blame himself, he has to tell his mother how happy and happy he is in life, and he must be strong and brave! Yes! Strong and brave!

The sky was completely dark, and the black clouds were overwhelming, and even the moon did not show its face. The sound of the whistle on the road stimulated Ji Jun's eardrums, Ji Jun rolled up the window, and the man driving leisurely lit a cigarette, looked at Ji Jun in the rearview mirror and asked, "Young man, do you want one?"

Ji Jun hesitated for a moment, and then said, "Okay." ”

The man handed the cigarette and lighter to Ji Jun and said: "This point, it's a jam, some people are anxious when they get stuck in traffic, I like traffic jams, I can smoke a cigarette leisurely, slide slowly, and the surroundings are all part of the life of the city: high-rise buildings, traffic, crowds, this kind of Feel will make me feel that I am still alive." ”

"Master, what I said about this Feel is quite standard. Ji Jun lit a cigarette and took a deep breath to empty his brain as much as possible.

"That's a must!" the man said with a smile on his cigarette.

"Is it really important to be alive?" Ji Jun asked, looking out the window at the tall buildings, traffic, and crowds.

"Of course it's important! To be alive is to be possible! To be alive is to stay with your wife and children, to be alive to eat what you want to eat, and when you die, you have nothing to lose, and you can't even take away the money you have earned through hard work, so what's the good thing about dying?" said the man.

"Yes, it's really good to be alive......" Ji Jun leaned on the car door and whispered.

"It's just that this season is not very good, and there is a smell everywhere you drive on the road...... Hey, you know the lad. The man laughed.

"That's the smell of heather. Ji Jun said.

"Is it that little tree on the side of the road? there is one every few meters, and the flowers are very beautiful, but the smell is so strange that we men can't stand it when we men smell it ourselves, don't you say?" said the man.

Ji Jun was silent, looking out the window under the light of the street lamp, the small white heather flowers, he thought that if he was lucky enough to be reincarnated, he must be a heather tree in the next life, short and small, but also grow in a deserted place, the flowers bloom and the sun rises and sets, and he lives a life quietly and without dispute.

"The lad has something on his mind?" the man asked.

"No, no, I'm just thinking that if I have a next life, I want to make a heather tree myself. Ji Jun said.

"Actually, it's good to be a tree, so you don't have to worry about food and clothing. The man said.

"You don't have to care about the opinions of the people around you, just live your own life, be free and at ease. Ji Jun said.

"Yes," agreed the man, "it's almost there, young man, where are you going to stop, to go up to the bridge, or under the bridge?"

"Just leave me under the bridge, I'll wait for someone there. Ji Jun said.

"Do you know?" the man looked at Ji Jun in the rearview mirror and said with a hippie smile, "It's coming, just tonight." ”

"It?" Ji Jun looked puzzled.

"Here, twenty-five dollars. The man said with a slam of the brakes.

After getting out of the car, Ji Jun stood at the end of the Baihe Road Bridge and began to walk up slowly. The Baihe River is the mother river of Gangdong Province and the mother river of Ganchuan City. Baihe Road Bridge is an important transportation hub connecting the north and south of Yanchuan City, with a total length of more than 1,500 meters. On both sides of the bridge, there are roads designed for battery cars and bicycles, and Ji Jun is walking along this road all the way.

The further you go, the stronger the wind. Ji Jun only wore a thin sweatshirt, and he was a little trembling by the wind. He leaned on the railing and walked while looking at the scenery under the bridge. The dam, the street lights on the dam, the beach, the lights on the beach, and the weeds on the riverbank, and the boats parked by the river and the big boats working in the middle of the river.

Are these big boats fishing on the river? Or are they panning for sand? Won't they feel lonely living on boats all year round? Will they have people who can't swim? What if they can't swim and fall into the river? Ji Jun walked slowly towards the center of the bridge with a full stomach full of questions. He looked at the blackened river, then leaned back against the railing, unhurriedly took a box of cigarettes from his pocket, smoked one, and lit it for himself. There were cars stuck in traffic on the bridge, horns and chilly evening breezes.

Ji Jun looked at the cars in front of him, there were men driving Mercedes-Benz, there were women driving Volkswagen, and a Maserati was particularly eye-catching, sprayed pink by the owner, Ji Jun blindly guessed that it should be a car driven by a young girl, sure enough, the owner rolled down the window, and a young girl wearing sunglasses was looking at Ji Jun, Ji Jun smiled politely, the girl stretched out the window with one hand, made a pistol pose at Ji Jun, and then fired, pop! Ji Jun was hit! The girl blew the muzzle of the gun and signaled that the killing was completed.

There is also a man who drives a Honda, looking at the model should be a more popular Civic among young people, the man also rolled down the window to look at Ji Jun, Ji Jun made a pistol gesture aimed at his temple, and then snapped! Ji Jun was hit again, this time the brain flew out and splashed the face of the Civic owner, the Civic owner muttered a sentence in his mouth, probably scolding Ji Jun for being neurotic, and then rolled up the window, Ji Jun drooped his head and did not recover from the state of death.

Suddenly, there was a shouting and scolding in front, it turned out to be a rear-end collision, the two car owners got out of the car and theorized, and they were about to fight, at this time their eyes were all attracted by Ji Jun, because Ji Jun climbed over the railing on the side of the bridge and stood outside the guardrail, and the owners who were blocked on the bridge should have guessed what the young teenager wanted to do when he stood on the bridge.

Ji Jun turned his head to take a look, the female owner of the pink Maserati had already taken off her sunglasses and looked at herself dumbfounded, the owner of the Civic rolled down the window again, had wiped the brain on her face just now, and looked at Ji Jun like a fool, and the Mercedes-Benz owner looked at Ji Jun with a cigarette in his mouth and a look of indifference.

"Look at what, Lao Tzu is going to commit suicide. Ji Jun looked at these people and said lightly, of course no one could hear it.

Ji Jun looked at the bridge, the river surface that should have been shrouded in darkness was emitting a white shimmer at this time, the river was going upriver under the light of the shimmer, the barren river bank was no exception, the glimmer was full of hope for life, the heather flowers were blooming in every place on the riverbank, and the beautiful white butterflies were also dancing, Ji Jun couldn't help but sing the German folk song "Erika": "There is a small flower blooming in the heather, her name is Erika." ”