I remember when I was a child, my family was poor, I couldn't afford to buy a house, I lived in my aunt's house, I had to look at their family's faces every day, almost except for my aunt and my two aunts, their family looked down on us, only if there was anything to push us, every time I was happiest was my cousin from other places came back, she would take me to buy bread, would take me to the supermarket, those were the poor family I didn't dare to hope for, until later, the family situation was better, the number of times my cousin came back gradually decreased, every time I still asked my mother when my cousin would come back, but since then I have never mentioned this word again, I don't know if it's because I'm afraid my mother will be sad or I don't know how to mention it. My cousin had left me before Lai Li Jin, when I was only in the second grade, I came home at noon in the chaos and found that my mother was no longer at home, my grandmother told me, my mother went to Shanghai, my cousin was gone, I was young at that time I didn't know what "absent" meant, and then my mother came home and told me that my cousin was gone, of course, I didn't know what "gone" meant, I also asked her where my cousin "gone" went, she said, I don't have a cousin in the future. When I was younger, of course, I vaguely understood what it meant, but I didn't know my feelings and thoughts, I just felt hot all over my body, my head was confused, and I didn't feel that life was any different.

Whether it's my cousin, or my cat, or Lai Lijin, I began to fear this power that I relied on for survival but could not control, it was called "life", a force that was so fragile that I had to be strong.

I didn't review, because I had passed the entrance exam for a private junior high school in the city, and the graduation exam was nothing worth fighting for me, after all, he was gone, and no matter how good I was, there was no fun, and I didn't know why I was going to take the exam again. I just wanted to lower the score line in the class, because the isolation she instigated made me not know what class honor was, and I myself had already been born outside this so-called class.

I didn't have summer homework, and I ended the intense preparation period for the graduating class, although I was not nervous, but my parents still couldn't let go of my studies. Throughout the summer vacation, I spent the whole summer in indulgence, and every day I ran to the back mountains to play with those children of the same age in the yard. But I'm not so relaxed, and every night when I close my eyes, I think of two things, the first is whether the bright lights of heaven are still so beautiful at the moment. The second thing is what I think I should do.

Rollo's head was propped up on her arm, she kept smiling at me, she still smiled and asked me, "Then what do you think you should do?" I reached out and hugged her, looked at her face, and kissed her gently: "I think I should be like this." ”

After my lips fell on Rollo's face, we were happily snuggled up to each other, she looked at the moon in the sky and asked, "Then why don't you go home for the New Year?" I lowered my head and pulled out a cigarette, reached until the fire lit it, Rollo patted me on the back: "If it's inconvenient, forget it." I shook my head and looked at her with a smile: "A place with you is home." She closed her eyes like a child and leaned on my shoulder, and I said with some hesitation, "Actually, I would like to go back and see if I want." ”

I have very few memories of my father, and I have never known his profession, like a truck driver, and like a butcher who kills pigs, from a poor small apartment to a commercial house of hundreds of square meters, I have met him a handful of times a year, and the remaining memories are that every morning he will urge me to take two small dumbbells to the roof of the building to run, no matter the wind or rain, cold and summer. I had to go to school after the run, and he didn't get home until early in the morning, so our communication was almost zero. If there is a real memory of him, the only thing is that he suddenly left my life one day and the values he taught me. He spent very little time with me, he didn't have much time to go home, and many times he had an argument with his mother, and they thought I didn't know, but I heard it. His mother thought he didn't go home often, he said he had to earn money to support the family, and his mother said that he didn't need so much money, and the family would be fine as before. He said that his mother didn't understand, that he was tired and tired outside, but his mother didn't understand him. Almost every time the quarrel was the same, and by the next morning there was almost no trace of anything left except for the family's living expenses and a change of clothes. He was extremely generous to me and my grandmother, and every time I gave my grandmother and my grandmother thousands of odd flowers, although I was "bad" at that time, I was also thrifty, and I grew up in a poor family. Later, my father said that money is spent when it is earned, otherwise why would I make so much money. I remembered this sentence, remembered it in my heart, engraved it in my head. Later, he came home less and less, and every time he came back, he would quarrel with his mother, who said that he might have a home outside. When I was a child, I thought that they would solve the problems of adults anyway. Almost every child has a hero in their hearts, either a father or a mother. When I was a child, I was almost not scolded by him, because he did it directly, and he was at home less and less, leaving more and more money, and gradually developed the habit of unrestrained like nectar to slowly nourish the seeds of greed and enjoyment in my heart.

For me who is about to enter junior high school, there is no sense of crisis, in an environment where everything is better, I seem to be more unscrupulous, not hiding my inner desires, I can get what I want easily, no longer envy my classmates' yo-yos and toy racing cars, and no longer envy that classmate bought a cool stationery box or a beautiful book, began to learn to dress up, and began to learn to live diametrically opposite to before with the support of the huge pocket money left by my father every time, I don't know if it's good or bad, Every time my mother reprimanded me for spending money without moderation, a few of her friends or my father's friends would tell her that she would earn as much as she could, and if she hadn't developed the habit of being lazy and hardworking, if she hadn't always thought that her father could do this for the rest of his life, I might have really believed it, of course, that's all for later.

If I say that graduating from primary school means that I will be more mature, then whether it means that the three views after graduation will determine my future three views, I am not sure, but one thing is certain, everything will be exceptional, life is full of surprises and accidents, the old man said, this is called fate, should not come, it is already doomed. And I prefer to be more scientific, every choice I make is nothing more than a branch of a timeline, and I happen to be in this timeline, maybe I in another timeline made the opposite choice to me, but not as good as me, although I know that he is likely to be better off than me, but people, in the face of things that don't want to believe, there will always be some excuses to make themselves more willing to believe self-comfort, otherwise what else can I do.

I fell in love with the feeling when I started to learn to defy my elders and my parents, I didn't know if it was right or wrong, but I gradually came to believe that I must be right, because they did so much wrong, and I was always looking for excuses for my change, and I never wanted to believe that it was my own responsibility. Perhaps, I didn't even notice that I had slowly changed. Whether it is good or bad, there is no way to tell, because I don't want to believe in all the original rules of this world, the good and bad defined by others, and the future defined by others. I don't believe it anymore, but I can't summarize these disbeliefs when I'm young, so I can't even convince myself, perhaps, I'm still dominated by the original right and wrong and think that what I think is wrong.

My mother complained to me in my ear from time to time, and at that time I lived in the so-called "home" where this "happiness" was empty, I could feel her suffering, I could only extract that she said that her father was not good and so on, at that time my heart was extremely resistant, but after all, I was still young, and my thoughts would not be so deep-rooted, after all, the child's memory is one night, and I don't remember anything the next day after sleeping, and that kind of resistance is the same. No matter how short the memory is, it can't compete with the implantation day after day, and gradually I began to understand my mother, not so deeply, but I just felt that it was wrong for my father to do this.

It wasn't until later that I was rebellious, like Li Yuanxi and Li Yuanze now, who chose to go out by myself, the only difference from them was that what I wanted was to escape, I didn't have so many big dreams, perhaps, there were, but I was shattered. The so-called life is that my mother gave birth to me, and I tried to live, yes, in the future, it became my dream to live.

My father left our "home" and left quietly, and when the creditor came to the door, I learned that my father owed more than 5 million gambling debts and ran away. During this period, I went back once, my mother cried very sadly, my grandmother also hid in the room and wept silently, and the court seized one of our houses, leaving only one for us to live in. That empty shell was also shattered, and the "home" that they had carefully built with "happiness" and "satisfaction" was also shattered with the summons of the court.

Later, being alive went from being my dream to my responsibility.

Lorro heard this and touched my back: "I'm sorry. I looked at her and shook my head, "No, it's nothing, you should know." She put her head on my shoulder again. I dropped the cigarette butt in my hand, picked up the beer next to me, lit another cigarette, and continued.

I went to Beijing alone, worked as a waiter, washed dishes, and even picked up garbage, lived in the basement arranged by the restaurant at that time, only the ticking sound of the ceiling leaking accompanied me at night, every night after work, I hid in the basement to read, read all kinds of books, with a notebook left before, find a variety of skills suitable for myself to teach, and then I began to try to apply for jobs in those companies, but my academic qualifications limited me.