Qiao Nan:

You've read so many books, I wonder if you've ever read a book about Tibet?

In Tibetan Buddhism, there is a specific festival in April called the Saga Dawa Festival. To celebrate this festival, the monks of the temple work together to complete a sand painting, and the place where they paint it is called the "mandala".

In the minds of believers, the "mandala" is the abode of the Buddha, the world of the Buddha, so they must show the greatest sincerity to build a colorful and beautiful world.

Before painting, the monks drew the outline of the mandala on a clean floor to strict proportions, which was then filled with colored fine sand. In this process, it is necessary to be extremely careful, patient, and to complete every detail that is so small that it is impossible to see with the utmost devotion. It is this spirit of craftsmanship that allows them to create a world of unparalleled beauty with sand.

On the most important day of Saga Dawa, this "mandala" is to be visited by the faithful. I'm not a Buddhist, but the descriptions are so magnificent, and their devotion to the faith is so touching that I want to see it myself.

But I don't have a chance, because after the festival is over, the monks will "destroy" the mandala. A world that has worked hard for a month, or even longer, can be erased without hesitation. The colorful "mandala" disappears, and the colored sand mixes together and turns back into an inconspicuous pile of sand. The outline drawn on the ground was also erased as if nothing had ever existed.

At the moment when the mandala was completely destroyed, I was deeply shocked - isn't life just a mandala? I have been busy all my life, and finally I have seen prosperity in an instant, but in a moment, prosperity has become a handful of sand in my hand. In the end, people are just a wisp of dust.

Qiao Nan, smart as you, you know what I want to say, right?

Last time on the eve of your birthday, I was diagnosed with cancer. The sudden collapse of the world was not enough to describe my panic and anger at that time. I couldn't help but ask the doctor, why me? Why do I have this disease when I'm so young?

The doctor said four words regretfully - overwork becomes a disease.

I spent a day in the hospital, thinking about my short life. In order to get away from my family of origin, I often learned to have nosebleeds, and from high school to college, I only slept for a maximum of five hours a day because I was afraid that others would overtake me.

I told you that I knew I didn't look good when I climbed up like this, but it had become a habit of mine. I don't allow myself to lose to anyone but you. Perennial high-intensity busyness, fearful of competitors, and discomfort that never cared about, eventually caused the deadliest killer - lymphoma.

Qiao Nan, the person I love the most, do you know how much I missed you during that time? I have never been so vulnerable, so eager for your care, I want you to accompany me through those most difficult days, but I can't help it......

Because I know your temper, the moment you learn the truth, you will turn out of the dormitory, shake off the pursuit of pickets, bump into the classmates standing guard, and run all the way to Beijing; I know you, with your blood, you can definitely do it; even if you don't, you will stay by my side, accompany me on the last journey, and push everything you have aside.

And once you do that, all your dreams will come to naught, and you will even be expelled from school outright. I've done a lot of wrong things, and I can't hold you back like this anymore.

Maybe you'll blame me, you could have waited a year and waited until you graduated before joining the special forces. But the ancients said it well, tomorrow after tomorrow, tomorrow is so much? I wanted to write, I wanted to start writing last year, but I was too tired from studying, so I thought about writing again this year! As a result, I still didn't write a word this year. It is also possible that I will never write in this life.

So whatever you want to do, you must do it while the blood is still cold. Maybe it's only a moment in time and your life will be turned upside down.

Lying in the hospital bed, seeing that the leaves outside were all gone, I wondered over and over again what the meaning of life was. When the ambition is not fulfilled, it is extremely depressing, but after the ideal is realized, it will feel empty. One way or another, people will regret it. And the only thing we can do is to make sure that we don't regret it now.

So, can you understand now why I support you so much to become a special forces? I remember that when you were in high school, you wrote an essay that said, "A man should be in a dangerous situation, how can he let Ruguan miss this life"? I have always admired your ideals. Qiao Nan, life is too short, in your best years, do what you like the most and become the person you want to be the most!

So, I'm sorry I hid it from you, but I convinced Mr. Li that you still owe me a "thank you".

In the last moments of my life, I returned to Port City. Although Port City is not my hometown, it is here to give me my dreams. After being recruited by Mr. Li to the second middle school, I stood on tiptoe and looked up at the clouds for the first time

Know, I can also have beautiful dreams and fantasize about my future life.

My dream has not been fulfilled, but Port City is still a place that haunts me. When I came back, I found Ms. Li and confessed my illness to her. Tell her that human life doesn't have to be long, so be sure to do what you love as soon as possible.

I put the documentary of your participation in the contest into MP4 and watched it over and over every day, and I kept it on my chest when I went to sleep, as if you were next to me. I showed the documentary to Teacher Li, and she cried and didn't speak for a long time. But I know that she has agreed with your choice.

One of my favorite scenes in the whole documentary is when you sit on the floor resting and the director asks you, "Are you tired?"

You smile and say, "How can you not be tired? Everybody is tired." But I'm happier because I'm doing what I love. ”

The director asked again: "You have suffered so much, do your family know about it?"

"It should ...... You know, right?"

"Is there anything you want to tell your family in particular? We can edit it for you and send it to your family. ”

You say, "No, it's too numb...... However, I really wanted my family to see me in a military uniform. ”

You lean your face closer to the camera and whisper, "Especially for my girlfriend." ”

You're so shy. My favorite boy, you were so shy that you didn't know what to do, and you got up and ran.

The director's laughter is also recorded, and you run back and say to the director, "Don't broadcast this!"

But they kept it. If I were a director, I would have stayed!

A young warrior wearing a steel helmet and camouflage, holding a steel gun in his hand. Crawling and rolling in the desolate mountains, full of pride and enthusiasm. But when facing the camera, when talking about family and lovers, I was too shy to know what to do. Who's the cutest person? I think it has to be this warrior.

After watching this video, Mr. Li told me about your growth experience. To be honest, I've heard some rumors before, but I never thought that your background would be so bumpy. I can't imagine that the person I love the most, behind the bright smile, hides the pain that no one knows.

I remember when I first entered high school, you were the first in your class in the first monthly exam. It's something I can't stand and I'm trying my best to get ahead of you. I'm even very jealous of you - you have such a good family, you are handsome, and you are so good at studying? No, I must surpass you!

After studying hard with you for a semester, the top two in the class were contracted by the two of us. But in the final exam, neither of us actually took the first place. The first is my roommate Jinzi, you are the second, and I am the third. The golden child was also stunned, she never thought of being the first. She joked, "The snipe and the clam fight, and the fisherman profits", I heard it, and then I fell on the table and cried.

It was a holiday that day, and there weren't too many people in the classroom. I was crying sadly, and a boy said next to me: "It's cold in high places, you are always the first, you are not afraid of being frozen to death?

That's right, that guy is you. I remember that was the first time you took the initiative to talk to me, and I was amused by you.

I must have been ugly at that time, right? I wore old-fashioned glasses, cut my short hair, and still had tears on my face, but I couldn't hold back my laughter.

When I looked up at you, you were gone, your back was very tall, and there were two words written on your body - free and easy.

From that moment on, I observed you, consciously or unconsciously. What books do you read in reading class, what revision materials do you buy, and who do you talk to...... When you play football, you will pick up your clothes to wipe your sweat, and when you come back from delivering garbage, you will directly pull your clothes to wipe your hands. In my eyes, everything about you is so spontaneous and cute.

In the first semester of high school, our class president was reported for embezzlement of class fees, and after he was forced to change classes, a big problem was in front of our class - no one wanted to be class president.

For us in the experimental class, our minds are full of Qingbei Jiaofu, it is 211, 985, there is no benefit to being the class leader, and we have to spend a lot of energy to help the class teacher work. Teacher Lu asked us to recommend, and we all had candidates, but no one said it.

Still Jinzi has courage, she said: "I recommend Qiao Nan!"

Immediately afterward, others responded. You sneaked a glance at you sitting in the back row, you shouldn't have imagined that you are already very low-key, why do everyone still choose you as the squad leader?

I can't tell, even though I have you in mind as the class president. "Leadership temperament" is a very abstract thing, if I have to say, I think, it can be summed up as a "sense of steadfastness". As long as you're there, we feel grounded.

As it turns out, we didn't mislook at anyone, and you did a great job. There have been so many class leaders since I was a child, and you are the best. It's not that I'm saying that because you're my boyfriend, it's that everyone says that.

In high school, you didn't see any pain at all, and you were always so bright. And I, a humble and ugly little grass, in a shady and damp corner, silently looking at you in the sun, longing to talk to you one day. So that hospitalization, opening my heart to you through the door panel is the warmest memory of my high school.

When I went to college, I studied more frantically than before, maybe I was mentally rich, but my heart was always barren. For a long time, the blank space of family and friendship always made me hold back. I used to call myself the most unfortunate person in the world, but after listening to Mr. Li's narration, I realized my narrow-mindedness - if you want to say unfortunate, you should be even more than me. However, you never let those misfortunes swallow up the sunshine in your life, but strive to grow into a towering nanmu, which can accept more sunshine and rain and dew, and become the most reliable shelter for relatives and friends.

So I sighed again, what a wonderful person the person I love!

Qiao Nan, "Helpless Flowers Fall" has been published, and you should be able to see it after the training camp. I wanted to tell you before that the article "Six Tales of Floating Life" was written for you. I fantasize about my future life, I don't have the concept of "home", so I want to create the warmest family with the people I love the most. "Yun Niang" is the kind of person I want to be, I'm afraid I don't have a chance. But I believe that there will be a more perfect "Yun Niang" waiting for you in the dark, loving you and taking care of you for me.

The remuneration for "Helpless Flowers Falling" is 60,000 yuan, and I divide it into three parts. The treatment mainly relied on my scholarship and usual savings, which cost about 20,000 yuan, saved 20,000 yuan for a regular period and took it out when my younger brother became an adult, no matter where he spent it, but I had fulfilled my responsibility as an eldest sister; and I donated the remaining 20,000 yuan to No. 2 Middle School in the name of "bursary fund". At that time, the No. 2 Middle School waived all my tuition and miscellaneous fees and gave me a scholarship, which I will never forget. Twenty thousand is a lot, but it's my life savings. If the book is republished in the future, all the income from the author's remuneration will also be donated to the No. 2 Middle School.

Kaneko communicated with the school and set up a foundation in my name. She told me that no matter what others would do, she would mobilize our classmates to donate to the foundation every year to set a good example for the students and sisters of the second middle school, so that they could see the power of our 50-level experimental class......

At the time of writing, the amount of the fund is nearly $40,000. There were also many classmates who donated money for me, but I refused. I, Xue Dongmei, how can I get such help from everyone. But when I was diagnosed, it was at an advanced stage, there was no hope of recovery, and the surgery was meaningless. I know that my life has come to an end, and I don't need to spend any more money and effort, I just want to leave with less pain, and it is better to see you.

In life, people must always leave something. I left a foundation for my alma mater, Gangcheng No. 2 Middle School, two essays and a literary review for Tsinghua University, and 20,000 yuan for my family. What do I want to leave for you, my beloved boy?

I think you must have left a "dream" for you! You are still young, and if you have a dream, you have everything.

As of now, your training camp is not over, and it is snowing in the port city. I look forward to you coming to me like the first snow.

I can still write these days, and suddenly I remember the past again. When you were in high school, you used to bring buns for boarding students. I wanted you to bring one for me, but I didn't have the courage. In the future, when you come to see me, bring me a bun! This time it's just for me, okay?

Also, in my sophomore year at the train station, the movie I told you about, "Love Before Dawn" and "Love at Sunset", I don't know if there will be a third one. If so, could you please tell me the ending, did Jesse and Selena get together?

The mind is in a trance, only awake at this moment. I'm most worried that you won't be able to let go, so I'll tell you the story of "Mandala". When I think about it, I have had the best things I have ever had—I have been admitted to the best university, I have a good teacher who has nurtured me, I have a good friend to whom I can be, and I have had the most perfect love...... All prosperity is in the sand, I used to have it, and now I can completely let it go.

The short loss in life is all for the sake of getting better later. So, Qiao Nan, the person I love the most, don't grieve for me. With flowers in full bloom in spring, cicadas singing in summer, a bright moon hanging in the sky in autumn, and snow-covered ground in winter, this world is more beautiful than you can imagine. And I will be with you.

Qiao Nan, the hottest and bright boy in my heart, the person I love the most in my life, from now on, you have to go to Tibet for me to see the mandala, live warmly for me, embrace this beautiful world for me, and ...... Love for me.

Promise me, okay?

Dongmei's masterpiece

2007.2.8 in Port City

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