989 small and powerless

-Outside Ward 1701, M Hospital-

March 23rd

21：57 PM

Perhaps, we should really listen to our parents, and their words are not unreasonable, but now we realize that it will be too late.

There are always so many bugs in the world, and if you accidentally step on a thunderbolt, you can't prevent it at all. However, our life still needs to go on, although the road of foot money is not clear, but we still need to lift our legs and take steps, we can't stagnate in one position, and we can't keep making a mistake repeatedly.

We always need to stop like this in our lives, right? There are always times in our lives when we need to think, but our thinking is really not all meaningful thinking, because we think about a lot of meaningless things every day, and Caiyue knows that she is fantasizing a lot of the time.

Sometimes fantasize about things that haven't happened, and sometimes fantasize about how things that have already happened can happen.

It is true that there are many things in the world that we never expected but that happen, but that doesn't mean that we don't know everything, right? From the experience of her parents, Caiyue feels that the world is not completely unknown. His father seemed to be on the right track at every step, could he have known in advance?

Looking back, she suddenly thought about how much she knew about her father, and she suddenly felt that maybe she didn't know much about her father, but was she already very familiar with Yang Yuan?

Perhaps.

But the mother and herself have long said that she does not like her children to confuse friendship and love, and they have obviously reached the time when they need to distinguish between friendship and love.

Mother also said that in fact, you can't get to know anyone to the point of being very good, because people's minds and minds are very complicated, and people like to do strange things behind their backs. Therefore, although the sunshine is new in the morning, but the thoughts in people's hearts are not renewed, people may still live in yesterday, live in the past, and even live in sorrow and pain, live in attachment and misfortune, because they have not seen the new sunshine, their lives are still yesterday's haze, which is very sad, but it is not possible to change by relying on human strength, because people are sometimes very small, very powerless.

What do you rely on to comfort such a person who "lived yesterday"? So, there is no way.

What do you rely on to comfort yourself, Cai Yue thought, now she is the object of comfort, this is really ironic, she is not sick or sick, and the patients are not depressed, she has some such tendencies.

Cai Yue felt that she seemed to understand a little bit of that kind of person - what depression is, simply put, it is a gap in the heart or a pile that cannot be resolved. Originally, our mind also needs to be "metabolized", but for some reason this function fails. So, what was yesterday is still in my heart, the day before yesterday is still there, and even a year ago is still there, how can such a heart be healthy, it also needs a clean space.

Cai Yue found out that because her heart was also full of yesterday's sorrow. Why does something that seems to happen happen by accident have so much impact on a person's life, and even have an absolute impact on a person's future direction? Caiyue doesn't know now, but she knows that she is one of the many powerless people, she is very weak, there is no way to change anything, she is very passive in such a change, she can't change Xiuxiang, she can't change that Wu Minshuo, and she can't even change herself; what should I do?

Fortunately, Xiuxiang's tracking career seems to be over, probably this is not the "bad consequence" of tracking, right? Caiyue doesn't want to distinguish this now.

However, why did you think of Yang Lan at this time, probably she also noticed something different, Cai Yue felt that the atmosphere of the past few days was a little different, because Yang Lan's eyes were a little strange, why would she be afraid of him leaving her now? Cai Yue never felt how much she relied on Yang Lan, but in fact, had she been deceiving herself? Perhaps, Cai Yue didn't know, she now felt that her favorite sentence to say was: I don't know.

Yes, I don't know.

Yes, I don't know.

Yes, I don't know anything.

It's an acknowledgment.

It is also a kind of declaration.

It is an admission of one's own incompetence.

It is also a declaration of awe.

Yes, we are very small, we are like sand, we are like worms, we can't do anything, in this huge world, how small we are, Cai Yue was very surprised, she thought of insignificance at this time, when she called Uncle John before, she also felt that everything could be done easily, science has been very developed, medicine has been very developed, but after communicating with them, in fact, medicine ...... There's still a long way to go.

All hope was shattered like a soap bubble. Everything, like a soap bubble, can be thought to be a crystal house before Caiyue.

So, she sighed again, what can we do about the world? Can we change the weather? Can we change history? Can we change the country? Can we change ourselves?

990 Walking Box

-Outside Ward 1701, M Hospital-

March 23rd

22：00 PM

Caiyue feels that her insignificance now lies in the fact that "she can't even change herself".

People often think that it is very simple to change ourselves, because others may not really listen to us, but we should always speak for ourselves. However, this is not the case.

It's not the first time that Caiyue has found that it's easy to "get out of control". For example, if you want to get angry, it doesn't work out, just like the last time I went to communicate with Chen Tao and Wu Minshuo, I don't know why I was persuaded, and I was almost "rebelled". And when I don't want to be angry, I can't help it, and when I don't want to be sad, I can't help myself.

I already have doubts about my self-control, yes, Caiyue used to know that she was an indulgent person, although she was stubborn, but fortunately, she was realistic about herself, knew what virtue she was, and had self-knowledge (this is also Xiuxiang's comment, she also took this as a great advantage for herself). But she always felt that what kind of life to live was just a choice for herself, and the subtext was that the choice was up to her, and if she chose another path, for example, to live a life of self-restraint, she could do it. And that's another choice for yourself, maybe another "life". Perhaps, the other life is not so easy.

In other words, she felt in her heart that she had the ability to control everything about herself, but now she had doubts about herself, and it seemed that people's minds would change.

Maybe it has something to do with recent events, in Xiuxiang she saw the helplessness and insignificance of people, there must be some power in this world that secretly controls us, and that power is unfathomable. Completely unpredictable.

It's as if the system can reset our time, and our lives are shortened all of a sudden, and the time that has passed, comes back. And how does the system do it, and only reset the relational? It's incredible.

If, think that such a thing doesn't matter, it may be a big mistake, Caiyue has been in guilt these days, she feels that she has to change, even 180 degrees of change, if you think this thing is fun, that thing doesn't matter, it's okay to do this, then it's OK to do it, then it will inevitably become indifferent to anything, so it may form a situation where you can't be interested in anything, if you live with such an attitude, sooner or later one day will cause a big disaster, maybe you don't know the meaning of life and do nothing to follow the rules The harm to human beings is small, but self-righteousness, big grin, thinking that innocent and cute, debauchery, dashing and other labels that beautify their behavior can do whatever they want, to put it bluntly, they are not "do whatever you want", it is difficult for Caiyue to analyze herself so deeply, probably she thinks it is all her own fault.

When we think it's fun, we get serious, and we do even the most ridiculous things, which are called popular, and we have to try even the most nonsensical things, which are called freedom, so are we confused ourselves?

This way of living may or may invisibly turn the world upside down, but we don't know, we don't know anything, we don't know what we are doing in this world! We think we are taking one path, but in fact we are taking another path. Therefore, you can't take it for granted, and you can't be confused. Caiyue now knows that she is really incompetent. Although she is trying her best to change, she really can't get better, and it's even difficult for her to change.

Make up your mind, and after a while, the determination is eaten as food.

Today's resolve, laughed at by tomorrow's food.

Although she wants to do everything she can to help Hideka, can she really do it? She sees her own limitations, or the limitations of science. In Hideka's impression, Old Uncle John is almost omnipotent, but how much can Old Uncle John help himself, and how much can he change.

It's too early to recover as before, it's still very early. Perhaps none of this can be changed. Cai Yue's heart produced the Nth "very" sorrow since this happened, every time this sadness spread in his heart, it was interrupted by other things, but now it was completely presented in front of Cai Yue's eyes, and the sadness even exceeded the anger of the day.

It has nothing to do with Wu Minshuo, it has nothing to do with Chen Tao, it has nothing to do with Yang Lan, it has nothing to do with that Dr. Li, it has nothing to do with anyone, it has nothing to do with others, it has nothing to do with the world, this is both reality and hope. It's all her own fault, she feels that she is a Pandora's box in reality, but the legendary one is a box, and she is just a living walking "box".

Just like Caiyue is now in a sad mood, expecting the departure of her closest and most trusted good friend Yang Lan, she can't help but try her best to recall the picture of Yang Lan leaving her in her mind, and also make up for him to a far away place, and she has to be separated from him, but she also thinks that even if Yang Lan goes anywhere, she can't find him.