The backfire was that I became more depressed.

I think I'm really overthinking, I've been in the library for so long, but I can't find the answer I want, what am I sure of?Am I really taking responsibility for Wen Yu's future? I searched hard for every word in my mind, and even turned myself into a depressed philosopher, my head collapsed, and I finally found out why I had this thought.

I want to make myself purposeful, I want to do something that I think is meaningful, in the final analysis, I want to find a sense of existence, I am so insecure, and then I think that Wen Yu may be as insecure as me, I assume a false proposition, and then find all kinds of reasons to explain the importance of this proposition, I am simply ridiculous.

I finally understood what my motivation was, which was to make my backwater life a little more turbulent.

Wen Yu saw my abnormality, and felt that I was acting strangely these days, speaking quietly and gently, and my previous sense of humor was gone.

She said, "Chen Zhuo, what's wrong with you?

I said, "I'm fine, isn't it normal?"

She said, "You're not kidding me anymore." ”

I said, "Am I not good enough to be poor in front of you?"

"I want to have a big meal," she said. ”

I hesitated for a moment and said, "Okay." ”

The meal Wen Yu said is actually a self-service casserole in the canteen, you can choose your own ingredients, and the taste is also delicious. My money was almost gone, and I basically spent my last doctor's visit, so I borrowed 500 yuan from Qingqing.

Eating a casserole when it's cold is particularly enjoyable, putting a little more chili pepper and then a little vinegar, it is not an exaggeration to say that Wen Yu and me are a gift in winter.

For some reason, Lao Hou returned to China, no one taught us lessons, I was wrapped in the quilt all day long, watching the dawn and waiting for dark, and I didn't want to go anywhere, so I was extremely bored, except for eating and sleeping, basically nothing else to do.

Panpan and Haibin are all day long in the Internet café, because the Internet café in the morning has a 5% discount, they always go to bed in the afternoon, get up at night, go straight to the Internet café, and then play until noon, in the words of the seaside: I think I am about to become a fairy. Xiao An went to his girlfriend's place these days, probably because he wanted to cook raw rice as soon as possible. Qingqing went to the classroom step by step every day, he was thoughtful, because Xu Hongyu was there.

I pondered when I had nothing to do, and I scribbled a few poems that didn't look like poetry, which was enough to add a lot of fun to my boring routine.

I'll just excerpt a few songs and put them below, I think it's still a bit meaningful:

/ Three songs of winter

Falling Leaves

Old trees don't stay

Abandon all that once had a sharp edge

Exposed

Pale a season of pride

At the end of the year, I was alone

It should know

Even if you are beckoning vigorously

It's just tears

How did it know?

Ye Luo was trampled on the ground without complaint

Remnants of pride

Continued the promise of a lifetime

Night Wind

Drifting around

It's not for wandering

Alone

Cooled everything down the noise of the city

listen

He's singing for the world

Like a song from a secluded valley

Distant desolation

Gone for a while

Nobody knows

It chilled itself first

In the dark

Look for a corner where warmth remains

Deliver never-ending sound

Drifting Snow

Quietly and softly

Fall into a tree

Like wearing a wedding dress

Wait for the groom to hold the hand

Let me be the bridegroom of the tree once

Wash her away

Quietly and softly

Float to the roof

Slowly melts away and turns into ice water

Frozen tile tip

and made the decoration of the hall

Quietly and softly

Stay in the haystack by the river

Count in your heart

This is the first few brilliant seasons

How many springs, summers and autumns have been completed

snow

Quietly and softly

Winter's sincere messenger

I felt its peace

Silent melody

Frozen in that snowy winter/

/ "Years Later"

Years later

I turned myself into patches of weeds

In the succession of the four seasons

Unbridled growth

Someone came to herd the sheep

I will make the sheep go back satisfied

Someone came and set the fire

I'll challenge them

I'm not afraid of death

I'm afraid that I will accidentally destroy the roots

No matter how strong life is

There will always be an end

Many years later

Someone will ask

That dusk after the rain

Isn't there a lot of freedom that has nowhere to go/

/ About survival

"One" Lost Dreams

I have a boat

In the Dead Sea of survival

There's no life there

And, no one cares

And I'm paddling in this boat

Back and forth

"Two" is no longer simple

I've had it too

Wake up in the early morning

At that time, there was only one color in the early morning

I've had it too

The innocence of youth

At that time, the boy slept in a diary

I've had it too

A breezy day

At that time, the breeze was blowing, and it was peaceful

"Three" makes the present pass

Let the present pass

Don't pick it up again

Nor can we aspire to the future

Those things

Those wrapped with authority

Disgusts me

Someday

I was separated from them in a different world

I'm going to rejoice

I would be delighted

Even if you are happy for a minute or a second

I'm going to show it to the fullest

otherwise

Just die early

Be a person

And I forgot the way

I also forgot that I couldn't help myself

So, those people

A swarm of rats

Stole my motivation

Stealing me from the world

The only thing that works

I'm going to be with them

Buried under the mud

forever

No more scourge of the good, /

/ "Walking Through Life"

This time, zero o'clock

I dissipated my weariness

Work began

I've always wanted to send my soul

- to those who need it

Now I have to feel alone

Throw the empty space upside down to death

The night breeze is really a bit cold

My mind froze

Pedestrians get lost in the black

No sound can be heard

However, I'm alone

Looking at the years that have passed quietly

I can't bear to go back to sleep

I want to keep my mission in mind

Towards yourself, into death/

/ "To My Lover"

Stone steps at night

Loneliness alone

A corner of the road that clings coldly

You came out of the darkness

The street lights clear your face

I want to stop you

I stopped you

You are so eye-catching

Neither can the night hide you

I said, come with me

You're smiling sweetly

I also smiled sweetly

Also warmed up the stone steps

Also melts loneliness/

/ "Bedside Dreams"

Leatherskin pillows

A couple of old books

A vintage green pen

Next to my bed

Waiting

A dream like a flower

The dream came

- In this concrete-overgrown place

People who wander everywhere

Look up at its brilliance

The toils of life were dispersed

The dream went

Far away into the unknown

A city shrouded in black and white

Everywhere there is the life of some people

Everywhere are the ruins of the majority

I woke up from a dream

Thin pillow book pen

It's just that they haven't disappeared yet

Next to my bed

Still quietly

Waiting for a dream that never came/

/ "Broken Wound"

Piercing the moonlight like silver

One by one

Pierce the ruins left behind by the ancient city

The shadow remains bright

The black that fell quietly also left typhoid fever

Listen to the wind

It was a sharp sword that stabbed the palm of the hand

It also pierced the waves of water under the afterglow

A lonely war

An unmanned battlefield

from now on

It became a broken wound/

/"In Search of Memory"

O Lord Almighty

Destroy me and let me be born again

I am a devout believer

I beg you to recast me

May you promise me

After my death

Everything I love can be kept

Rivers, flowers, and fields

Keep my relatives, friends, lovers

Keep the past, the present, and the unknown future

I will be honed in hell

I will endure hellfire of varying degrees

Although I can't bear it

May the Lord help me to sprinkle a little holy water

Before I was powerless

Drain all painful memories

I will be taken to heaven

The angels will lead me to visit all the beautiful places

There are no houses there

No one works

There was everything I wanted to see there

Then, I went back to the world

Everything around me is there

Just yourself

Like an amnesiac in all stories

Slowly remembering, slowly searching for memories /

This was my mental state at that time, and Wen Yu was right to think that I was abnormal, and I felt that I was a little nervous.