I'm really going to be a different person.

Yuan Changwen felt the fear that he would dissipate, as if as long as he made up his mind, he would fall into the abyss. Moreover, it is not the abyss that you will suffer endless torture, it is the part that decides to fall into the abyss that will dissipate.

This thinking is about to disappear, and the role of Yuan Changwen no longer exists. There is something new that will be born, but I dare not let go and am not willing to leave. It's as if I'm who I am, I'm the truth.

It's not enough, it's not enough to kill yourself. The reason why I can still hold on is because there is still something that has not been killed. When all the twists in my head are slashed, I have nothing to hold onto, and the whole core will collapse.

I was scared, praying that I wouldn't leave, that this wouldn't happen.

Damn it.

I should leave, there is no one in the first place, and it is all a pile of falsehoods. Why can't I leave? Why can't I dissipate? The so-called me is not real, it is no different from a piece of shit, it is just a picture element.

It should die, it should dissipate, there is no reason to talk about it, and there is nothing left behind. Any leeway is a kind of appeasement, throw it away, and there is no reason to keep it.

Maybe it's not enough to rot enough that the walls of thought can still exist, and I can continue to hold on to the walls and not let go. It's not over yet, and I don't know when it's going to end.

The first step that the teacher talked about has been bothering me for a long time. Before I knew it, I was looking at the teacher's map, and whether I had taken the first step was a question I often asked myself.

If you don't take the first step, will you stop, can you get out of this dark lake and go back to the empire to continue to grow your family or something?

This idea is a dependency in itself, a fear in itself.

I don't know what the first step is, I don't know anything and I don't want to know. The teacher's words were like a spell, leading me into the slaughter at first, constantly reminding me, constantly protecting me from a fork in the road, and constantly urging me to keep going.

But now, the teacher's words have become an obstacle. Because I take the teacher's words as true, the so-called map is still just a guess. The status of a teacher is still sacred, but I am always obsessed with whether I have taken the first step.

Because the teacher said that after taking the first step, everything will follow. Just like skydiving, it's impossible to get back on the plane after taking the first step. Before you take the first step, anything you do about skydiving is just theory.

I'm worried that I'm not taking the first step, I'm scared of killing the thing itself. Just like I am afraid of other things, I am still shrouded in fear, and I am still in the game of fear of that bewitching woman.

Maybe I didn't take the first step, maybe I did, I don't know. Right, I don't know if I'm taking the first step until it's all over.

After it was over, whether the killing was completed or not, it was then that I realized whether my efforts in so many chapters were completed or the logical reasoning of theory enthusiasts.

Slashing isn't about showing off your knowledge, or about gaining more. On the contrary, it is through thinking to see that you don't really know, and to see clearly that those so-called knowings are just a guess.

Therefore, the teacher's words also fall into the category of "I don't know". Since I don't know, there's nothing to say, what first steps or something, please get out of my head.

What if you can't take the first step in your life? What if you can't kill it in your life? What if you fail? What if you waste your time? What if you lose your life?

.

What qualifications do you have to talk about words like cherishing if you don't come and don't exist?

Reality never stops existing, and I don't need to cherish it if I want to, because it won't disappear at all. It's hard for me to imagine what the so-called reality is, something outside of time, an infinite everything, what it is.

I always subconsciously put time outside of reality, like fantasizing about infinity forming limitations, and then the limitations are constantly changing, causing what I perceive to change. But this imagination itself already denies infinity, itself believing that infinity is only a part of the passage of time.

It's like TV hasn't changed, but TV content is. This kind of imagination is an acknowledgment that time is beyond infinity. So, what do I know? Any parable is misleading, where can it be made clear?

And I, the character of Yuan Changwen, think that everything I know can explain everything? Where does this blind self-confidence come from?

The funny thing is that when facing life events, this blind self-confidence is gone, and I return to the embrace of fear and tremble.

There is no reason and no explanation, what I have to do now is to kill all the explanations, and kill those I know. What else do I know besides "I exist"?

And in the presence of uncertain time, any rhetoric becomes precarious. No matter how tempting the promise, no matter how terrifying the future, those lives, dreams, money, lives, etc., will become a joke.

The teacher's words are still lingering, and the so-called map is constantly presenting in my mind. Am I on the right track? Am I taking the first step? Am I coming to what the teacher calls a few stages?

In the first stage, he saw something he wasn't supposed to know, so he started to kill.

The second stage, slashing the speculation, slashing the things that are firmly protected by emotions, is the beginning of getting rid of the anchor.

The third stage deals with the consequences of the loss of all this.

Keep matching, keep telling yourself, "Hey, I'm on the right track, hey, I'm not wrong." ”

.

Is that the whole life stuck here? Because this is in line with the teacher's words? Isn't it that I don't move forward? Does the teacher's words become the final truth? Is the behavior of pinning emotions on the teacher's words persistent? Is it the anchor that pulls the ship of life?

What the first step, I don't know. The efforts of so many chapters, the metaphors that seem to make sense, the understandings that seem good, all have to be thrown away. Those things exist only to slash, and if I hold on to them, I'm only going to get stuck on the other side of the binary.

Yuan Changwen didn't know what to do, and he didn't know how to continue, as if he was in an unprecedented trouble. But then I thought that I hadn't finished killing yet, so how could I stop so easily?

False deception, as good as it feels, is deception, and I don't need it. The funny thing is that the so-called "I" exists precisely because of deception. So, who is profiting in the end?