Today is the last day of 2018.

I feel like I owe it to myself. Although the current life is very embarrassing and the mood is still at a low point, the heart path that should be written, the voice that should be summarized, and the dream that should be chased should be continued today.

I hope that next year will be a new beginning, especially for my state of mind.

Before next year comes, I'm going to end what I should have ended and heal what I should have healed......

In March 2018, I began to accompany Xiaoshi to the hospital for prenatal checkups. It feels like everything is unknown and novel.

Before, when I was not married, I was always afraid that if one day, I had to accompany my wife to the prenatal checkup, what should I do? I was so unconfident, I was afraid that I would not be able to do anything......

However, God unexpectedly put me on the road to fatherhood at a low point, so I had to face the unknown despite my fear.

Fear is fear because there is ignorance, and not understanding means not being able to control. One of the weaknesses of human nature is the fear of things that are out of your control.

However, when you understand and are familiar with and in control, then the fear will disappear and the confidence will appear.

So, after I accompanied Xiaoshi through one or two prenatal checkups, I got used to it.

Accustomed to watching couples waiting for a call, watching couples asking, watching many pregnant women holding test results with a big belly by themselves; accustomed to reading the contents of the maternal and infant handbook; accustomed to the "Red Bull" in the wallet being dragged out for slaughter, the numbers in the bank card are quickly "counting down", and the change in WeChat is getting closer and closer to zero......

It's not scary to have a prenatal checkup, it's scary to spend money when I don't have a job......

So, when my money ran out, Xiaoshi continued to pay for the prenatal checkup. Since then, a lot of money that needs to be spent has come from small poems.

As for when this consumption situation will end, I think it will be after I start working and have an income. However, that time has not yet come......

In the middle of Xiaoshi's pregnancy, I felt a new life experience......

In the middle of the night, I would be suddenly woken up by a small poem: "My dear, I ...... I...... Foot cramps...... It hurts!"

I would wake up immediately and climb to the end of the bed to massage her feet. Sometimes, two or three times a night.

Or perhaps, in some other dreams in the middle of the night, I will still be gently woken up by Xiao Shi: "Honey, I have a nightmare." ”

Then, I will hug her tenderly: "Don't be afraid, don't be afraid, I'm here." What are you dreaming about?"

She sometimes sobs with fear: "I dream of a lot of snakes......"

Well, she often dreamed of snakes during those days. So, I went online to check Zhou Gong's interpretation of dreams. Most of the results found are that pregnant women dream of snakes, and it is a good omen to give birth to a boy or something like that.

Therefore, whenever she has a nightmare, I will help her check Zhou Gong's interpretation of the dream, and see that the interpretation of the dream is good, then her mood can be much calmer.

Get used to it, just fine.

Since Xiaoshi is pregnant, the cleaning of her clothes has been my business.

Sometimes, she would ask me to help her shower. Because there is no water heater in "Xintiandi", she has a big belly and is not good at bathing, so, hehehe, I am used to it.

Everything is normal, and my heart is as calm as water.

If I don't have a job and can't do heavy physical work, then I can only change from physical to mental.

Well, sign up for a training class to learn Taobao art.

I didn't have money to pay for tuition, so I borrowed 2,000 yuan from my three sisters, planning to finish my studies early and find a job, and then pay her back. However, I'm still learning......

The body is not healthy, and the second sister who is in the health care industry helped me buy health care products for conditioning, and the effect is still there, but I am not careful enough to recuperate...... I'm still so headstrong......

Auntie tried her best to help me find a home remedy for nephritis, and the effect was also there, but I didn't care enough to recuperate...... I still don't know how to understand my family's painstaking efforts......

The ups and downs of the state of mind, while conditioning the body, while learning......

At that time, I always believed that maybe it wouldn't be long before I would get better, and my luck and health would improve. However, what followed was more badness and anxiety......

I can't devote myself to studying, I can't fully control my health, I can't predict my luck accurately, and my life is full of anxiety and helplessness.

I couldn't find my confidence, and I didn't even know what my spiritual pillar was. Without a spiritual backbone, I don't have the courage to face life. Once upon a time, I thought that writing was my spiritual pillar because it gave me confidence.

However, when almost no one reads what I wrote, I realized how naïve I was......

I was not convinced, so I sent a total of 200 yuan red envelopes on the novel website at that time, as a way to attract readers' attention to what I wrote.

In the beginning, it is true that the collection soon exceeded 1,000.

But, that's the bubble.

When the bubble disappears, the vision is shattered. The number of collections is also declining at a rapid rate every day, and I also understand that what I write is not attractive at all, and I am too stupid......

Fortunately, I was comforted by the fact that a few readers still thought I was writing well, but my story was written for myself, and it was posted on the wrong website......

I'm very happy, although only a few people think my writing is good-looking, but it is already a relief for me. I am grateful for their comments that gave me a warm strength at the time.

So, I still updated it intermittently and wrote it down.

As long as I haven't given up completely, I can still regain the same enthusiasm and joy I had when I first wrote the first draft of "The Girls I Like".

Actually, today I wanted to end my 2018 experience, but it seems that I can't......

There is not enough time, and my heart does not allow it.

Perhaps, what should be written, still needs to be written slowly......

Hopefully, 2019 will be good!