It was a small window that I opened to my life, and I looked at Li Jinnian in that small window, and I successfully seized the gap in his heart and became his woman. Since then, I have been able to go to work and get rid of that difficult life little by little.

However, even after I went to work, I still lived in great pain every day. Taking care of both work and life, I can't afford to go back to the wind and snow anymore. Under the pretext of being ill, Ruan Dazhi has been at home since I went to work, and my meager salary supports all the expenses of the family and Yan Yan's tuition fees.

As for my parents who are far away in S Province, I have no time to take care of them, so I can only calculate and calculate at the end of the year, buy some discounted New Year's goods in the supermarket and send them home. Even so, my parents were still grateful on the phone for such a small gift from me.

Every year on the thirtieth day of the Chinese New Year's Eve, I shed tears until dawn. Homesickness, my deep guilt for my parents, my despair of reality, my hatred for my incompetence, my inability to create a good future for Yan Yan, my inability to get rid of this abrasive life, the heavy family life shackled my hands and feet like shackles, so that I could never travel lightly.

In my first year of work, the director said: Shu Hua, your ability is good, but you can't always ask for leave, which will only be counterproductive to promotion.

In my second year of work, the director said: Shu Hua, don't think that your things have been rewarded by the headquarters, and I will let you be passive and slack off. Look at how many times you've taken leave this month?

I can't help it. Yan Yan did not absorb nutrients in time during pregnancy, resulting in being born weak and sickly, and every time she had a cold and fever, she had to toss for more than ten days, repeatedly, and it was difficult to heal. Ruan Dazhi plays mahjong and drinks every day, and he is in a state of semi-neglect for Yan Yan and me, not to mention his parents, who have never turned a blind eye. I had no choice but to take a leave of absence.

In my third year of work, thanks to Li Jinnian's blessing, I finally heard the news of my promotion. This is the opportunity I bought with pregnancy, but fate took away the child in such a cruel way, my youth, my dreams, my ambitions were all in vain, and I can never go back to the home I relied on to survive, and even the daughter who depends on me may not be able to protect me well.

Thinking of this, tears can't help but flow. Those heavy memories of the past came like a flood, instantly drowning all my thoughts, and also made me simply muster up the courage to recall enough at once......

I remember the first time I went home with Yan Yan in my arms after giving birth, and the whole village lined up to welcome me; I remember my father excitedly holding Yan Yan's hand and saying to Yan Yan in his hometown dialect with a trembling voice: "Yan Yan, you must be as productive as your mother in the future"; I remember crying bitterly when my mother and I talked all night long......

The sourness I have experienced over the years is probably only something my mother can perceive. When I came back with Yan Yan in my arms, she chased 2 kilometers of the road, shook out 600 yuan and a silver bracelet from the red paper bag, and said to me with tears: "This is the private money that my mother has saved over the years, you can use it." This bracelet was left by my grandmother to my mother, and my mother is now passing it on to you. Mom knows that you are working hard outside, and if you are wronged, your mother can't help you anything, and she can't afford to buy you a rich dowry, so Mom only has these things for you. Treasure, you must be strong. Kid, be sure to be well. ”

I remember that day I hugged Yan Yan with tears in my eyes, and knelt in front of my mother with a "poof", how could I bear to take away the six hundred yuan she had saved for more than ten years, and how could I bear to accept this heavy gift......

My mother finally stuck with me, and when I didn't accept it, she got angry, and she said, "If you don't accept it, you will never go home again, and you will never recognize me as a mother again." ”

How could I bear to tell my dearest mother that not long after I took the bracelet home, Ruan Dazhi turned over his clothes and sold it for 500 yuan, and together with the 600 yuan, I lost a lot of money playing mahjong on the same night......

These are the painful memories of the past thirty years, and my whole heart is beating with trembling after all this. I suddenly realized the meaning of Mr. Lu Xun's "mourning his misfortune and being angry with him", I suddenly understood what the personality of "buns" was, I suddenly realized that my life has been so passive, and I suddenly found that the so-called "poor people must have something to hate" is reasonable......