Perhaps, this is destined to be an incommunicado feeling

The sky is getting darker. Pen | fun | pavilion www. ｂｉｑｕｇｅ。 ｉｎｆｏ

It has also become more silent.

I don't know how to express my feelings, in words, who to talk to, or... And what language should we use to describe it? No, just as the action of force is relative, action cannot be generated.

Perhaps, it would be more realistic to cry heartily, at least to let the tears flow.

Someone has said that tears are not a bad thing.

But now isn't the time to cry, at least... In front of him, I will still maintain that gentleness and calmness, maybe mixed with a little fragility, but it seems that I have not found those parts, so I became a little unwilling when I saw his gentle side unreservedly displayed in front of me.

Perhaps, I can get it by stepping forward and fully showing that vulnerability and desire, that... Gentleness and peace of mind that don't belong to me.

But what about after that? Can it be one step closer, one step closer between them, even more than everybody else to get all of him?

Human greed cannot be separated, so in this respect, I behave like the greed that human beings should have. Obviously, I got the joy of reunion and the sense of redemption that I had lost and regained when I met again, and I thought it would be enough to just stay on the sidelines, even if it was just to watch him every day.

This kind of thinking does seem a little too naïve now.

I want and get more than that... It was only now that I accepted this reality as if I had woken up.

Why?

When I saw him working hard and fighting for her other than her, giving unreservedly for her, without even the slightest sign of hesitation, my heart was always full of injustice and confusion that I could not get an answer.

Perhaps, it is simply because of the reason that the things that have already been promised must be done.

So why?

A vague commission that could be shirked without any burden, but is it worth paying for it?

That's what I couldn't understand and explain to myself - and was.... No, it's gentler than it once was.

What is the purpose of giving without reason and reservation?

Maybe the question itself is wrong, since it's all unreasonable, what's the reason... I can't help but laugh at my own childish way of thinking at some point. However, after the ridicule and play, more questions were derived from it, questions that had no answers.

Perhaps these questions will not be solved even if they are handed over to the existence of people who are praised as sages.

I don't think there is anyone else who can give the right answer, and I don't believe the answer anyone else gives me.

Jealousy and greed are now constantly corroding my soul, and I feel that the faith I keep is slowly being eaten away, and maybe it will not be long before I will be completely occupied by sin, but maybe it will be liberating for me.

Because in the time since the reunion, I have slowly come to accept another distorted reality - I will not accept anyone but him.

However, in the end, there can only be one person who can really stay by his side, and there will be some distance in other positions, more or less there will be some distance, and I can't bear the distance that has been deliberately left.

I couldn't reach anything in front of me, and when I walked a meter forward and tried to close the distance, it became even farther away, and I couldn't bear it anymore. The burning heart kept trying to rush out of my chest to find a place where it really belonged, but I was trapped in place again and again, unable to be liberated or received any response. That's probably the case.

The truth cannot be changed, I know that very well, better than anyone, and I have known this truth since the moment I lost him. So, I had to look for other options

-- The fait accompli cannot be changed, and the only thing that can be done is to recreate another fact.

There is another fact beyond the truth, there is no lie and no deception, there is no false thing and no disguise, there is another fact that really exists between us.

I knew it was the product of my greed and jealousy, but I couldn't say no.

Because I also knew very well that I could not resist the temptation of this smell of Eden. Even if it's wrong, I'll gladly accept it. Even if it may cause irreparable consequences, as long as I can get what I want, I can accept it without hesitation.

Moreover, success is certain, because I can't figure out why I will fail, and if all the conditions are met, I will succeed.

So, why: Will he still be standing behind him instead of beside him?

I couldn't help but ask myself in my heart.

I think it's probably because the belief that is still in the depths of your soul - my sister will always protect you.

Guarding, it is not necessary to stay by his side, silently watching behind him, when he encounters difficulties, when he needs help, when he is in danger, stand up, when everything returns to calm, and slowly retreats to his own position, probably this is the existence.

That's why I'm hesitating and struggling.

Every time I bear all the pain and pain I have caused, the greed and jealousy will increase little by little, and I think that it will not be long before the pain and pain will all disappear.

Staying by your side may be a better way to fulfill your commitments than staying behind you.

By that time... I will be one of those people who are promised, who is tender, who is watched, who is special.

--------------------------

As night fell, the biting chill from the cold doorknob brought me back to reality, and when I looked back, I was greeted by his and hers' slightly concerned eyes, still standing and waiting.

[Tomorrow... Are you available?]

Even if he knew that he shouldn't have asked, he asked in this slightly dyed jealousy.

[.... I'm going to stay in the apartment all day.]

[That's impossible, Hachiman-kun, last time my mother asked to buy a decent set of clothes, did you forget?]

[Ah, no... Didn't forget.. It's better to say that you can't forget it... It doesn't have to be tomorrow..]

Looking at the conversation that was so warm that people couldn't join in this moment, I could only hide my face with a faint smile and say a word in the pause

[That... See you tomorrow. ]

After that, after getting two folded responses, I walked into my own space.

The night was late and quiet.

Silently, in the darkness, two lines with a moist warmth crossed my cheeks, but with a full smile on my face.

Do you feel the pain? maybe.

But no one can see it, and who will pay attention to what can't be seen?

So, I'm going to gladly accept all of it, and all of it.

Because, I'm the night moon!