When Zhou Wenhan saw me, a glimmer of light flashed in his eyes.

"Sunshine, don't put too much pressure on yourself, you've done a good job. "Before the treatment began, he comforted me.

I nodded: "Dr. Zhou, I want to remember the most important part today, please help me." ”

"Rushing to achieve results will hurt you, do your best, do it in moderation, understand?" he said calmly.

I know that every expression and movement he has now is giving me positive psychological cues.

As my attending doctor, he needs to guide me, soothe me, and give me positive energy.

I entered the space of memories again, and the little girl was waiting for me.

"Sister, we meet again. "She actually took the initiative to speak to me this time.

I was a little at a loss, she smiled and took my hand and said, "Sister, let's play hide and seek." ”

I followed her into a path without light.

……

When Zhou Wenhan's voice came, I deliberately pretended not to hear it.

The nightmares of the past few days seemed to strengthen my mind, and even though I felt my body tremble like chaff, I forced myself not to stop remembering.

Finally, the darkest hour passed, and dawn fell.

When I opened my eyes, I saw Zhou Wenhan's nervous expression, and he was obviously blaming me for acting recklessly.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Zhou. ”

"You're messing around! If there's danger, you're going to die! You know what?!You're almost suffocating just now!" Because of his anger, his tone of voice did not return to his usual calmness.

"See for yourself!" Zhou Wenhan handed the pad to me, and above it was the surveillance screen in the room during the treatment.

I was lying down, my hands covering my mouth and nose vigorously, my brows furrowed, my expression was full of pain, and if I looked closely, there were beads of sweat the size of beans rolling down my forehead between my eyebrows and temples.

Yes, this time, I was completely reminded of what had happened after that and finally figured out where my claustrophobia came from.

When I was trapped in the elevator, the images that emerged from my panic and fear overlapped with my memories.

That little girl with two ponytails was me, and the demon in front of her was my stepfather.

I always thought that I had been living with my mother for half a year after I was taken away by my mother when I was six years old, but I don't remember how the concept of half a year came about.

Now I know that I had only been with them for seven days before I was in the hospital.

Since the first time I saw my mom being bullied by that man, the way he looked at me again was different.

After that, my mother took me with me every day and never left me.

I didn't know that danger was approaching, I just cared about my mother's injury and whether she could get better soon.

But what worries her most has happened.

That day, the man was not at home, and my mother said that she was going to buy groceries, but I thought it was too hot outside, so I had to stay at home and watch cartoons.

She hesitated for a moment, probably thinking that the man would not return soon, so she agreed to me.

I was watching intently when there was a knock on the door.

At that time, I didn't even look at it and shouted, "Mom, you're back!"

But when I realized something was wrong, the man was standing in the doorway smiling at me.

I got up and ran to the bedroom.

He caught up, and before I could lock the door, he pushed it open.

I hugged the rag doll tightly and cowered in the corner of the bed, forgetting to cry for a while.

The man closed the curtains and approached me with a sinister smile, and although I didn't know what he was going to do, fear made me tremble.

"Yangyang, don't be afraid, call Dad. Daddy loves you very much. As he spoke, he reached out and touched my face.

I didn't know where I got the courage at the time, but despite my fear, I glared at him and said, "You're a bad person! You're not my father! You're a bad person who bullied my mother!"

"Then I'll bully you like my mother, are you afraid?" he approached me, and I had no way back.

"You're a bad person!" I shouted, and I didn't know how to save myself.

However, at this moment, I heard the sound of the security door and my mother's shout: "Yangyang, open the door for my mother!"

I thought I was going to be saved, and just as I was about to shout "Mommy save me", I was covered by the man's big hand over my mouth and nose, and I could only let out a muffled snort.

He picked me up and stuffed me into the closet, and got in himself.

Then he closed the cabinet door, and I couldn't see anything, but I could feel his breath and my body.

"Don't you like to stay in the cupboard and eavesdrop?" his voice was the devil from hell.

I'd rather not remember what happened next, never in the rest of my life.

I knew something bad had happened because the teacher said that children should not be touched by others where they were covered by clothes.

After he swaggered out, my mother finally came in and found me.

From that day on, I was like a fool, I couldn't cry or laugh, and I had big empty eyes.

I only do three things a day, wash my hands, take a shower, and brush my teeth.

When my grandfather saw me in the hospital, he slapped my mother hard and told her to leave me and never come back.

That's my vanished memory.

It's so unbearable.

Before I woke up, I saw the faint morning light peeping through the window, and the little girl who greeted me was sitting on the floor of the white ward, with her arms folded on her knees, grinning at me.

But her eyes did not have any sparkle or light, and the smile looked eerie.

"Why should I be left to suffer in endless darkness while you can grow up carefree? I hate this world, I hate the people who brought me into this world, I must kill them!"

I didn't dare to face her questioning, so I forced myself to wake up.

I will never forget that picture for a long time, it was obviously the warm glow of the morning sun sprinkled on the girl, but it was cold, and I didn't feel any hope.

In Zhou Wenhan's office, I slowly recounted the events of the dream, and he listened carefully and recorded his illness.

"Sunshine, you're brave. But it's really dangerous just now, if I forcibly interrupt your dreams, it's very likely that you won't be able to get out of it, and you will have memory confusion, but you almost killed yourself, you know? If you are disobedient like this, I refuse to continue your treatment. Zhou Wenhan said objectively.

"Dr. Chow, I know I'm okay because I'm a life-loving person. I said.

He looked me in the eye: "Your 'self' is not strong, on the contrary, she is weak and full of hatred. Now it is the ego and the superego that support you to be strong. The ego represents reason and resourcefulness, acting according to the principles of reality. The superego, on the other hand, represents the conscience, social norms, and ego ideals, and is the senior leader of the personality, acting according to the principle of the supreme good, which directs the ego and limits the id.

Before, because of amnesia, your true self was hidden, and now, you need to negotiate with the little girl in your memory to eliminate her hatred, so that the three of you can coexist peacefully. Otherwise, if the ego is not controlled, the consequences will be unpredictable.

Sun, don't overestimate your own strength, psychology calls the ego a demon, it is always unconscious. ”

For this aspect, Zhou Wenhan is an authority, I was a little stunned when I heard it, but I can understand the general meaning.

"So, the ego is driven by desire, and if it can't control it, it will be difficult? because of its unconscious, when it does something bad, it is the ego and the superego that have to bear the consequences?" I asked.

In fact, everyone will encounter contradictory moments, but the traumatized people may be more intense, and the expression of their own self will be stronger. By the way, do you still have any impressions about your biological father?" Zhou Wenhan said.

I shook my head: "I have very little memory of before I was six years old, and most of it was from my grandfather. I don't remember seeing him, but then I listened to the gossip of the neighborhood, and it seemed that he left home when I was very young. When I was six years old, probably because of the separation or something, my mom got divorced, but he didn't show up. ”

Then I asked, "Dr. Zhou, do I still need to look for memories from before I was six years old?"

Zhou Wenhan always looked into my eyes, probably because of his profession: "Forgetting doesn't mean it hasn't happened." However, most people do not retain much memory from childhood, and if it is not necessary for treatment, we do not recommend retrieval, just maintain the level of ordinary people. ”

"What about me?" I listened carefully to his advice.

"What you have to do now is to reconcile with the little girl in your memory through psychotherapy and make her a part of who you are now, instead of hating you or even wanting to replace you. And the cause of your claustrophobia is already clear, if you want to find other memories, you should wait until this stage of the disease is healed. Zhou Wenhan said.

I agreed, and I asked him if the treatment was already available.

He said that he would help me guide a benign psychological defense mechanism, instead of negative measures such as avoidance or forgetting, and that he would use psychotherapy combined with medication to prescribe me some antidepressant medication.

"Bright Sun, based on your experience, maybe there will be some symptoms during the treatment, this is normal, you don't need to be overly nervous and worried, if you are not sure, feel free to communicate with me. He said to me as he was leaving.

"For example?" I asked.

"The re-enactment of the nightmare may be lessened, but other reactions of the brain are not ruled out, such as encountering the ego in the dream. Emotionally, you need to pay attention to the generation of numbness, which is the so-called abstinence or alienation from the opposite sex, especially intimacy. ”

"Thank you. "My understanding of psychology has gone up a lot.

"Blazing Sun, I still recommend that you spend more time with your friends and always stay relaxed and happy. "Zhou Wenhan happened to be on the way with me, I was his last confidant today, he drove me downstairs to the company, and told me when he parted.

"Okay, I will. I smiled and waved goodbye to him, he smiled and nodded, and the car drove away.

I raised my eyes to look at the sky, but I saw the haze in the sky, and I was afraid that I would never see the bright stars under the vines when I was a child.

I couldn't afford to climb the stairs at the thought of going to the top floor, so I clenched my fists and went to the elevator.

Just as Ouyang walked into the hall, I hurriedly beckoned to him.

He came over and asked me with a smile if I was coming back to work overtime.

I said otherwise?

After entering the elevator, I cautiously held on to one handrail, nervously breaking out in a cold sweat.

Ouyang turned his head to talk to me, and he saw that I was uncomfortable: "What's the matter, the sun? If you don't feel well, go back and rest, and the work can be handed over to me." ”

"It's okay, that's it...... You get the idea haha. "I lied again.

"Oh, oh, then, drink more hot water. Ouyang seemed a little embarrassed.

"Ouyang, what time will you end tonight?" I hurriedly changed the subject.

He raised his hand to look at his watch and said, "It's almost over, the big war is coming, everyone have a good rest tonight." ”

"Okay. "I didn't say I was just getting started.

I buried my head in the information given by Chu Qingchuan, and watched the people in the secretary team leave one by one, and finally Ouyang said to me: "Jiaoyang, do you need help?"

"No, it's almost there. "I struggled on.

"Well, then I'll stay with you for a while. He said.

"No need Ouyang, it's not normal to work overtime, you go home quickly, it's still very busy tomorrow." "I'm embarrassed to shirk it.

"Ouyang, you go first. Chu Qingchuan's voice suddenly came, and when I turned my head, I saw him walking in.

Ouyang answered and said goodbye to me.

"Are you done?" At this point, there were only two of us left in the room.

"Nope. "I kept my head down and continued to work.

"Then don't do it. He said.

"Thank you, Mr. Chu, bye-bye. I snapped my computer shut, grabbed my bag and left.

I've read all the information he gave me, and I don't think it has anything to do with the topic of tomorrow's forum. It's just that I can still learn something from it, so I should work overtime to further my studies.

"I'll send you. "He actually stretched out his arm to stop me.

I stood in front of him, looking up at him, my eyes met, but I was gone.

"No, you don't. I was about to walk when he stepped forward and took me into his arms.

I haven't had physical contact with the opposite sex in these days, and what I didn't expect was that my reaction was so strong.

I just felt special, special, especially disgusting, unbearable memories emerged, and the charming clips with Chu Qingchuan before actually came out.

The two different senses of shame and guilt were intertwined, and I couldn't make any sound, it was like entering a nightmare.

The little girl appeared, and she smiled wickedly at me: "What's the matter? Aren't you happy with him? You think you can do whatever you want when you grow up, do you? Do such disgusting things? Isn't he great? Why don't you continue with him?"

I can't say how I feel, it's like being pulled by two extremes, one left and one right, and I will only stop if it tears me apart.

"Jiaoyang, what's wrong with you?!" Chu Qingchuan noticed my abnormality, let go of me and called my name eagerly, but I could only hear the voice, but my brain was powerless to think.

I closed my eyes, gritted my teeth, and clenched my arms, trying to huddle my whole body together and crouch on the ground.

It was painful, and although there was no sharp tearing and crying, the silent despair, like Dalí's "The Scream", distorted the soul.

It was like I was in hell, on the edge of morality.

Chu Qingchuan's fingers trembled lightly in front of me, and when I watched him touch my cheek, his pupils dilated sharply, and I couldn't suppress my fear.

He saw it, and his fingers gradually clenched and rested on his half-crouched knee.

"Sunshine, look at me, Sunshine, don't be afraid, you're safe now, no one will hurt you, be quiet, you're safe......"

Chu Qingchuan stretched out his palms, telling me that he wouldn't touch me again. His reassuring words were somewhat similar to Zhou Wenhan's, and his tone was calm and full of power, I couldn't tell who he was at this time, but the voice gave me a sense of security, because it was familiar, because it had brought me warmth.

I can only pay attention to the part, the brain can't think, and when I see his eyes, it's just eyes, I can't think of this person.

The light reflected in those inky eyes, like the tranquil and distant sea under the moon, made my heart gradually settle down.

I regained my senses, annoyed, and lowered my eyelids.

"Sun, how can this be? You ......" I heard his worried tone.

"Nothing. "The thought of his ugly and embarrassed appearance just now being in full view of him made me want to disappear in place immediately.

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