Ding Qi didn't interject for a long time, just listened quietly, and after Guan Xiaoyin finished speaking, he asked softly: "No matter how scumbag these people are, can you think about it carefully, and think that these men represented by this Xiaosha, what are they that attract you?"

Guan Xiaoyin lowered her head and thought for a while: "The image is good, and they are all very good at talking, they are really intimate when they are intimate, although they have all kinds of shortcomings, but they can't be changed, it's just that they ...... later."

Ding Qi interrupted her at the right time and said: "Don't say it later, this attraction will always exist, otherwise it won't be divided and combined, you can think about what he attracts you." ”

Many people have a saying that "beautiful women love scumbags". Many people have had such a sentence: "Very good girl, how can you let such a man give disaster?" This also derives another saying - flowers are inserted in cow dung. But the people who say this often don't see another point, that is, what are those girls attracted to?

Those women are actually not scumbags, but prodigal sons. That kind of prodigal son has enough experience in love, they know how to please others, how to praise and affirm each other, how to show the attraction of the opposite sex. The more emotionally experienced people are, the better they are at it, and they know how to arouse the affection and curiosity of others.

In this regard, many otaku who are honest and nervous when they see girls talking, I am afraid they can't compare.

Guan Xiaoyin's mentality is very contradictory, she claims to be completely disappointed, but she comes to the psychiatrist for help, which also proves that she still can't stop. It doesn't matter if a woman meets this kind of man or even is attracted to him, the key question is - you have to know what you really want?

Ding Qi thought for a while, and then changed the topic and said, "Ms. Guan, listening to your tone, you should be very successful in your career." Looking at the occupation on your registration information as a private business owner, can you tell us a little bit about your career?"

Guan Xiaoyin, who was still crying sadly just now, immediately got better when she heard this topic, and even became a little excited, and began to talk about her entrepreneurial history, and her language and ideas were very coherent, so that Ding Qi couldn't even interject into it.

At the age of twenty-five, she took over her father's business, and at that time, his father was old and sick, and he no longer had the energy to support him. It was originally just a small company with a small scale and barely maintained, but in her hands, it is developing better and better. Five years ago, when she was twenty-eight years old, her father died, and the company was reborn.

Today, Guan Xiaoyin has a net worth of tens of millions, three houses and two storefronts in Jinghu City, and a house in Shanghai, and runs a business with stable income and profits. These are the results of her own hard work, which she is proud of and the envy of many of her peers......

After she finished speaking, it seemed that her mood had completely calmed down, and Ding Qi asked again: "Your career is very successful, so when you are dating a man, do you have a defensive mentality, afraid that the other party just likes your money and just wants to make money?"

Guan Xiaoyin: "To be honest, I am a little worried. But I'm not a small person, as long as it's all about me, I don't mind helping him......" She didn't even realize the ambivalence when she told it, on the one hand, she was proud of the success of her career, and thought that it was also a proof of ability and charm, not more despised than others, and on the other hand, she didn't want others to value it.

Ding Qi took out a piece of paper and a soft pen and handed it over, and said with a smile: "Let's do a small homework first, I will list four questions on it, you try to answer them." It's okay if you don't know the answer, you can think about it slowly. ”

In the psychological counseling room, there is usually no superfluous things to distract the person seeking help, and dangerous items such as pens that may become tools of harm are usually not taken out, so Ding Qi prepared a tube of soft pens without a pointed tip, and he wrote four questions on the paper -

1. Do those men, or just him, need me to save them?

2. What is my purpose in saving him?

3. Why don't you associate with men who don't need to be saved?

4. Who are the people who need to be saved?

Guan Xiaoyin looked at it for a long time, but she didn't take a pen to write the answer, raised her head and said, "Doctor Ding, can I take these questions back and think about them again?"

Ding Qi didn't expect her to answer clearly immediately, if she answered too quickly, it might not be accurate, and nodded: "Of course it's no problem, you can think about it after you go back." I am a psychiatrist, and what I am here to solve is your own psychological problem, and through your description, my deepest feeling is a desire to be saved and saved......"

Many people have a subconscious urge to prove that they are better than others. There are many women who will be attracted to men who look attractive, and at the same time, they can see the shortcomings of this kind of man, and they have a mentality of wanting to save him, which is also a psychology that attempts to prove themselves.

If she succeeds, she will prove that she is better and more attractive than everyone else. So what attracts them is not only the charm of the opposite sex, but also the temptation to "transform" a "bad boy". The more you invest in this relationship, the greater the sense of expectation – maybe a little further and he will be changed by me?

In this relationship, sometimes the body becomes a kind of "charity", and of course money. This mentality is not limited to women, but also to men. According to Ding Qi's summary of his work, the number of men who say that "women are not good things" has gradually surpassed the number of women who say "men are not good things", which may be a characteristic of contemporary society.

For men, this is a kind of Cinderella complex, there is a Cinderella in distress who needs him to save, and to put it too far, it can be described as a "dust girl complex", and it is okay to say that it is a "female spy complex". For women, this is a kind of frog prince complex, there is a prince who unfortunately becomes a frog and needs her to save, to put it too far, it can be described as the "big demon king complex".

This mentality, which every normal person has to a greater or lesser extent, is not a psychological problem, but in many cases it is a kind quality. But if you form a fixed, always heart-driven pattern of behavior that is applied to emotional relationships, and you haven't recognized it yet, then there's something wrong.

Liu Guonan, who once came to Ding Qi for help, also said that "men are not good things", but Liu Guonan's problem is completely different from Guan Xiaoyin. Liu Guonan is afraid of being hurt, so he refuses to socialize, and attributes his behavior externally, so the explanation given is that men are not good things. She wanted to put away her charm.

Guan Xiaoyin is saying on the surface, why do I always meet such scumbags? In fact, she is attributing her own experience internally, she already knows the shortcomings of these men, and the question in her heart is - why don't they change their ways for me? Am I such a good and kind person not good enough? She wants to prove her charm.

This is also a subconscious lack of self-confidence, they need to be affirmed in some way, and they also want to be affirmed, and saving is also a kind of self-salvation, so Ding Qi just wrote those four questions.

The first question is, does he need to be saved? It may be needed, but what is more needed is to be punished than rewarded. In the eyes of onlookers, saving in the form of rewards is already a kind of indulgence and compromise, and it is also the reason why such people can repeatedly succeed in the flowers. So the most important thing is to realize that he is that kind of person.

The second question is, what is the purpose of saving him? To benefit society, maintain world peace, and save more women from the same fate? No, no, no, no, in fact, this is not the case, but to satisfy the psychology of salvation and self-salvation, and to realize the proof of self-worth. But from the psychiatrist to tell the help-seeker that proving self-worth does not have to be in this way.

The simplest reason is that they can't attract her, and they can't satisfy their deep desire to save, control, and security. Subconsciously lack self-confidence, believing that you are not being respected and affirmed normally.

The fourth question, as long as you answer the first three questions carefully, there is actually an answer.

Some people may say that if the salvation is successful, for example, Xiaosha changes his evil and returns to the right according to Guan Xiaoyin's hope, then the relationship between the two will be perfect?

The first is that the relationship that develops in this situation is not stable, the position between the two is unbalanced, and the savior has a moral advantage over the saved.

If there are any other contradictions, even if they are very normal, the rescuer will often say: "You have had so many shortcomings, and I have forgiven you and helped you correct them, so why can't you treat me and listen to me well? Facts have proved that you should listen to me completely! I am so good and kind, and I saved you." ”

If there are more such cases, over time, greater contradictions will accumulate, and then enter the next cycle - you say that you have changed, but you are actually deceiving me, but in fact, you have not changed for the better. I think that's how you lied to me at the beginning, such as a certain year and a certain month...... Entered the mode of turning over old accounts.

It's not that the rescuer doesn't mind the shortcomings of the rescued, but in fact, he minds, because without these, he can't prove his self-worth.

Second, the desire to save is often accompanied by the desire to control. The rescuer regards the other party's change as a proof of his own value, and it is difficult to accept the other party to get out of his control, and the other party's violation of his will is often regarded as betrayal, which is also the source of many conflicts.

This desire for control stems from the need for security, otherwise the rescuer will feel uneasy and return to a subconscious state of lack of self-confidence. In a sense, the success of salvation is the end of tolerance.

So in this case, the rescued are often confused, I have said goodbye to the past and chosen a new life according to your requirements, why has your attitude become so critical, and even no longer as tolerant as before?

With both of these conditions, it is often difficult to judge whether the rescued person has made a satisfactory change, let alone if there is no change at all. How to solve this problem psychologically, we must be aware of our own mentality from the beginning and understand who the other party is.

Today's helper is not Xiaosha, but Guan Xiaoyin, so Ding Qi can only analyze Guan Xiaoyin's possible psychological problems, and he finally said: "This ambivalence of saving and self-saving may be related to growing up, either the parents are very strict, or the parents don't care." ”

Guan Xiaoyin was stunned for a long time, and she didn't know how much she listened, before she nodded and said, "What Teacher Ding said is so right, my father is very strict with me, and my mother doesn't care about me at all, it seems that I am in both situations." ”

Ding Qi took back the paper and pen, turned the paper to the back, and said as he wrote: "Since you have realized the problem, you have to find a way to solve it." The first thing to do is to recognize your own mindset and make a change. It is not a mistake to help and bring a person to change, and it is a commendable quality, but it is not appropriate to confuse it with the emotional needs of men and women.

It is not necessary to put yourself in the position of savior and controller. You are not an incarnation of Guanyin Bodhisattva, just an ordinary person, an equivalent person in an emotional relationship. If this reciprocity is broken, it will be distressed. Let's set a few small goals first, you go to achieve them one by one, and which step you can achieve depends on your own efforts. ”

Ding Qi wrote several other questions on the back of the paper -

1. What kind of person is he and is his fault for his shortcomings?

2. What attracted me to such a person, and what did I get out of it?

3. Am I satisfied with this, and to what extent can I accept it?

Fourth, don't force the other party to change for me, how to choose?

Ding Qi's suggestion is already obvious, if Guan Xiaoyin is attracted to Xiaosha, and thinks that the other party is handsome, strong and pleasing to people, or has good kung fu in bed, and can meet his needs in some aspects, he can continue to associate with him, but he has to figure out what kind of person he is, what he wants to get, and what he can get, and finally make a sober choice.

Psychiatrists abide by the principle of value neutrality, and Ding Qi will not criticize her for being unhealthy in her thinking, and the so-called mental health and mental health are often two different things. But Guan Xiaoyin has to adjust her mentality in order to finally get free.

As for how the relationship between Xiaosha and Guan Xiaoyin will develop, this is not something that can be solved by a psychological meeting, and it is something that Ding Qi cannot decide, but the first thing that needs to be changed is Guan Xiaoyin herself. The meeting lasted for two hours, and finally Guan Xiaoyin left with the piece of paper.

Later, Guan Xiaoyin came to Ding Qi twice, and each time she made an appointment for a meeting, it lasted two hours. She and Xiaosha don't seem to have completely broken off their relationship, these two times she is mainly to confide, so Ding Qi will listen to her. Ding Qi felt a little speechless, was he being treated as a girlfriend?

And Guan Xiaoyinken spends 1,005 an hour to chat with "girlfriends", which is also generous enough.

The last time Guan Xiaoyin mentioned Xiaosha's recent situation, she thought that Xiaosha had changed. Xiaosha no longer works in the original company, and set up a company to start his own business, and he didn't need Xiaoyin's funding, but some problems are still there, and he often doesn't know where to go and what he does, and he can't be contacted for several days.

Of course, Ding Qi knew what was going on, because Fan Yang was missing, Xiao Sha came out to work alone, and he was indeed quite capable. He could see that Guan Xiaoyin was a little addicted to Xiaosha, and I was afraid it would be difficult to quit this addiction. Sometimes even if you know that you have something wrong, it is difficult to change, or what you need to change is not the relationship, but the mentality.

Today, with the latest discovery in Huangtian Village, Ding Qi realized that Sha Langzheng was doing things for Zhang Wangxiong again. He briefly introduced this past, and finally said: "I don't mean to reveal the privacy of the person who asks for help, but if it involves a social harm incident, you can cite the principle of confidentiality exception, and you need to know more about the situation of Sha Langzheng." ”

Xian Hao pouted and said, "Some men are really scary! I don't know what I'm thinking about all day long? Ding Qi, don't have that kind of expression, I don't necessarily mean you." ”

Ding Qi and Zhu Shanxian both shut up and stopped talking. Xian Hao looked at Ding Qi again and said, "You know that Sha Langzheng is not a good thing, why don't you just suggest that she resolutely break up?"

Ding Qi smiled bitterly: "Every character has its own behavioral boundaries, and I can't do that in the psychological clinic." Listen to me and you'll understand. I have a brother named Zhang, who started his career a year before me, and encountered a similar problem in his first month as a counselor.

Senior Brother Zhang directly suggested that the help-seeker break up with her boyfriend at that time, and told her to resolutely stop entangling with the other party. Guess what? The next day he was blocked by the girl's boyfriend and beaten all over the ground looking for teeth. It turned out that the girl broke up with the young man, saying that this was the opinion of the psychological counselor, and claimed that the psychological experts all thought that the young man was a scumbag. ”

Zhu Shanxian asked, "How did you deal with it later?"

Ding Qi: "The beater was detained by the police for fifteen days, and after he came out, the girl actually reconciled with him, although they broke up later, but they were indeed reconciled at that time." Senior Brother Zhang was disciplined, not only did he do a review, but he was also suspended from practicing law for half a year.

There is no way to do this, Senior Brother Zhang did violate the practice principles of psychological counselors, made counseling suggestions that did not meet professional requirements, and caused serious adverse consequences.

Psychologists are not controllers, they cannot control the behavior of the help-seekers, let alone make decisions on behalf of the help-seekers, they can only point out the psychological problems of the help-seekers and the ways to solve them, and let the help-seekers make their own decisions. The psychiatrist is not a martial arts master, let alone an immortal. ”

Zhu Shanxian sighed and said: "Immortals can't control and make decisions on behalf of others, and they are superior people who can point out problems." ”

Xian Hao interjected: "The key person is not the woman, but Sha Langzheng. What happened to that woman to Sha Langzheng, Ding University experts have already analyzed it clearly. But what is the matter with Sha Langzheng to her, and what do you two men and old rivers and lakes think?"