About half a year ago, Ding Qi received a help-seeker, named Guan Xiaoyin, female, 33 years old, a private business owner, who registered an appointment because of emotional entanglements, but did not have more information about himself.

For this kind of help-seeker, many psychologists, including Ding Qi, often feel a headache. Most of them have encountered problems such as broken love, quarrels, and family conflicts, and they come to complain and vent, usually just to vent a lot of negative emotions, tell who is how bad, and how much they have done for whom......

Unfortunately, the psychological clinic is not an emotional adjustment institution, nor can it help the help-seeker solve the real problems, but can only find and try to solve the psychological problems of the help-seeker himself. In this case, if the psychiatrist does not handle it well, it may cause the other party to feel disgusted or even have a strong stress reaction, and the doctor will also become the target of attack.

I'm obviously a killer, so how can you say that I have a problem? That's the first reaction of most people who ask for help. They spend money to find a post-psychiatrist counselor in order to reprimand the person in charge and obtain approval, so as to get self-affirmation. Psychiatrists cannot solve the problems of marriage and love, nor can they solve the problems of their partners, but can only point out their own psychological problems.

Some inexperienced counselors will accidentally complain when receiving such help-seekers, be beaten up and ask for a refund or something, because the client's mood is not very stable.

There are also counselors who are smart enough to see the psychology of the help-seeker and understand what they want when they come here, so they take a reassuring and apprehensive way to guide the other party to stabilize their emotions, and the focus is to make them realize that it is not their fault and affirm their excellence.

This is also effective, but it often has the other consequence, that is, it does not solve the real problem, but leads to the dependence and empathy of the help-seeker. When the help-seeker has a negative emotion that needs to be vented, he will think of coming to the psychiatrist, and even form an unconscious subconscious.

It's good to be treated as a confidant sister, if the psychiatrist is a man, he may often be invited by the help-seeker, such as having a cup of tea, a meal or something, and the other party will find various ways to get his contact information. Whether from the point of view of professional requirements or professional regulations, psychologists should refuse.

For most of these help-seekers, it is still very necessary to reassure them, and they also need to have a way to vent their emotions, and the role of the psychiatrist is to transfer and absorb these negative emotions, and it will be okay after it passes. But for some of the more special help-seekers, they always encounter similar problems repeatedly, so there is a problem that must be solved.

When Guan Xiaoyin walked in, Ding Qi felt a little familiar. There are many people in this world, you have an impression but can't remember who it is, for example, you have greeted each other on a certain occasion, and exchanged business cards with each other, and you can still recognize each other when you meet again after a long time, but you can't remember what the other person's name is or what they do. That's how Tintzi feels at the moment.

But he didn't show it, he still nodded and smiled very gently as usual, "Ms. Guan? Hello, please take a seat...... I'm Ding Qi, the counselor you made an appointment, can I help you?"

Guan Xiaoyin: "You are Dr. Ding Qi, you are more handsome than in the photo! I have seen your deeds on the Internet, and I think you are very great and not easy, so I came to you for help." ”

Ding Qi smiled and said: "It seems that Ms. Guan is very careful, what kind of help do you need from me?" I noticed that the problem you said in the appeal of the appointment registration is emotional entanglement. ”

Guan Xiaoyin sighed and said, "It's not because of my boyfriend, he is always so out of tune, so I want to ask the teacher to help me analyze and analyze, what is wrong with him...... I was so good to him and gave him so many opportunities, but why didn't he always cherish it?"

Ding Qi: "Can you describe how you met and fell in love?"

Guan Xiaoyin: "We met on the train, and I was deceived by him at that time......"

As soon as she said this, Ding Qi suddenly remembered why he thought this seeker was familiar. Four years ago, Ding Qi first met Fan Yang and his team on the train, when Xiaosha lied that he was a prisoner who had just been released from prison and gave an emotional speech in the carriage, which touched many people, and asked for a total of 3,000 yuan. Among them, the woman who gave the most money was the woman in front of her.

At that time, she was wearing heavy makeup, she looked very charming, her eyes were red, she took out a stack of banknotes and handed it to Xiaosha and said: "Men should work hard, it doesn't matter if the wife runs away with someone, as long as you work hard to live a good life, you can find a better one! ”

Xiaosha shook his head at the time and said, "I just came out of prison, and I haven't bought a mobile phone yet, so I don't know how to add > The woman said: "It's okay, I'll leave you a phone number first, and you can add my > through the number." She really left her phone number for Xiao Sha, and now Ding Qi knows that her name is Guan Xiaoyin, and Xiao Sha's name is Sha Langzheng. Sometimes I have to say that appearance is justice, Xiaosha is very handsome, strong and straight, the muscles of the whole body are well-defined, and the facial features are handsome and a little rough, which is indeed very attractive to women.

If Xiao Yuan or Xiao Zhu make a speech like that in the same way, they may ask for a lot of money, but the effect may not be as good as Xiao Sha, at least Guan Xiaoyin will not take the initiative to leave a contact number.

Soon after, Xiaosha took the initiative to add Guan Xiaoyin's WeChat, chatting with her when she couldn't sleep at night. Xiaosha said that he wanted to ask Guan Xiaoyin for help, Guan Xiaoyin asked him if he wanted to borrow money, Xiaosha said that he was not borrowing money, but wanted to find a cheaper house, preferably near the Jinghu District in the city center, not far from his place of work.

The two made an appointment to meet for a meal, and Xiaosha also deliberately returned the 600 yuan that Guan Xiaoyin gave him last time, saying that he had found a job and received a salary, and expressed his gratitude to her for her assistance.

Guan Xiaoyin pushed for a long time, but in the end she still took back the 600 yuan. Xiaosha wants to rent a house in Jinghu District, Guan Xiaoyin lives in Jinghu District and has several houses. She has two houses in a neighborhood, one for herself, and another in the same building that is still empty.

Guan Xiaoyin kindly suggested that Xiaosha live in her empty house for the time being, and no rent is charged. Xiaosha was embarrassed and insisted on paying the rent, the two argued for a long time, and finally Guan Xiaoyin still insisted on not collecting money. Xiaosha also said that he could only live temporarily, and he would move out when he found a more suitable house.

When the meal was settled, Xiaosha insisted on a treat in order to express his gratitude. In order to satisfy the man's self-esteem, Guan Xiaoyin finally let Xiaosha have a treat, and regretted that the food she ordered was a bit expensive.

Not long after, Xiaosha claimed that he had found a suitable house and would move out after signing the contract, and in order to express his gratitude, he wanted to invite Guan Xiaoyin to another meal. The two lived in the same building, Guan Xiaoyin said why go out to eat, she made it herself at home, and then she rarely cooked a meal at her own house.

During the meal, both of them drank a little wine to celebrate Xiaosha's successful move towards a new life, Guan Xiaoyin tried her best to persuade Xiaosha not to rent another house, it was good to continue to live like this, and she did not lack that little rent income...... Drinking and drinking, I don't know how, the two of them drank to the bed.

This seems to be this accident, but to be honest, in the eyes of psychologists like Ding Qi, the entry of modern single men and women into this situation is simply the inevitable result of evolution, and there are already expectations in the subconscious.

Later, the two of them lived together and developed a relationship similar to that of lovers. Why do you say "similar", because Guan Xiaoyin always feels very unsteady in her heart, and she can't tell whether she is the object of Xiaosha's formal relationship, or a friend who maintains a fixed relationship? She often asks herself a very classic question in her heart - does Xiaosha have true love for her?

The first time the two broke up, it stemmed from a quarrel, or just a one-sided quarrel, because Xiaosha did not yell or argue loudly, but only rejected Guan Xiaoyin's suggestion. Guan Xiaoyin suggested that Xiaosha stop working outside, that she could arrange a better job for him, or simply come to her company to help.

But Xiaosha didn't agree, Guan Xiaoyin ignored him angrily, and Xiaosha moved to the empty house downstairs. Soon after, Guan Xiaoyin felt unbearable again, so she took the initiative to forgive him, and the two got together again, or went to bed again.

In the past few years, the relationship between the two has been so divided and combined, back and forth, every time they "break up", Xiaosha will move back to live in the empty house downstairs, and soon Guan Xiaoyin decided to give him another chance.

The biggest contradiction between the two is that Guan Xiaoyin thinks that Xiaosha lacks long-term planning for life and has no sense of responsibility, especially for her. On the other hand, Guan Xiaoyin felt the most uneasy problem, that is, she often didn't know what Xiaosha was doing? Xiaosha worked in a marketing company, and she would go out for several days every once in a while, and she couldn't get in touch with her.

Guan Xiaoyin suspected that Xiaosha had other women outside, and according to her observation and analysis, she did find such signs, but she always couldn't grasp the conclusive evidence...... In fact, when it comes to speaking, onlookers listen to her description of Xiaosha in two words: scumbag.

Guan Xiaoyin finally said with tears: "I never thought that he would be such a person, he didn't tell me a lot of things, and he didn't have a sense of responsibility at all." Mr. Ding, you are a psychologist, can you help analyze what is wrong with him, and can this situation be saved?"

Ding Qi thought for a moment and asked rhetorically, "You just said that you got acquainted with him on the train, and your acquaintance was based on a lie, right?"

Guan Xiaoyin nodded and said: "Yes, I later learned that he was not a person released from prison at all, and he had never been in prison! But he explained to me that it was the employee training conducted by the company's leaders, and he performed the best, and he was promoted later, and I was equivalent to helping him at that time." ”

Dingzi: "How long did it take for him to confess to this after your first cohabitation?"

Guan Xiaoyin: "For more than half a year, after we broke up for the first time, I investigated his situation and found that he had not been in prison at all, and then I asked him what was going on, and he explained it to me.

I forgave him for this, and I didn't mind much, wouldn't it be better if he hadn't been in jail? But I don't think he can follow such an unreliable boss anymore, but he always doesn't listen to him when he talks about him. ”

Ding Qi: "I want to know a little more about your relationship, if it involves individuals, please rest assured, we will keep it confidential for the person seeking help." Although many women say that a man's commitment is not reliable, there is a difference between a promise and a non-commitment, and he maintains this intimate relationship with you, has he made any promises to the future of both of you?"

Guan Xiaoyin: "No, not a word, this is what disappointed me the most." ”

Tincey: "Do you expect anything from him, or what do you want him to do for you?"

Guan Xiaoyin: "I don't ask him to do anything for me, as long as he can treat me wholeheartedly and is willing to work hard to change for me." As long as he can do it, I'm willing to help him...... I said I was willing to set up a branch office for him to be a lawyer. ”

Ding Qi: "You have had many quarrels, how many times did he take the initiative to provoke them?"

Guan Xiaoyin: "That's not already, his attitude has always been very good, and he never took the initiative to quarrel with me." But no matter what I say, he still goes his own way, and he hasn't changed at all, and he's been getting worse lately than before, often mysteriously not knowing what he's doing outside, and always not being able to contact him for days. ”

Although Ding Qi had only seen Xiaosha on the train, he might know more about this person's situation than Guan Xiaoyin. Who is Xiao Sha? Fan Yang, a big charlatan, is the best of the gang!

Listening to Guan Xiaoyin's description of the relationship between the two, Ding Qi can already draw a conclusion that Xiaosha can be said to have synthesized many characteristics of the so-called prodigal son. The question that Ding Qi is concerned about now is whether Xiaosha is playing the so-called red line fishing on the rivers and lakes, and investigating Xiaoyin's situation in advance, and then he came to cheat money and sex, among which he mainly cheated money, but it is not very similar.

Thinking of this, Ding Qi asked again: "Your financial situation should be very good, and you are willing to spend money on him." Can you tell me how much money you've spent on him all these years?"

Guan Xiaoyin looked a little conflicted and said: "He is not greedy for my money, he returned the 600 yuan to me when we met for the first time, which made a good impression on me, I just took a fancy to him." In the past few years, he has never taken the initiative to ask me for money, and I have not taken the initiative to ask for anything I have bought for him. ”

Ding Qi: "You have been together for more than three years, and you have been separated and reunited several times, but every time you break up, he lives in the empty house downstairs. That house is yours too, why don't you kick him out and completely cut off his thoughts?"

Guan Xiaoyin: "That can't make him homeless, I'm still willing to give him another chance, but he always doesn't cherish it." ”

Ding Qi: "Can you ask about your emotional experience, have you ever met a similar man before?"

This sentence seemed to hit the point, Guan Xiaoyin suddenly lowered her head and covered her face and cried, and said in a vague voice: "Why do I always meet ......"

Ding Qi took out a pack of tissues and walked over to put it on the coffee table. On another occasion, if you want to comfort the other person, you will pat your shoulder or touch your head, but you can't in the psychological clinic, whether you are of the same sex or the opposite sex, you must resolutely avoid physical contact during the psychological counseling meeting.

Ding Qi sat down in his seat again, no need to ask anything, Guan Xiaoyin wiped away her tears, and took the initiative to talk about her emotional experience. She is a kind and loving person, but she always encounters "scumbags". Of course, Xiaosha is not the first, and he is probably already the seventh or eighth who has had an intimate relationship, but the situation is always similar.

But Xiaosha seems to be the most special one among them, and they have not completely broken off their relationship until now, and it has lasted the longest. Not long ago, Guan Xiaoyin and Xiaosha broke up again, she felt completely disappointed, but she was still unwilling.