My name is Bai Xiaoxi, and I have a nickname that I boasted of in high school - Happy.

High school is the boundary between me and the past.

In elementary school,

I envy my helpful big brother, and my motivation every day is to meet him, so I always look forward to his arrival stupidly.

He is the king of children in the sixth grade, and he is followed by a group of playmates every day at school. And I, on the other hand, am also a child who desperately wants to be close to him.

"Bai Xiaoxi, can you go away?" is what I am most afraid of others saying. Because I was afraid, I didn't dare to compete with others for what I liked, so I could only take the initiative to get out of the way without a little hesitation.

I was in the third grade, and I was fair and looked like a bully. But I don't hate being bullied, and I think maybe it's a way for people to play with me.

So every time I frolicked with others and got hurt, I never cried.

When my mother came to pick me up at school, she always thought I had been wronged, and then went to the head teacher to complain. Because I was young, I didn't understand what the adults meant, but my mother's serious and loving eyes told me to follow her words.

Later, the teacher sternly talked about the problem in the class, and also criticized and punished one of the most noisy children in the class. So, for a while, that classmate became very timid and didn't like to play with me.

I don't know what killing chickens and monkeys is, but I can see that no one is willing to "bully" me, and no one says to me, "Bai Xiaoxi, can you go away".

As a result, the girls in the class began to be domineering. And I'm happy to have kids to play with, regardless of gender.

At that time, it seemed that there was a person standing alone under the flagpole, and I could see him clearly, it was my tablemate, as for what it was called, I really don't remember, maybe he was very inconspicuous.

Until one day the teacher took a roll call.

"Shi Can. ”

It's the fifth grade, and it seems that in the fifth grade, everyone noticed that there was a child in the class who had been studying together for three years, but he was about to move away.

The teacher is very good at rendering the atmosphere of parting, and the girls who have no impression of "Shi Can" in their minds cry, and at that time, Shi Can seems to have become an inalienable part of our class.

Shi Can also cried, and no one asked him why he was crying. The teacher also judged with his rich teaching experience - this child must have a deep attachment and reluctance to the class.

No, it must not be like this! I saw what Shi Can's eyes contained, as familiar as the other me I saw when I looked in the mirror.

I'm afraid of loneliness and loneliness, and Shi Can doesn't like this lonely and lonely class.

Shi Can has become my shadow since then.

There was still a man standing under the flagpole, but only I could see it.

After junior high school, I liked school even more because I needed friends.

Maybe it's because I'm good-looking, I speak well, and people want to play with me.

My classmates also liked to make fun of me and so-and-so girl, and I knew it was just a superficial connection.

In the second year of junior high school, a big incident happened in the class.

Three girls went missing, and many people speculated at the time that they had been abducted. And I think they're all right.

The three missing girls usually have little to do with their classmates, and they have more communication with other classes.

I've seen one of the girls walking with a notorious boy from the outside class, causing a lot of trouble.

I have also seen them block the younger students and sisters, put on the posture of superiors, and say ridiculous words.

I didn't take a detour, but pretended not to see it, passing by.

"Xiaobai, hi!"

One of the girls had a connection with me on the surface.

Naturally, I turned my head and gave a perfunctory response.

"Don't be shy! ”

"Bai Xiaoxi, the day after tomorrow is Li Yue's birthday. ”

"You know. ”

I saw the younger brothers and sisters who were blocked and at a loss, were they asking me for help?

The voices of those girls were like a gust of wind, and there was only coolness after the blow.

I ended with a cheerful remark that said, "Yes, everybody." Then he turned a deaf ear to the victims and finally left.

Am I too sensitive, and maybe what I'm thinking about doesn't exist at all?

"That's right!" he appeared, a friend who was willing to answer the real me, Blackie.

"What am I afraid of? Is it the same as when I was in elementary school?"

"Almost, you're just afraid, what are you afraid of? loneliness, or loss?"

"Fear of losing. I tried to answer myself

"Is this the only one?" I always felt like something was missing.

"That's all I have. He cried.

I understood that his internal organs were shaped by fear.

I was silent, and by the time I came back to my senses, he was gone.

The missing girl was found in a black internet café three days later, but only two girls returned, and the other went to a drug rehabilitation center.

"It's easy for you to get blackened. "Blackie always kept a distance from me so much that I couldn't see him clearly.

In front of me was a mirror, and across from me was a pale teenager.

"See. ”

"Is it easy to tell?"

"It's not easy. ”

When I was in junior high school, I was a member of the study committee in my class, and I thought that this position could deal with a lot of people.

But in the eyes of my classmates, I am not the kind of good student who urges my classmates to study, but a brother who stands on the united front with them and opposes the teacher.

Once, the Chinese teacher was angry for half of the class and scolded for half the class because of the poor completion of the homework. And there was a classmate who wrote ugly words and was criticized by name.

The teacher called him to the door of the classroom, stood facing him, and then threw his homework on the ground in front of him, scolding.

At this time, someone started to heckle and began to say that the teacher was wrong. And I also took the initiative to stand up against the teacher.

As a result, we didn't have Chinese class the next day, and we were called by the head teacher to the playground to clean up. At that time, some people began to reflect and blame the boy who began to be wronged and was followed by coaxing. When all the pots were on his back, I took the initiative to go over and reprimand him.

"Blackie, I seem to have done a lot of things wrong. "I often lie alone on the fence outside the classroom and talk to Xiao Hei.

"You did nothing wrong. ”

Blackie plays basketball on the basketball court.

"Well, I didn't do anything wrong. ”

"You've just become the person everybody wants to be, and you're a very nice person in the eyes of everyone and they're willing to talk to him. ”

Moreover, dare to speak against it. ”

"Do I want to be that kind of person?"

"It has to be like this. "Little Black shot, shot accurately," because you represent everyone. ”

However, then I learned that I hated Blackie, the one who was lying.

A boy came in the third year of junior high school, and everyone began to laugh at him because of his strange accent. Although this man was tall and tall, he lived like a dwarf.

In our class, his shortcomings were infinitely magnified. Because of the physical incongruity in physical education class, this became the reason for his classmates to ridicule, he tried to get closer to his classmates, showing clumsy hip-hop and ugly singing, which became the reason for his classmates to be estranged, and the boy and a girl said a few more words, which became the reason for the classmates to scoff at them.

He had tried to have a good relationship with me on the surface, and I wanted to pity him. But I was bound by others, and the arguments I made one by one became a thread that controlled me.

So, I became an adherent of cold violence.

I can't forget that scene, the scene that made me vomit.

And that scene happened a week before the high school entrance examination.

The boy codenamed "that man" has finally lost the conditions to survive in this class. The girl who gave him kindness alienated him at some point, gossip was interspersed with laughter, and the sensitive teenager left alone.

"That person" has been my shadow ever since.

"Xiao Hei, you get out of here!" I gave up on being everyone's representative and spending the last week together, and instead chose to go home and review.

Blackie kept following me, like a dog.

"I won't hurt you. ”

I turned my head and repeated the words in a pleading tone: "Xiao Hei, you get out of here!"

There is already a hole in my heart, two holes...... I spit on my pretenses, and I loathe my fantasy friends.

"Can I say a few more words to you?"

Xiao Hei was reluctant, but his movements were speeding up, as if he would disappear in the next second.

At that time, I saw him clearly. He has a cute childish face, but with the loneliness and death of a teenager.

"Blackie, I don't want to be that kind of person. ”

"Really?"

"You hurt me, Blackie. ”

"I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have egged you on to be that kind of person. "Xiao Hei is gone, there is no goodbye, there will be a period later.

I don't want to hurt one person because of a group of people anymore, so why should I listen to other people's opinions?

Xiao Hei didn't come back in the end, just like "that person".

It's high school.

I had a peaceful holiday. I still remember the day when the school gathered after the high school entrance examination, the students scribbled on the school uniforms for the departed youth, leaving their own marks. When I left the house, I was not wearing a school uniform, which lay cleanly on my bed, unfolded, as if a transparent person was lying on the bed in a school uniform.

I know Blackie will never come back. I started to find ways to create a new image for myself – happy.

"Have fun, do you want to eat together?"

"Happy, going to play?"

I've learned never to say no, just to say yes. In this way, Bai Xiaoxi, who carried the malice of others in the past, is not there?

Yang Jingran was my first friend, he was a boy who was cold on the surface and gentle on the inside. I know he's not very good at expressing himself, but he should be the same kind of person as I am, not talking and joining the bystanders.

But I didn't expect that half a year later, I realized that I was completely different from him, which was ridiculous.

When Yang Jingran looked at me, he felt exactly the same way.

When he was gone, I realized that I was still alone.

He must have behaved differently from me because his parents were divorced, it must be like this.

As a class leader, I learned a lot about him.

So, I wanted to help Yang Jingran.

He must have become angularity because of family problems.

However, I don't understand why he just doesn't understand my mind, why does he have to look at me with that hurtful gaze, why do you seem to be a person who doesn't fit in with my world?

Without saying a word, he left beside me. The words that have not yet been brewed in my heart have all turned into heartache for no reason.

At that time, I thought that this was no longer necessary, that it was no longer necessary for him to be who he was. I should be happy, make others happy, just make others happy.

And I, it's a fake happy.

In my sophomore year of high school, I transferred a lot of new classmates. Among them, there is a girl, beautiful and very temperamental. Maybe she's the girl I want to be in high school.

I began to pay more or less attention to her. Occasionally, she brought others to laugh with her inadvertently in front of her, pretending to talk casually, and hiding her unfledged affection.

One day, she was bullied.

I was bullied by a group of unserious boys in the sophomore (13) class of high school. I was very angry, and I don't know why I thought of it - Yang Jingran, who dared to stand up for others.

The secretly fermented lovesickness and deformed thoughts led to a violent chemical reaction - the urge to speak for it.

"Who do you think you are, little white face?"

"Please keep your mouth shut, I have an unusual relationship with Director Wang of the Teaching Office, so I naturally have the ability to be arrogant with you bastards. ”

This statement is a lie.

"If you don't just coddle an egg, you can't stand up straight when you find someone to support you. Although the words were vicious, the other party had begun to restrain his actions and arrogant temper.

"Your actions are despicable, a bunch of scum. If you dare to do such a thing, do you forget the school rules and punishments?"

I'm the one who is angry.

"Yo, don't think that I'll be afraid of you with Director Wang. I heard that Yang Jingran's madman is in your class, no wonder he walked with us, it turns out that there is such an upright character!"

"Don't take Yang Jingran to talk about me!"

The idea of deformity was exposed.

"He's just a coward who can easily fall when he's hurt. What does it have to do with me, a withdrawn guy like him who can't fit in with others!?"

Pan Yihao arrived and listened to my words.

"Cut, don't be too arrogant! if I were Yang Jingran, I would definitely kill you!" Fang Hao stepped forward and grabbed me by the collar, but I didn't show any fear, because the other party would take care of my fake identity.

"Hmph, you are the same as Yang Jingran, you are all scumbags who are wasting your lives and have no future!"

After saying that, I found that my eyes were full of feelings—I was about to cry.

Why? There's no one left to answer me.

"Don't look down on people!"

Fang Hao breathed a long sigh of relief, didn't look at me again, and left.

"If I were Yang Jingran, I would definitely beat you. Pan Yihao also left.

They don't understand!

The supporting characters are stepped down one by one, and the gaffer puts the dim lights in the distance.

There was a man there.

My eyes were blurred with tears of cowardice and pretense. I can't see clearly, not at all.

He stood there and watched me for a few seconds, and then before I could see clearly, he left.

I'm a weirdo!

Yang Jingran, I'm sorry.

All along, I have been arbitrarily judging your feelings and circumstances with my own narrow understanding.

That afternoon,

When Yang Jingran left the classroom, I closed the mouth that had just opened and looked at Yang Jingran who was walking farther and farther away.

Things seem to have been buried deep in silence as a result.

Senior year, the second week of school.

A new conflict arose between me and Yang Jingran.

"Yang Jingran, can you study hard?" I said a rare word when I passed by him, but the other party was playing with his mobile phone and ignored me.

That day, I had a feeling of heat and hatred.

Someone gave me some photos, photos of Yang Jingran doing evil.

Is that what you are all that shady?

Are you a wicked person at all?

Have you failed my confession?

Yang Jingran also broke out.

Hmph, he was originally an unruly gangster. Yang Jingran fought with me, but I was always at a disadvantage.

"Yang Jingran, stop!"

The girl I had a crush on spoke, but I found that her angry gesture belonged to only one person, and that person was Yang Jingran.

Out of fear and timidity, I distanced myself from her. Xia Ke seems to have been framed, and the girls in the class have a conflict with her. One side is aggrieved, and the other side is silent. The silent side was naturally pushed to the guillotine.

My entanglement and hesitation turned into ruthlessness and incomprehension, and who knew that it was a manifestation of my uneasiness about you?

The sound of the classroom squabbling rang out again, and it was disgusting. Xia Ke left the classroom.

So, Yang Jingran got up and rushed over to push me away without warning.

"Yang Jingran, you're just a gangster with no future!"

I'm venting my negative emotions and releasing them without reservation.

"That's right!" Yang Jingran looked at me, furious.

The evil of youth is incompatible with the world.

Sure enough, the world is not as beautiful as I thought. I didn't feel anything wrong with this decision.

I want everyone to understand that Yang Jingran is a wicked person.

I once had this conversation with Blackie.

Me: Why is the world so cruel?

Black: Because there are opposing weak and strong, and they know each other. The weak hope and desire to be strong because they see the strong. But powerful desires are like mirages, worn out and sprouted again and again. As a result, the weak think that the world is cruel.

Me: Blackie, are you using cruel words to cover up your true thoughts?

Blackie: You found out.

Me: It doesn't matter if you're weak or strong. Human beings are social animals and have an instinct to crave their own kind, so "special" people will feel that the world is cruel in a relatively "ordinary" population.