It is spring and March, the sky in the south is cloudy and rainy, and the weather is like the center of Daiyu's eyebrows, full of gloomy clouds that cannot be dispersed. I happened to pass by here, and you stood in a narrow alley with a paper umbrella, a white dress printed with blue and white flowers, and a long ponytail. Holding an umbrella in his right hand and skirt in his left hand, he took a small step on tiptoe and looked at it, as if he was looking for something. The corners of the walls are covered with moss, and the stones on the ground have been smoothed by time, like a mirror. The rain poured down from the green tiles full of vicissitudes, dripping on the smooth stone face, making a nice sound, and in the middle of the alley there was a cat cowering under the eaves, squinting and motionless. The alley was so long that there was no end in sight, as if it were another world over there, except for the occasional word or two of hawkers' cries from afar. My friend said that it was clearly a painting. I said, no, there is only one person who dreams of the end of the world. I don't know where she's going, what she's looking for, but I wish she could find what she's looking for!

I sat at the head of the bed, the door locked, the curtains drawn tightly, and there was no light, especially in this rainy weather. Grandma had called me several times to eat, but I didn't answer. Everyone in my family knows that since I came back from Xi'an, my whole person has changed, I don't like to talk, I lock myself in the house every day, sit in bed in a daze, except for when I am hungry and dizzy, I go to the toilet in a hurry, or never go out, do not communicate with anyone. The mobile phone text message rings occasionally, don't think about it, it must be a text message from Yiqing again. She sends me more than a dozen text messages a day, and she's used to my non-reply, but she still doesn't mean to stop. She would tell me what she saw and heard today, tell me what she ate, and more innocuous things. Later, she told me that she had checked it on the Internet and that I was already mildly depressed. I laughed it off!

She texted and said: It's dangerous for you to go on like this, one day you will fall into your own pit and never be able to climb out again.

I replied: Then remember to help me fill in the soil when the time comes, but don't erect a monument, I don't want others to know where I am.

She said: What should be past will always pass, people should look forward, not stand still, let go of themselves.

I can't remember how many times I've shed tears. It's just that I haven't cried since then, and I feel like I'm strong enough and how much frustration I have, so I might as well come all at once, so that I know how strong I really am inside. One day, the parents came home. Sitting across from me, I could see that they had hesitated for a long time.

The mother looked at the father in confusion and said, "Say it."

The father frowned, seemed to organize the language, and lit a cigarette. finally spoke: That's right, Dad knows that you feel uncomfortable, but you can't do this either, you have time to go out for a walk, which will suffocate you.

I knew what he was going to say, I took the towel and put it over my face, I really didn't want my parents to see me cry, and as a man, I really thought it was a bad thing to cry. I just listened to him talk to me, word after sentence, and I went in and out of my left ear.

Mother spoke: She said, your father and I are not very educated, and we are not very good at talking, but as your parents, it is very uncomfortable to look at you like this.

There was a clear cry in the mother's voice. I didn't dare look at her. She paused, as if making up her mind.

And continued: Since you came back, Mom has been... I haven't dared to mention Xiaoyan's matter to you, for fear that you won't be able to think about it. But I can't bear to watch you go on like this. In this way, let your dad install a computer at home tomorrow, don't you like to play games? Play, Mom won't talk about you, you can play as long as you want, okay.

I didn't say anything, I just felt the tears running down my face and down, very hot and hot. In the next few days, I sat in front of the computer every day, immersed in the world of online games, and sat for a day, except for the occasional chat with Yiqing on QQ.

She told me: Someone was hit and killed on Jiefang Road today. I know no, I was hit by a bicycle and died. I suddenly felt that human life is so fragile.

She said to herself in the chat bar, as if she was writing about her feelings in a diary, and she didn't care if I replied to her or not.

She sent another message: Tell you a secret. Want to hear it?

I said: Say.

She quickly replied: Hahaha... I lied to you, in fact, there is no secret, I just want you to talk. There was also a mischievous expression behind it. Okay, I'm in a good mood, I won't tell you, I'm going out, Liu Pan told me to go out shopping, I'll find you later.

This was followed by a kissing expression. I didn't reply. Until later, it was a long, long time later, and one day, I was sitting on the bus home with her, and her head was resting on my shoulder, and she closed her eyes and said, "You know what? Actually, I liked you a long time ago." It's just in the name of a friend, because then you can't refuse me, and you can't hurt me. Because we are forever separated by that layer of window paper. When we met, you had a girlfriend, I was single, and then you broke up, I got a boyfriend, and then I broke up, and you left. Do you think this is God's arrangement? I didn't answer. I listened quietly to what she had to say.

I forgot how I carried it during my most difficult and difficult days, but I just think Yiqing is indispensable. It was from that time that I had the habit of writing, starting late at night every day, making a cup of tea, smoking a cigarette, chatting with Yiqing, and typing at the same time. If you make a mistake, delete it and rewrite it, not for anything else, but to pass the time and not let yourself have other ideas.

Lin Qingxuan once said, "When we are in pain, we can really feel that every drop of rain is condensed by the tears of sorrow in our previous lives." The rain is a symbol of the sad world, and it is because I see every pedestrian in the rain, and there is a hidden bitterness in my heart that is not seen. "Perhaps, that's really the case! It's like wandering alone in an old alley, looking at the gray sky, letting the cool wind wrap around our ears and entangle with three thousand strands of hair. The eyes were filled with infinite confusion, like a pool of black water, heavy, as if it was very deep, and everything was drowned. The sky was quietly raining, the sound of the rain was not as loud as imagined, but it was a ruthless person who was saddened by the wind and rain, and the pedestrian who walked slowly said softly according to his eyes: These are his sad tears.

The master told me that I was quiet and inactive, free and comfortable. A bamboo forest, a bluestone case, a pen, a piece of paper, a pot of tea, a stick of incense, a person, of course, is good, but what can't be let go is sorrow, and what can't be dispersed is the bond. Our life is like living in a pool of deep water, aimless, a sea of stars, and I don't know where the end is. There were so many people around me who stopped and told me that I didn't want to move, that I couldn't find my goal, that I was tired, very tired, so tired, so that everyone I met later told me that I wanted someone to accompany me to the shore and walk with me, because I was tired of the feeling of stagnant water, and it made me uneasy. I am willing to be a grass, even if it is eroded by wind and rain, even if it is blown by wind and sand, it must grow hard, bloom hard, and shine with green.

That's how we are, if you don't go through suffering, you never know how strong you are, how strong you can become, how much you can endure. We tend to underestimate ourselves, but we are not underestimating ourselves, but we are magnifying suffering. May all the tribulations make you a strong heart, may you be well, and may this time be kind to you!

May you find what you seek!