I have been doing nothing at home for nearly a month, and I have been to many classmates' houses to eat flowing water banquets, and I have drunk so much wine for the first time. Riding a motorcycle around, my family didn't control it like that, only to find out that there are so many places in a small county that I haven't been to. High school is finally over, a few families are happy and a few are sad, and everyone is rarely so indulgent.

I remember one night, I drank 12 bowls of beer, and at 3 o'clock I rode the motorcycle home, more than ten kilometers of road, and some mountain roads, I still don't know how to go at the beginning, just stop halfway, after a soak of urine, the cold in the early morning, let me gradually wake up. It's really crazy to think about it now, if it was an accident, maybe life would have ended hastily. Alcohol really makes people lose their minds, and under normal circumstances, I don't do that, I cherish my life and try to be as stable as possible in everything I do.

I was about to leave, and I sorted out a few things. "Broken up", in fact, it can't be said to be a breakup, we haven't even been in a relationship yet. She was a sentimental girl, taciturn, and like me, she didn't have any friends at school, except for a good relationship with a girlfriend, and she was usually alone.

Personally, I don't think she's my first love, and she's not the type I like, but ————。

About us, it was in the third year of high school, one day, well, it was Sunday I remember very clearly, I was reading a novel at the time, and I was in a trance, and suddenly QQ came to the news, and my QQ usually doesn't send me a message. The thief is quiet, and someone will look for me if there is something, so I clicked on it excitedly.

"Liu Pengju I like you"

It scared me out at the time, she wasn't the one to make such a joke, was she playing Truth or Dare? Whatever the reason, it caught me off guard anyway, it was too sudden.

"No kidding, it's not April Fool's Day and you're not that kind of person"

"Am I particularly bored and take the initiative to confess to a boy, I'm like a joke?"

"No, how can I say that, what kind of person am I, I still have a point in my heart, just a dick, unpopular, and not handsome............"

"I wanted to say this sentence a long time ago, I'm going to take the college entrance examination soon, I just don't want to leave regrets, you're so good, I'm not worthy of you, I know you've never paid attention to me. ”

……

In this way, you talked for an afternoon, and at the end I summed it up and came to such a conclusion - "I am a good person!"

Indeed, looking back on the bits and pieces of the past few years, although she is not very popular in school, the starting point of doing things is for the good of everyone, and there are still a few people who understand, so I have a good impression on her.

Second, because I don't have any ideas about her, I usually joke with her, we get along well, she speaks good English, but my English is a mess, because she sits in front of me, I often ask her for help, she teaches me English, and I can talk to her about something other than English (she is also good at English).

She likes to wear sweatshirts, always wears a hood, and when the hat is put down during class, her long hair is not so soft, maybe there are too many hat straps. The hat is always crumpled, and it just so happens that I have a bit of obsessive-compulsive disorder, and then I couldn't help it, so I said:

"I'll help you tidy up your hat"

Without waiting for a reply, she did it, she seemed to be very resistant, and thinking about it, a girl's hair can't be moved. Later, I got into the habit of helping her fix her hat and cut her hair casually. She gradually got used to it, and began to not care. It wasn't until later that I realized how wrong I had been.

I just think it's all a gesture, everyone is classmates, nothing, I'm the same for everyone. And now it's happening like this, and I'm scrambling.

I didn't say no, and I certainly didn't agree, but I diverted the subject. Since then, we often chat privately through QQ, and it seems that we have nothing to talk about, but limited to the Internet, in reality it is still the same as usual, but we have less and less contact, and we are getting closer and closer on the Internet.

I joked that we were "the strangers I knew best", I guess no one knew about us, she was an introverted, even a little withdrawn girl, and I was essentially like that, so communication was limited to the Internet. We didn't want to interfere with our learning, so I didn't do anything, so I just took it one step at a time.

In the third year of high school, everyone was under a lot of pressure and needed to be released, especially a withdrawn girl like her, there was someone who understood her and accompanied her, so that she would not collapse.

Every message sent out on the Internet was sent by me after careful consideration, and she always thought I was excellent, perhaps because I let her see only the most perfect me, and I never behaved badly in front of her. Everything is so beautiful, so unrealistic, maybe the Internet is an emotional utopia, detached from reality, only beautiful.

When I was filling out the volunteer, she asked me where I was going, and I said:

"Northeast or northwest, I want to go out and explore, those places are places where people are tempered. ”

She later went to study English at a university in the south, and I went to a university for nationalities in the northwest to study biology.

I think I have to make it clear to her now, I can't delay people, and make it clear how I feel about her—that's not love. It's just some care within my ability, I'm not for her, and she's not for me.

"Pengju, you are a good person, thank you for always being with me, caring for me, helping me, you are really a good person,"

"I'm sorry, my fault, but I can't be wrong again and again, so it's only you who gets hurt in the end!"

"It's okay but I'm making a fool of myself, I'm fine, I'm strong, like you said, in fact, I expected the ending a long time ago, we really don't fit. By the way, you will take the initiative when you meet the girl you like in the future, not all girls want to be so stupid, you are too stupid when you get along with girls, you don't even dare to hold my hand, of course, you are cute when you are stupid. ……”

"Huh"

"By the way, I thank you for giving me the money for the journey, do you think I don't know? I'll pay you back after a while. ”

"Don't mention this in the future, otherwise I'll turn my face, I'm afraid I won't even be able to be a friend at that time." Don't let me have regrets, maybe this will make you remember it for a lifetime. ”

After the college entrance examination, she was going to Guangdong to work for the summer vacation, this was the first time she mustered up the courage to go outside, but her parents didn't let her, so she went secretly with her classmates, I expressed my understanding and gave her encouragement, but she didn't want me to help. I had no choice but to quietly transfer my two weeks' wages to her. I also misled her on the phone, making her think that her parents were helping her, and the funny thing is that I always thought that I was doing it seamlessly.

In my opinion, it's me who is sorry for her, although there is no right or wrong thing about feelings.