Initially, I paid for hanging out with her, until one time I went to her place. She lives in a single room in an urban village, the house is small, but clean and tidy, and the floor is spotless. She cooked four dishes in the shared kitchen at the end of the hallway, and her performance that day changed my opinion of her greatly. At first, I just thought she was an ordinary dancer, doing jobs that were looked down upon by society in order to make money, and she loved money like her peers, and was lazy to do it. I was only with her to find the stories I had experienced, and I never saw her as a true friend. She was grinning, open-mouthed, full of swear words at every turn, smoking nine cigarettes a day, no more, no less. But she is a good cook, and she is very good at fried shredded potatoes, so I ate two bowls of rice and three steamed buns with her fried shredded potatoes until my stomach could not hold it. To my surprise, she was so virtuous and full of joy at the table, she would pick up the grains of rice and put them in her mouth when they fell on the table, never left leftovers, and told me that she hated wasting food the most. When she was cooking, I went to the kitchen three times and asked her if she needed my help and what I wanted to do, and she told me to set up the table and stools and leave nothing else. After eating, I washed the dishes and chopsticks by myself, and then mopped the floor, during which I just sat on the sofa and looked at her with a restrained and appreciative look. When she was done, she took off her apron, sat on the edge of the bed, and let out a sigh to recover from her busyness. I got up and touched her thighs, and she dodged me to stop moving.

"Don't do that. "It's not working time," she said. ”

Once in the dance hall, her business was not good, and it was difficult for me to interfere with one dance partner after another. At the last moment of work in the dance hall, I danced with her. At that point, we became more acquainted and I opened myself up more, and I reached behind her jeans, her chest pressed against mine, her head resting on my shoulder. I thought she was just a symbolic resistance, but I pushed in harder, but she couldn't resist my strength and pinched the back of my hand with her nails, breaking the skin. The pain made me know that she really didn't want me to go in, and I retreated, and honestly put my hand on her waist.

"Are you really a virgin?" she asked.

"It's true. I said.

"A man of this age, if he is still a virgin. She said, "Not because of love, but because of childishness." ”

She said that I must have never been in a relationship like this, and that there must have been a very important woman in my life. She gave a deeper explanation, saying that love and sex are completely different things, and older virgins are all because they have a misunderstanding of love and misunderstand the meaning of love itself. Love is like eating and sleeping, eat when you're hungry, and sleep when you're sleepy. I refuted her point of view, there is no sexual taste of love and chewing wax. She pinched my ass again in the dark.

"Fool, don't be so presumptuous. She said, "You are not accomplishing anything now because you are so self-righteous that you have not even experienced sex, so you are not qualified to discuss sex and love." ”

The first time she didn't charge me for the dance, and when I handed her the money, she waved her hand and said she didn't: "Take your money, poor virgin, you need more money than I do now." "With the first time, there is a second time, and she is intermittently free of charge for the next dance, and I am allowed to hug him and touch her body when she is not working. Once, she was panting and kissing me with her eyes half-closed. I tried to take the opportunity to reach for her lower body, but she broke my hand again, pushed me away, and said I didn't want to get it.

I took her to a German language course, and halfway through the third session, the teacher gave her an hour and a half of reading homework every night. In the workshop, everyone was only allowed to speak in German, and she sat next to me and listened in a daze. I still insist on reciting the original German version of Faust every day, and I feel that my memory has greatly improved, and the ability to memorize it is comparable to my memory of human figures.

Work is still my top priority, as I used to think when I was looking for a job, I must find a job that allows me to continue to do it, like a normal person recognized by the society, the salary is maintained at the normal level of the society, the company pays insurance, and there is a year-end bonus. All the performances and thoughts when looking for a job pointed in one direction – I was maturing. If the desirelessness I showed when I was in school was due to my personality, then the lack of ambition I am now showing is due to maturity, age and time that have taught me more. There are only a few successful people, ability and luck are indispensable, and people are unhappy because they have dreams in their hearts - dreams that exceed their own abilities. I'm glad I discovered this early, so that I could have gathered my mind early and lived early for life instead of for the ethereal so-called dreams. I knew that this time I had to face life again and start over, even though I thought about it many times.

I didn't find a job that had nothing to do with painting, and when I was about to run out of money, I asked a friend or found a part-time job on my own to get myself through it. I haven't bought clothes for more than a year, I wear two pairs of underwear, washed white, I only wear three pairs of socks and one pair of shoes a year, and the soles of my shoes are broken. It wasn't until the autumn rain that every year made me feel nostalgic that the weather was getting colder and winter was approaching, and I needed to buy a warm coat. One Saturday night, when I was leaving the ballroom with a dancer who resembled Helenlin, she took a bag from the locker and walked out of the ballroom door and handed it to me.

"I'll send you. She said, "I've known you for so long, and you've always only worn one piece of clothing." ”

I told her that this was the first time someone of the opposite sex had given me a gift, and she said that someone would definitely give it in the future. It was a thin down jacket that could be worn in autumn and winter, so I held it on my chest, lowered my head and sniffed it, and then put it on directly. She told me to take it off quickly, saying that the dress underneath me was not washed and would stink the new dress she gave me. She stepped up to take off my clothes, I hugged her and touched her through her pants, she turned around and slapped me, calling me shameless. Then he turned around and said I could go to her and she did the laundry for me. We got on the last bus, and I was sure it was the one I had when I first followed her, and I remember the driver's face very well. Everything was familiar, and she didn't know that I knew the route from the ballroom to her quarters.

The village where she lived was still noisy at night, and this was the first time I had entered her room at night. In her room, she always behaves like a mature woman who is comfortable with life. She helped me wash the shirt I was wearing, and I sat in her room topless, and neither of us thought or asked what I was going to wear when I washed my clothes. She hangs her clothes on the balcony, and the night wind only takes one night to dry her wet clothes. I wiped my hands clean with a towel, I hugged her from behind and kissed her neck, she gasped, I put my hand inside her pants and touched her scare, she didn't resist this time, I felt her scares dampness.

As I had done two years ago in the city by the sea, I didn't accomplish anything. The time for everything to come is as swift as the time to retreat. I left her and sat on the couch, mired in self-blame and pain. She was tidying up her clothes, and I didn't have anything to do.

"Huh. She said, "I knew it would be like this, and you will never understand what love is." ”

That night, I lay on the floor she had laid for me, listening to her even breathing as she slept, wondering why I had come to her room with her, and what the hell I was thinking before putting my hand in her pants. From the initial interest in her to the invitation to her for the first black dance, I was just looking for long-term memories and hoping to deeply feel the truth I needed. But as I spent more time with her and danced with her more and more, the feeling I felt less and less like she looked for in her, and she became more and more like a real person rather than a shadow. The first time I touched her, the things I was looking for and the illusions I had been shattered, and I didn't know it. Because when I touched her, I never thought of Hai Linlin, and I never thought that I was like this with her for Hai Linlin, until this infidelity to Hai Linlin awakened my love conscience for the second time. From the beginning, I just touched her ass through her pants, but in the end, I managed to put my hand into her lower body and feel the dampness and heat of her body, everything was an instinctive relationship between men and women. But I didn't do anything with her in the lonely room at night - just like the time with Qiu Pei, she said "I knew it was going to be like this" made me understand that she really knew that it would be like this, and when she knew that I was a virgin, she knew that it would be this way, so she resisted me again and again to make the last move. As for me, when I tried the last step again and again, I was just led by primitive desires, blind and confused, and I didn't know where to go, until the last moment I realized that I was walking on the road of infidelity to love. For her and Qiu Pei, I can always show ease, I don't feel nervous at all, and I show myself in the most natural way of thinking. It's the opposite of what I was with Helenlin, and it wasn't until this evening that I knew I needed to figure out one question: whether I liked — or feared — Helenlyn.