It was as if all my strength had been drained, and the sound of blood pulsating in my ears, mixed with the sound of my heartbeat, robbed me of all consciousness.

There is also a panic full of pain in my heart. When I knocked on the door of Zhang Xingchen's house, when he stood in front of me.

When he yelled at me, "Get out, get out of here!" ”

He slammed the door slam and shut me out.

What started behind my ears was like a sharp pain like a filament pulling and stretched into my ears, and then a sharp tinnitus sounded in my ears, and I covered my ears with both hands, hard, desperately.

But the voice did not disappear, like a long sharp silver-white needle, which continued in the darkness, and continued, as if there was no end, as if it was going to tear me apart completely.

Zhang Xingchen, he said, "Enough, I'm fed up with you, please." ”

I don't know what he's talking about, I never thought that one day he would do this to me, never thought that one day when his patience with me ran out.

He also said, "Don't you know what you've done? You stabbed me with a knife, and since you stabbed me again and again with a knife, you should at least have a little self-consciousness that a criminal should have, right? Don't you know, after hurting others, it is also polite and common sense to stay away from it with a guilty heart, don't you understand? ”

I thought that Zhang Xingchen was Zhang Xingchen, and he would always let me, and I could always be right in front of him, okay, even if I didn't think about it seriously before, but at the moment I think so, why? Because he is Zhang Xingchen.

Even if we are separated countless times, even if we really separate in the end, even if we can't be together in this life, he and I will always be able to maintain patience with each other like this, and treat each other as special beings that no one can surpass. Special save zài.

It turned out that it wasn't.

He also has the patience to run out of the day.

I assume that the mermaid in the fairy tale, before turning into a bubble, the prince fell in love with her and also with her tail, let's say.

However, there is no "Ending" subtitle. There is no blurry shot of the prince and the mermaid princess hugging each other and then pulling farther and farther away, but one day, the prince's patience with the mermaid princess's mermaid tail is exhausted, and at this time, love is no longer a reason to support the fragile reality, and the power of love becomes insignificant.

The prince was tired of those days, tired of the days when the ugly tail of tolerance and forgiveness was made.

The prince said to the mermaid princess, "I've had enough of being frightened by your tail, can't you be a little self-aware?" Don't you have even the most basic common sense? Watching me endure so many times. Anyone with a little common sense will hide himself, won't he? ”

Then, the romantic music is transposed, and the whole world becomes the low, hoarse and sad voice of the cello.

How ridiculous!

What kind of mood did I have in front of this door? Stepping on my own shame, closing my ears, blindfolding my heart, and walking here, I still think how great and empathetic I am.

Who knows. He finally got tired of it.

Yes, common sense tells me. Normal people will get tired of it.

Putting aside my shame, I asked myself, yes, even if I decided to leave him, I still had a glimmer of hope that one day. No matter how long it had been, he was still standing there, and when I turned around, he still opened his hands, waiting to embrace me.

Why?

Because he is Zhang Xingchen. is the one who loves Lu Xiaochao more than Lu Xiaochao himself.

He won Lu Xiaochao and everyone in this world.

However, the dreamy and soothing romantic music is transposed at this moment.

The world seemed to be immersed in the mournful sound of the cello.

I didn't have time to sort out the common sense between me and Zhang Xingchen, and all the way here, he used the word common sense to turn me away.

Probably most people don't know it.

The word that I am most afraid of is common sense.

If it is common sense, I am not worthy of being angry, I am not worthy of pride, I am not worthy of jealousy, I am not worthy of being evil, I am not worthy of being very self-assured, I am not worthy of no one in my eyes, I am not worthy of being repeated, I am not worthy of being willful, I am not worthy of being vexatious, I am not worthy of all the bad things and sins of this world.

Not worthy of coveting happiness, not worthy of rejection, not worthy of pursuit, not worthy of the stars holding the moon, not worthy of dreaming, not worthy of longing, not worthy of the most beautiful qiē in the world.

I should live on the edge of the world, live quietly and die quietly with the label that this world has given me.

Perhaps, I was originally sick when I thought this way, but this is the common sense that I have learned since I was a child.

You are crippled, unlike everyone else, but you have to be a kind person, not fighting or grabbing, so that you can make up for your physical defects.

That way, people will like you.

This is also common knowledge that I learned.

However, Zhang Xingchen never asked me to follow these common senses, I thought that in his world, I could not follow those common senses, I thought that he was my only exit in this suffocating world.

Oh.

Also, anger dare, shame, after which, began to attack what little reason I had left.

The tinnitus gradually disappeared, and I yelled at Zhang Xingchen's closed door: "I will hold my guilty heart and avoid you from afar, thank you so much, I have no common sense, thank you for tolerating it for so long." ”

But after this shouting, the silence in the door made me feel more and more embarrassed.

Back to the world of common sense, why does he tolerate me over and over again, why does he like all my faults? He would also think that I was disgusting, very annoying, like anyone in this world, who could have that disgusting affection for me, why couldn't he?

I fled through the door, afraid that standing there would breed even more terrible feelings.

It can be seen that I am not really so disgusted with myself, I also know that running away means that I still have the instinct to survive, the instinct of self-preservation, and the most basic instinct of human beings, I have it.

I met Zhang Xingchen's mother downstairs.

I was going to slip away, but she stopped me head-on.

"Auntie."

"Did you see him?" She asked me in an indifferent tone.

I nodded.

She let out a long sigh, "After all, I'm still just going to see you." She looked at me once, and then asked, "But why did you look like this?" Didn't you talk to him more? ”

I couldn't help but be surprised, and then asked her, "Aren't you against me seeing him?" ”

"He locked himself up and didn't see anyone since he came back from the courtroom last time. Now I'm willing to see you, and I haven't even seen his face until now. She frowned, her eyes full of worry: "I don't know what to do with him like this." ”

"I couldn't speak, he just opened the door and yelled at me. I can't help but slam the door shut, I'm sorry. I said lightly, and then I owed a debt, intending to leave.

But she grabbed me and slapped me in the face.

"You're being brazen to the extreme." She said with a look of disdain: "At this juncture, you still only care about your own feelings, don't you?" Therefore, you disabled people do not deserve the love of normal people, and you are destined to have a deformed character from birth. How can you be in love with a normal person? People like you are destined from birth, and the loneliness and inferiority complex in your heart have turned you into a withdrawn and selfish monster, and you will only turn the good people into negative and misanthropic people, and drag down the good people. ”

"Why do you need an irrelevant person to heal your wounds?" Her words are as sonorous as iron. Extinguished all my luck of hiding the mermaid's tail.

"You're helpless against yourself, aren't you? So, you put all your hopes in the stars who don't care about your disability. You put all your hopes in him, and you don't hide your shortcomings and your deformed personality to him, and you hope that he will fall in love with you. Right? ”

She grabbed my arm firmly, as if she knew I was about to escape, and held on tightly. Didn't mean to let me go in the slightest.

"Auntie, have you said enough?" I asked in a trembling voice.

"For the sake of the stars, have you paid a slightest, except for the constant demand, have you paid a slightest?" She snorted coldly. Asked by looking me straight in the eye.

When I think about it, I don't really have to pay for him.

Just to gain, is to hurt.

Pay.

When the word sounded, I couldn't remember any image in my mind.

Even if it was for him, it was just my selfishness, because the world I longed for was shattered.

That's why Zhang Xingchen said to me that he was enough, and he was enough.

yes, if it were me, it would be enough.

"Nothing to say?" Auntie let go of me.

Her indifferent and disdainful gaze, at this moment, seemed to be what I deserved.

Isn't it, she hates me so much, she has seen through me a long time ago, she foresaw the fate of Zhang Xingchen staying with me, she foresaw it, so she tried to stop it, and did not hesitate to hide the news that Zhang Xingchen was not dead from me?

"You have the right to compensate him, at least until the lawsuit is over, stay by his side for me!" She said, "Whether he is angry at you, or he rejects you, even if it is excessive, you have to endure it, you owe him, and you will not be able to pay it back in your lifetime." ”

I'm not a firm person, and I'm not firm about my worldview and values.

I don't know, what's right and what's wrong, the only person in this world who treats me by temperament is Zhang Xingchen, mine gives everything I have, without reservation, at this moment, it seems that it is just a brazen plunder.

I felt that my own thinking was also wrong, so I couldn't even say a word of inquiry or rebuttal.

Zhang Xingchen's mother, it should be right, at least I have a weak heart, I think, even if I have no judgment, my weak heart can prove that she is right.

I'm just a puddle of mud that only hurts everyone who accidentally gets into it.

"Okay......" The moment I spoke, tears also came out of my eyes, and I tried to hold back, but the words still came out of my throat along with crying: "I will pester him and accompany him ......"

It's like atonement.

I feel that it is not the world that is despising me, it has always been me who is despising myself.

Common sense, these are all cocooned by me;

But even at the moment when I realized this, I still couldn't do anything.

The tail of the mermaid grows together with my body, connected by threads, into the flesh and blood, Hua Tuo is alive, and the mermaid tail can't be cut off, what can Zhang Xingchen do? What can I do? (To be continued......)