【5/12

I don't believe in love, and my birth proves that love is nothing but a joke; If my "relatives" can give me a little warmth and comfort, I think probably I will believe in family affection, I don't believe that the status of any kind of affection in this world can be heavier than myself in the balance of my heart, and if I don't rely on myself, everything I have gained will eventually disappear.

How fragile are human feelings? I could never pin my fate on something less reliable than a cookie. I reject all feelings, but I have known since I was a child that honesty is disgusting, and I have to treat it with a proper attitude, so I converge my feelings into the deepest part of my body, and correspond to everyone with words and colors, and I don't need everyone to be friendly to me, but at least I will not be hostile, but I will never be too close.

It makes me feel very secure.

In fact, it's just that the snail refuses to step out of its shell after being brutally hurt by stretching out its tentacles to test the world. If the zombies had not appeared, the end times would not have come.

In fact, I should have understood a long time ago that I was not unable to deliver trust, but I was afraid, afraid of being betrayed after delivering trust, and just imagining it made me feel physiological disgust, and I was afraid to vomit. I've had enough of trusting someone and being pushed into the abyss, and all the light is gradually pulling out of front of my eyes. Horror watched as darkness enveloped me, engulfing me.

No one is willing to do anything for someone like me. I don't want to have such ridiculous fantasies and experience the despair of loss at the end of death.

Rather than that, I'd rather. I'd rather take it myself and keep myself safe. Although such an idea is too cold and heartless, I don't think it's wrong.

If it doesn't really happen.

Why is it happening? It must be that God is punishing people like me who have no heart.

If someone really loves me, spares their lives for me, and calmly accepts the death I have designed with my own hands; If someone really cares about me, even if my existence is not a help at all, they should be distracted and concerned about my safety and believe my lies, even if they sound true. True longing has always been hidden in the deepest depths of my heart, no matter how much I ignore or forget, these things, are these things my dreams?

People who love me, spoil me, love me, believe in me, will I jump up happily if they really appear? I can't guess, but I can't deny my heartbeat, it's so desirable, longing to the point that I want to cry.

The fact that I felt good before, how painful I feel now, the pain of wanting to die immediately, I could have all this, everything I imagined heaven to look like, lovers, relatives, friends, it could be ordinary, but the real feelings in it meant a lot to me, it made me feel that I should have been a person, not a body.

Everything was ruined by me.

If I hadn't experienced such feelings, nothing would have tormented me. But I felt it, and then I had to face the reality of what it was like to kill someone who truly loved me. What does it feel like to kill all the people in this world who are truly true to themselves?

I'm alive, but I'm living in hell. My hands are filled with the blood of the people who are best to me, my sins have made me unrecognizable, I am ashamed to see people, every time I face them, I feel as if I have a murder weapon in my hands, and they are all scars from my stabs, I can't even say that I am a human being, no one would do such a cruel and stupid thing.

How I wish it all was fake. But I know that everything is true, everything has happened, and if I don't remember these things, I'm afraid it will happen again, and I am so terrible that I have become such a murderer who I can't bear to look at directly.

Maybe in the last days, the shadow of murder will not hang over people for a long time, after all, there are many times, either you die or I die, and there is no sorrow and self-blame for the person who wants to take your life. Killing a bad person, or a stranger, doesn't make me miserable, and the last days will magnify my indifference infinitely, and become a calm bad person, but even if it's a bad person...... Kill someone who affirms that they love you...... No, more than one, I'm afraid it's not a good feeling, right...... This feeling is driving me crazy.

A bad person, but can't be completely bad, how sad can I be?

Zhong Liwu's eyes before he died already made me uncomfortable, but I still avoided quibbles in my heart, convincing myself that it was not what I thought, it was not so bad...... Zhong Lifu is still like this in this life. I am so despicable, I don't deserve to be liked by him at all, the funny thing is that every time I think about Zhong Liwu's confession, I still think about what kind of peace of mind I will have after accepting it, and then smile - how brazen, murderer, I am just a murderer, such a delusion is simply tarnishing Zhong Lifu's innocent feelings.

I don't deserve a happy life.

However, how hypocritical, the reason for rejecting Zhong Lifu is the refusal of standing in a high position, not daring to think of the truth, not daring to face such a truth, and afraid of piercing all superficial peace and stability, in that case, I can only leave, if I say it, Zhong Zizhen will never tolerate me anymore.

I know. I know the pain of betrayal, the angry eyes, and the heart-burning hatred of Zhong Zizhen before he died. I am afraid of being betrayed, so why should I put my worst fears on important people? I understand that Zhong Zizhen's hatred for me is natural and reasonable.

So he ran away. My consistent approach, just like when I was afraid to face Zhong Zizhen after Zhong Li's death, I was afraid that Zhong Zizhen would learn the truth, and now I have escaped again, Zhong Zizhen did not shoot me to death when we met, he is already very well-cultivated, has high morals, and has done his best to me, he is just a little defensive against me, this is normal, I am not a good person, this is very good. He really loves Zhong Lifu. I could have had them, but I killed them with my own hands and turned him into an enemy.

I thank him for his tolerance, and I am also bitter for his tolerance, and I can't wait to die immediately, so that Zhong Zizhen can eliminate the hatred in his heart and free himself.

But I've been wrong once. I can't be so selfish anymore.

How much I have enjoyed, fighting side by side, sharing food and water, resting back-to-back, ...... Even the three of them did not spare their lives, of course, their lives were taken by me in the end, I can't be so willful.

Even if it's a little bit, what can be done for them? Even if I never get forgiveness, Zhong Zizhen will never show me the same smile as before, and will no longer rub my hair with his big hand and whisper to me...... It is easy to come back from the dead, but it is difficult to reunite after breaking the mirror. I can't go back in time, I know it.

However, he is still cowardly.

The thought of confessing everything in front of Zhong Zizhen scared me...... I couldn't think of anything but crying. How nice it would be to be able to keep it a secret forever......

Hehe, my escape is really full of tricks and never stops. To this day, I still have delusions that I don't have to show my ugliest side, it's really despicable, very despicable. Despicable to the point where I want to vomit myself, I'm disgusting to myself.

But, I'm really sorry, I ...... I also love them, nothing else, these three people, aren't they worthy of my sincere love? In front of such them, I want to show my ugly and disgusting face like a caterpillar, and let them know how bad I am, what kind of things I have done, and I have to bear ...... I'm so sad I'm going to die.

Although, I don't even have the qualifications to be sad.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm like this again, always running away from something I'm afraid of. But let me escape this last time, I have never been able to understand, I can't understand Zhong Liwu's last look, now I feel a little understood, if Zhong Zizhen said that he would be happy if I died, I would not hesitate to die.

Something that didn't happen wasn't a mistake. I don't know if this excuse can I ask Zhong Zizhen to let me save the last bit of false beauty with Zhong Liwu and Du Yiming, forgive me for being hypocritical and disgusting for the last time, I know it will. Zhong Zizhen attaches great importance to Zhong Liwu, Zhong Liwu has not seen my true face until now, naturally I am 100% beautified in his heart, in order to take care of Zhong Liwu's emotions, I am afraid that he will cooperate with me.

Vile. Shameless.

Really]

Zhong Zizhen crouched on the desk, rubbing the corner of the notebook again, this is Josh's last diary, not so much a diary, but a summary before making up his mind, just like thinking about his daily training before the game to cheer himself up, or forcing himself to have to do something, as Josh himself said, he always likes to escape, so he will use this text to force himself to face reality.

The last two words were written in a hurry, and a line was drawn out of control. I can see that he didn't finish it, but he just ...... Zhong Zizhen remembered that on the last night before that mission, when he pushed the door in to inform Josh of his decision to go with him, Josh sat on the bed, raised his head, but his face was very pale and his mood was very wrong...... was gloomy in his heart, but at that time he was full of opinions about Josh, so naturally he didn't care at all, and Josh quickly adjusted.

It was also this episode that Zhong Zizhen guessed where Josh's diary was. It's unusual to not write on your desk, but to put it on your lap on your bed. When I first saw this diary, Zhong Zizhen thought, was it at this time that Josh wrote the last letter to him, plucked up the courage to confess, and imagined the end of a person leaving gloomily?

Unknown.

All the self-blame is here, and all the reluctance is also here, so that every time Zhong Zizhen looks at it, his heart aches again. Through the paper and words, he can feel Josh's pain, can easily make people cry, if he can find out earlier, can everything be different?

Josh's diary is not written every day, many times there is only one date, and after this one, even the date is gone, is it the ending that he thought of, which makes him feel that he has lost the mood of keeping a diary? When Zhong Zizhen first saw this diary, he was shocked to the extent of a shock, and he couldn't imagine how Josh was carrying everything and behaving like an ordinary person; And Josh, who is burdened with these, how painful it should be.

Seek someone who loves him. But it was only after killing with his own hands that he discovered this fact. That's desperate enough. What's even more hopeless is that now that this person has come back to life, he has hated you like an enemy.

Zhong Zizhen closed his eyes and felt all the movement in the space, but the space was as dejected as ever? No, no one will ...... after a million times Calmly accepted, let the thick disappointment fade away, but what was brewing in my heart became wider and longer.

No longer hoping for miracles, it has had to accept reality.

"Chief-chief."

There was a knock on the door, Zhong Zizhen closed the notebook, put it in a cabinet on the alloy table with a password fingerprint lock, turned the chair around, folded his hands to support his chin, returned to his usual calm and serious appearance, cleared his throat and said, "Come in." ”

The person at the door entered the house with a straight posture, "The people from the base of City B have arrived, and they are now in the security area 1 in front of the base. ”

Zhong Zizhen nodded, stood up with the table, and a cold light appeared in his eyes the moment he lowered his head, B City, very good, I believe Yiming will also be very interested. 166 Reading Network