On the way back to Nanjing from Shanghai, Jin Qiu and I didn't have any more communication, but my mood was as if I had been thrown on the turbulent waves, and I kept thinking back to my six years in Lao Jin. I still remember: when I joined the company on the first day, I was just a child with long hair, and now I am an adult and have my own outlook on life and values, so I have grown, but this growth and accumulation of time does not allow me to get rid of the fate of leaving, even if I was so looking forward to the return of Jinqiu a moment ago......

When I returned to Nanjing, it was already evening, Lao Jin and Luo Sumei were waiting at the door of the company early, they wanted to wash the dust for Jin Qiu, I took Jin Qiu's luggage out of the trunk, and then came to their family of three.

Lao Jin held a cane in one hand and patted me on the shoulder with the other and said, "Jiang Qiao, it's hard work today, come and go to dinner with us later, your boss lady has booked a place in Fumanlou in the morning." ”

I subconsciously looked at Jin Qiu beside me, she didn't have a trace of emotional fluctuations, and it seemed that the dismissal of me from the company was just a decision within her plan, and it was insignificant.

I finally forced a smile, and then said to Lao Jin: "You relatives and friends get together, I, an outsider, will not go." ”

Lao Jin said to me with a displeased face: "You kid has to talk about your conscience, who treats you as an outsider, ah?" …… Is it me, or is it your boss? ”

"You've all been nice to me...... I'm just kidding, but I really can't go tonight, and I have some personal things to do. ”

Jin Qiu, who had been talking to Luo Sumei, looked back at me, and turned to Lao Jin and said, "Dad, you let Jiang Qiao go, I think he needs a little space of his own now, let's go to dinner first, I will talk to you about the company in the evening, and I need your support for several decisions." ”

Lao Jin and Luo Sumei glanced at each other, both of them had doubts in their eyes, and I lowered my head and straightened my watch to hide the grief in my heart, but I am not an actor, and my limited acting skills can't hide that emotion at all, but I just make myself more uncomfortable.

Jin Qiu finally walked up to my side and whispered to me: "I'm sorry, Jiang Qiao, I don't want to do this either, it's the situation that is too pressing!" ”

I was a little distracted, a little dazed...... Jin Qiu seemed to sigh, and then walked to Lao Jin and Luo Sumei's side, leading them who were still in doubt to the company's business car.

I watched their departing backs, and finally lit a cigarette for myself, and then I wanted to cry in the familiar smell of tobacco, but I couldn't cry, and finally I just squeezed the cigarette in my hand, then closed my eyes and shook my head and smiled...... I don't want to see this somewhat cold world anymore, and the world doesn't care about the 6 years I have accumulated with my youth, I have been destined to be abandoned by this world since the moment I was born, and I gradually feel a little little unaware of the meaning of my existence......

……

After leaving the company, I didn't want to go anywhere, just bought a box of Nanjing cigarettes that Zhao Chu loved to smoke when he was alive, and a few cans of beer that could make us laugh and brag, and then before the evening came, I went to the place where Zhao Chu said goodbye to this world.

I pulled out some weeds in front of the tombstone, and then wiped the dust off the photo with my hands, until I saw Zhao Chu's still childish face, then lit a cigarette and gently placed it under the tombstone.

At this moment, I was finally liberated, leaned on the closest place to the photo, lit a cigarette, and said to Zhao Chu, who may not exist at all, with the simplest smile: "My favorite brother, you have been gone for almost 7 years, in these 7 years, I have seen through a lot of things, in fact, we all live in a somewhat illusory world, survival or death is a very impromptu and instantaneous thing, that's why you left so unprepared...... Do you know? In this world, I am really tired, so many times I think: if one day I also go to the world where you are, will I get a little compensation? …… If there is compensation, I want someone I can rely on, who will give me a cup of hot water when my heart is cold, and smile with me when I am lonely...... However, even if there is such a temptation in your world, I dare not go now, because I have not yet let my grandmother live a good life, and I know that she still wants to see my mother who has long since disappeared in her lifetime, and I especially want to see her...... So I have to live! …… But why can't the way of life be simpler? …… Why not? …… Zhao Chu, why can't you say it? ”

I used my flesh and blood hands to extinguish the smoke that was still burning, and in the pain of piercing my heart, I finally closed my eyes, and then cried uncontrollably next to Zhao Chu's tombstone...... If one day, she stands at the pinnacle of the business world in Jinqiu, will she remember that there is a person named Jiang Qiao, who once held a pen and carried a wooden ladder to survive countless nights, just to keep the hard-won industry for her fathers?

……

When the sunset began to set, I stood outside the empty cemetery, blowing a cool breeze at the end of autumn, and the sad mood was so little by little, and gradually the whole person fell into emptiness and dazedness, and I was accompanied only by the burning cigarette in my hand, which sincerely reminded me that time is still moving, and the night will make the world darker and darker, as for the city in the distance, there will still be bright lights, and in the red and green will derive an irresistible material temptation, and then let some people be happy in this temptation, Some people are forced to have no way out......

A moment later, the night fell inexorably, and I finally took out my phone from my pocket and sent a message to Chen Yi: "Where?" I want to see you. ”

"The station invited a few celebrities who participated in the recording of the show today, I am at the dinner, and I can't leave for a while, do you have something?"

"It's nothing, you're busy."

After sending this message, I turned off my mobile phone, if even Chen Yi can't accompany me in this world, then I can wear the most unbreakable shackles to isolate myself, anyway, the closest thing with me over the years is just loneliness, and the last thing I am afraid of is loneliness.

Back on the tulip road, which I was most familiar with, I threw my body into a restaurant full of alcohol and noise, I ordered the liquor beyond my own amount of alcohol, and then drank the sour and spicy cabbage, and soon I was drowsy in the mood of drunkenness, and then numbly watched the diners who had been with me leave one by one, and watched the world outside the restaurant become quieter and more unreal......

Once again, I lost my sense of presence, and like a robot, I threw my wallet to the proprietress who had been waiting for me to leave, and asked her to count out the drinks I was supposed to pay for herself.

The proprietress seemed to put some change into my purse, and then helped me to the opposite side of the road where I could return to the alley, and when she left, I lost my center of gravity and walked to a plane tree by holding on to the fence on the side of the road, and then vomited heartbreakingly, spit out the wine that I had borrowed to relieve my sorrows, spit out the bile that had been warm in **, and finally collapsed on the ground trembling......

Sweat trickled down my forehead and into my eyes, forcing me to close my eyes and stop looking at the world full of right and wrong, until her voice sounded softly in my ears: "Drink water and rinse your mouth." ”

I opened my eyes weakly, her white and slender hand was holding a bottle of mineral water that had been unscrewed, her body was close to me, I could even feel her breath, it was so warm, so fragrant, wrapped me gently.

I took the mineral water from her hand, raised my head and took a sip, and suddenly the cold water flowing down the neckline into my shirt made me feel a lot more sober, and I really wanted to believe that it was Chen Yi who was accompanying me at this moment......

I smiled at her, and smiled again.

She said to me with a cold face: "You can still laugh so inappropriately at this time!" ”

I gazed into her eyes, felt the faint tenderness, and finally replied in the courage brought by drunkenness: "How immodest a person can be, how affectionate he can be!" ”

Chen Yi avoided my gaze and said for a long time: "Don't talk nonsense, hurry up, I'll send you back to rest, you must have drunk this time!" ”

……

In the dimly lit alley, I gave Chen Yi too much weight, she took off her high heels, and walked barefoot on the bluestone paved path, but even so, she still walked very unsteadily, and kept trying to maintain the balance between me and her.

I said to her vaguely, "It's cold...... You hurry up and put your shoes on......"

"It's fine."

"Why don't you call Qiao Ye...... I can't drag you down like that......"

"What's the drag? …… Don't talk, it's still a little bit away. ”

I stopped her, refusing to take a step anyway, and at this time, we were in the closed "Mood Coffee Shop", but only a string of lights flickered above us......

Chen Yi took this opportunity to catch his breath, and only after a moment did he ask me, "Why are you drinking so much today?" ”

I stared into her eyes again, I felt a sense of security that I particularly needed, wrapped in this sense of security, I was afraid of the rights and wrongs of this world from the bottom of my heart, I wanted to get close to her, and then forgot everything that Jin Qiu said to me today, and forgot all the grievances and loneliness that I had harvested in the sweat in the past 6 years.

Her breath put me on the verge of losing control, the residual alcohol in my body tore open the window of the deepest part of my soul, I hugged her tightly in my arms, my hands passed through the protection of the clothes, and the skin behind her was in intimate contact, in an instant, the warmth in her body melted my cowardice for more than ten years, I cried and said in her ear: "Chen Yi...... Over the years, I've worked so hard all these years, so hard that I have no freedom, no life, and no love...... But that doesn't mean I won't love, I don't have love! …… So I must have loved someone, and this person, and this person...... It's you who have been with me day and night for more than ten years...... I don't want to continue to play so hard, I want to love you, love bravely once, even if it's only one second now, and die the next second, there are no regrets! ”

Her breathing became more and more rapid, my body throbbed more and more, and I hugged her tightly like uncontrollably, kissed her lips deeply, and frantically demanded the feeling and love that I longed for in the deepest part of my heart......