Of course, Wang Jian knows what love is. 、

He didn't know either.

"You shouldn't be in love with me, at least not necessarily, it's just a little effect, after all, I'm in such a special situation. ”

On the other hand, it may be people's self-interest psychology at work. Today, in a society based on market principles, people are reduced to tradable commodities. Human happiness lies in "getting pleasure", that is, from the consumption of goods and "buying" to be satisfied, this world is a huge object for our desires, a huge apple, a huge wine bottle, a huge **. We are people who eat, drink, suck, people who are always full of hope and hope, and people who are always disappointed and insatiable. Our character is suitable for exchanging, receiving, buying and selling, and consuming. Everything, whether spiritual or material, becomes an object of exchange and consumption. Naturally, love has become an invisible self-interested transaction, and it is natural to hate because you can't get the love of the other person. It may seem to everyone (including myself) that this kind of mature love is very noble and difficult to have, and some people will think that this is an idealist's foolish dream and that it is an act of God, not a manifestation of selfishness, based on the reality of the world of people deceiving each other and taking advantage of each other. But I think we can move closer and closer to the religiously sacred love with an attitude of "even though it is very difficult to reach, but the heart yearns for it." People can actually be better.

In fact, arranged marriages have advantages.

Two people, not clones, must have differences and habits.

From eating leeks or not to drinking or drinking, what type of fart is to be considered.

If it's an arranged marriage, you just have to complain about what kind of mother-in-law and stinky man your parents have chosen for you. 、

But if it's "free love", who else can you blame.

Blame yourself.

There was once a movie about a poor boy who met a rich girl on a boat, and fell in love at first sight with firewood and cuckolded the rich child.

In the story, the ending of poor dick being drowned is actually so perfect that it explodes.

If there had been no shipwreck at that time, then letting the poor boy elope with the rich girl would have ended badly and terrible.

In the end, it must be the end of a poor boy and a rich girl who have a bad life, fight at two ends for three days, can't eat, drink and cry.

Wang Jian is full of optimism and vigilance about love, and the most important thing is that you need to continue to invest in management.

Equality is one of the important factors in maintaining a romantic relationship: Equality is one of the important conditions for maintaining an intimate relationship, according to the theory of fairness, people are most satisfied with intimate relationships under the premise of proportionality and justice, that is, when the effort should be proportional to the benefit. In love and marriage, long-term fairness is more important, and most happy couples will not care about how much they pay and how much they gain, but pursue a kind of general equality, that is, how much to pay and how much to bring. For example, in family life, the uneven distribution of housework can easily lead to a sense of inequality between husband and wife, so this fairness is reflected in the fact that people who work more have more say, and if one of the spouses does nothing at home and has to point fingers at the other, then the relationship is more likely to have problems.

Another factor that determines whether people are satisfied with intimacy or not is the way people interpret events. Happy couples often attribute their good behavior to the other person's internal causes and their bad behavior to the situation, while unhappy couples often attribute their good behavior to good behavior and their bad behavior to their personality traits. These two types of attribution are related to both the personality traits of the individual and the way the couple communicates, and the question of how to communicate will be discussed in detail below.

A negative emotional response that an individual produces when a vital relationship related to an individual's self-concept is threatened by a real or imagined one. It covers a wide range of issues, including feelings about another person's status, work, hobbies, girlfriend or boyfriend, and even dressing up. In intimate relationships, jealousy is, on the one hand, a sign of the health of romantic love, and it actually reflects the individual's dependence on this relationship. On the other hand, jealousy also often triggers negative emotions and behaviors, and when these negative emotions accumulate, it can sometimes be a terrible thing and in many cases damage the relationship. Due to space limitations, I will not discuss it in detail here. Communication: In addition to tension, negative attribution tendencies, and jealousy caused by inequality, a major cause of problems in intimate relationships is a lack of communication (or not knowing how to receive information, convey opinions, negotiate discussions, etc.).

Relationships that are going to break down often contain a lot of complaints, ignoring the other person's care, being unable or unwilling to express negative emotions to the other person, that is, being too lazy to communicate with the other person. Both parties also tend to fall into a circle of negative interactions, where the positive behaviors of both parties are ignored and the negative behaviors are exaggerated. Happy couples often also understand each other's points of view through arguments with each other, but more often in a constructive, empathetic way, a state of mind that psychologists call opinion taking, an attempt to understand what others think and feel about an object, which is extremely important for maintaining the health of a relationship. It is because of these arguments that the husband and wife get to know each other better, and the relationship will be more durable. Now, let's talk about how to communicate effectively, and my personal opinion: quite a lot of relationships end because of poor communication. Let's start with the basics of a relationship, and while there are many ways to develop intimacy with others, self-disclosure is undoubtedly the most common and effective method.

Self-disclosure is when an individual tells others information about himself or herself, and shares his or her inner feelings and information with others. In the opinion of many psychologists, whether a person has proper self-disclosure is an important indicator of their personality health. Research has shown that if a person lacks self-disclosure in his interactions with others, he will have difficulty making meaningful connections with others and will feel more lonely. Relationships involve continuous, interactive self-disclosure, and often enjoyable self-disclosure, and generally speaking, the more partners reveal themselves to each other, the happier they tend to be. However, as the relationship stabilizes and the passion fades, it may not always lead to positive results when we speak our hearts and make an effort to communicate with our partner. We often don't realize that there is a gap in the hearts of those who listen to our nagging. But we are still communicating, but the efficiency is relatively low, and the effect is not very good. It's much better than those partners who don't say a word, and maybe with a change in the way we express it, the situation will be completely different.

The cause of these problems is poor communication.

First, unhappy partners behave poorly at precise formulations. If they complain about something, they are seldom accurate, and instead, they tend to count their wishes, i.e., talk about several issues at the same time (to the point of talking about many issues but forgetting what they just complained about).

This often drowns out the many frustrations that they are most concerned about at the same time.

For example, if you are annoyed that your partner has to go to the business office for late payment of the electricity bill, they may say, "It's not just because you're careless, it's just that you're playing with your friends and dogs, and they never pay attention to things at home." Their conversation often goes off topic, moving from one issue to another, so that the conversation never lasts long enough on another issue: "You never do what I say, you are as stubborn as your mother, you are always on her side." ”

In this way, a long list of issues of concern is dragged back and forth, and the result is that none of them can be solved. Second, unhappy partners also behave badly at listening to each other. They rarely have the patience to think carefully about what their partner has to say, but instead jump to conclusions and change their approach abruptly based on their guessed partner's intentions. One of the manifestations of this is mind reading, which is the assumption that you can understand your partner's thoughts, emotions, and opinions without asking. All intimate partners exhibit some degree of "mind reading", but unhappy partners do so in a critical and malicious way, with neutral or positive motives often interpreted by them as ill-intentioned: "You say this to make me angry, because you took revenge on me for the events of that day". In addition, unhappy couples interrupt each other's conversations in a negative way more often than happy couples. Not all interruptions are offensive, and interrupting the partner in order to show approval or ask for an explanation can actually be enjoyable and effective. But if you interrupt the conversation to disagree or change the subject, you may not be respectful of your partner. An unhappy partner can always find a flaw or infeasibility in any words the other person has said, and it constantly conveys criticism of other people's opinions: "Yes, we can try, but it doesn't work because ......". Unhappy partners also complain in reverse, avoiding topics of concern and responding to their partner's complaints with only their own complaints, rather than paying attention to what their partner says: "I hate that you put the dishes in the sink and don't wash them", "Hmph, I hate you throwing your clothes on the floor". Finally, unhappy partners often show negativity when talking. They often respond sarcastically to their partner's complaints, belittling and despising their partner's personality. This does not help, but only exacerbates the problem. This type of destructive interaction usually begins with criticism that attacks the partner's personality and character rather than the specific behavior that causes the complaint. For example, instead of discussing a particular frustrating incident ("You made me angry when you threw a used wet towel on the floor"), instead blaming the other person for a character flaw, such criticism will only exacerbate the conflict in the partner's relationship ("You're a bad person!"). Destructive interactions also include contempt, which often takes the form of insults, ridicule, and hostile humor, to which the partner is usually defensive: finding excuses or complaining in the opposite direction, and violently launching a "counter-attack" to protect himself from "unreasonable aggression". Next, the partner may refuse to answer the question or build a stone wall, especially the man, who will refuse to speak and retreat into a stone-hard silence when faced with a mess. Stone walls generally convey "opposition, cold distance, complacency" rather than a moderate amount of acknowledgment and attention to a partner's complaints. Eventually, a devastating state of engagement may ensue, with one partner aggressively rejecting the other altogether ("So what? What the hell do you want to do?"). When communication regresses to this state of contention, the prospects of the love relationship are in jeopardy.

There is a very strange phenomenon: the more familiar you are with a person, the more you will hurt him. However, for passers-by who do not know each other, once there is a conflict with others, it is easier to behave in line with social expectations, and they are very polite. For example, on the subway, you step on someone else's foot and quickly say sorry.

The more polite we are to people we don't know, and the more polite we are to people we like, but we become not polite at all. The two of them were in a hurry, quarreled while talking, and then they hurt each other, and the relationship took a sharp turn for the worse. Why do two parties who have a good impression of each other, formal lovers, still "behave" like this? Is it to test love?

Dealing with contradictions in this way can easily drown out anger in communication. Once reason gives way to anger, no matter how high your level of education is, how cultivated and high-quality you usually are, you can't expect to solve problems efficiently and calmly.

Two people are separate individuals. No one is perfect, and no gold is barefoot. Everyone has shortcomings, be tolerant of the shortcomings of your other half, don't be too each other, be tolerant, and accept each other's shortcomings. Some principled shortcomings can not be tolerated, such as cheating, such as unfilial piety, such as pornography, gambling, drugs, of course, this varies from person to person, don't want to change the other party, shape the other party into what you imagined, accept the other party's current appearance, current character, and all the smart other half will use encouragement and praise to guide the other party to gradually become what you imagined, rather than in a forced way, what you have to do and how to do it.

"Love burnout period" refers to the fact that after a period of time between men and women, because both parties are too familiar with each other's appearance, nature and living habits, they cannot tolerate each other's shortcomings and imperfections, and will have aesthetic fatigue or tiredness. This is also known as dopamine retreat, feeling that the other person has lost his original attraction to him. In fact, to put it bluntly, the novelty has passed.