1. A robber got on the bus and shouted; "Robbery!" The eldest sister next to her raised her foot and kicked, the robber rolled out of the car, and the robber was furious: "Who is the bandit?" Eldest sister: "I hate it when people call me eldest sister the most, and I will beat me once I call my eldest sister." Pen | fun | pavilion www. ｂｉｑｕｇｅ。 info "Robbers poured.

2. There are many interesting things on the bus, and I squeeze into the bus at work today; An old lady sat in front of me, and I don't know why she always looked at me; I looked left and right, and I saw it up and down, and there were many holes in jeans; I just bought it yesterday and it was very fashionable, why can't the old lady see it? Hey, the generation gap! Auntie, it's not that you forgot to make up, it's fashion don't laugh at me. Hehe!

3. The air-conditioned buses with credit cards are always crowded. The bus keeps going and stopping. Someone squeezed next to the front punch card machine, standing unsteadily, all the way forward and backward, and then the people on the bus would hear the sound of "drop" from time to time. Later, the driver probably couldn't help it, and said, "Hey, miss, your bus card has been played several times, take your bag a little better, otherwise your bus card may not have much money." ”

4. One day, an old lady hurriedly got on a 250 bus and asked the driver: "May I ask if this bus is in my village?" Driver: "250 is to the city and not to the countryside." Old lady: "You're only 250." ”

5. That year, the popular baby doll shirt, bought a piece on Gaodi Street and put on a happy one to take the bus, as soon as I got on the bus, an aunt got up to give up her seat, and thought that the aunt was going to get off, so I sat down with peace of mind, and when the car drove up, I found that the aunt was still standing on the bus and looked at me with strange eyes, and I wondered, why did she give up her seat if she didn't get off. It took a long time to realize that my aunt had treated me as a pregnant woman that day, alas, it was all the babydoll shirt that caused trouble, and I will never wear it again.

6. Everyone who takes the bus is an angel with folded wings in his last life, and you can't afford to hurt the person who will give you a seat, so you can marry if you meet such a person. Cherish every ta, girl, do you remember the old lady who wanted to get off the bus but thought that giving up your seat made you want to cry without tears and sat for three more stops in a row~~

7. On the bus, a pair of middle-aged men and women sat opposite, always holding hands, and kept saying sweet words, which made me look at it called envy, jealousy and hatred. After getting out of the car, I said to my husband: You see that people are so old and so sweet, we have only been married for a few years, so you don't pay much attention to me, let alone hold hands and say what I want to hear, I envy them! My husband said: What do you envy? Don't you see that they're not family?!

8. A colleague drove the company's supercar to show off to us, and another colleague said disdainfully, what are you proud of, don't you just drive a bus, I asked how it is a bus, and my colleague said that it was the (car) that the company (handed over) to him.

9, 510 bus and 504 bus rear-ended, the traffic police dealt with the scene with emotion, one said 510 (I bite you), but the other said 504 (I would rather die), such two cars on the road can not have an accident.

10. The law of taking the bus: the more anxious you wait for the whole way, the more you want to take the road is always the most crowded, the farther you go, there is always no seat on the road, and the more you forget to bring the card, there is always no change.

11. The bus is about to arrive at a certain platform, and suddenly turns off, and the driver greets: "Everyone get off the bus and help push a car". After getting out of the car, everyone scattered as birds and beasts. The driver looked up and saw that the terminal had arrived...

12. Once squeezing the bus, suddenly a sudden brake, someone stumbled and stepped on me, the man smiled bitterly and said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." It didn't take long for a brake to be taken, and I stepped on him by inertia, and I smiled awkwardly and said, "It's still a good courtesy." ”

13, that day I took the bus to work, and found a girl, very similar to my junior high school crush, the more I looked at the side face, the more I looked like it, so I tried to get as close as possible, but I couldn't look too seriously, and suddenly the girl turned her head and threw a smile at herself. Be?! At this time, the aunt next to her whispered: "Hey, little comrade, why can you wear a T-shirt backwards?" ”“。。。。”

14. Bus travel is really boring, buddies are looking for fun on the way, seeing a beautiful woman sleepy, throwing a coin and asking, who dropped something? The beauty disdains her buddy, but she is willing to bend over, pick up the coin and continue to sleep! And threw down the next sentence: continue, continue......

15. There was a young man sitting on the bus seat for the elderly, weak, sick, disabled and pregnant, ignoring the old man standing next to him, and a primary school student said to his classmates, and he didn't see anything wrong with him, why didn't he give up his seat, and the classmate replied, uh, maybe it's brain-dead.

16. Someone is often stolen in a car, and he has a plan in mind every day; The envelope was full of thick paper, and sure enough, it was stolen again when he got into the car; secretly rejoiced in the success of the plan, and imagined that he must be angry with the thief; Shortly after getting in the car the next day, there was an awkward thing on his waist; I took out the envelope that I saw was myself, and it said: Please don't make such jokes and affect our normal work, thank you!

17. Once get up early to squeeze the bus, several cars are full in a row, and finally when there is still half an hour before 9 o'clock, I finally squeeze into the car, take the last bus, and think that this is good, save 30 yuan, just after thinking about it, the car is out of condition. I had no choice but to take a taxi to the company. The last 30 yuan was not saved, and it was counted as late. Sad...

18. Once on the bus, I met a mother and daughter, and the daughter asked her mother and said: Mom, why does the young uncle in front of him want to compete for a seat with the old woman, the book doesn't say that he should take the initiative to give way to the old woman, and then the mother came to a thunderous word: I guess, the uncle wants to stick with the chair, and then become a chair himself! Daughter: I think so, no wonder that uncle looks so much like a chair!

19, the bus is a lot of interesting things, listen to me one, a day by bus, just after the rain, the bus is going to start, a mm roadside, the car moves, splashes a lump of water, mm clothes are dirty, the driver is busy apologizing, mm is not evil, "brother, the clothes are good-looking!" ”

20. One day on the bus, I met a brother, got on the bus and swiped the card, sat on the old man's seat, and an old man came up from the next station, my brother didn't move the nest at all, and went up mm, and shouted softly, my brother hurriedly stood up, "Sit here, sit here, I'll get off immediately." mm stood aside, helped the old man and sat down.

21, an interesting anecdote about Beijing bus, a foreigner came up; Holding 50 yuan in his hand, the driver dangled in front of him and asked, "Have you seen it?" Have you seen it? "The driver heard ridiculous and took out 100 yuan to fight; The outsiders were so anxious that their eyes were red, and they continued to shout, "Have you seen it?" Later, the driver understood: the outsiders wanted to inquire about "Jianguomen".

22, a beautiful woman came to take the bus, so unhygienic to talk about it; Take out a tissue to wipe the seat, and wipe it on the left and wipe it again, which is really good; I was just about to come to my seat, and suddenly I farted and let out one; The man next to him couldn't see it, the young lady was really hygienic, and she could only sit after wiping it and blowing it; The beauty blushed suddenly, and the passengers also pointed and said.

23. A peasant woman carried a box of chickens into the city to sell, and when she got on the bus, the driver did not let her go, saying that domestic animals and pets were not allowed to get on the bus, and the peasant woman said vigorously: I am a chicken, not a domestic animal and a pet. The driver explained helplessly that the peasant woman was just going to get on the bus, and then the conductor stepped forward and said: "It's okay to get on the bus, give each chick a ticket, one yuan each." The peasant woman looked at the whole frame of chickens, and then at the conductor, and then stopped getting on the bus.

24. I went to college and went to the field, I don't know much about how to brush the local IC card, once I went out with my classmates, got into the car and then swiped it very calmly, my classmates also brushed it on the car, and when I sat down to see people brushing it, it would ring, only to find that we didn't brush it up at all......

25. On the bus, a pickpocket saw a man's trouser pocket bulging, thinking that he was carrying money, so he reached out to steal it, and was found by the man and grabbed his hand: "Friend, the car has not arrived yet, are you so anxious to ask for toilet paper?" Say, I'll give it all to you. After the man finished speaking, he took out a stack of toilet paper from his trouser pocket and stuffed it into the pickpocket's hand. The pickpocket looked embarrassed and only took the toilet paper: "Thank you!" ”

26. On the bus, a woman got up from her seat to get something in her luggage bag, and a man standing next to her thought she was about to arrive at the station, so she sat on her original seat, and the woman came back to see and said: "It's not urgent to lay eggs, and the nest is very fast", the man stood up with a red face and said: "I'm sorry, I'm delaying you to lay eggs."

27, \"Once on the bus, a ceremonial beauty did not bring change and invested 10 yuan, the driver asked her at the door to call other passengers to give her money, she politely said: "Hello, please give me your coins." A buddy was stunned, shook his senses, and gave her all the coins on his body.......\"

28. Yesterday on the bus, the driver was probably a novice, as soon as he saw the red light or the car in front of him slowed down, he braked sharply, the passengers complained, and the driver replied violently, this is an instinctive reaction to know no, the bullet in front of him, don't you dodge.

29. I am left-handed, I take the bus to buy groceries one day, and I feel that someone is picking my pocket in my drowsiness. I grabbed him and pointed to my left pocket and said, "Brother, you've picked the wrong pocket."

30, a beautiful woman holding a hydrogen balloon on the bus, the space is small, a sudden brake, the balloon is squeezed in the chest of the beauty, the beauty is very embarrassed, a voice floats next to it, and the two balls collide softly.

31. When the bus was waiting for the red light, a man suddenly shouted: "Driver, open the door, I want to get off." "Is this a stop sign?" The driver said angrily. "Just because this is not a stop sign, I'm going to tell you." The driver was speechless.

32. One day on the bus, an old lady suddenly touched the gold necklace around her neck and disappeared, so she said, "Someone actually stole the fake one", and the thief heard that he was depressed and secretly stuffed the necklace to the old lady······

33. An outsider took a 50 yuan ticket and dangled it in front of the conductor: Have you seen it? Have you seen it? …… The ticket seller was stupid, so he simply took out a 100 show and said: Have you seen it? In the end, I figured out that the person wanted to go to "Jianguomen!"

34, \"One day, I suddenly heard a woman's scolding on the bus, and I listened carefully, it turned out that the mobile phone was stolen, I thought she would scold for a while, but I didn't expect the scolding words to become more and more ugly, and the seven aunts and eight aunts who stole his mobile phone greeted the eighteenth generation of the ancestors together, and everyone else in the car frowned, at this time, the car arrived at the station and opened the door, and a man (presumably a thief) got off the bus and took out a mobile phone and threw it at the woman, saying: The mobile phone is too ruthless for you~!\"

35. I once fainted when I mentioned the bus, I vomited as soon as I got on the bus, and the grandfather gave me a seat as soon as I vomited, and I fainted as soon as I sat down, and I was alive again when I got off the bus all the way. Now I am calm when I mention the bus, I am calm when I get on the bus, and I am calm when I get off the bus, which makes me feel like I am alive all the time.

36. \"Once the bus was stuck in traffic, a passenger next to me was on the phone, and his friend called him and asked: Where is it? He said: On the bus. Friend: How long will it take, he said: Wait a minute, before he finished speaking, his friend said yes and hung up the phone! At this time, the passenger was asking the driver when he would be able to move forward normally! \"1, a very fat woman on the bus, can't find a seat, can only pull the car on the ring, but the driver brakes suddenly, the fat woman pulled the ring off, and suddenly pounced in front of the driver, the driver looked at her and the ring in her hand, and said angrily: "Collect three, send the driver a signed photo!" ”

2. There is a beautiful lady, after getting on the bus, she took out a tissue from her bag and wiped the seat vigorously, and when she was about to sit down, she let out a fart, and a gentleman next to her heard it and said jokingly: Miss really loves hygiene, wiped it for so long, and has to blow it!

3. A friend has a lot of trouble, that day to talk about one, there is a second bus, a long time without one, finally come to one, far away on the car, near the stop, the driver probe said, "This is a private car!" ”

4. One day, the bus drove to a stop sign, it rained rainably, a young woman had nowhere to hide from the rain, panicked, followed others on the bus, sat down and said to herself: This rain is wet. The driver asked: Where to go? The young woman was not yet freed from the embarrassment of the rain, and said casually: Come to my house, don't let me get wet anymore......

5. One day, a man on the bus fell asleep, and before waking up to meet him, an old man was standing, and quickly got up to give up his seat, and the old man shouted "No, no", but the man still forcibly pressed the old man on the seat to prevent him from getting up, this is the car drove off the platform, and the old man scolded, "What are you doing, I want to get off." ”

6. One day, when I got in the car and wanted to travel, there was an empty seat of beauties, and a girl sat in a hurry, happy with the lucky star in her heart. I heard a girl whisper, "two-sided attack" wants to be hollow, the girl heard it and quickly got up, let me be a chicken.

7. I am very happy to wait for the bus through the autumn water, because I am the first to get on the bus in line, and there are many miles behind. So I rushed into the car as light as a swallow and scanned it, hey, there's an empty seat and no one! Three steps to two steps, step forward and sit down. I just wanted to enjoy the comfort of sitting, but suddenly I felt that my buttocks were cold, damn, whose Coke fell on the seat!

8. The size and color of the marriage certificate and the bus free certificate are about the same, a lady often takes the marriage certificate as a free certificate, once after showing it to the driver, she accidentally fell to the ground, and was seen positively. The lady had to be embarrassed to put in the coin.

9. One day I took the bus home, and an uncle came up on the way; I thought to myself that we had to learn from Comrade Lei Feng, so I immediately got up and gave up my seat. I saw the old man smiling at me, and I thought to myself that I might want to say "thank you"! But guess what this uncle said? He said: Don't be afraid, young man, I'm not a bad person!

10. One day, on the bus, a woman came up, dressed a little revealingly, which attracted the attention of many men. At this time, a young man squeezed over and took one more look. Woman: "Look, haven't you seen a woman?" The boy said, "I'm sorry, but I was stepped on by you, and I can only look down." Girl: "Hooligans! Young man: "When a scoundrel is not a scoundrel in front of you, it looks like a sack piece, and there is no anti-front." ”

11. One day as a bus, when I arrived at an intersection, the driver suddenly braked suddenly. He turned around and said, "My new driver, which direction should I go?" The crowd was stunned.

12. While the bus was waiting for the red light, a man shouted: "Driver, open the door, I want to get off." Is this a stop sign? The driver said angrily. Just because it's not a stop sign, I'm going to tell you - the driver is speechless.

13. A gentleman often drops his wallet on the bus, and one day before getting on the bus, a gentleman folds a thick stack of paper and puts it into an envelope, and finds that the envelope has been stolen after getting off the bus. The next day, not long after a certain gentleman got in the car, he felt that there was a hard object on his waist, and when he touched it, it was the envelope from yesterday, and the envelope read: Please don't make such jokes, it will affect normal work, thank you!

14. Bus Adventure 1: When I took the bus back to school in my sophomore year, and when I was a few stops away from the school, the bus driver had an argument with the driver of a private car. Both of them were very fierce, and when they got on the bus, the bus driver immediately picked up an iron rod, and they hit the front door all the way to the back door. There were few people in the car at that time, and they were all young girls, so we were scared to step back. After a while, the driver was subdued, and we took the opportunity to escape from the car...... I don't know what happened after that, and I didn't see the driver again when I got in the car again.

15. On the bus, a young man gave up his seat to an old aunt who had just gotten on the bus, and the aunt happily chatted with the guy. Aunt asked: How old is the child? Guy: It's 25! Auntie: You look so young, you look like you're in your 30s, and your children are 25!

16, \"Once, the bus was about to leave, a woman with heavy makeup was chasing after her, master, master, don't go, wait for me, and then the bus master suddenly said, I am in a hurry to reincarnate, the female goblin quickly dodged away, don't miss the good day of returning home! Then I drove the car and ran forward! \"

17. Catch the bus in the morning, and when you get to the platform, the car has already started. So I had to chase and shout: "Master, wait for me!" Master, wait for me! At this time, a passenger poked his head out of the window and said to me, "Bajie, don't chase you." ”

18. One day on the bus, there was a couple sitting in the last row of the bus, and a child said to his mother, "Mom, you hold me" Mom "It's such a hot day, how hot it is to hug, and besides, you are too old, you don't need to hug it." The child pointed to the couple behind him and said, "You see, that aunt is so old, and she still lets her uncle hug her." ”

19. Bus adventure two: I took the bus when I was in college, it was the beginning of the school season, and the bus from home to school had to pass the train station, I thought that there should be a lot of people there, but I didn't expect that when I passed the train station, there was only a driver left on the bus except me...... That car is a good ride...... A few stops later, we caught up with the bus in front of us, and it was full of people...... Through the window, I seemed to see the remorseful eyes of the people in the car - why didn't they wait for another car!!

20. One day, I was taking the bus, and I suddenly heard the sound of "bump", I didn't know what the sound was, and suddenly I saw a man, looking left and right; Oh, I see, it turned out to be a fart he put out.

21. A boxing sparring partner was hospitalized with multiple fractures during training, and a patient with a more serious fracture lived next to him, and the sparring partner said sympathetically, your athlete is a boxing champion, and the patient said, what is it, I am squeezing the bus.

22, one day on the bus, a beautiful woman took a cup of pure milk on the bus, there were a lot of people on the bus, everyone was squeezed around, when sitting and sitting, the beauty saw a man pointing at her and said, "milk, milk, milk" The beauty said a word "perverted" with contempt, who knew that just moved, the milk was poured out, and you heard the man also said two words "poured".

23. One morning I took the bus, the weather was a little cold, I had a cold, standing next to a person, he was making up for sleep, I suddenly sneezed and hit him in the face, he rubbed his eyes, and said to himself why it was raining, and I twisted my head away in embarrassment.

24. One day on the bus, a man smiled at a sexy mm-colored Mimi: "It's really spring and the garden can't be closed!" mm reached out and gave it a loud slap: "A slap to you!" ”

25. One morning when I went to work and squeezed the bus, the sound of IC card swiping kept ringing on the way. It turned out that a brother's IC card happened to rely on the credit card machine, because the car was crowded, the road was congested, the bus was stop-and-go, and the two had a close contact every time they braked. Spend the cost of a taxi to take a bus, a cow man.

26. Once I was taking the bus with my classmates, a middle-aged man gave up a seat to my classmates, and my classmates politely said, "Thank you!" The man suddenly shouted, "I'll let you sit and slap me!" We were speechless on the spot.

27. When beckoning to stop the small public operation, passing by an intersection, a young man wanted to get on the bus, but the attendant was afraid of being deducted points by the police, so he yelled at him to run with the car and then get into the car. When the young man got on the bus and asked the destination, the whole car burst into laughter, so he sat for one stop and ran for half a stop.

28, bus adventure three: one day after work rush hour on the bus, the bus is very crowded, to a stop, suddenly someone said, "Don't move!" Don't move! We are the police! "I turned my head and saw two thieves caught two in plain clothes, a man and a woman, and the male thief was right behind me! The first time I saw a real police officer catching a thief!! The image of the police officer suddenly became taller in my mind. The whole bus also praised the police, but everyone seems to have forgotten to applaud the police, so let's make up for it here. Addendum: Real cops are not as handsome and domineering as they are on TV. It's a very ordinary person, and you won't look at it all when you walk on the street. An eldest lady said: "Look at the child's (male thief) Desven, why did you do this, it's a pity." "That thief is good-looking, much better looking than the policeman who arrested him, this is "knowing people and knowing faces, but not knowing hearts".

29. Take out your mobile phone to watch jokes when you take the bus. Seeing a funny one, the whole person who laughed was pumped. As a result, the uncle next to him said to the others, "Oh, look at that little girl's convulsions, hurry up and help her." "That's embarrassing.

30. One day, someone took the bus, waited for a long time to come, and asked the conductor when he would arrive at the terminal after getting on the bus, and the conductor said he didn't know, the person was very depressed, and blurted out: "Oh my god, the conductor is a copycat?" The people in the car laughed, and when they reached the intersection, the driver asked the passengers, "Do you know how to go?" This person said: "Mom, even the driver is a parallel import", and the audience burst into laughter! When I got out of the car, I looked, oh my God, the car is also a high imitation! In the end, I learned that the workers went on strike and temporarily added extra shifts!

31. A mother on the bus teaches her child to read words, and there is a word "down" in it, and the child's voice is very high, "Down!" Under! Under! When the driver heard it, he said: "I can't get down, I haven't arrived at the stop sign yet!" After a while, the child will read the phrase in the book again: "Get off!" Get out! Get out! The driver was angry, "I won't stop shouting the next stop sign"! Everyone laughed, and the driver didn't know what to do!

32. On the way to a bus, many people squeezed up from the back door, the door couldn't be closed, and no one threw money, the driver was really angry at the time, and shouted loudly, if you don't invest money, you will roll down for me, if you don't go down, I will roll you down! Everyone laughed at the time!

33. When I was taking the bus, an old lady with a small child came halfway and hurriedly got up to give up her seat. The old lady smiled and said thank you. Then he said, "Come, I'll take the bag for you." I hurriedly shook my hand: "No, no, no." At this time, the child next to the old lady handed over the schoolbag...

34. The bus stops at a certain stop, and the driver opens the door. A certain person waiting for the train asked, "Do you want to get to station A?" The driver said angrily, "No." "Close the door. The man asked, "Are you going to station B?" The driver hurriedly opened the door and said, "It's here." The man glanced at the driver and turned away.

35. A female college graduate went to work in a medium-sized state-owned enterprise. One day, when I was at work, I met a man on the bus and accosted him, mistaking it for a stranger pretending to be familiar, so he scolded him without hesitation. Who knew that the two got off at the same station and walked into the same factory, which was really home.

36. One day when he went to school and took the bus, a pervert took advantage of the crowd to touch the beauty, and the beauty shouted: "If you touch me again, call the police!" The other person who was scared panicked and stumbled, and guess what, there was also a thief who was touching someone's wallet.

37. On the bus, in order to avoid the light, the man held his mobile phone to the window to read the novel in the mobile phone, and the woman sitting by the window was very unhappy. 'Man'............'

38. An aunt waited for the bus with her daughter, but the car started before she reacted, so she jumped on the bus in a panic. But she didn't immediately find a seat when she got into the car, but kept tapping at the door, and the passengers in the car didn't know what was going on. Looking at the changing scenery outside the car window, the aunt sighed and said, "My daughter hasn't gotten in the car yet!" ”

39. Once I sat in the middle of the bus, and an old lady came halfway through. Immediately stood up to give up his seat to the old man, and the old man said with a smile: "Thank you, you can sit, there are many empty seats in the back." "When I turned my head, the seats behind me were all empty. 1. A young man saw a beautiful woman's breasts and clothes on the bus, and the spring light leaked out, so he joked to the beauty; "It's really a place where peach blossoms bloom," the beauty lifted her skirt and pointed underneath and said, "There is still a place to give birth to you and raise you"!

2. The leader of a unit said that "the reason why we can't do it well is; One is that there is no one on the widow's sleep! The second is

The adulteress sleeps on the old changer, the third is to sleep with the wife, and her own people do her own people!

3. Ni Ping was a guest in a hotel, and a plate of bullwhip tasted very good, and asked; What is it? Feng Gong said, there is it on the herd, the cow said, Feng Gong also has it, Ni asked? Do I have it on me? , the two said in unison, sometimes you have it, sometimes you don't!

4. The beauty went up the mountain to hunt, and there was no paper when she was relieved, so she reached out and picked a leaf to wipe it, the leaf had thorns, and it stung, and the beauty said unhappily, it you eat meat every day at home, and you will be uncomfortable eating back the side dishes today!

5. Say that a pair of men and women **, the man climbs on the woman and does not move, and says flatteringly; Now that I'm connected, the woman is dissatisfied, the man attacks violently, and the woman shouts that I don't want to connect, I want to move, I want to move!

6. Two teachers got married, and they were both second marriages, and after entering the cave room, the woman came out of a couplet; The night attack on Pearl Harbor was a shocking man; Two atomic bombs were dropped on Japan and Germany. Horizontal batch is World War II!

7. The gangster entered the house and saw a young woman asleep in briefs, the gangster had evil thoughts in his heart, and the young woman resisted, and the husband suddenly came back to see that his wife was pressed by the gangsters, so he picked up a shovel behind the door and slapped the gangster's fart drum twice! The wife said unhappily; I resisted for a long time without success, and was slapped into it by your two shovels. (Flashpoint Love Talk Network)

8, the two of them sat in the yarn hair to watch a star dance ballet, the husband said that the dancing woman was so beautiful, and the husband then said; Wife, can you go ballet too? My wife was so happy to hear it, and my husband praised me for being beautiful, otherwise how could I go to ballet! My wife asked me how I could dance ballet? My husband said; Ballet dancers have flat breasts! My wife fainted when she heard this.

9. The father took his son to take a bath, the floor was very slippery, and the son was about to fall, so the son cleverly grabbed his father's cock and didn't fall down. Father said; Okay, Lao Tzu is here today, if your mommy is here today, you won't be blamed if you don't fall to death! 1. Our math teacher seems to be very pitiful. Once, when a boy was late, the teacher asked him to do 100 push-ups, and after a while, a girl was also late, but the teacher said, "Just punished him for doing 100 push-ups, you go and count them."

2. Husband: Is this wool strong? Salesperson's wife: You don't have eyes, you can't see for yourself! Husband: What's wrong with you? Wife: Oops, wrong! I thought I was at work!

3. Father: Who in your class is the worst learner? Son: I don't know. Father: So, who always looks around during the exam? Zi's eyes suddenly lit up: it was the invigilator.

4. Two doctors meet, and one of them is short and gloomy. "What's wrong?" Another asked, "You've just cured a difficult patient, and you've been very successful?" The short man said, "I really don't know what medicine was used to cure him." ”

5. A bureau chief received an urgent telegram. The message was: Mother is critically ill, father has died, and I hope to return as soon as possible. After reading it, the director was in pain, and while crying, he "agreed" on the telegram receipt.

6. My son came home trembling: Dad, I only scored 60 points in the exam today. Dad was very angry: next time I take the exam, don't call me Dad! The next day my son came back: I'm sorry, brother!

7. There was a little girl who was 4 years old, one day she was playing in bed by herself, her father was watching TV on the edge of the bed, and suddenly she accidentally fell off the bed, she quickly got up, went to her father, and decisively slapped her father, saying "What do you think of the child?!" ”

8. KFC Grandpa said to Ronald McDonald: The most romantic thing I can think of is to always appear within 300 meters of you, silently watch you, and then sell your chicken wings for a dollar more expensive than you.

9. I met a couple chatting on the road, and the man said: Take the card, swipe it casually, no password! Brother thought that he had really met a local tyrant in real life, and when he looked at it, he had a bus card!

10. There is a teacher in the school who is very lazy, and she changes the test paper like this: in the dormitory, she throws the test paper into the air, and all the more than 80 on the bed, more than 70 on the table, more than 60 on the sofa, and → on the floor! He was later found out by the school and expelled.

11. "I saw a handsome guy on the road today, he was so handsome, I almost lost my temper and jumped on it, but fortunately my dad and friend were by my side." "She stopped you?" "No, she preempted it......

12. In the summer, when I was shopping in the mall, I met a child crying and looking for his mother everywhere, and the salesman asked him why he didn't hold his mother's skirt, and the child said that the skirt was too short to be ......

13. A foreign tourist visited the orchard and bragged as he walked: "In my country, oranges look like footballs, banana trees are like iron towers...... and he stumbles on a pile of watermelons. The boyfriend shouted, "Beware of our grapes." ”

14. "Doctor, tomorrow my wife's surgery, you have to worry a lot, such a hot day, this is a little bit of our heart, you take it to tea!" "As I spoke, I handed it over..." You're insulting me! "The doctor dropped the cap of another bottle on my face...

15. In the middle of the night, the wife walked from the second floor to the living room on the first floor, saw that her husband was still playing cards with gambling friends, and said: Can you let me sleep quietly for a while in my own house? The husband "shh

16. Today, my son came home and said to me, "Dad, I will bargain!" "Son, tell Dad what you do?" "Today I went to sell newspapers, and the newspaper seller said 4 cents a pound, and I said it was too expensive, 3 cents, and he said 3 cents is 3 cents."

17. A girl in a shopping mall weighs herself on a smart computer. I only heard the computer say, "Your height.... Weight.... The body is on the thin side, so please pay attention to nutrition! "When my girlfriend saw it, she had to stand up and try it. After standing for a long time, the computer suddenly prompted: "Please go on one by one!" ”

18. A: Describe the speed of express delivery during the Spring Festival in one sentence! B: I bought a hen and 10 eggs online, and when I received it, I received 11 chickens!

19. When I was taking a nap, a bear child shouted downstairs, grandpa, open the door! Grandpa, open the door! ~ So far, the cycle has been countless times, and I really can't do it, so I just opened the window and yelled: Hulu baby, don't shout! Your grandfather has been eaten by me!

20. At the wedding scene, the master of ceremonies asked his mother: Do you want grandchildren? Mother: Yes. Master of Ceremonies: Want two? Mother: Yes! Master of Ceremonies: Do you want a daughter-in-law? Mother: Yes. Master of Ceremonies: Want two? Mother: I want to...

21. My boyfriend was very drunk after drinking, and once he drank too much, and knelt down affectionately in front of the mirror in the room. yelled: "It's so handsome, admire and admire" kowtowed more than 10 times......

22. A little boy said to a little girl, "When I have money, let's buy lollipops, buy 2, you watch me eat 1, and I will eat the other for you." "\" (Flashpoint Love Talk Network)

23. I went on a trip with my classmates, and I saw a banknote printed with the heads and instruments of ancient people in the temple merit box, and my classmates were furious and shouted: "This quality, if you don't donate, you won't donate, what kind of dark money to throw!" I whispered, "Don't make noise, it's won..."

24. There was an old man with a gray beard. One day, the kid next door asked him, "You have such a long beard, when you sleep at night, do you put it inside or outside the quilt?" Since then, the old man has been suffering from insomnia......

25. I got married last year, I went to my daughter-in-law's house to greet my relatives, and when I arrived at my mother-in-law's house, I wanted to give flowers to my daughter-in-law, I gave it to her, she didn't want it, and the master of ceremonies asked me: "What kind of flower is this?" "Answer: Roses. I know why I'm standing without kneeling.

26. Composer: "I spent almost 5 years writing this lullaby. Publisher: "How did it take you so long to write this song?" Composer: "Because it's always lulling me to sleep!" ”

27. The father climbed to the top of the mountain with his son panting. Dad: "Look, how beautiful the mountain is! Son: "If the mountain is beautiful, why climb up the mountain?"

28. At night, my wife heard her husband sobbing, and hurriedly woke her husband up, and asked what was wrong, and her husband said, I dreamed that I was married again, and my wife said that it was not very good, didn't you want to find another one for a long time, what are you crying about, you should be happy. My husband said, when you take off your head in the cave room, it's still you!

29, \"Lettuce, I went to eat spicy hot at night and was happy to pick a mm and suddenly asked behind me: Which is lettuce? The other mm replied: Before they got out of the pot, they were all ah......"

30. My mother sent me a text message: "Your dad is in a panic and is fishing." I asked, "How many have you caught?" Mother: "Just three." I praised, "If you fish there, I'll go fishing too." Mother: "I fished in your fish tank." ”

31. The light bulb at home was broken, stepping on the bench, holding a new bulb to be replaced with one hand, and twisting the bad bulb hanging on the roof with one hand, I suddenly felt numb in my legs, and I was electrocuted, and I was so shocked that the bulb in my hand flew, and the person also fell down, and sat on the ground for a while before reacting, it turned out that the mobile phone was vibrating!

32. My son asked me, "Can we go to McDonald's?" I said, "If you can spell the word McDonald's, I'll take you." He said, "Why don't we go to the KFC?" ”

33. A buddy rode a bicycle home, and suddenly saw a dollar on the road, so he got out of the car to pick it up. I just looked up and found another dollar on the ground in front of me. Until I picked up five dollars, it was gone, and when I looked back, the bike was gone.

34. Poop in the morning, suddenly the toilet door was opened, and my mother rushed in and stuffed the mobile phone into my hand: "It's okay to sit and put away the dishes!" ＂。。。 Mother, I'm fine when I'm sitting... Yes... Yes...

35. \"During lunch dinner, my girlfriend suddenly coughed non-stop, and I hurriedly asked her what was wrong. Girlfriend said, "Choke...... Choked...... Cough...... Cough...... Fast...... Pat me ......" I quickly took out my phone and took a picture of her. \"

36. My girlfriend said, "Help me clean the house!" The boyfriend said, "Honey, I'm not feeling well." You see: my hands are trembling......" and my girlfriend said, "Then shake the carpet first!"

37. My boyfriend's roommate came back from buying a bag of apples and said to them, "One person should take an apple and eat it." My boyfriend came back with a bag of grapes and said to everyone: "Let's take one grape each."

38. A: I really want to be a woman, I can go shopping all day long, dress up, buy clothes, and drink tea with friends. B: And then there is another poor man like us?

39. A buddy learns to swim and learns breaststroke. When I was swimming, the swimsuit I bought suddenly opened under the stall. Later, this guy was very good at butterfly swimming.

40. A buddy rode home on a bicycle, and suddenly saw a dollar on the road, so he got out of the car to pick it up. I just looked up and found another dollar on the ground in front of me. Until I picked up five dollars, it was gone, and when I looked back, the bike was gone.

41. On the first day of the new year this year, I pulled my son over, and I gave my grandparents a New Year's greeting to my grandparents during the New Year, and my son was disobedient, I quietly told him that there was a red envelope for the New Year, and I saw my son's legs kneeling fiercely, and said loudly: Kneel for the uncle!

42, \"Girlfriend: "This table of yours is really good." Where did you buy it?" Boyfriend: "I didn't buy it, I won the prize, it was the first place in the race." Girlfriend: "Really?" How many people are there? Who are they?" Boyfriend: "There are three of them, the police are second, and the person who lost the watch is third." ”\"

43. I just heard my wife and 11-year-old daughter say: \"Xiaobao, when you grow up, go to work in the south, the northeast is too cold, even if you can't study well and can't find a job, you have to go to the southern city to pick up rags for a living." "Girl: Why? The wife said firmly: "It's hot over there, and there are a lot of mineral water bottles!" ”

44. When I was in college, a buddy in my class loved chess and was the first in the school. In the summer, sit on the playground and go down with others. One day, a woman came to watch others at first, and finally couldn't help but play by herself, this woman wore a miniskirt and played against her buddies. In four years, this dude has lost this once!

45. A: How to spend the Lantern Festival plan? B: Laugh it off. A: What about the Valentine's Day plan? B: Get by. A: How do you spend Valentine's Day? B: People are not saints and sages. Together ...